Salt Peter, Or How I Learned To...

Salt Peter, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Hate Myself

"King" George was told, by his advisors, that it was prudent to fund a study regarding teen pregnancy. He came to the conclusion that he would lend support exclusively to "abstinence only" approaches to the problem.

The people were ecstatic. That's too strong a word. They were pleased. King George decreed that not having sex at all was the very best approach to avoiding teen pregnancy. He went one further and forbade self abuse as well. Again, the people praised his name. When there was a lull in the praising, Colin pulled the King aside and bent the royal ear.

"You know, Sire, that we adults should not expect the teens to undergo any deprivation that we, ourselves, are not also prepared to face." "Well spoken Colin." the king said. However, inside, he felt a twinge and knew that Laura would not like it. Sheriff John chimed in, "Your highness, we could start a new more intrusive neighborhood watch and encourage teens and ALL family members to be on the lookout and promptly report any suspicious hanky panky and/or self abuse. If anyone is caught abusing him or herself, then he or she will be taken straight to a committee of their peers and that governing "body" will determine the appropriate abuse

Naturally, the king being very democratic outlined all facets of the proposal to all of his subjects and allowed an entire week for them to deliberate before calling a referendum on the solution. It passed unanimously. Never had there been a more welcome solution to a common pervasive problem. Since no one—adult or teen—had any actual sex drive and it had just been posturing in order to satisfy peer pressure, it was the best possible solution for all concerned.

The subjects praised the king effusively and everyone lived happily ever after.

* * * * *

I was inspired to write this today after hearing a news report that the Bush Administration said it would support "abstinence only" approaches to teen pregnancy. I saw that position in the context of it being "fair" to teens ONLY because the adults would have to lead by example. Of course, what could be more preposterous??? After all, how many adults are willing to essentially give up sex in order to avoid unplanned pregnancy or to demonstrate to teens that this is the best way to go? Just how did George or Jeb get here (on planet earth) anyway? And assuming we could coerce all adults to give up sexual intercourse for ANY reason, what is next? Outlaw masturbation?!?

Happy self-hatred,

Alternateroot