Seamus Ch. 08

He sat on the bench opposite me. For a moment, he didn't say anything. Then I heard his gruff voice ask, "Are you gay?"

"Yes," I whispered. There was no time to talk about not liking that label, about the difficulty of classifying someone when they fitted into so many boxes. The only guy I ever had real sexual and emotional attraction to was Neill. Aside from that, I still like women. It doesn't make sense to me, let alone anyone else.

"Is that what all this fighting has been about? Liam and Hennessey having a go at you?" He must have been standing there since the beginning of the argument. I hadn't heard his footsteps. He must have been very quiet. I wondered why he didn't step in earlier.

"Just Liam. Nate's fine with me, he was just drunk and confused when he had a go at me."

"Look at me." I looked, though I really didn't want to. What I saw was a surprise. Those rough features had a compassionate expression. Prentice was looking at the huge bruises on my chest when he said, "Did Liam kick you, stomp on you? Why did you let everyone believe that you had started the fight? Why didn't you say something?"

"Didn't think there was much point," I replied, in a dull voice.

"Because he might tell the rest of the team that you are gay?"

I watched his watery blue eyes and reddened face uneasily. "I don't know. Everyone thought that it was my fault."

"The rest of the team are a lot nicer than that little shit," Coach said. "If he leaks this about you, I'll put in my bob's worth as well."

"I don't want anyone to know yet." I couldn't believe that this was happening. Not only did Coach seem to be taking my side when I had him figured as a bigot, but he was calling Liam a 'little shit'. Liam, who got away with everything, was a 'little shit'.

"I can't have Liam getting away with something of this magnitude. He'll have to go before the Disciplinary Committee. Fraser, you're gonna need to give a confidential statement against him."

I just knew Liam would find a way to get back at me for this, but I didn't say that. "Alright," I agreed.

"I look after my players," Prentice told me. "I can't have them beating each other up-"

"So if Liam tells the rest of the team and they don't want me around, I'm off the team as well?" I asked, bitterly.

Coach frowned slightly. "I don't think it'll come to that. But unfortunately, that's the way the cookie will crumble if it happens. I do think that you underestimate your team-mates. They are nice people, a bit rough around the edges, but they'll come round. Besides, I'm sure you're not the only po- gay person on the team."

"Right." I don't know if I believed him or not.

"I heard that you arrived in a taxi. Get yourself cleaned up and I'll give you a ride home." I protested, but Coach Prentice insisted. The drive back to the Hall was surreal. I had expected a completely different reaction to the one which I got. He chatted like a normal person, told me about his wife and kids. Even told me that his son was gay. Now I knew why he understood. His parting words to me were, "You've chosen a hard road to walk, Fraser. A hard road, but not an impossible one. You're a versatile, atheletic player that can cover any position from the second row back. You're a nice guy. The team'll come round to your side as long as they don't have Liam pouring poison in their ears. If you choose to make a complaint to Disciplinary, he will be off the team. It doesn't matter what sort of player he is, the university does not take kindly to bigots."

*

Neill was seated at his desk, flicking slowly through the pages of a large textbook. One of his hands laced through his hair, almost pulling a handful out by the roots. My eyes flashed to his face. The tanned skin of his cheeks was shiny with the residue of tears. His blue eyes were shot and rimmed with red. I saw his lower lip tremble slightly as he watched me. "Did you get my message?" he asked, quietly.

"No," I said. "I haven't had a chance to look at my phone-" Neill made a strange sniffing sound, like he was trying to keep the tears inside their ducts. "My god, what's happened?"

"You'd better sit down." He took my wind-chilled hand between his warm ones and led me to my bed.

I stared at him, frantically trying to figure out what was going on. "Neill, what's happened?"

"Just- Just sit down," he replied. He slowly sat on my bed. I followed his lead, staring into those worried blue eyes. I saw that his forehead was creased with anxiety. His golden hair hung a little haphazardly around his face, as it always did when he had been running his hands roughly through it while upset.

"Tell me what's going on!" I exclaimed.

Neill shook his head slowly as if he was trying to come up with a good way to say bad news. He pulled my hand into his lap, lightly thumbing circles into the palm while his other hand supported it. I could now feel that his hands were wet with sweat. I waited while he took a deep breath, my heart pounding in my throat. "Nathan's in hospital," he finally said.

