tagIncest/TabooScrewing with History

Screwing with History



It all began with a photograph. A photograph of me I never remember being taken. It was a much younger me, back in college. Someone had snapped it while I smiled innocently towards the camera, totally unaware, and I had simply forgotten. And today, years later, it turned up on facebook, posted anonymously on some nostalgic college alumni page. And it would change my life forever.

I did a double take when the image first popped up on my screen. There he was -- this incredibly attractive, blue eyed boy. Definitely my type. Slender, supple. He was wearing this tight dark blue T-shirt, showing off his tanned, well defined arms. His smooth skin, his mysterious gaze, and his full lips revealed a me, a Jack, who had yet to be touched by a woman. His expression was one of melancholy, but also held tones of mischief, and beneath that, untapped curiosity and hunger. It was as if he were looking right back at me across all these years. And I dare say, as I looked back into his inviting eyes, I felt a twinge of arousal.

The days went by. I kept my schedule busy... teaching twelve yoga classes a week. But when I got home, I would open that file, and just look at him. It was weird. It was taboo. I was falling for him. I was falling for me. This beautiful but impossibly distant creature.

I saw him for who he was: a lovely, innocent confused sophomore. His desires tamped down. His sexuality almost invisible to the rest of the student body. Even to himself. A virgin. I wanted to go back to then, and meet him. And teach him what he had been missing all along.

Today I know myself. It has been a long journey to this place. Plenty of wrong turns and mistakes. There had been several relationships with women, all of them ended badly. After a struggle and some deep self examination, I finally accept who I am. I've only dated a coupe of boys, but it feels right. I'm just a late bloomer. Still, it's thrilling and liberating. Looking at my reflection in the mirror throughout the years, I always fancied what a great boyfriend I'd make. Amazing body. Arresting gaze. Very disciplined. Well grounded. I wondered what kind of kisser I was like.

One night, after coming home from a party, I was charged with sexual energy. No one had tickled my fancy at the event. I'd had a few drinks, and kept noticing my reflection through the crowd in the big mirror at the house. I was rather tipsy, and caught a taxi home. My skin felt electric beneath my tight jeans. My fingers kept traveling up and down my arms. I wanted to get home, and be with me. I hastily locked my front door behind me, ready to undress and romance my reflection, when I stopped. What was that glow? My computer was on. I was sure I had left it off. It was set to my facebook page, and that picture of my younger self was on screen, gazing wistfully back at me.

My heart skipped a beat. No one else could have pleased me more at that moment. Younger Jack looked equally pleased in some strange way. But it was the same photo... a male Mona Lisa -- open to infinite interpretation. Or had it changed? I sat down and brought my face right up to the screen, right up to his face. I knew every pixel of the image now, having taken a swim in it every night now for several weeks. He looked the same. Or did he? The smile was slightly more pronounced. His skin was slightly more flushed. His gaze had just a hint more intensity. I felt my mouth go dry, at the same time, I felt my armpits go damp. What was happening to me? Was I experiencing some narcissistic psychotic breakdown?

I didn't care. I started to touch myself. Slowly and tenderly as I looked into his (my) eyes. The arousal built quickly, in that pitched way that no one else could conjure. I had started doing this a few weeks back... No way in hell would I tell anybody, it was the height of taboo. I would climax while crying out my own name, groaning in ecstasy while trying in vain to lure him out of the screen. I would collapse, my smooth, toned, sweat drenched body gasping for air as the afterglow settled in. Unrequited love.

I stepped out of the shower, all cleaned up, ready for bed. I opened the bathroom door, but I stepped into a different room entirely. Big paisley tapestries adorned the wall. Snow and frost framed the window. A small empty bed in the corner... all too familiar. The muffled throb of a Pearl Jam tune came through the wall. I froze in place, taking in the impossible: I was standing in my room at college, twenty years ago. I took a deep breath. It even smelled like the past. The old floorboards, the slightly musty walls. But except for me, the room was empty. Its inhabitant, a far younger me, had already left for the day.

