Sean Speaks Ch. 02

“Sean, get up man, you have your last final today,” My roomate, Todd, was standing in my doorframe yelling at me across the room. “Get up, Dawg!”

He crossed the floor in three steps and stood over me then shook me as he ahd done for the past few days. “What the hell is wrong with you? Is this about Trish?”

“I haven’t heard from her in five days, Todd,” I said pathetically. “she avoids me at school, she won’t take my calls, I think I’m going crazy!”

“You’ve got it bad, my man,” Todd clapped his hand on my shoulder. “She got to you, huh?”

“I love her, Todd.”

“I know you do, Sean, otherwise you wouldn’t be laying here unshaved and mopey when you are about to graduate from college and go out into the world.” He rubbed his shaved head and stood up. “You need to find out how she feels about you so that you know how to proceed.”

“I think she hates me,” I whined.

“I would hate you too, you whiny crybaby,” Todd laughed, his straight, white teeth glowed in his brown face. “She doesn’t hate you, Sean, she’s scared.”

“How would you know?” I demanded. I sat up and glared at him.

“I’ve seen her and talked to her a few times.” He explained. “She heard you tell Lizzie that you loved her—Trish I mean—that you loved Trish. It freaked her out. She didn’t know that you felt so deeply.”

“How does she feel about me?” I demanded again.

“Oh no! You have to ask her yourself,” Todd stood and shook his head. “Talk to her after your final. I’m supposed to meet her at Izzy’s at one o’clock. If I can’t show up for some reason, it would only be fair to send my best buddy instead to let her know.”

A smile broke out onto my face and I crawled out of bed with more energy than I had had for the past week. I hurried to get dressed, took my last final ever, then I ran back home, showered, shaved off the shadowy beard I had been growing since the day after the formal, and then dressed again.

I forced my self to walk slowly to Izzy’s, the coffee shop located just off campus, and make myself ten minutes late. I didn’t want Trish to see me and bolt first thing. When I walked in, it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the dimness of the coffee shop, but after a few blinks and squints, I finally found her in a far corner of the room, staring at me, her face blank. I raised my hand and waved a little, then I walked over to her table. She looked like she hadn’t slept very well for the last few days, and her hair was back to curly, but twisted up in a loose knot and held by a pencil.

“Oh Trish!” I breathed. “I missed you so much.”

“Sean,” she gave me a smile, then motioned to me that I sould have the seat across from her. “I take it Todd’s not coming?”

“He couldn’t make it,” I lied shamelessly. My heart was thudding in my chest with excitement. I hadn’t known how much I cared for her and missed her. I had been sleepwalking through life for almost a week now because I couldn’t be with her.

“He sent you here,” she said with a soft laugh. “You’re a bad liar.”

“He sent me, but only because he thought we needed to talk.” I reached out to take her hand and the spark that jumped from her hand to mine made me catch my breath. There was no doubt to me now that I was in love with her. I always had been.

“We do, I just didn’t want to do it today. I’m so mixed up. My life has fallen apart in so many ways, I don’t know where to begin.”

“Just start at the beginning.”

“I didn’t get initiated,” she sighed. “But then, neither did Lizzie. I was told that if I wanted to be a pledge in the fall and try again that I would be eligible next pledge season. The President of the chapter apologized profusely, but said that she could not allow a young woman that had no self control to become a sister until her anger management skills were more finely tuned…those are her words, not mine. But she said that she did understand and that while I was eligible to be reinstated in the fall, Lizzie was told that her behavior was unacceptable and she was asked to leave.” She gave me a small smile.

“That’s great! So will you try again in the fall?”

“No, I…Sean, I won’t be coming back. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and she’s dying. She only has about six months to live and I want to stay with her in St. Louis.”

“Of course you do,” I stroked her hand and it seemed that I could feel her heart breaking.

“You’ll understand then if I don’t make it to San Diego this summer?”

“I’ll be disappointed sure, but I understand. You do what you have to. Don’t give me a second thought.”

“But that’s another thing. I can’t not give you a thought. You are all I think about, and it scares the shit out of me. When you told Lizzie that you loved me I froze up inside. I was going to tell you later that night that we should stop seeing each other, but then you said you loved me and I knew I loved you too.

“These past few days have been torture for a lot of reasons, Sean, but mostly because I was trying to get you out of my head and my brain won’t agree. I felt like if I could just make it through each day without seeing you the loneliness would go away;that the pain would be less. But it wasn’t, I ached for you…” Her voice trailed and she looked at me with her big brown eyes. “But that doesn’t matter. Sean, I want you to see other people. Long distance is too hard on a relationship, and my mom dying won’t make it any easier. Thank you for loving me,” the words caught in her throat. “I’ll never forget you.”

“Don’t I get a say?” My voice broke. “I don’t want anyone else, I told you that! Jesus, Trish. I love you. I’ve never said that to anyone before you. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

“This isn’t easy for me! I would like to be able to give you everything, but I can’t right now! I have to let you go, that way it won’t be so bad when I go back. You need more than a depressed girlfriend that lives more than 2,000 miles away.”

“What if I move to be with you?” I asked suddenly.

“No. Absolutely not.” Her hair tumbled around her shoulders as she vehemently shook her head.

“I can be an unemployed bio major anywhere, Buddy, but I can only be near you if I am in St. Louis,” I said warming to the idea.

“I can’t stop you, but it would be nice to have you there.”

“I love you, Trish,” I said, testing out the words for the first time.

“I love you too, Sean.”

To be continued...