Rules of Marriage Ch. 04

"I didn't run away. I got a real job like your father and you wanted in the first place. You always told me that I wasn't living up to my potential. So I got a real job and I made some real money and I lived up to your expectations. Didn't I? Wasn't that what you wanted? So I had to leave for a while to do that. That's what it took so I did it."

"You ran. If you had stayed with me you would have realized that I finally understood that what I wanted all along was for you to do what made you happy. We talked about that before we were married and I knew what you were doing than and I accepted it. I just forgot. When you were happy, we were happy. When I forgot that, I made mistakes. I learned that soon after my collapse. Dad also understood that his attitude colored the way I looked at you and what you did. He helped to diminish you in my mind. He is so sorry and he is too ashamed to face you. That's why he wouldn't talk to you when you called mom. But you didn't know any of that because you weren't here."

Sam just looked at me, thinking about what I said. He had removed himself from our lives so completely that all of this was news to him. He just assumed that dad continued to treat him with contempt as he always had, and that's why he never talked to him.

"Some of what you say makes sense, but I still believe that the fault lies with you. You betrayed me."

"I agree. I said I was sorry and I understand what I did and why I did it. I know now that I could never do it again. But I ask you again: So what? Where do we go from here? Do you just want me to keep on saying I'm sorry? Is that all you want from me? Fine: I'll say it once a day for the rest of my life. Will that satisfy you? If I promise to do that, will you tell me how we go forward from here?"

"I don't know what I want. I still feel the betrayal and the pain and I don't know if I can move forward. I don't honestly know what to do." Sam seemed to be telling me the truth.

"OK. I can accept that. If that is the case, I think we need to move forward with the divorce. I refuse to live in limbo for the foreseeable future. If you can't go forward, I can. I need to worry about the girls and their future stability. I still have the papers you left me and I can talk to a lawyer tomorrow, but I will change the reason for divorce to abandonment. You have abandoned the girls and me and I won't accept that. I still have my job and I make enough money to support us with only a little help from you. I will ask for minimal child support and no alimony. That's the best for all of us." Sam had that look of shock on his face again. He seemed to be in shock most of the time anymore. I don't know what he was doing over there, but it certainly didn't do much for his mental acuity.

"How can you talk about divorce? I never asked you for a divorce. I told you that if you didn't accept the rules of marriage that we both agreed to when we were married, that you could move on and I would agree to a divorce. I thought you said you had learned and accepted those rules."

"I did, but it didn't seem to make any difference to you. I tried to do it your way but it wasn't good enough for you so I have nothing left to give you. I think divorce is what you want. A divorce will make your separation easier since the girls and I will no longer wonder when you are coming back and we can go ahead with our lives." More and more, I felt that this was the right move for all of us. I couldn't take this attitude from Sam. It wasn't fair to me or to the girls. Fine! I screwed up but would I have to pay for it the rest of my life? I wasn't willing to do that.

Sam stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know what to say or do. I am so confused. This isn't what I expected from you and I can't get my head around what you are saying. I need some time to think. I have to be by myself for a while. I'll call a cab and go back to my place. I'll call you later."

"I'm sorry Sam. I am still going to go ahead with the divorce. You don't know what to do or say? You need time alone? You want to go to your place? You've been doing that for the last year and none of it involves your family. None of those things are helping to work through this crisis in our marriage. You are still running away!" I got up and shoved the phone at him. "Here, call your cab." I turned and walked out of the den, leaving Sam alone.

I was setting at the kitchen table, just staring at the clock on the wall. It was just after 9:00. It had only taken an hour and a half to end my marriage. I had such high hopes before Sam came home. I had done what he asked of me. I found my problem and I took the steps I needed to take to fix it. I went back to the beginning and I found what I had lost. I rebuilt my life with the correct goals and priorities: Sam and the girls first, above all else. I knew that I had made mistakes, but I had discovered why and knew that it could never happen again. I wanted only to convince Sam of that but he refused to even let me. He wanted something I couldn't give him. Total submission.

