Sam I Am Ch. 05

They had sex, as well. That only happened later, after he'd already brought her waves upon waves of pleasure with his fingers and mouth, but it did happen, and it was wonderful. Neither of them were virgins, but the first time they tried it, it was so intense that she actually had to ask him to stop. He had a big dick, and the way it spread her wide apart as it went in, the way it made her feel full of his throbbing energy, was beyond anything she'd ever felt before, but she didn't want to admit it. She filmed it all, of course; it was important for her to have the videos to look back on and remember later. He was aware of the filming, but he didn't mind. When they were together, all he was aware of was her.

A typical piece of advice given to men by other men is that you first realize whether you truly love someone after you've had sex with them. He'd never previously asked himself whether he loved her or whether the attraction was only sexual; despite the intensity of their sexual activities, he'd simply taken it as a given, based on how they'd talked in the past, that there was a romantic interest between them, that they weren't just meeting up for a one-time sexual encounter. And yet something felt wrong. As their time together was drawing to a close, he began asking himself difficult questions about where it would go from here. Would they see each other again? And if so, where, when, and for how long?

The human mind has a tendency to focus on and remember a very specific selection of events from a longer timeline, and sometimes it regrettably focuses on the worst moments. At the tail end of a great trip, after two weeks of pure bliss, his own memory would torment him by vividly remembering their last night together. As he sat in a chair and gazed contemplatively out the window, he troubled himself with his thoughts, an endless series of thoughts that went nowhere. What would it be like after he went back? After this trip, how would they go back to being in a long-distance relationship? He didn't want it to remain that way, and he had a feeling she didn't either. That should have been an encouraging thought: the idea that they wanted to continue being together should have been a happy one. And yet the problem was what to do about it. They lived on opposite coasts, in different worlds, and there didn't seem to be a good way to bridge that gap.

It became that classically make-or-break question that all long-distance relationships eventually face: which one would go to the other? Both of them were happy with where they lived. Seattle was home to him, and Virginia has always been home to her. She'd been born there, grew up there, went to school and later university there, and she had a successful career there. He wasn't quite as attached to Seattle-his family had first moved there when he was in high school-but he'd lived there for many years and also had a successful career there. Either of them moving to be with the other would have meant basically a total reboot of the moving person's entire life: a new city to become familiar with, a new set of friends, and of course a new job. And somehow, both of them were just too settled where they were to be willing to make that leap. Would he want to move to the East Coast to be with her? Somehow it didn't seem feasible. And asking or expecting her to uproot her life to move to be with him would have been unfair. Everything she had, all her friends and family, were here.

She said something to him. He didn't remember what or how he responded. But she could tell right away that something was very wrong. "What's wrong?" she asked quietly, a bit surprised by the sudden darkness of his mood, a sadness she had not seen in him before.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," he said simply.

"I know. But we'll see each other again soon."

"How do you know?"

"I'll make sure of it."

It was a nice thing to say. Her confidence in her promise was sweet and assuring. But he remained clouded by doubts.

In the morning, she drove him to the airport. They talked because there was nothing else to do. He felt like crying.

Their parting was easier than they might have thought, perhaps because they'd already mentally prepared themselves for it. And yet, as he sat in the plane, the airplane that was taking him to what should have been his home, he felt as though he were hurtling through a tunnel to nowhere. There seemed to be no place left for him on Earth that he could go to, no place where he could belong.

* * *

<PhoenixMoon86> It was amazing. I've never been so happy in all my life.

<APyreInside81> Really? Surely there must have been moments when you were happier.

<PhoenixMoon86> No, I mean it. I've never felt this close to a boyfriend before, never been this happy with anyone in my entire life.

<APyreInside81> I feel the same way.

<PhoenixMoon86> I'm so glad. It's wonderful to feel such happiness, but at the same time, it makes it so much better when you know that you can make the other person feel the same way, you know what I mean?

<APyreInside81> Yes, actually, I've already felt that way several times while talking to you. It means a lot to me that I can make you happier, that I can brighten up your day the way you brighten up mine.

