Sadie's Travels

I kept telling myself I wasn't dressing to catch anyone's eye, I was just going to check on a friend. A friend who had been beaten. A friend who had shared a secret with me. It was important to let her know I didn't think she was from outer space or anything, right? A good neighbor would do that...a good friend would do that. And it was important to me that she knew we could still be friends. That I would not shun her. That was the only reason I was going to her home...if that's where I was going.

She lived in something I heard once referred to as a brownstone. It was a brick building with three stories and a steep set of stairs leading up to the front door. I was surprised how large it was, considering only one person lived there. If I was uncertain about the address, I could rest easy considering I recognized the metallic green Cadillac parked on the street out front. I stood beside it, looking around, wondering if anyone recognized me. Then I wondered why I cared. Still, I didn't move toward the steps. I continued to stand beside the car, wondering what I was doing, wondering what would happen next, wondering...

"You came this far, you might as well."

Her deep, rough voice still had that same curious affect on me. This time my normal reaction was coupled with fright as I jumped just a little, startled. I turned to see her standing beside me, decked out in another dark suit, this one charcoal gray. She wore it with a crimson red shirt and a dark gray tie. The dark gray fedora, tilted to one side, added the perfect touch. The effect was very nice...she looked quite handsome. I also realized her bruises had healed for the most part. There was still a slight scar on her lip, and one above her brow, but it was hardly evident that she had been severely beaten just weeks ago. The final thing I noticed was that she didn't greet me with the smile she typically showered upon me. That concerned me just a little.

She started up the stairs leading to the front door, glancing behind her.

"You coming?"

I hesitated for another moment before following. I'm not sure what I expected when I stepped inside. We entered what looked like her living room. It was massive, that was my very first thought, and nicely decorated. Dark wood floors and leather furniture that was just as dark. The sofa and chair cushions were deep burgundy and gray. There was a marble mantle framing a huge fireplace and vast windows on almost every wall. It was warm, bright, yet uniquely masculine...like her. And it certainly suited her. I noticed a doorway in the far corner and a hint of white and yellow tile on the floor. I assumed that was the kitchen. Across from it, another doorway led elsewhere and a stairway led up to the second floor.

When I finished looking around, I turned back to her. Lin was watching me closely and, for the second time, I realized there was no smile on her face. I turned from her dark, piercing gaze, looking around again nervously.

"I like your furniture," I offered awkwardly.

She scoffed before responding. "Sit. I'll get you something to drink."

I did as she ordered, sitting gingerly on one of the plush chairs. She returned a moment later and handed me a tumbler filled a third of the way with some type of gold liquid. I sipped it, wincing. I wasn't sure what it was, but it was strong. Usually I wouldn't touch such a strong drink, but my nerves were more than a little shaky, so I sipped again. It took me a moment to realize she wasn't sitting. Instead she was standing beside the fireplace, watching me, her long lashes shielding those intense eyes. She had removed her jacket, tie and hat, and I was able to enjoy the sight of her muscles, moving fluidly beneath the fine material of the crimson shirt as she drank a much heftier portion of the same beverage. Then I wondered why I was admiring the body of a 'friend' again. I sipped desperately at the liquid in my glass, confused.

"Why are you here Sadie?"

She asked the question softly, but it was harsh. I hadn't expected such a direct question and it was then I realized I didn't have a coherent answer prepared.

" I uh, um...I-I just wanted to make sure—" I stood shakily, almost dropping the glass, sloshing the liquid over the side, before placing it on the coffee table. "I uh, j-just... I w-wanted to make sure you were okay. But you're p-probably busy so—"

Suddenly I was rushing toward the door, comfortable that I would be able to escape that painfully discerning gaze. It hadn't occurred to me that she would stop me from leaving. She'd never done anything like that before. Yet, there she was, blocking my path. I swallowed, watching as she finished her drink before settling those dark eyes on me again.

"Why are you here Sadie?"

