Sarah's Story Ch. 05-06

"Who is it, Marilyn? I'm going over these important papers. Maybe I'll call them back," I asked.

"She said her name is Sarah Horn. Do you want me to tell her you'll call her back, Sir?"

"Sarah! No, I'll take this call, Marilyn. Please close my door and I don't want to be disturbed by anyone," I responded.

I picked up the phone. "Sarah, is it really you?"

Chapter 6: Where do we go from here?

After I left six months ago I went to stay near where Vera lived in Canada. I needed time to get my thoughts together. I really loved Ray but because of what happened, I wasn't sure I could stay with him.

I kept in touch regularly with Bess. I was able to provide on-line financial advice through the computer. For those who still wanted to see a face, they could deal with Bess.

About once a month Bess and I met in New York to go over our work schedule. She told me about Ray coming to see her and eventually having to get a restraining order on him. I apologized to her. She didn't need to get in the middle of this personal dispute between Ray and me.

I never told her exactly what my problem with Ray was. The only person I told is Vera; she was still my only confidante. It wasn't only Ray's fault. I agreed to let it happen. I'm sure if we both had it to do all over again both of us would have put a stop to it. Too bad we can't live life's mistakes over.

Vera and I talked and talked about the situation. We agreed that I should give Ray a call. I honestly didn't know what to expect but I knew I had to talk to him.

I called his office and his secretary answered. When I asked to speak to Ray Boltan, I could hear her talking to him.

"Mr. Boltan, I have a call for you on line one. Do you want to take it or do you want to call the person back?" asked his secretary.

"Who is it, Marilyn?" I could hear Ray's voice in the background.

"A Sarah Horn," was her reply.

"Sarah! No, I'll take this call, Marilyn. Please close my door and I don't want to be disturbed by anyone," I heard Ray responded.

"Sarah, is it really you?" asked Ray.

"Yes, it's me. I decided that we needed to talk. I have a lot to tell you; do you have the time to talk now or would you like me to call you back later?" I asked.

"God, Sarah, I've wanted to hear your voice, it seems like forever. No, I want to talk to you too. I have so much I want to say to you. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I've been paying for it everyday not having you in my life."

"How is your new position?" I asked Ray.

"The job is fine, Sarah, but not worth the price that was paid for it. I would give anything to take it all back, but I know that is not possible."

"So, how's your friend, Mark. Been hanging out with him lately?" I asked.

"Please, Sarah, he's not my friend and I would kill him if he wasn't dead already," replied Ray.

I wanted to hear what happened after I left the airport. We didn't get the news in Canada like they did here.

"What do you mean dead? Did some woman's husband stand up for his wife?" I still wanted Ray to feel the hurt I was feeling.

"Remember I told you he called me and said he would take a later flight? Well, he never showed up. About a week later I was contacted by the company and then by the police. They told me he was found dead in the trunk of his rental car. I guess he was shot and beaten to death," replied Ray.

"I'm sorry, Ray, but I don't feel sorry for him in the least. Maybe I have a streak of cold blood running through my veins but I never liked the man and I think whoever killed him did the world a favor."

"It was a street gang. They found the gun that he was shot with as well as their fingerprints all over the car. They used his cell phone and his credit cards. They tried to deny it but there was just too much evidence. Speaking of guns, when was the last time you saw my revolver? You know the one I bought from that street kid," asked Ray.

"I threw it away a week after you brought it home. I told you we didn't need it in the house. What made you look for the gun?" I asked.

"I wasn't going to tell you but about a week after you left I really felt bad and kept drinking trying to drown out my sorrows. I drank way too much and wasn't thinking right and decided to try to take my own life. I couldn't find the damn gun. So I guess you saved my life by getting rid of it. I just passed out and realized the next day what I almost did. I would never have a chance to see you again if I would have gone through with it.

"Are you coming home, Sarah? I want so badly to try to make it up to you."

"Are you going to get me un-fucked? It's what it would take. Listen, you did me bad and I should have never gone along with it. It's partially my fault but I don't know if I could ever trust you again. I just don't know."

"Why are we talking now? Why did you call me if you didn't want to get back together?" asked Ray.

"I'm pregnant, Ray."

"God, oh, no, I want to die for what I did to you," replied Ray.

