Secret Sins Ch. 17

Potato

The ceiling of Donna Liski's bedroom offered a neutral view for my thoughts the next morning. The first thing that swam to mind upon waking was how uninspired I'd felt after getting fucked by Hurdle. I thought it would be some sort of pinnacle of revenge for me but, after I'd talked to him, I realized that forcing him and his wife into the orgy only proved that I'd become no better than him, and possibly worse. It soured the entire experience, made for a depressing anticlimax, and I wouldn't have minded going home right then.

But I couldn't do that. It would have seemed so strangely inappropriate, as absurd as that sounds. Besides that, when a drunken Marilyn started licking my pussy, not even realizing she was licking and sucking Hurdle's cum out of me, it was enough to keep me there. Seraphine was topless with two men mauling her bare tits in just the way she likes as Marilyn's husband closed in on me, hardon pointing at the ceiling.

I made a little small talk, telling him how much I loved the drinks he gave me before also telling him how nice his cock was. Marilyn pulled me down to the chair she was sitting in, her husband following me down, explaining that he'd given me whiskey mixed with white wine, telling me he had something else I might also like as he neatly inserted the cock I'd coveted into my mouth. As for the rest, let's just say that sex with Marilyn and her husband was like being consumed. I did enjoy it a lot.

But after that team-up parted, Hurdle tried to approach and I had to force a smile for appearances while quietly telling him to leave me alone. That's when I really wanted to go home. Why couldn't he at least just be happy and fuck whoever he wanted like his wife was doing? I was willing to tell Seraphine that I wanted to leave, though I didn't want to ruin a good time for her any more than I felt alright about leaving the Majors here without me. And that meant that I'd have to deal with Hurdle again, though I never wanted to so much as see him again. And it wasn't just him that I couldn't stand, but also the Tara Watts that he made me think of whenever I thought of him. In the moment, the only relief I could find was in that he wouldn't be in my life for very much longer.

I dealt with it because I had to, walking over to him with another forced smile. He started trying to talk to me about convincing Seraphine to put herself up for auction, and I had to tell him in a playful tone to stop talking. Thank Heavens, he did, and so I was able to get him to collect his wife and go home after I fixed them up to seem normal until I could get back to them.

Seraphine was fine with me wanting to go home and insisted on going with me, no matter how sincere I was in telling her to stay if she wanted. She drove us back to Donna's house and, by that time, I was wasted and half asleep. I think she carried me up to Donna's bed.

So, lying there the next morning, I thought again about how I'd acted with the Major, and how much of what went on with him, including what happened at the Funraiser, were the end results of my own actions.

As both he and Seraphine had said, I really had fucked my life up. I did it all by myself. I know, you're thinking that no matter the decisions I'd made, if some other regular person had ended up as my assistant, none of this would have happened and I wouldn't be throwing away a career that I'd worked so hard for in exchange for... what?

To you, I say, yes. Seraphine was there to subtly coax me on, to tempt me at every step. She was responsible for throwing the Bennetts, Sumitra and others into the mix and introducing me to alcohol, not to mention the murder of Roman Liski, of which I was an accomplice by association. But she had nothing to do with what had happened to me with Major Hurdle. That would have happened regardless, and it was as much my fault as his, but none of hers.

As for the rest, I could have backed out at any time. I could have fired her, could have turned her away, and could have put a stop to things before Haley was encouraged to suck her own brother's cock. I could have put a stop to 'Lesbiana', but I was so turned on by it that I couldn't do it. The list went on, but it should suffice to say that I was an accomplice in all of those things too. A very willing accomplice as it were, and being drunk was no excuse.

But beyond this aspect of my situation, what they call 'the blame game', there's another, greater consideration. It's a question that, while lying there contemplating Donna's bedroom ceiling, really helped to put it all into a greater perspective for me.

What if I'd never met Seraphine? I mean, thinking about it, I couldn't imagine how I ever would have made out there in the hood without her. To say nothing of what she'd told me of what happens to people in our family who go too long without meeting (meating) a family member. When looked at it this way, Seraphine had done me a great favour by making herself known when and how she did.

So that was alright, but there was one other thing. What made it so hard to give up my career was that it wasn't just a career. Having written this, I can see how I might seem too ambitious, the very things my parents had warned me about regarding the uniform, but I say now that it was about more than that for me. Nobody does something like join the Salvation Army because they need a job. It's bigger than that, it's even bigger than commitment. It comes with a religious faith, a need to do His work and the willingness to surrender everything to Almighty Jesus in the same way he surrendered and suffered for my sins.

