Second Chances

"If this is small gift from you, St. Benedict," I thought, "then I shall be only too happy to accept it for as long as it lasts."

But, what was I to do with myself? I was on vacation, so I didn't need to worry about going to work. My usual routine of catching up on emails with various colleagues did not seem like something that I wanted to spend the evening doing. Suddenly having the energy of an eighteen year old was pretty powerful stuff. I had never tried crack or any other drug, but I wondered if this was the same sort of high that addicts experience when they indulged in their practice.

I needed a plan. The only way that I knew how to deal with any problem was to break it down into individual steps and start plugging away at fulfilling them. First of all I would need some clothes. It seemed that my entire wardrobe was now out of the question. Judging from the way that my t-shirt and shorts had fit me, I knew that any of my other clothing would likewise be too large on me now. Luckily, I remembered that Lindsey had some clothes that she kept here in her closet.

I padded naked through the large house to my daughter's room. I was pleased to note that there was not the slightest evidence of aching knees or my chronically sore lower back caused by too many hours hunched over my desk at work. I rifled through Lindsey's closet and dresser for something to put on. She was nineteen years old and about the same size that I was now, so I figured that I should be able to find something to wear.

I tried on several different things, but decided upon a pair of very short shorts and a t-shirt that was for some reason cut off at the midriff. I had always been of the opinion that Lindsey dressed in too provocative a manner, but she was a lovely girl and I didn't feel that it was my business to interfere with the way that Bill was raising her. Unfortunately, Lindsey didn't keep any bras here at the beach house. I had never before gone without one, but I decided that I didn't really have a choice in the matter.

I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't believe my eyes. "You know, Sandra," I thought to myself, "you were quite an attractive young lady at one time. How come I never took the time to notice that while I was growing up?"

I was feeling so good inside that there was no way in the world that I wanted to spend the evening all alone inside this empty house. I grabbed a pair of my daughter's sandals and bounded out of the front door and down to the beach. It was now fully dark outside, but there was a bright moon overhead. I kicked the sandals off and walked along the beach in the moonlight -- just enjoying the feel of the sand between my toes. It occurred to me that I had owned this house for the past fifteen years, yet I could count the times that I had taken the opportunity to enjoy the beautiful beach on one hand. This was certainly something that I would have to remember to do more often in the future.

As I walked along the shoreline, the gentle waves lapped around my feet. Without even thinking about it, I absently kicked at the water as I practically skipped along. If anyone would have been watching, they might have thought that I was just another young school girl enjoying the beautiful surroundings. If any of my colleagues had seen me, they would not have believed their eyes.

Up ahead I could hear the sound of music and I could make out what looked to be a bonfire. I knew that young people would often have impromptu parties on the beach. They were not permitted, but nobody ever complained about them either. The gatherings were almost never of a rowdy nature. After all, these were the scions of some of the wealthiest families in America. There were trust funds and Ivy League educations in the balance that none of the young people were too anxious to put in jeopardy.

I found myself slowly drifting in their direction. Perhaps if I had taken a moment to analyze the situation, I might have acted differently. I may look like just an average teenager, but there was no way in the world that I would ever be able to blend into a crowd of young people. At times it seemed as if they spoke a completely alien language and what did I know of youth culture anymore. It wasn't as if I spent a great deal of time watching MTV or anything. However, in-depth analysis was something that was the furthest thing from my mind. It seemed that this new fun loving attitude was winning control of my mind.

I walked over towards the gathering. There were about fifteen to twenty young people sitting around a small bonfire listening to a young man who was playing the guitar and singing. A few people looked in my direction and I thought for a moment that they could instantly see through my disguise. I held my breath for a moment until several of them smiled in greeting and then went back to listening to the music.

They couldn't tell a thing!

I felt my confidence soar. A couple of the kids scooted aside to make room for me on their blanket and I took a seat with my stomach churning. One young man reached across and handled me a cold bottle of something. I turned it towards the light of the fire and discovered that it was a wine cooler.