I figured it was just some alcohol induced dream. So what? There I was. My adult self, transported back to sophomore year. And not far off, was my 19 year old self. All I had was a towel. I couldn't be found like this in my room, so I rifled through his (my) bureau) and got dressed -- in clothes I hadn't seen since the Clinton administration. They fit perfectly... All these years of yoga had paid off. I quickly made an exit into the hall and out into the snowy field of North Campus. There they were, all my classmates, as they were back then. I pulled my knit cap over my head, and drew the scarf around my throat. It was intensely cold. Up ahead, Amanda was chatting with Elizabeth. And over there was Bill and Ashton. I hadn't seen them in ages! Then Melanie passed me on the path and waved right at me, smiling. I waved abruptly and trudged on through the snow. I hoped she wouldn't notice anything different -- in my gait or my posture. No one noticed anything. I was passing for the younger Jack (at least in heavy winter clothing!)

Then I heard a cry. "Jack!"

I froze. Tania, was running up to meet me. Her long blue scarf flowed behind her. What was I to do? I couldn't run. She stopped right in front of me on the path, a big smile on her face, her breath steaming in the cold air. She looked right into my eyes. I was busted. I kept my scarf around my mouth.

"Fucking freezing out!" she said.

"Yeah!", I replied, nodding sheepishly.

"Hey did you bring your book for Skiff's class today? I left mine back at the room, and I'm never going to make it if I go all the way back."

I looked down at my empty hands. "No. I forgot everything. Totally spaced! I'm skipping class today."

Tania laughed. "You're as bad as me Jack!" She giggled. Tania lived in the room adjacent to me. If anyone was going to notice, it would be Tania. I shuffled my chilly feet, looking for some sort of reply. The she furrowed her brow. "That is so strange."


She looked back over her shoulder. "I could have sworn I saw you down at main campus a few minutes ago."

A shudder passed through me.

"How could that be?" was all I could come up with.

"Yeah, and your car is already parked down at the Commons. What's up with that?" She looked inquisitively at me. I was quickly trying to come up with a bullshit explanation.

"Either you run faster than any human alive," Tania looked at me closely, then laughed "Or it's your doppleganger!"

My mouth was dry now. "Well, I'll have to track him down!" I said, pseudo jokingly, "Where did you see him?"

Tania gave an ironic wink. "Last seen at Kline Commons getting a coffee... But you know me. I was probably just hallucinating." She took off, back to the dorm. I looked down the snowy road, towards Main Campus. "If you see him, give him a hug for me!" Tania yelled.

I stood there for a moment, trying to process this insane new reality. A flood of emotions passed through me. Anticipation, nervousness, fear, excitement. What if it didn't work out? What if I was terribly wrong about my assumptions of Jack? Then I imagined the sensation of his lips on mine, our hands intertwining as we stole a kiss behind some snowy hedge... I knew him. I knew this was going to work. I headed for Main Campus.

The breakfast scene was just as I remembered it. It was like yesterday. It was weird -- a world of college students -- with no iPhones or iPads or blackberries. I was tempted to get my bagel and Capn' Crunch and sit with the gang. Nostalgia filled every crevice. But I paused, remembering that I was on a quest... a hunt. And yet I was starving (and still a little drunk), so I went up to the counter and filled a plate with eggs and sausage. And there he was.

My younger self was five people ahead of me in line. My heart leaped. He must have left his coat at the table, because he was wearing a bright orange T-shirt and tight black jeans. And he was in true form. Those lovely arms, that slender back. I was mentally undressing myself from ten feet away. He looked lonely and pensive as he carried his tray back to his table. I followed, a safe distance behind, still in hat and scarf.

A whole bunch of his friends were coming down the hall right toward me! Todd, Jaylene, Ray, Julie and Elizabeth... all in one pack. They stopped and chatted with my younger self, fifteen feet ahead of me. I had to take evasive action. God, he looked cute though. I noticed how everyone was one happy gang. The group laughed. Aside from his undiscovered sexual self, Jack was a well adjusted, respected part of the campus community. Was I doing the right thing? Was I about to disrupt the life of an innocent young guy and throw everything into chaos? I wanted to awaken him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to help him discover himself earlier in life, and spare him the years of repression and denial. But what if there were unexpected consequences? My motives weren't absolutely pure either.