Relief rushed over me. Sure, Nate hadn't seemed hung-over enough to have alcohol poisoning, but at least he was alright. "What? Getting his stomach pumped? That's nothing new. He's used to it-"

"No." Neill trembled violently. "Seamus, just listen to me. He tried to slit his wrists."

I involuntarily inhaled a mouthful of air and gulped. My heart had skipped a beat. The news had made it to my brain but I couldn't really process it properly. "No- He wouldn't- It's not true-" I whispered.

"Look, he's- he's alright," Neill said. His blue, tear-rimmed eyes bored into my green ones. "Greg found him- called an ambulance."

"No- He wouldn't," I repeated. "Oh god no-" Suddenly a lump was forming in my throat. I remembered the conversation we had had earlier that day. How confused and sad Nate had been. I should have realised that Nate didn't normally cry like that! How could I have been so blind?

"I'm sorry," Neill whispered. "But it's true. He's alrigh- or at least as alright as he can be. They'll look after him-"

"Oh, god... He came and saw me- We argued and god, he told me-" The tears were strangling my voice. My facial muscles clenched up, trying to stop the inevitable fall from my pressured eyes. "He- He apologised and he- thanked me for being there for him- and he- he told me he loved me-" Realisation rushed through me as those painful tears started to fall. "He was saying- goodbye, wasn't he? And- And I didn't- see it- How could he- do that? How- How could he think- that I didn't- care- that- that- I didn't want him around? He told me to l-look after myself! Oh, god!"

"This isn't your fault-"

"Yes, it is!" I cried. "I- I missed- what he was- trying to say! I- could have stopped this-" I snatched my hand from his, dragging it through my hair and over my face. I tried to crush the tears that were attempting to rush out of my eyes, but I could not. Everything seemed so out-of-control. I remember thinking that it shouldn't, that it couldn't be happening. Nate was my friend. How had I missed that he was that miserable with himself? Guilt rushed over me. All the signs had been there – drinking, misery, confusion, telling me he wasn't good enough, telling me he loved me and to look after myself. And I missed them. What kind of friend was I?

"Seamus," Neill shook his head, slowly. "It's happened. You can't change it. You can't beat yourself up over this. All you can do is ensure that he's alright now."

Neill's words didn't sink in. "How come I didn't see it? He- He was so messed up- and unhappy- he hasn't been himself- for ages- Why did I miss this? He's right- I was ignoring him- wasn't I? I- I never saw- he was getting- s-sick again- Oh, god- this is all my fault! This is all my fault!" Neill pulled me into his arms, hooking his chin over my head as I sunk my face into warm, safe chest. I sobbed like my heart had been ripped out. Pain rippled through my chest. "I did- ignore him- I d-didn't see any of the signs- the drinking- how he- was saying he wasn't- good enough- Why didn't I see it? It's- It was so obvious- how he kept apologising- He lied- he said he was alright- and he wasn't- Why'd he lie like that? He- He told me- he loved me-" I descended into tears. I couldn't say anything else. The only noises that came from me were near screams of desperation and sadness. My oldest, best friend thought that the world, that everybody, his family, his friends, that I would be better off without him. How could he ever think that?

I could feel Neill's hands on my back and stroking through my hair. He was saying something but I couldn't listen to him.

*

There comes a time when no matter how much you want to cry, there just aren't anymore tears left. Your throat feels thick and red raw. Your sinuses ache like they've been scraped out with a sharp instrument. Your eyes are painfully swollen. A dull pain travels from your throat down your neck and into your chest. You feel like you've been torn open and there's nothing left. At that time, even though the tears are gone and you're empty, a certain strength returns to your body. You feel ready to talk, ready to ask questions. I found myself in that position, my face pressed into Neill's chest. "Greg found him?" I asked. Poor Greg. I wondered how he was holding up.