<PhoenixMoon86> You do. Believe me, I've never felt so happy and giddy and full of lightness and laughter.

<APyreInside81> I'm really happy about that. It means more to me than I could ever say with words. Have you thought about where we go from here, though?

<PhoenixMoon86> Oh, we go on, of course. We go on to the next stage.

<APyreInside81> Next stage?

<PhoenixMoon86> I just get so excited about the relationship getting more intense, you know what I mean? I always want to up the intensity, to take things to the next level.

<APyreInside81> What is the next level for us, in this case?

<PhoenixMoon86> That's for me to know, and for you to find out. Believe me, if you think what we've already done is intense, I have lots of plans for us which will literally blow your mind.

<APyreInside81> How can you literally blow someone's mind? I don't get it.

<PhoenixMoon86> I mean we're going to destroy your ability to think in any way other than as a sexual submissive in my control.

He started getting turned on at the thought. But at the same time, he was afraid.

<APyreInside81> "We"?

<PhoenixMoon86> Yes, you and I both. Because you want it too. You're going to participate in your own self-destruction.

<APyreInside81> Why would I want to destroy myself?

<PhoenixMoon86> Because you're not happy with your life. You're not happy without me. And the only thing that could ever make you happy is being with me, and having me be in control of you and your life.

<APyreInside81> So is our relationship just about sex?

<PhoenixMoon86> Um, really? Are you seriously asking this question after the two weeks we've just spent together?

<APyreInside81> I just want to understand. Because it seems like there's a huge sexual component to all of this.

<PhoenixMoon86> Of course there is. Sex is a part of our relationship. But it's not just about sex. We did a lot of things together, and most of them had nothing to do with sex. Or are you saying you weren't happy with our time together except when we were being sexual?

<APyreInside81> I'm not saying that. I loved the time we spent together.

<PhoenixMoon86> So why are you worried about it being just about sex?

<APyreInside81> Maybe it's just my own stupidity... It must be just me thinking about everything wrong.

<PhoenixMoon86> Definitely. Don't forget, among the two of us, I'm the one who thinks clearly. You let your thinking be clouded too much by emotions: by your sexual arousal and by your own self-doubt. Let me make the decisions here.

<APyreInside81> All right then. So where does it go from here?

<PhoenixMoon86> Simple. You move here and we continue the relationship.

<APyreInside81> So you want me to move there? Is there any possibility of you moving here?

<PhoenixMoon86> Hmm. I've never been to Seattle. But I mean, is there anything tying you down there? Is there any reason you can't leave?

<APyreInside81> My family lives here. And I have a job here.

<PhoenixMoon86> You're not really close to your family, though, are you?

<APyreInside81> No, not really.

<PhoenixMoon86> I'm sure you could find a job here.

<APyreInside81> You could find one here, too.

<PhoenixMoon86> It's different, though. You're not that attached to Seattle. I've lived here my whole life, you know that.

<APyreInside81> I know. That's what makes it so difficult.

<PhoenixMoon86> It's not difficult at all. You find a job here, you move here, and you're done. You're not originally from Seattle. You know what it's like to move long-distance. You've done it before. I never have. I don't know how it works.

<APyreInside81> So it's settled, then: You're staying there. You're not willing to move. And you expect me to transplant my entire life to be with you.

<PhoenixMoon86> You don't have to if you don't want to... I'm not forcing you. But don't you want to?

<APyreInside81> Well, I do, but...

<PhoenixMoon86> But what? What's the problem?

<APyreInside81> It's a lot to ask. You're asking a lot from me. And it's kind of a drastic move to make for someone I've only known for a few weeks.

<PhoenixMoon86> Then give it time. I'm not asking you to move today, or tomorrow. We can continue getting to know each other. And you can make a decision when you're ready. It's not like we're in a hurry.

<APyreInside81> You're right, of course, but I don't feel good about where things are now. I want to be with you.

<PhoenixMoon86> Then come here and be with me.

<APyreInside81> I want to. But it's not that simple.

<PhoenixMoon86> Why?

<APyreInside81> I don't know how to explain it. Something doesn't feel right.