The group waved to Jack and continued right towards me. I was a deer in the headlights. Fumbling with my breakfast tray I tugged my hat over my face. I walked over to the wall and stared at my feet. The group, chattering amongst themselves, somehow, miraculously, walked right past me without noticing. That was too close a call. I looked up. And there was Jack, waving back to his friends. His captivating smile. His big blue green eyes. His gaze passed over me. I turned my head and looked out the window, just in time. Had he seen me? A passel of students passed between us, and I slipped away.

Professor Skiff's class was about to start. I felt like a stalker, following myself to class. I also felt like an impostor, here to mess with my destiny. I didn't even know the way back to the present. Or if there even was a way back. So here I was, stuck in 1985, in someone else's clothes. No money. No I.D. No choice but to go forward with the plan.

My younger self was in the second row, just as I remembered. I got a pretty good grade in Skiff's class on quantum theory. There were no flasks, no frogs. It was strictly rocks for jocks, or in this case, science for stoners. I watched through the snow and ivy covered window. Skiff gesticulated wildly, his words flowing from behind that massive beard. He filled the blackboard with theorems and graphs, and squiggly arrows all pointing down some funnel. I remember this very class! He was postulating on the notion that one could travel through time. All you had to do was exceed the speed of light, and bend space, while passing through an impossibly small dimensional keyhole. It was all "theoretically possible"; his favorite phrase. I giggled to myself, thinking how I had just manifested a theory into reality.

I got back into the commons for dinner. The lunch lady in the back entrance waved me in, since I was a dead ringer for my younger self. At least I wouldn't go hungry for the time being. I sat alone in a corner table, staring down at the all too familiar mystery burrito. Several tables away, Jack and his friends were eating. My ears perked up. They were discussing that days' class.

"You could be in two places at once!"

"Well if that was possible, we'd already know."

"Skiff's lectures are fascinating, but it's all fantasy".

"No it's not".

"Jack, I could swear I've seen your twin on campus."

The group laughed. My stomach clenched.

"You were at breakfast today right?"

"Of course, right at this table."

"Well, Tania said she saw you up on North Campus."

"Shut the hell up!"

"For real... Unless you can run 200 miles an hour without breaking a sweat, you were in two places at once."

The whole table went "wooooo!", somewhere between smart ass sarcasm and genuine fear. This couldn't remain under the radar for long. Someone was bound to see us both, at once, and the whole universe would unravel. Or at least my life. I finished my meal, kept my back to the crowd, and headed back into the night, to "my dorm".

I realized I had left my wet towel by his bed. An artifact from the future! There could be consequences.

The hallway was empty. I tried his door. Locked of course. I had nothing but my face to convince security that I had "locked myself out of my room and needed to get back in."

"Yes, everything. My keys, my wallet, even my I.D. Stupid, right?"

George, the security guy, laughed. "Naah, we get at least seven or eight lock outs a day. I just never figured you'd be one of them." I laughed to myself. Apparently I had the "responsible guy" reputation. George pulled out his ring of keys and let me into "my" room. This was workin way too well. I thanked him and closed the door.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I trudged through the snow, thinking about Skiff's class today, and the whole concept of overlapping time. Twice today my friends had told me they had seen my "twin" walking through campus. Once would be a funny fluke, but twice? What were the odds? The warm musty hallway of Manor was a welcome embrace after the winter chill. I had lots of reading to do, and looked forward to the cozy confines of my room. Tania passed me in the hall. She gave me a funny wink.

"Well you certainly get around."

"What do you mean?"

She smiled. "Didn't you just come down the hall, in your black sweater?"

"Huh? No. I've been in my orange parka all day. It's freezing out there!"

"Yeah right... Or I'm tripping. But I'm not."

"So what are you saying Tania? There's another me walking around in my black sweater?"

"That's what I saw. Unless you can change your clothes kung fu fast." She gave me a playful karate chop to the arm. "See ya!"