And now, after having been given a huge chance to do His work, I'd used it to bewitch and rape people. Yes, I'd raped them, in body and mind. I was no light of God.

I heaved a heavy sigh, deciding that, if for no other reason, this by itself was actually a good one for resigning. I mean, if I had any self-respect left to me at all, if I was ever any kind of Officer at all, I'd just resign. Even my parents would tell me that, and this wasn't the first time I'd been down this thought path.

"Okay, you're thinking."

A little startled, I looked over, finding her lying on her side, naked under our single, white sheet like fine sculpture.

"What is it?" she sleepily asked. "Still upset about last night? Or your resignation?"

"Nothing."

"Don't do that to me."

" ... Both. And I was thinking about how right you were."

"About what?"

"Pretty much everything. I totally see now how you were trying to lead me to who you are and why. It was wise and very cleverly done."

"No it wasn't. You wrecked it with your constant god-damned questions."

"Yes, but now I can see what you were thinking."

"Fat lot of good that does me now."

"Grammie, you're being unreasonable."

" ... What?"

"Relax, I was joking."

"Uh huh. By the way, I hope you're eating better."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Don't yeah-yeah me. Christ almighty, half of the shit you people eat these days isn't even real food," she yawned. "It's disgusting."

"Of course it's real food," I argued. "Cows aren't imaginary."

"Y'know what? I don't even want to get into this discussion with you right now, because there's something more important we need to talk about."

"My resignation," I toned.

"Yes, your resignation. I know this is hard for you, but putting it off will only make it worse. And you know we have to move on."

"Yeah."

"So, when are you going to do it? Or, have you decided to become the first to fight for LGBT rights within the ranks of the Salvation Army?"

"I'm going to do it."

"Yes, but when?"

"Tomorrow! I'll do it tomorrow!"

"Thank you."

"Yeah..."

After a few minutes of silence, she said, "You know you couldn't have gone on in that uniform, right? You see that it was only a matter of time before that blew up in your-?"

"Yes, Seraphine, I see that," I testily replied. "I was lying here, thinking about that before we started talking and, again, you're right. I've completely fucked up my life. It's pretty clear that, as a Pastor, a teacher, a comforter and one who's supposed to help light a path from problems and sin, to Jesus and the heavenly kingdom, I'm an unparalleled failure."

"That's true."

"What?"

"Hey, you said it yourself! But that doesn't mean you can't help people. You don't need your uniform to do that."

"Yeah, whatever. ... I really am going to do it Monday. It's just hard, is all. Especially since I do know it's necessary. ... Anyway, at least I'd feel like less of a disgrace to God without my uniform. The way I feel right now, I'm not sure I can even wear it to Osler Street on Monday. I might even get struck by lightning on my way-"

"Okay, now I get it."

"You get what?" I asked.

"Aside from what you know you have to do, it comes at the cost of a minor religious crisis."

"Essentially, yes. And it's a major crisis."

"Not really. You'll go on from here, no longer a Salvation Army Officer, no longer a Pastor and without all the rest of the pride and bullshit that comes with it, wondering if you forsook Christ, or if he forsook you. You'll fervently pray, not getting any more results out of that than you ever have, then decide that it was he who was forced to abandon you for whatever self-abusing reasons your guilt ridden mindset will come up with. You'll pray even harder, begging him for some sign of forgiveness until you're at your hopeless, wits end because your fear will be whispering of Hell and your mind will sooner or later listen until you finally come to believe you're a lost soul. Hopelessly Hell bound. Yet, you'll still be inwardly suffering as you are now, even though your faith will have evolved to an immensely oppressive sense of inner failure and spiritual doom, which is completely self-perceived."

I stayed quiet, thinking of how parts of her prediction were already very accurate, and how likely the rest of it seemed.

"And if you tell me that isn't completely fucked up, I'll start making fun of you for fucking that Jesse guy last night."

As usual, Seraphine was right. That did seem pretty fucked up. Along with the dark, roiling picture of my near future relationship with God, this didn't help to start my day on a positive note.

"You're sure there's nothing else?"

I only stared out the front window of what used to be my personal quarters. It was Sunday and we'd dropped by to make sure there was nothing we mightn't want to leave behind, including some things in the minds of our neighbours. I'd liked it there, short lived as my stay was. At least until the basement incidents occurred.

"Tara, will you answer me when I speak?" Seraphine irritably demanded.

"Yeah, I got everything."

"Good. I got all the neighbors."

"That's nice," I replied.

