Safe Space

"I don't even know why I bothered getting dressed." I said. "If you're just going to keep undressing me like that. Maybe I'll just wear underwear tomorrow, turn up the heating."

"Maybe we shouldn't even get out of bed tomorrow." Sven laughed.

"No." I pulled away. "You're detracting from the original question. "What is the secret? What are you hiding?"

"Can't you just let me surprise you?" He said. "Please. You'll love it. No one else will know or see it. It's just for you. Your eyes only, Ma'am."

"That's just making it worse." I said. "Okay, I'll let it lie."

"Thank you."

"Are you feeling better now? Less subspace-d out?" I questioned. "You said you were fragile. Do you want to cuddle some more?"

"I'm very happy just to lie with you and watch TV or something." Sven said, "You pick, I don't mind. I won't be good for much else tonight."

"That's a pity." I said.

"Why, were you hoping for a second round?"

"Third," I corrected. "You're not paying attention at all today, are you?"

"Sorry." Sven said. "I'm preoccupied."

I went to speak, to ask him what he had been keeping from me but stopped myself. Given that I promised I wouldn't I let it go.

"You can tell me if you like." I offered.

Sven sat up. "Really?" He said. "I've not spoken about it much but it's getting to me. All of this thing recently with you doing well and the way I handled it. I know it's behind us and I'm so happy now but I've been thinking a lot about why I want what I want, why I kink so hard on certain things that I know aren't so healthy."

"If you want to talk I'm here," I sipped my tea. "No judgement."

"How could I possibly thing you'd judge me when we did what we just did?" He said.

"Well, thats' true." I said. "But you know what I mean."

"That's exactly what I worry about." Sven admitted. "It's hypocritical, I know and it has been such a long time I know I shouldn't have a problem reconciling these two parts of myself but I do and you've been amazing. I feel bad because you are the best thing I could wish for, Mimi really, but-"

"There's still an itch."

He nodded, "I think it might even hinge on the itch you know?"

"You know for our sexuality to exist in the way it does, we have to see and, to an extent, accept the function of the patriarchal roles that society would put on us." I said. "That's kind of why it works, because we're corrupting them."

"Hold up, what?" Sven frowned.

"Think about it," I said, "It's taboo because it deviates from the normal no matter how messed up that normal is. In particular for us. It's a cliche but it's true."

"You're referring to the man's man, woman's woman thing?" He said.

I nodded. "We're from families that placed very traditional, almost unusually parochial gender roles onto us. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I have a theory that the very act of breaking those rules is why it's so hot. I know we always say that we just want to have our sexualities accepted and I still think tat's true but I also think that there's got to be an element of naughtiness, too."

"Yes, but then I'm a cliche." Sven said. "I hate that."

"But you're not." I corrected. "You're savvy enough to actually think about it."

"But I think as a kinky person you have to." Sven said. "Straight people don't. In particular, and I think this is why I've been finding it so tough, straight guys don't. When I was younger I really tried to ignore the kink by...well, by behaving like a total jerk. I'm not proud of that."

"But I'm so proud of the man you are now." I said. "It's healthy to question how you feel. I think that's why we're successful."

"What, because I'm your errant whore and you've been tirelessly trying to correct me for the past few years?"

I cackled. "That wasn't quite what I meant but...in a way."

Sven shook his head. "When I was younger, I had all these ideas about what a D/s relationship should look like, what it should be. I thought I'd never be able to be honest about my emotions, ironically-"

I laughed, nodded at him as he said it. "You're right. I'm overthinking it."

"You're not." He continued. "Not at all. I also worried about not being able to just be with someone, to cuddle and talk and laugh and make a life with someone because I would have to cut giant chunks of myself off just to fit into the submissive box."

"I know."

"And you know, the I realised, a little while after I met you, with your softness and your insistence on talking about things and honesty, that what I had with you, what never gets shown in all of those porno movies is that, for us, this thing, this dynamic fills in the blanks that we didn't get filled in vanilla relationships."

"Exactly," I said. "That's what I mean."

"It lets men, me, guys like me, be vulnerable, it gives me a safe space to get that need to serve and be shamed,and turned, by your sweet, good heart into something sexy and it gives you - what?"

"Power." I said, "I own my desire, it's mine. It's not a commodity. You respect me. I don't have to hide what I want, I can show my love fully and freely. I just...I don't know it appeals, I feel happiest in this kind of dynamic. I feel happy with you."

"Job done, Mimi. I get you have a lot of residual guilt and it's okay if you have an attack sometimes. I love you and I just want you to feel safe, to tell me when you feel like that."

"So I did. I told you. I'll always tell you." I nodded. "I know it and I'm always going on about empowerment and being proud and fighting stereotyping but then I feel like a fraud because I get vulnerable sometimes, too. Listen to me," I said, "I want to make my life with you. I want to leave behind all of that shame. When I was in Paris with Harriet and my father I had horrible, horrible flashbacks to how things used to be. If we're being frank I was quite triggered by them. I don't want to have a relationship where I'm made to feel ashamed and guilty and I have found that with you." I smiled.

Sven shook his head, his hands gripping mine. "Do you realise how many people, including me, go through their lives never having thought about that? Sweetheart, the very idea that you're doing this and making me do it, is more than some people ever do."

"Thank you." I said.

"Don't blush, I mean it." Sven said. "I hope that doesn't sound condescending?"

"Now you're just making it worse." I laughed. " Now I feel trivial."

Sven shrugged. "It's okay. I know that knock at work was upsetting for you, I get you need to decompress but also, I get that we need to talk about how our lives affect each other."

"Thank you." I smiled, my fingers pushing the hair from his face. "I like this look on you." I mused. "It's kind of butch, like you should be doing press ups for me or something."

"You want me to?" Sven said, "Would that cheer you up?"

"Maybe later." I grinned.

"I think it's actually dirtier because we are normal." He mused.

"What?" I sat up. "What do you mean, exactly?"

"Think about it. It's the submissive equivalent of what you're always saying, isn't it?"

"What am I saying? Please remind me."

"Alpha on the streets, sub in the sheets; that thing. Women like that, don't they?"

"You just know I adore it." I grinned. "Wild about it."

"Right, well, that's it. I like that you, a regular person, can be so into this. I could see it on your face when you were topping me earlier and holy shit, I wanted you so badly then."

"Well," I said, "There's still time."

"Good." He kissed me, kept taking. It surprised me because I'd never seen him quite so talkative or honest before. It had come out in moment here and there but today something was different.

"It was implied that normal girls weren't sluts, that they didn't want sex like men did - and that I had to keep quiet and my thing for pleasing women wouldn't get me the attention of anyone. But then , then I grew up and met you, a woman who is nice enough to meet my family but who gets my kinks too and, more than that, actually made me feel okay when I couldn't deal with them at all. Mimi, you're headstrong and smart and you fight to make things better. I love that about you. How could I not want to get on my knees for that? For you?"

"It's a two way street, I guess." I smiled. "I have found it with you when I never thought I would. I don't want anyone else. I just want you to know that."

"I do know." He smiled. "It's there in every cup of tea and every bruise you give me."

"Good." I patted his shoulder. "Good talk. Thank you."

"Good talk." He high fived me and we settled back onto the sofa. "I'm glad we're agreed on that."