I closed my door behind me and put my books on my table. So much reading, so much studying ahead. I passed the mirror on my wall. Oh, the distraction! There I was, all slender and sad and alluring. My assignment drifted away into the future. For now, I had to peel out of my clothes. My melancholy evaporated when I took in the sight of that honey colored boy. All smooth and toned. My heart started fluttering like it always does. Time to escape the world out there. All the fear and insecurity. I walked closer to the mirror. God he was cute. He would never hurt or betray me. I looked into his kind, hungry eyes. I felt myself getting a little hard. My fingers traced up my ribs and across my shoulder. So did my reflection. My other hand cupped my tight round bottom. His eyes were filled with desire and a sense of searching, wandering.. I always felt so disconnected out there in the world. In spite of my friends, and the girls who flirted with me, something was amiss. But right here , right now, I looked at this Jack in the glass, and felt this rush of fulfillment, completeness, and hunger. Goosebumps appeared on my arms. My breath quickened. I didn't think I was gay... But maybe... I... at this moment, nothing mattered.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I lay there, frozen, silent, trying barely to breathe. I had squirmed under the bed as soon as I heard his key turn in the door. Made it by the skin of my teeth. Thank God he didn't find me. I'm just not ready to meet him. So I lay there under my bed, in my college dorm room, watching myself. It was more erotic than I ever imagined. I was a voyeur, gazing across the ages as my younger self undressed, and explored his blossoming beauty. My mouth grew dry and my heart quickened. Every time his fingers caressed his slender young body, I felt a slight shiver along the same part of me. It was as if we were electrically connected. He looked into the mirror and touched his right nipple. My right nipple tingled. Then his hand played lightly down his smooth belly and teased his hardening sex. A surge went through my body, and I arched up off the floor. I bit my tongue to hold back a whimper. By now he was making soft noises. His hand hungrily played along all the sweet spots I knew so well. But this was a boy who hadn't truly discovered himself. At this early time in my life , this was a guilty pleasure, fiercely guarded, totally secretive. I remembered my fears in college. No one could ever know that I had this ritual. He indulged in the forbidden fruit of his reflection. I could actually remember this particular passionate session, years ago... one of many. He finished up with a beautiful climax. I watched, captivated, a voyeur who had just hit the Jack-pot. He let out one great sigh, infused with a not so restrained moan. God.... I wonder if Tania had heard "me" through the wall! As he cleaned up and prepared for sleep, I smiled to myself. I wanted so badly to kiss him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Quivering and gasping, I quickly went to the bathroom and dried myself off. And wiped the mirror off. Yes, I had come against it. In the last frenzied moments, I couldn't help myself, and went right up against the glass, rocking and squirming like a fish out of water. I had just discovered this amazing technique a few weeks ago. It got better every time. It was starting to scare me a little. I was often late to class, and my concentration on my studies was waning. I would find excuses to break with friends and come back to my room early just so I could undress and become one with that smooth perfect boy in the mirror. My lover, trapped behind the glass. Oh! But in spite of these ecstatic little Jack-trysts, I couldn't bear the thought of anyone finding out. I would be ostracized. Even in the relatively gay friendly environment of college, this was going too far. It was my ultra secret. And it was painful that I couldn't share it with anyone.

I looked in the bathroom mirror. It only showed me from the waist up, (as opposed to the wall mirror in my bedroom) but I still got that little shiver again. I was just looking up into his face, when I heard a sound. Like a door closing, right in my room! That was weird. I cautiously opened the bathroom door, and peeked back out into my bedroom. All was quiet and dark. But I sensed something. Like a presence had been in my room just minutes before. I checked my front door. It was closed, but unlocked! Still naked, I cracked open my front door. The hall was empty. Just muffled laughter and music from other dorm rooms. I slammed and locked my door. Oh Christ, someone had been in here? Or had I just forgotten to lock the door when I arrived an hour ago? I scanned my room to make sure that nothing had been stolen. Everything was in place. But that was even worse! If someone had snuck into my room an hour ago, not to steal anything, but to spy... ----!!! I looked over at myself in the wall mirror. Oh my God. I've been outed! Someone was out there telling the world. My life was changed. I would be marked as a pervert, a weirdo. But maybe they liked what they saw. After all, it was a pretty amazing session. "Shut up Jack!" I said to myself. I was just making this all up. I was paranoid. I had just forgotten to lock my door. The world tomorrow would be the same as yesterday. Then I noticed my sweater missing from my chair.

In the next room, Tania lay quietly on her side. She had heard those noises from Jack's room again. Sweet soft moans. It was her guilty pleasure -- every time the sensual sounds starting up next door, she put everything down, and just listened. He was so cute - she thought - but he never had a girlfriend. She'd never seen him with anyone romantically. He was an odd creature. Who was in there with him, making such passionate love?

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