Rules of Marriage Ch. 03

"Well, what did you expect Sam to say or do when he found you with a new love?"

"I don't love Rudy and I didn't love the first man. They were just there at a time when I was stupid." This was insane. I didn't love these guys. I loved Sam!

"How was Sam supposed to know that you didn't love this Rudy character? You spent the night with him and made plans to do it again. What was Sam supposed to think?" She drilled into me.

"Are you so stupid that you think your husband can just ignore your sleeping with other men? He is a man and he feels that he has somehow failed you and he feels that he was inadequate." She was shaking her head as she used to do when I messed up as a child.

"Sam was never inadequate. I was always happy with him and with our love life. He can't believe that."

"Why not? What did you give him to make him see that? Were you faithful as you promised? Did you hold yourself only for him? Did no other man ever share what you promised only to him? You betrayed his love and his trust and you have maybe lost them both."

Mom was making me see things I didn't want to see. It was hard and cruel and honest. I had done everything she said. I had hurt the one I loved and I had done it more than once. If he left me, I had only myself to blame. At his point, I had no idea of what I could do to make things right again.

"I don't know what to do? I really screwed up and I don't know how to make it right. I can't even talk to Sam since he won't let me know how to get in touch with him." I was finally beginning to understand. Too late.

"Maybe dad will have some ideas. Maybe Sam talked to him before he left. Dad would know what to do." Dad would certainly help me. He had always been my rock.

Mom looked at me sadly. "If I were you, I wouldn't count on your dad too much. Sam did stop and he and your dad had a long conversation. I can only tell you that Harry is very upset with you and he made it clear that he still loves you but doesn't want you around here any more than necessary. He blames you for taking their father away from those girls."

That was the final blow. My own father was turning his back on me. I had lost everything! Sam had walked out on me and dad didn't want to have anything to do with me. I felt myself falling and mom grabbing me. I slipped into a deep, dark quiet place and everything just faded away, all my worries and all my guilt. Blessed peace.

This quite place was very nice. It had no pain, no sorrow, no guilt and no worry about tomorrow. I could stay here forever. But, I became aware of light, irritating light, coming from somewhere. I tried to ignore it but it wouldn't go away. I wondered what I was doing and where I was but it seemed like too much work, so I forgot about it all for a while and just drifted. But eventually the light came again. I could hear people talking and someone spoke to me about something but it just didn't seem important. I just wanted to go back to that pleasant dark place I had come from. I slowly drifted away again and into forgetfulness.

"Mrs. Simons? Can you hear me? Mrs. Simons, please open your eyes. I know you can hear me. Come on, now. It's been two days. You have to wake up." This voice was annoying and I wanted it to go away, but it wouldn't. I finally opened my eyes and immediately closed them again against the bright light.

"Good, good, now you are awake. I'll get the doctor and he can come talk to you. I'll pull the blinds so the light isn't so bright." With that the irritating voice went away and the light seemed a little less intense. I knew that it was a mistake, but I opened my eyes carefully to see a white room filled with institutional furniture and a bed with railings. I was in a hospital!

After a few minutes, I saw a man wearing a white jacket with the traditional stethoscope around his neck enter the room. He came over to the bed and smiled down at me.

"Welcome back to the land of the living. My name is Doctor Carlson and you had a major physical and psychological breakdown. I believe it was a combination of fatigue, worry and some type of shock to your system that caused it. You are going to be fine but you need to see someone professionally to get to the root cause of your obvious depression. If you don't this will happen again. I can arrange a consult if you would like."

His smile was reassuring but his words made no sense. I couldn't remember what happened but I couldn't have had a nervous breakdown. "Where's Sam? Where's my husband?" I wanted to see Sam and have him tell me what... Suddenly, I remembered and I began to shake! The tears started to flow and I felt hot and dizzy! I heard a moan and realized that it was mine. The doctor's smile disappeared and he called for the nurse. He had her give me an injection of something and I slowly stopped shaking and began to feel sleepy and relaxed. He stayed till I dropped back to sleep.

As I drifted off, I heard him talking to someone. "Whatever her problem is, it hasn't disappeared. Get Psych down here as soon as possible. She'll sleep for about 4 hours but after that, she needs to see someone. Is there family waiting for her?"

"Yes, doctor. Her mother is outside waiting to come in. I haven't seen a husband or anyone else." No Sam? That I understood but I didn't seem to care much just now.

"Fine. I'll talk with the mother to see if I can find out what the problem is."