Softer. Her voice was softer...and heavy...throaty...mesmerizing. I wasn't sure how to respond a second time, so I simply stood there, watching as she closed the remaining distance between us. My heart was racing, the blood pumping through my veins so quickly I felt the pounding in my ears. My stomach felt queasy all of the sudden. She stopped directly in front of me, leaning in just a little, her face inches from mine. I couldn't look into her eyes. I just couldn't. I focused on her lips instead. They were thick, full. She licked them once, wetting them in a way that sent a slight shiver through me.

"Why are you here Sadie?"

She whispered the question this time, her breath warm against my cheek. I didn't move. I'm not sure why. I know she would not have stopped me. I know it. But I didn't move. I was waiting...wondering...how would they feel? How...how would they feel when she pressed them against mine?

I didn't have to wait long. I shut my eyes tightly as she stepped in to me, lowering her head, slowly pressing her lips to mine...gently...her mouth slightly open, as if she was drinking from me. She paused, hesitating, giving me an opportunity...but still, I didn't move. I couldn't. When her lips touched mine again, the feel of hers fuller, warmer, more insistent, I felt my breath hitch. The tip of her tongue caressed the inside of my upper lip, her lips moving against mine sweetly...enticingly. I heard her inhale, her lips leaving for a moment once more before she pressed them to mine more firmly...hungrier. She didn't touch any other part of me...she didn't have to. I could feel my body leaning into her, desperate for the feel of her against me.

Then her lips were gone. My eyes were still closed as I felt her warmth leave. She hadn't left me, she was still there. I could feel that she was. She'd just taken a half step back...waiting. I considered my options. I could leave, now, before anything else happened. I could rationalize that she had compelled me to kiss her against my wishes. I could convince myself that I had tried to flee and she'd left me no choice. But, once again, I didn't move. Not in the direction of the door anyway. Instead, I took that half step forward, inviting her to take more. I thought I heard her moan softly before she brought her lips to mine again. Her hand was at the back of my head, bringing me in closer as she really kissed me for the first time, her lips greedily devouring mine. I was no longer frozen, responding to her, answering her demands. Her tongue entered, searching for mine, dancing with it. I was feeling lightheaded, my body quivering from the barrage of feelings she was creating. These feelings, this confusion...it felt good...it felt so wonderfully good...and I knew I wanted more...more of those lips, more of that tongue...more.

But she stopped suddenly, abruptly. I'm not sure how long I stood there before I realized she was across the room, standing by the fireplace again. When I finally opened my eyes, her back was to me. I waited, wondering what was going on. I didn't want her to stop. I watched, waiting, as she took a deep, ragged breath before turning to face me.

"You need to go."

I wasn't a hundred percent sure what I was expecting at that moment, what I needed...but it wasn't those words. They were like a bucket of ice water being thrown in my face. And at that moment I felt...shame. Embarrassment. Humiliation. I closed my eyes for a moment, gathering strength, before opening them and nodding. I headed to the door quickly, frantically trying to flee from her rejection.

"Hey."

She moved quickly, catching me at the door as I desperately tried to force the knob to work. My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't make it work. She took my hands in hers, turning me to face her. There were tears on my cheeks. She sighed, wiping them away gently.

"Damn, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I was shaking my head, everything was shaking, all of me, everything. She pulled me to her for a moment.

"Just listen to me, okay? That didn't come out right. I'm sorry."

I was trying to listen to her. I wanted her to say something to make it better. I needed her to say something to make it better. She took my hands in hers again and I could feel she was looking at me. I couldn't bring myself to look up at her though. Finally, she gently lifted my chin until our eyes met.

"I'm sorry Sadie. I don't want you to leave. God, I really don't want you to leave. But you need to go. You don't know what's going to happen if you stay...I do. You have to trust me...we need to go slow here, okay? We need to go real slow. Okay?"

It was working, whatever she was saying. I wasn't trembling as violently. I took a deep, shaky breath, inhaling the scent of her as she brought me to her for another hug. When she pulled away, looking down at me, I was able to meet her eyes on my own.

"Okay?" She whispered, her voice pleading with me to understand.

I nodded. She set me away from her and I took that opportunity to leave as quickly as I could.