"Thing is," Neill said, softly. I could feel his fingers swirling gently into my scalp. It was reassuring to know that he was still there, that he was still with me. I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't. "Nate had tried to bandage himself up. The cuts weren't deep. Maybe he wasn't really trying-"

"It was the inside of his wrists though, right?" I remembered when Nate used to cut himself. The cuts were always under 3 inches long and so shallow they healed in a week. The thin, silver scars would blend almost seamlessly with the rest of his skin. He only ever cut his thighs, the inside of his upper arm and seldom on the outside of his forearm. He never cut inside his forearm. At the time, I was sixteen or seventeen. I didn't understand why he felt the need to do something so self-destructive. Nate tried to explain it to me once. It wasn't about making himself feel pain or trying to kill himself. It was about blood. He said he got angry all the time and when he got angry it felt like there was so much energy running around his head that it just had to go somewhere or he'd explode. Cutting got rid of it. I never really understood that. I don't think he did either. He didn't know why he was angry. His family were wonderful; they always made me feel welcome, they were always so great to him. It never made sense.

Neill swallowed. "Yes."

*

We went to the hospital and were greeted by the news that Nate's grandparents were with him. Jill and Greg sat in the waiting room. The only news they knew was that only family were allowed to see him. Eventually Nate's granddad came and gravely related that Nate was under sedation and that there really wasn't anything we could do for him by staying there. His parents were catching an early morning flight the following day.

*

A psych registrar had offered me a prescription for sleeping tablets, but I didn't take it. It just felt wrong to deaden my mind. Like I was betraying Nathan by blocking out my feelings of guilt and sadness; I know it doesn't make sense, but I was pretty irrational at the time. So instead I found myself wide awake sitting on my bed with Neill, our backs against the wall. I told him the only good news of a sorry, miserable day; Coach Prentice had taken my side against Liam.

I was too deflated to feel any of the warm feelings I had felt after my talk with Coach. Now all I felt was a gaping, agonising guilt, I suppose. I'm not really sure. All I know is, instead of smiling like I wanted to, tears started rolling down my face. I felt like I had no right to be happy.

Neill shuffled over on his bum until his warm side was against mine. His head leant on my shoulder and his hand interwove with mine. "It's not your fault," he whispered.

"Yes, it is," I sniffed. I bowed my head as the tears came hot and hard.

Neill stroked my hair. He stared up at me with eyes that were wide with concern. "Look, I- I don't want to be crude or upset you but you didn't cut his wrists. You didn't make the decision-"

I turned my eyes away. "I knew he wasn't himself- I knew that he didn't normally go round crying and saying he hated me- and he loved me- He kept going on about not being good enough- I should have-"

He cupped my jaw in his hand, forcing me to look at him. When he spoke, his voice was slow and careful. There was a slightly strangled quality to it, as though he was trying to control his own emotions. "You had no idea what he was going to do. It's not your fault, Seamus. There's no point in sitting around blaming yourself and second-guessing what happened. It's only going to make you upset-"

"But I should be upset!" I cried. I didn't want to see the empathy in Neill's eyes. I couldn't stand that he was trying to take the guilt away. It sounds confusing and a little crazy, but at the time, I thought that what had happened to Nate was all my fault. I failed to realise that everyone who was friends with Nate, including Neill, were feeling the same thing – Why didn't we see it? Why didn't we stop him? Neill at least had the sense to realise that I was overburdening myself with guilt. He also knew that it had happened and we just had to deal with it. There was no point trying to change the past.

"Yes, but not like this! It's not your fault this happened. You didn't know Nate was suicidal. You didn't know," he said, gently. "Nobody knew except Nate and he didn't tell us how bad it was."

"I should have-"

"You can say 'should have' all you want, but it is only gonna make you upset. It has happened, you can't change that, so why upset yourself about it? It's horrible, I know but- You can't beat yourself up over this. We're all in the same boat here; none of us saw it coming. We can't change what has happened. All we can do is keep going. We need to be strong enough to support Nate." Neill's voice faltered a little as he spoke. When I looked at his eyes again, I saw that a bead of tears form against his lower eyelashes and dribble down his cheek.

"Alright." I didn't believe him. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

He smiled slightly, though it wasn't really a smile, more a relieved expression. "Please don't blame yourself for what's happened to Nate. It isn't your fault."

Gently, I reached out to brush the tear away. Neill flinched a little, then relaxed as I stroked his cheek. "You're so strong and smart; you keep it together better than- well, me. I don't know what I'd do without you."

We sat together for a while longer, caressing each other's skin. It wasn't really sexual, it was more for reassurance and to comfort each other. The tears stopped and eventually, Neill yawned and asked if I was tired.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep that night, but I didn't tell him that. I didn't want him to think that he needed to stay awake with me. So I said that I was tired too.