<PhoenixMoon86> Because you're not with me. You can only feel right when you're with me.

<APyreInside81> I guess you're right.

<PhoenixMoon86> So think about it. Like I said, we're in no hurry. And it's not like we have to be completely isolated. I'm right here. We can always talk.

<APyreInside81> Yeah. I'm glad that you're here.

But he was a naturally doubtful person, and his own imagination worked against him.

* * *

In times of doubt, a person with friends tends to turn to those friends for counsel. Sam was not a man with many friends, but he had enough, a few people who were willing to listen to his retelling of his life's events and whom he trusted enough to value their judgment. A few days after returning from the East Coast, Sam was in a conversation with Joe, a friend whom he'd always found to be level-headed and rational, qualities which Sam rather needed in a time like the present.

"I've never been to the East Coast," Joe mused. "I hear that the culture there is very different from ours. Allegedly we're more laid-back, more tolerant, more hedonistic, while they're more uptight, more focused on money, more judgmental. That's the stereotype, anyway. Did you notice much difference?"

"I didn't talk to enough people to really perceive what the people there are like in general. I spent most of my time with that one woman whom I went there to meet."

"Yeah, you mentioned her. What's she like?"

"She's really nice. I like her. But I'm not really sure what to make of her. I guess that's why I wanted to talk to you about her, to see if I can get my thoughts in order."

"Well, I haven't met her, so it's hard for me to say. Even if you tell me about her, I'll only have your perspective, your side of the story. So I won't be able to make an impartial judgment, since I can only see the information as you present it, as you've already formed it in your mind."

"That's true. I guess ultimately, I'll still have to make my own decision."

"Of course. But yeah, tell me a bit about her. Why do you feel uncertain about her?"

"Well, I guess the main factor is the distance. We're on opposite sides of the country."

"Love knows no bounds, Sam. If she's really the one for you, there's always a way for one of you to make the move to be with the other."

"I know. I guess you're right. What I'm not sure of is whether I should tear up my life like that, leave my job and the places and people I know here to move over there."

"She could move here instead."

"Yeah, but then she'd have the same problem. She's lived in Virginia all her life. Her family is there, everyone and everything she knows. It doesn't really seem fair to expect that from her."

"No it doesn't. Well, I don't have a good solution for that. But tell me about the lady herself. How would you describe her in one word?"

"Controlling."

Joe raised his eyebrows, paused, and looked at Sam for a moment. "Controlling? That doesn't sound good."

"I mean it in a good way. I mean she's someone who's hard to dissuade once she's made her mind up about something, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, but that's usually a bad thing. It means she's hard to negotiate or compromise with."

Sam paused as well. How could he explain that that was exactly what he liked about her?

"I don't mean that she's difficult to negotiate with. I just mean that she has a clear idea of what she wants, and she's willing to do what it takes to get it."

"So are gangsters and rapists," Joe observed somewhat flippantly. "But okay, I get it, controlling doesn't have to be a bad thing. But why do you want to be with a woman like that?"

"She's amazing," Sam said, but then realized that this was not a particularly descriptive thing to say. He was at a loss for how to back up this statement; he'd already reached mental and emotional states with her that he'd never reached before, but it was difficult to explain any of this to Joe.

After Sam fumbled for the words to describe what he wanted to say, Joe finally said: "You had sex with her, didn't you?" Sam nodded mutely in confirmation, to which Joe added: "A lot. You probably had one giant sex binge the entire time."

"It wasn't like that. We did other things too."

"But what you remember is the sex. You had good sex, and so now you feel like a real man."

"Not exactly."

"Maybe not exactly like that, but I mean, other than the sex-and don't get me wrong, it's good for a relationship if the sex is good, but other than that, is there anything else in the two weeks you spent with her that you can identify as a good quality that makes her a desirable person to have as your girlfriend?"

Sam stared silently into space and tried to think of an answer to this. An answer was beginning to form in his mind. He needed to be with her. It didn't matter why; he couldn't explain what or how or why. But he knew that she was a woman he needed to stay with. He was normally a rational person as well, but somehow his rationality had been blunted by his time with her, which is why he had sought Joe's counsel. But he understood now that regardless what Joe said, he needed to pursue the relationship further.