***

I'm not sure how I made it home that evening. And I certainly didn't sleep a wink. It showed the next day at work. Mr. Mitchell was forced to take me to task more than once. He was quite aggravated that I not only chose the wrong color thread for one assignment, but also accidentally tore an exquisitely made silk shirt from Europe. He told me that item would be taken out of my pay since we would have to reimburse the customer. I don't recall how I responded. I was pretty certain I didn't care.

All I could think about was that kiss. I couldn't stop thinking about it...about her...against me, around me, within me...the feel of her...the taste of her...the stroke of her tongue as it penetrated, colliding with mine, dominating...I'd had the most bizarre dreams. Dreams I was too embarrassed to recall, much less describe in words. And there was an ache, an ache located at my core that I'd never experienced before. I didn't understand it. It was like a hunger, but...not exactly. It was...heavy...warm...tingly...unsettling. I just didn't understand any of it. I thought maybe she had put something in my drink. There were horror stories about people slipping a mickey into a woman's drink...but nothing would convince me that Lin could do something like that to anyone, especially me. And so I was back to confusion. Absolute and utter confusion.

I didn't see her for the rest of that week. I spent Saturday thoroughly cleaning my apartment, hoping to keep myself busy enough that I did not roam through Harlem in a North-Western direction once again. On Sunday, I let Betty talk me into attending church. I hadn't attended since Mrs. Johnson's death. I then had Sunday dinner with one of Betty's friends. By Monday I was feeling a little more like myself. Mr. Mitchell was clearly pleased with my return to normality. He teased and joked with me all day, promising a summer bonus if I kept up the good work. He'd promised me bonuses before, but usually he made some excuse not to give them to me. I didn't care. I was glad he was in a good mood and that I had something to do with it.

The rest of the next week went pretty much the same way. I'd stopped counting the days since I'd seen her by the following Friday. That afternoon, Betty stopped by the shop on her way home. She asked if I wanted to join her and the girls for a night out. They were headed to the same club I'd visited with Chuckie. She was excited about a new singer the club was spotlighting, some woman named Aretha Franklin. I told her I was tired, but she harassed me until I agreed to go.

After work, I ate quickly and didn't spend too much time on my outfit, just grabbing a floral print dress I used to wear to church. I slipped into a pair of black flats and hurried to Betty's apartment. The girls were already there and we walked to the club, chatting excitedly. They all ordered fruity cocktails, but I decided not to indulge. The club was very crowded, but we were lucky to find an empty table. At 9pm, the announcer went on and on about upcoming events before introducing the new singer. Her voice was amazingly full, rich, and velvety. I was blown away by her. We all agreed she was the best singer we'd ever heard. I felt myself relaxing, even having some fun, and was finally going to order a drink when someone's profile caught my eye. I hadn't really been paying attention to the other people at the club until I saw a dark gray fedora, tilted to the side. The person was dark-skinned and not very tall but bulky, especially their arms. They moved with a gracefulness that seemed to appeal to me and wore an excellently tailored dark suit with a matching dark shirt and gold tie, a suit that I knew hailed from the shop where I worked.

I was staring. I knew I was, but I couldn't seem to help myself. I couldn't take my eyes off the person...and their companion. The sexy, curvy, beautiful golden hued woman I'd seen before. She had practically painted on a hip hugging gold, lamé dress and wore matching gold stilettos. Her hair was pulled back into a severe bun, her face made up expertly...she was gorgeous. And she sat close to the person who had caught my eye, her hand on their arm, something I couldn't help but notice. There were two other men at the table. All of them seemed intently focused on the beauty. Not in a way where they seemed to be flirting with her, but in a way where they all seemed to be watching over her, protecting her.

I swallowed past the huge, dry lump in my throat, ignoring the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is that why she had not been by the shop? Is that why she had not called me in almost two weeks? Not that she was obligated, but was it because she was spending time with the gorgeous woman who clung to her so possessively? I felt hot tears spring to my eyes and worked hard to blink them away. I tried to re-engage myself in the chatter at the table, but my mind was now a million miles away. I couldn't understand the feelings churning through me. I was absolutely devastated to see her with another woman. I may not have consciously recognized what was going on between the two of us, but I knew I didn't want her making any other woman feel the way she made me feel. I stood abruptly, almost knocking over the glasses on the table. Betty glanced over at me.