"Do you want to sleep by yourself tonight?" Neill asked.

The idea actually filled me with dread. I couldn't stand to be away from him. His presence just brought a sort of calm to me and I needed him near me, even if he was sleeping. "No," I said. "I want to be with you- unless you want to be by yourself."

Neill shook his head. "No. I want you in my arms- if that's okay."

"Let's stop treading on eggshells, yeah?" Neill agreed. I quickly stripped myself down to my underwear as he did the same. He was going commando as usual and was about to pull a pair of his 'night-time boxers' out of his dresser when I told him not to. I pulled my boxers off so I was starkers as well. I wasn't thinking of sex, I just wanted to feel all of his warm body in the bed beside me. So that I knew that he was real.

I climbed into the welcoming bed and shuffled over to make room for Neill. "You're okay?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I leant back, feeling the warm hairy body behind me. Neill wrapped his arms around me. I felt every contour of his body press against my back. I felt safe in that embrace, feeling the ridge of each muscle of his abdomen, the silky hair running over his warm, soft skin, the nubs of his nipples against the back of my ribcage. Every part of his body fitted against mine. Even the hot bulge of his groin fitted perfectly to the base of my buttocks. My knees were slightly bent. Neill's knees hooked into the alcove behind my kneecaps. We fitted together so well. Every breath Neill took I felt against my back, not just the warm air when he breathed out, but the swelling and deflation of his chest as well.

His fingers brushed lightly over the smooth skin of my chest. "You alright with me being behind you?" Neill whispered.

It was a strange question. "Of course. Feels safe," I said. I found both of his hands and clasped them in mine, against my chest. "You comfortable?"

"Yeah." He made a small humming noise as his lips lightly brushed my neck. I felt the sinews of his chest tense and then relax. He took a couple of deep breaths. I almost thought he was about to pull away. Instead he exhaled warm air against my skin. His body relaxed some more. "It's nice."

We lay there for what seemed like ages. I honestly thought that he had fallen asleep. Suddenly, his hand shifted from beneath mine and brushed my face. "You're crying again- God, Seamus, please let me do something."

"I'm alright," I sobbed.

"No, you're not," Neill replied. His warm fingertips brushed over the grazed skin on my cheekbone, feathering lower to trace my already stubbled jaw. He swept over the groove between my chin and lower lip, finally running the back of his hand across my neck and cupping my jaw again. He pressed his soft lips into my neck and gave me a couple of murmured, fluttery kisses. "Don't get angry at me for saying this, but you're not alright! Please- Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk some more?"

"No, I don't want to talk. I'm done with talking," I snapped.

"You can't just lie there crying, Seamus. I can't let you go to sleep in tears."

He cared. He really did care about me. His words were enough for me to lose it again. I started to sob uncontrollably. "Why? Why would Nate do that? Fucking hell..."

That was a question that Neill didn't have an answer to. He did what he could, pulling me closer and whispering over and over, "It's alright- It's okay- Nate's alright-" He rocked me in his arms, kissing the nape of my neck and my hair. It was one of those roaring sessions of tears that hurt like hell but burn out in a few minutes. Soon I relaxed back into him, but somehow his body felt different. For a second I felt Neill's hard cock brush against my arse, then he pulled his hips away, not wanting to disturb me. I pressed back insistently.

The knowledge that he needed me just as much as I needed him flooded my brain. I wanted... I needed Neill everywhere. With all the bad things that had happened, he was the one who had pulled me through, yet there was this sudden, absurd fear in my mind that I'd wake up and he wouldn't be there.

"Please," I rasped, my throat raw from crying. "I want to feel you- so I know you're there-" I thrust my hips a little, feeling his engorged organ shiver against my skin. The sensation was enough to make me tremble. Warmth rushed over my skin and a slippery heat started to build in my loins.

"I- I- I don't wanna upset you," Neill gasped.

"It's alright," I breathed. I reached behind myself blindly and grasped his erection. The response was electric. Neill jolted against me and moaned in pleasure. "This sounds so selfish, but I- I need you- I need to feel you with me- in me- just so close-" My throat was strangled by a large lump that warned me of impending tears. I didn't even know why I was crying anymore. "Please."