I was certainly aware that there were such things as wine coolers, but somehow I had easily managed to never have acquired any personal knowledge of just in the world they were. My taste in wines was of a rather more refined nature. I am sure that any self respecting sommelier would have gagged if he had ever permitted a drop of this noxious liquid to alight upon his tongue. I, on the other hand, was grateful to have something to do with my hands. It helped to keep the nervousness that I was feeling at bay.

Tentatively, I took a small sip from the bottle. It wasn't the most exquisite beverage that I have ever tasted, but at least it was cool and refreshing. I took a longer sip and that one went down even easier than the first. Who knows? Maybe I could even develop a liking for these!

I turned my attention to my fellow revelers. You could tell immediately that they all came from old-monied families. I recognized some of the designer clothes that they sported and even thought that I could see some family resemblances to long time neighbors. Everyone seemed to have a bottle of wine cooler or beer in his or her hand as they nodded their heads in time with the music. I never had time to listen to music, but the rest of them seemed to know the songs quite well and they sang right along.

I smiled and partook of more of that suddenly delicious wine cooler. It felt wonderful to be accepted by the other young people and I was simply enjoying the moment. I wondered absently if this was what I had been missing during my high school years. Why hadn't I ever taken the time to do this way back then?

To my surprise I found that my bottle was empty. Almost as soon as I set it down in the sand by my feet, somebody passed me another one. I took it without a moment's hesitation.

"Thank you," I smiled -- speaking to my newfound friends for the first time.

The girl sitting next to me gave a small giggle while holding up her own bottle and said, "I just love these. Don't you?"

I laughed right along with her and managed, "I like them more and more all the time!"

My companion turned her attention to the young man playing the guitar. "Derrick sure is something, isn't he?" she said, "I don't know which is hotter -- his voice or his looks."

I followed her glance and took note of the budding artist for the first time. He was certainly a striking young man who looked to be in his early twenties at most. His sandy hair caught the glow of the campfire and the moon overhead as he played his instrument for all. I didn't have the slightest idea of what the song was that he was playing, but I had to admit that his voice was quite pleasant.

I lifted my bottle and took another long drink while I watched his hands move along the stings of the guitar with an impressive dexterity. I noted that he didn't seem to be showing off at all. It seemed that his playing was the most natural thing in the world.

Off to my side I spied someone striking a match and I glanced over. A young man appeared to be lighting a cigarette, but as soon as the smoke drifted in my direction, I knew that this was not the case. I might not have been of their world, but I certainly had smelled that aroma before! For the first time since settling down on the blanket I began to have reservations about being in this company. If the police were to show up, irreparable damage would be done to the futures of everyone here. I tried to concentrate on the music while I figured out what to do.

Just as I was about to get up and leave, Derrick turned his head in my direction and flashed the most winning smile. It was almost as if a thunderclap went off in my head! Suddenly, it seemed as if there wasn't another soul sitting around that bonfire. I couldn't swear to it, but it looked like he even gave me a small wink. I found myself smiling back at him in spite of myself. The moment couldn't have lasted longer that a couple of seconds at most. However, it seemed that it had lasted much longer.

I looked away shyly, but I could feel an unaccustomed heat permeating my body. Had that young man just flirted with me? I may have been more than twice as old as anyone sitting around that campfire, but in some ways, I was the one who lacked the experience that they all had. I chided myself for being so foolish. After all, wasn't I the one that could bring other hard-bitten attorneys to their knees with one withering stare? I took another drink and watched the guitarist once again. The joint that was being passed along to my left was a forgotten issue.

It didn't take long before Derrick again turned his glance in my direction. Again, he flashed the same dazzling smile. Only this time, I was ready for him. I held his gaze steadily and waited for him to be the one to look away. To my surprise, his gaze never flickered. I had the fleeting thought that he was singing just for me as our eyes stayed locked together. I found myself smiling back at him once again.