"You alright?" She asked.

"Ladies room," I croaked.

She stood and although I didn't want the company, I knew the golden rule. Girls did not allow girls to go to the bathroom alone in public. We walked toward the powder room and I couldn't help but look in Lin's direction again. I wish I hadn't. She'd seen me...was now watching me. There was a cigarette dangling from her lips in a way that made her all the more attractive for some reason. I turned away from her quickly, stumbling into someone and apologizing profusely before hurrying on to the ladies room. I stayed in the stall as long as I possibly could without making Betty worry. When I finished washing my hands, I followed Betty out, keeping my head down, careful to avoid looking in the direction that called to me. I was wondering when we could leave the club. Maybe I could tell Betty I wasn't feeling well? I had pretty much decided to do just that when I felt someone's hand on my arm. I already knew who it was, considering my heart leapt when the person touched me. I wanted to look up, wanted to ask what was going on. I wanted to know who that woman was and why she hadn't come by to see me. But instead I kept my head down, focused on my worn, flat black shoes. I felt her pulling me aside. When she stopped, I still refused to look up. I heard her sigh.

"Sadie."

Her throaty voice caressed me and I felt my stomach twist painfully. She reached out to put a finger under my chin, lifting my head until I could see those mesmerizing chestnut brown eyes of hers, the cigarette still dangled from her lips. I didn't even know she smoked. She removed the cigarette and blew the smoke over my head.

"Hey."

I tried to smile, but I couldn't manage it. I heard her sigh again.

"Look, it's not what you think."

It wasn't what I thought? Then what was it? I thought the question, but it didn't make it to my lips. In fact, I didn't really respond. I just watched her. She glanced in the direction of her table. When I followed her gaze, they were waving her over.

"I have to go. Can I come by your apartment later?"

The question had barely registered and yet my head was nodding yes. She nodded.

"Okay. It'll be late."

I watched her walk away, rejoining her party. When I finally remembered I was standing alone, staring after her, I made my way back over to the girls. I told Betty I wasn't feeling well and she and I left the club a few minutes later.

*

At home, I undressed, slipped into a pair of cotton pajamas and pulled on a robe. It was a little past eleven and I was feeling tired, but I decided to try and wait for Lin. I sat on the sofa, reading a book I'd started some weeks ago, but I was sleeping before midnight.

The loud knock on the apartment door startled me. The clock on the kitchen wall read 2am. I yawned and wiped my face with my hands, forcing myself to wake. Another knock on the door had me rushing over to open it.

She looked as handsome as she had in the club. She still wore the suit. I could see it was deep, dark charcoal grey. I realized I'd sewn the buttons on that blazer. The gold of the buttons, and the tie, were the same color as that woman's dress. I felt another sinking feeling in my stomach at the thought. Still, I stepped aside to let her in.

I closed the door behind her, sitting across from her in the armchair once she settled on the sofa. We sat in silence for a moment before she cleared her throat.

"She's not my girl."

I raised my brows. I guess that is what I'd thought. I hadn't knowingly graduated to the thought that a woman could date other women. I was just feeling...something. Something that was foreign to me. A type of anger I guess. Anger that some other woman, who was sexier and more attractive than me, was spending time with Lin. Angry that she'd her hand on Lin's arm. Angry...but not really angry. It was like...it was more like...I was jealous. The word just popped into my head. I'd read about jealously, but I'd never really understood it. Until now, that is. I was jealous that Lin was spending time with another woman. I was so startled by the realization that I wasn't sure if Lin had said anything else. She was just watching me, silently. I shifted uncomfortably under her gaze.

"I didn't know you smoked." I said.

She was surprised for a moment and then chuckled, "I don't. She doesn't like to smoke alone in public, so I smoke when I'm escorting her."

I nodded, taking in the information...and focusing on the one word that didn't make any sense to me.

"Escorting her?" I asked.

She nodded and I tried to make sense of the term but I couldn't. "I don't understand what that means," I finally admitted.