I spent a week in that stupid hospital while they put me on some type of medicine. They said they had to regulate the dosage so that I could function. I could function OK. I just didn't want to. My life was a wreck and the two most important men in my life had both deserted me. Maybe for good reason, but they were still gone. How was I supposed to function through that?

I did have the kids and that was important enough to get me moving again. I talked with mom daily and got the reports that the kids were fine but were worried about me. I called them the first chance I got and told them I would be home very soon. I made arrangements to begin therapy and checked myself out. Mom agreed to come over and help me till I was back to normal. I had taken a leave at work and they were OK if it didn't last too long.

I don't want to go into detail about the next several months, just that I did go to therapy and I did return to work. The girls and I are doing OK and I have a much better idea of who I am and what I want from life. I did learn from my shrink that my problem stemmed from a lack of respect for Sam. It was actually very simple. Sam was the one that mentioned it to me the night he left. I just didn't understand it at the time, although it's now certain that he did.

I loved Sam from the moment I met him. I dated him for some time before we began to talk of marriage. Sam was doing the same thing at the time; teaching self-defense for the military. I never took that job seriously and talked to Sam about it, but he loved it and was making a decent living doing it. Since I loved him, I accepted what he did. I had a good job and was making quite a bit more than Sam, and when we talked about marriage, I knew that our combined salary was more than sufficient. It is interesting to note that while mom loved Sam from the start, dad never took to him because he didn't think Sam could support a family doing what he did. Dad called it 'damn foolish' and thought Sam should get a decent job. They finally came to like each other, but dad still thought Sam was not living up to his potential. Yet dad was the first to condemn me when Sam left. As if dad didn't play a part. He understands it now!

Put it all together: Sam made less money than I did; I never took his job seriously and considered it macho baloney; I knew that dad thought he was beneath me and Sam never considered a better job. It all boiled down to a subconscious lack of respect. In the back of my mind, I always put Sam second to my needs. When Rudy came on to me, I saw a hard working, successful man doing the type of work I considered important. The same with the young man from South Carolina: Successful and doing what I loved to do. When I thought about what I did and thought about Sam, the lack of respect made me devalue his feelings and let me disregard him. Bingo!

My shrink, a woman, told me that I had to make a choice. Since my feelings for Sam were rooted in a lack of respect for him, I had to decide if I could stay with him and still remain faithful. Would that lack of respect destroy our marriage if I couldn't cope with it? She said it was going to be hard to do that.

She gave me an alternative to think about: was my lack of respect for Sam and what he did valid? Didn't Sam love what he was doing? Did I love Sam enough to want him to be happy or did I simply want him to be successful by my terms? And didn't I finally tell him that I accepted his vocation? Wasn't that decided before we got married? If Sam was happy doing what he did and I loved him, why did I not respect that?

Good question and one I had no answer for. The more I thought about it though, the more I began to see that Sam happy was what I valued more than how much money he made. Sam made me happy and made our girls happy and without him we were less. How could I not respect that? More and more, I began to review our marriage and my love for him. I realized that my betrayal was rooted in a selfish desire to please myself, and a callous disregard for Sam and my life with him. There was no honor in what I had done. Sam deserved more from me and I failed to give it to him.

That, of course, led to another bout of depression, but at least we knew why I was depressed and with my shrink's help, I got over it.

That was where I was 6 months ago. I have come to terms with myself and what I now know is important to me and to my life with Sam and the girls. Sam is due home next week. He called mom and told her that he would be landing in Atlanta on December 17, exactly one year to the day he left, and wanted to see the girls. He had made arrangements for an apartment and he was having his belongings sent there.

Mom called to let me know and we decided that I would be the one to take the girls to the airport to see their father. He never requested that I be there, but that was not going to stop me.

As I stand here with my girls waiting for Sam to come through the doorway, I fear that he isn't ready to see or talk to me, but I want to talk to him. I am ready to answer the questions he posed to me the night he left and I am determined to make sure he knows it. If nothing else, he will hear that.

I know what I want from my marriage. I want Sam back and I want our marriage back but with some big changes. I will be the one working to earn trust and respect from my husband, not the other way around! The lack of respect that I had for him is gone, replaced with a knowledge that I was the one that did not respect my marriage and myself. The ground rules are very simple and always were, even though I didn't recognize them: honor my husband and my children and put caring for them instead of myself first before anything else. Finally, do nothing that would dishonor my marriage. I dishonored it and I have a price to pay for that. I am ready to make payment if Sam will only allow me to.

The girls see Sam and run to meet him. He smiles at them, takes them into his arms and looks up to see me waiting.