This young man was good. I thought to myself that if he was considering a career in the legal profession, that he would probably go a long way. We continued to communicate with just our eyes when the guy sitting next to me handed me the joint from earlier. I took it without thinking and was snapped back to my senses immediately. What was I doing?

I almost tossed the offending object away. Then a thought occurred to me -- What if this gift that had been granted to me was so that I could experience things that I had previously let slip by? Hadn't I always wondered about what it was about this stuff that it could get such a grip on so many people? How could I judge a thing if I had never even tried it?

I slowly raised the object to my lips and inhaled. As soon as the acrid smoke hit my lungs, I began coughing. It seemed as though I had to fight to catch my breath. The young girl sitting to my right gently patted my back and was asking if I was alright. I saw a hand reach to take the joint from me, but I shook my head in protest.

Sandra Parker was not a woman that was used to failure. I raised it to my lips once again and took a smaller puff. Through sheer will power I was able to hold the smoke in my lungs with no trouble. I passed the joint along and the group seemed to forget the entire episode. I held the smoke in my lungs for as long as I could. If I was going to do something, I was going to do it right! I went back to drinking my wine cooler and watching the young guitar payer -- wondering if our little game was to continue.

I didn't have long to wonder. Derrick repeatedly returned his gaze to me while he played. I even found myself waiting anxiously for his eye to look in my direction each time. If this was indeed flirting, then I secretly wished that I had taken it up at a much earlier age. Between the alcohol and that other substance (which kept making the rounds) I was beginning to feel a bit bolder.

I was in the act of taking another drink the next time that Derrick looked my way. As I held the bottle aloft, I waved my pinky finger at him. I was turning into such a brazen hussy!

After a while, some of the kids started to get up and leave the bonfire. Derrick continued to play and I found myself talking with more of the young people. Gone was any trace of the nervousness that I had felt earlier. If I gave any indications that I was not exactly up to snuff on certain topics, nobody seemed to notice. Young people could always be more accepting of the differences in people than those of my age group.

I was talking with the girl sitting next to me and her boyfriend when the music came to a stop. I looked up to discover that the four of us were the only ones left by the fire. The others had all drifted away at some point. Ashley and John smiled and said goodnight, then went off into the darkness hand in hand. Suddenly, I was all alone with my young guitarist with whom I had been flirting all night.

Now, here was an eventuality that I hadn't planned for! Derrick was walking right towards me and I suddenly felt foolish for the way I had been behaving all night. I turned to beat a hasty retreat when he reached out, took hold of my hand, and spun me around. There was nothing rough in his manner. In fact, he was laughing as he did it.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" he asked, "What's the rush?

My heart was hammering in my chest. What was wrong with me? I had faced more tough attorneys and judges than I could ever begin to count. Early in my career I had prosecuted criminal cases and had been nose to nose with rapists, drug dealers, and murderers. Why in the world was I all of a sudden scared to be here with this young man at this moment?

"I'm sorry", I replied, "But, I have to be getting home."

I turned to leave and had even gotten several steps away when I heard his voice once again. "How about giving me a hand loading my stuff back in my truck?" he queried, "Nobody else stuck around to help."

All of my instincts told me to turn on my heels and go. However, I hesitated for just a moment too long. There was something in the way that Derrick's eyes were looking at me. I was used to being sized up by an opponent, but I certainly wasn't used to having a man (even one as young as Derrick) look at me in the way that he was doing right now. I was grateful for the cover of night because I am sure that I was blushing.

"It looks to me like you should find a more charitable group of friends," I teased. I didn't move forward to help, but then again, neither did I slip away into the darkness.

Derrick smiled at my remark. Even in the dying light of the fire his shining white teeth and handsome features were clearly visible.

"I'm Derrick," he said while still holding onto my hand.

"Sandra," I replied, "Sandra Par-"

I caught myself at the last second. I couldn't possibly tell him my real name. How would I ever explain that away if he ever started asking around for me by name?

"Well, Sandra Parr," He said easily, "Maybe you will be the first member of my new batch of friends?"