"I would be careful, Sam," Joe urged. "It doesn't sound good to me. You had sex, great, that's always a good time, but if you can't think of a single other good quality that she has, and if your first word to describe her is controlling, it sounds like you're getting yourself into danger, maybe not just a bad relationship but like actual danger to your safety. You don't want to end up with some psycho stalker who's going to stab you if you try to get away from her."

"I don't think she's like that," Sam said simply.

"It doesn't sound like you're thinking objectively. You're giving her credit for things that she probably doesn't deserve credit for. You don't know what she's really like. You don't know what she would do if you did something she didn't like."

A person will often ask other people for advice, not because they actually want an honest opinion, but because they're hoping to validate the conclusion they've already reached. Sam came away from his conversation with Joe feeling dissatisfied with the advice Joe had offered. It was perfectly reasonable advice, of course. Joe was being the voice of reason at a time when Sam wasn't thinking very clearly. And yet Sam didn't like it. Although he wasn't quite consciously aware of it yet, he had already reached a conclusion; he was just hoping to have someone validate it for him.

* * *

<APyreInside81> I've been doing some thinking.

<PhoenixMoon86> Yeah? Good or bad?

<APyreInside81> Well, if I'm thinking about it, that's good, right?

<PhoenixMoon86> That depends. What kind of thinking did you do?

<APyreInside81> I was just thinking about this decision I have to make.

<PhoenixMoon86> And? What decision did you reach?

<APyreInside81> I haven't made up my mind yet.

<PhoenixMoon86> That sounds like the wrong kind of thinking. If it's thinking that doesn't lead to a decision, it's just a waste of time, isn't it?

<APyreInside81> Maybe. But I need a lot of time for such a major decision.

<PhoenixMoon86> I think you're over-thinking it.

<APyreInside81> Maybe. But what am I supposed to do instead? Just jump into it?

<PhoenixMoon86> Yes.

<APyreInside81> I'm not so comfortable with that idea.

<PhoenixMoon86> Why not?

<APyreInside81> I talked to a friend of mine.

<PhoenixMoon86> Oh yeah? That's nice.

<APyreInside81> He seems to think that you're not good for me.

<PhoenixMoon86> Why would he think that?

<APyreInside81> I don't know. Just an opinion he seems to have.

<PhoenixMoon86> That's hardly fair. He's never even met me. Did you tell him something bad about me?

<APyreInside81> No, not at all, actually I think I said only good things about you. I don't have anything negative to say about you. But he seemed to form a negative opinion.

<PhoenixMoon86> I don't like that. I don't think that's fair to me at all. Do you agree with his opinion?

<APyreInside81> Not exactly. I'm just worried about stuff.

<PhoenixMoon86> What stuff?

<APyreInside81> I don't know how to describe it. I just don't feel good about the whole thing.

<PhoenixMoon86> What did he say about me?

<APyreInside81> He said that you're controlling and things like that.

<PhoenixMoon86> Controlling? How could he have any idea about me being controlling when he's never met me and knows nothing about what our relationship is like? It sounds to me like he's making things up.

<APyreInside81> Maybe you're right. I wanted to ask his advice since I'm kind of uncertain, but now I feel more uncertain than ever.

<PhoenixMoon86> That figures. He's just confusing you. Would you trust the judgment of a guy who pre-judges me before he's ever even met me?

<APyreInside81> I guess not.

<PhoenixMoon86> I think you should stop talking to that guy. You don't need friends like that. You can do better.

<APyreInside81> He's one of my oldest and closest friends.

<PhoenixMoon86> That goes to show that you have bad judgment in friends. Believe me, you don't need guys like that in your life. I would like it if you de-friended him and didn't talk to him anymore.

<APyreInside81> That doesn't really seem fair, though. I've been friends with him for like 10 years now.

<PhoenixMoon86> And now you see that you couldn't trust him. I'm telling you to cut bad influences out of your life. Doesn't that seem like a good idea?