"Ray, the baby's yours. Remember when I told you I had a surprise for you when we got home? I was going to tell you that I was pregnant with our child. Unfortunately I never had the chance to tell you."

"I'm... I'm going to be a father. Oh, my God, that is so great. I always wanted to be a father. Especially if you're the mother." I could hear him crying lightly.

"Now you know my problem, Ray. I have my baby coming into this world within a month. She will be my pride and joy but I know that you are the father. I love you but don't feel I can trust you. Hence the problem."

"Sarah, I would do anything to be with you and my baby - make that our baby. You have to give me a chance. I'll do whatever it takes. You tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I'll get rid of the car, I'll sell the house. Please tell me how I can prove myself to you. I'd kill that bastard Mark for you but that gang beat me to it."

"Ray, I thought about everything that came between us. First was the car that you had to have, to be the big shot. Next you wanted the house. You said for me but I think you wanted to show off some more."

"I'll get rid of both of them. If you think they are the problem they're gone."

"What about your job, Ray? The job is what you let come between us. It's what led to your wimpness. Would you be willing to get rid of your new position for a life with me and the baby? Would you, Ray?"

There was complete silence. I knew I struck a nerve. Would he be willing to give up everything he worked for? I was waiting for his answer.

"Sarah, I love you but I know you well enough to wonder if you might just be trying to get even with me in some way. How do I know that you aren't making all this up? Maybe you're doing it to get even with me. After I quit my job, what's to stop you from walking away?" asked Ray.

"So, I guess you don't trust me enough. Well, Ray, that's what it's going to take; your complete trust in me. I always did right by you till after what you did. Just so you know, Ray. If I wanted to get even with you, I would have tried to kill you. So, here's my phone number and you can call me when you make your decision. No exceptions, let's find out what's most important to you."

I knew we cared for each other but we wouldn't be together. Even though I had love for him still, I knew I would always wonder about his priorities. Even if he quit his new job, I don't see it working between us. I would be no better than him telling him he has to quit his job to be with me. What a horrible way that would be to start out a marriage.

My priority now was my baby and to make a good life for her and me. Ray did call me the next day and we talked some more. We both knew it wouldn't work out. He said he wanted to be in our baby's life. I told him I would like that too.

I did move back to Cleveland near my office. I had Bess lease me a condo where I lived prior to moving in with Ray. I told her exactly what I was looking for. Angel was born two week later. Ray was there for the delivery. Angel - that's what I named my daughter - was the most precious and beautiful human being I had ever seen.

Ray and I remained friends and he visited a few times a week to see his daughter. He wanted to be a big part of her life and I wanted her to know her dad. I was never that lucky, my dad had died before I got to know him.

Epilogue:

It's been two years since the birth of Angel. Ray and I have remained friends. We don't date but are close. I never set up any kind of child support from Ray but he opened up a savings account for Angel and always puts money into it. He's always buying her things too.

I date a little but am not looking for anything serious. Ray has dated too but hasn't said much about it. I have to say I'm as happy as I can be. I have my little girl and she is my world, my life. I'll just take life a day at a time and enjoy it.

I got a poem that was sent to me from Vera the other day. She said she read it and could only think about me and my daughter. It was by an anonymous writer and I want to share it with you. I was holding my little Angel as I read it.

Before I was a Mom: by Anonymous

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them
down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop
the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom, more than anything.

Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important
and happy.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to
make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the
wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

Yes, my life was full of turmoil. I guess what I wanted most in life was someone to be close to and love. I have that now. Angel is my flesh and blood and I do love her more then anything or anyone. I don't know what the future holds but right now everything is right with the world.

Not every story ends with couples getting back together. Most people I have come across are not perfect by a long shot. I guess we all make our mistakes and our own decisions and then have to live with the consequences. I'm not saying the things I've done in my life are right or wrong, but I am learning to live with my decisions. I think I'm mellowing out more now. I seem to be a lot happier and smiling a lot more often. Angel has that affect on me.

*
Thank you for reading my story
Comments are always welcome
DG Hear.

Note:
The part of the story about "Before I was a mom" came from an e-mail I received. It said the poem was written by anonymous. I thought it fit into the story so I put it in. Thank you to whomever wrote it.