In that frame of mind, I didn't hear Sam walk into the kitchen. He moved to the table and sat down across from me. It took me a second to focus. He was just looking at me with a calm expression.

"Kristen, I owe you an apology. I guess I came home with a preconceived idea of what I expected you to do. I guess I wanted you on your knees, begging forgiveness and crying. I wanted to hear you say 'I'm sorry and I won't do it again', and all of those things. It never occurred to me that you would say I'm sorry and then expect me to move forward. I hadn't even gotten past the apology in my own mind. I was so hung up on my own unhappiness that I never thought of anything else."

He paused for a moment, watching me with that same expression. I didn't know what he was going to do or say. I had little hope but I would listen.

"You told me what I needed to hear but I couldn't seem to let it go. And you are right: I never thought of what I left you with when I took off. I knew you were a good mother but I never thought of the problems you would have trying to raise two girls alone while in a crisis. I never considered that you would have a breakdown from all that I handed you, and I certainly never bothered to find out. You are absolutely right. I took care of myself without any thought for you and the girls: my family."

"I do need some time to myself to sort this out. But I can tell you that I don't want a divorce and I don't intend to leave again. I called Josh just now and told him that I couldn't take another assignment out of the country. He agreed and offered me a full time job here anywhere I wanted to live. I might have to travel occasionally, but not often. I accepted."

"If you still want to, I would like to try to work this out. I still love you as much as I did before. I know you made mistakes but we need to deal with them together. I did some things while I was away that I'm not proud of and we need to deal with them as well. You made mistakes of judgment but I made mistakes with intent. I am not sure if that isn't worse."

I was quiet for a while, thinking about what Sam said. As it was when he left me, it was a complete change from just minutes ago and it was difficult to change the focus of my thinking. He had heard what I said and he had finally worked through his own expectations. That was a good thing but I wasn't sure it was enough.

"I would like to try as well, Sam. I don't know what we can accomplish but it is worth the attempt. I am willing to try with professional help. We can't do it alone. OK?"

"I agree. We can find someone to help us. We have two girls that we owe this to. They need both of us, together if possible but both of us either way."

With that agreement, Sam and I went to counseling to try to put our marriage back together. We worked very hard and our girls were the foundation we tried to build on. But after almost two years of hard work, we found that we had little left to hold us together. Sam moved back in with us and we tried to get back the old feelings, but they just weren't there. We made love, but it wasn't the same. There were reservations on both our parts and we finally gave up. We loved each other, but we had both changed. I through professional counseling and Sam through travel and being on his own. I had grown, understanding my motivations and strengths as well as my weaknesses. Sam had become more independent and more attuned to his own needs and almost introspective. As a result, Sam wasn't able to let go of my betrayal. He had always been a proud man but he had become far more rigid during his time away. For my part, I couldn't forgive Sam's desertion at a time when we needed to be together to work out our problems. Time away had made my petty affairs far more important in our life than they actually were. With those huge blocks in place, we had little in common other than Melissa and Jennie. They needed us strong and healthy, but not necessarily together. We finally agreed to a divorce and it became final 6 months later.

Less than a year after our divorce, Sam married a lovely woman with a son of her own and they seemed to be quite compatible. She was pretty, but mousy, and didn't work. She preferred to be a stay at home mom. Our girls liked her and I found her son to be a delight. We often got together at holidays and special occasions.

I was dating an older man, Jeffrey, who was quite well off and he and I traveled together as often as we could. Jeff owned a home in the country with a stable and three horses, so Melissa and Jennie were in 7th heaven. He doted on them and they loved him. We had discussed marriage but neither of us was in a hurry. We decided to move in together and I was happy with that. Sam and Jeff got along quite well. Jeff owned an engineering consulting firm and had contacts all around the world, so they had a lot to talk about. I continued to work and travel but I never again had any temptation to stray. I guess there was nothing lacking in my life and, in my own way, I had made a commitment to Jeff, which I intended to honor.

Maybe Sam and I would have continued in our marriage if I hadn't strayed as I did. Maybe, but I doubt it. We both are much happier now.

The End