"I don't know about the 'friends' part," I answered lightly, "but I might help you this once out of the goodness of my heart."

"Great!" he beamed.

I fell into step right along side of him. I was suddenly aware that he was still holding my hand in his. I wanted very much to let go, but I didn't know how to do so without seeming to be rude.

Who was I kidding? The truth was that it felt nice to be walking on the beach while holding hands. Let's face it - my life to this point hadn't exactly been filled with too many romantic gestures by members of the opposite sex. Maybe it was the wine coolers or maybe it was that other substance that I had partaken in, but I was enjoying the attention that was being shown to me.

"That was quite a nice crowd tonight, wasn't it?" Derrick asked as we came to a stop next to what was left of the bonfire.

I had no way of judging such a thing, but in my line of work I was accustomed to responding to statements as if I were an expert on any topic that might come up. I quickly recalled seeing liquor bottle left behind on the beach on many occasions in the past.

"Yes," I replied, "I'm glad that no one brought any of the hard stuff this time.

I held my breath and waited to see if I had blundered in some way. Derrick just gave a small chuckle and said, "You've got that right. Sometimes these things can get a little out of hand when the heavy drinking gets going."

I smiled in relief that I hadn't given myself away. I was doing it! I might just get out of this thing without anyone discovering my little secret. I began to relax more and enjoy the simple pleasure of talking about inconsequential things with a nice looking young man while holding hands by the fire. The tension and the drama of a courtroom were the things that I certainly lived for. However, there might just a spot in my life for quieter moments like this as well.

We continued to talk easily. When he would ask me questions about myself, I bluffed along -- saying that I was attending college, but was undecided about what to do with my future. I had heard my own daughter say many of the same things when I would try to pry for information from her.

As we talked, Derrick's voice seemed to get softer. The distance between us shrunk as I would lean in closer and closer to hear what it was that he was saying. It seemed so natural that I almost didn't even notice when Derrick released my hand and slipped his arm around my shoulders.

If I had been thinking straight, this is the point where I should have put a halt to things. However, the fire had burned down to a few dying embers by now and the breeze from off of the ocean was beginning to give me a small chill. I found myself welcoming the warmth of his protective arm and the nearness of his body.

I was so intoxicated be the intimacy of the moment that I made no objection as Derrick turned his body so that he was facing me. My heart was pounding in my ears as I heard him say, "I've wanted to do this all night since the first time that you smiled at me."

With that, Derrick placed his hand along side my cheek and leaned down to kiss me. His lips pressed against mine so softly that a small moan escaped me. When I felt his tongue touch my lips, I tentatively opened up for him and our kissed deepened even more. My hands moved up as if with a mind of their own to his broad shoulders and we shared a very passionate moment together there on the abandoned beach.

I might have wished that the moment could have lingered on for a great deal longer, but I felt Derrick's hand eventually slide down to touch my waist beneath my cutoff t-shirt. He pulled me closer and I instantly felt the erection inside his shorts pressing against me. I thought that it was sweet that this young man could feel such lust after just a brief moment.

I had just an instant to acknowledge the delicious feel of his hand along the curve of my exposed flesh when the reality of what was happening exploded in my mind.

What are you doing, Sandra? He's just a kid!

Reluctantly, I slid my hands down from Derrick's shoulders to his muscular upper chest. It took all of my strength and will power to gently push him away and break our kiss. I was thankful that he allowed me to put a stop to things before they got too far out of control. We stood there for a few seconds breathing heavily beneath the night sky. Derrick's hands still felt incredibly nice holding my bare thin waist and if he had pressed his advantage, I'm not sure that I would have been able to offer any further resistance.

My head was swirling and I could see by the look in his eyes that Derrick was also feeling the same avalanche of desire that was coursing through my body. Our hips were still touching. The evidence of Derrick's need pressing against me was something that I simply didn't have the will to pull away from. It hadn't been often in my life that a man of any age had shown such unabashed ardor for me.