"Have you eaten?"

"Yes, Grammie."

"I'll tell you one last time, you keep calling me that, you'll sooner or later pay."

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I told you, sweetie pie, Saint John."

"Yeah, but... how are we getting there, and what are we going to do once we are?"

"Well, if you must know the details, I'm going to find just the right people with an RV. We'll go with them. Once we get into town, we'll again find the right people, this time with the right home. We'll be their relatives or something, staying with them for a while."

"We're not going to take over anybody's lives?"

"Maybe," she said with the quick shrug on one shoulder. "Sometimes I do both. Its fun to stay with a nice, attractive family, though. One with two or three young adults... teens... I never get over watching a girl suck her own father's cock for the first time. There's just something about it, and I think you understand what I'm getting at here."

The variety of pornographic images this stirred up in my mind forced a grin, though I'd need more than that if my mind was going to be set at ease regarding the great unknown that lay ahead.

"Don't worry about it," Seraphine assured. "I've done this so many times, you can't imagine. Since the eighties, it's been getting easier and easier. All this technology that you people think is connecting you is actually isolating you and making you all the more vulnerable."

"Nobody's going to die," I warned her.

"Wh- This again? Tara, would you just get over it!?"

"No, I will not get over it," I argued. "That is not going to happen again, and I don't care what the situation is-"

"Right, yes!" Seraphine irritably agreed, if only to shut me up. "No more killing people, whatever!"

Somewhat happy with at least that, I took a drink from the last of the vodka from my freezer, smiling as I looked at Sumitra's place. We both stood in silence for a minute before I broke it.

"What about Roman?" I asked.

"What about him?" she asked in a voice that held warning.

"Is he...?"

"I checked up on Donna later," Seraphine brusquely informed. "She had him in the freezer, but she didn't really have a plan after that, so I had to actually help her get the frozen turd out of there- I have no idea how she even got him in there all by herself to begin with- then carry him out to his car. Then I had to drive all the way out Vicky in the middle of the night, out to the Balgonie exit where they're building the bypass. Then I had to show her where to put him, after getting him out of the trunk for her. Then I actually had to tell her to use one of the shovels to bury him so nobody would see him before they finished filling the onramp grade. She's so fucking stupid, Sweetie pie. I mean, what does she think the whole point in having a servant is if I just have to do everything myself anyway? I'll be so glad when I never have to suffer that wretch again."

"I have something to tell you," I said into my smartphone. "And before I tell you, I want you to know that this decision wasn't made lightly."

"Okay," Dad said.

"Dad, I'm going to resign my commission."

" ... What?"

"I'm going to resign my commission."

"But- you're joking, right?"

"No, Dad, I'm not joking."

"But... why? Honey, you've just... why?"

"Dad, it's just not... I've seen the side of the Salvation Army that you've told me about. I don't want anything to do with it anymore."

" ... Is Hurdle forcing you to-?"

"No, Major Hurdle isn't forcing me to do anything. It's just that I've gotten some first-hand experience with the things you've always warned me about, and I don't want any part of it. I don't think it's good for me, spiritually, to be in this uniform anymore."

"I hope this doesn't have anything to do with finding out you're adopted. You might get mad at me for saying this, but this is exactly the kind of thing we were always afraid to somehow cause by telling you."

"It has nothing to do with that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Well, what happened?"

"Dad, it's actually a few different things. It's a really long story, and I'm not into explaining it all right now."

"How long can it be? You haven't even been there four weeks."

"Dad!" I complained.

After a pause, he said gently, "Alright. You can explain later. Your mother won't be so easy once she gets on the phone, though."

"I know," I moped.

"Will you be coming home?"

"No, I'll be with a friend."

"A friend?"

"Yes. I've met someone."

"I see. And does this someone have a hand in your resignation?"

"Don't say it like that."

"So, it's serious?"

" ... Very."

"I assume he's not in the ranks, and doesn't want to be."

" ... She," I corrected.

Another pause went by, this one longer as my poor Dad processed this.

"I see."

"Dad, please don't-"

"Are you happy with h... her?"

"Yes, I am. We're both very much in love."

"Okay. Well, I think I understand your decision a little better. Also, I guess now I know why you never had a boyfriend. Tara, as long as you're happy and you're sure of your reasons for what you want to do, then I'm happy. You've always had your mother's and my respect, and you still have. We love you and we'll support any decision you make."

As my father had predicted, it wasn't so easy with my mother. I had to give her details of why I couldn't tolerate being within the ranks, some of them I made up, before tazing her frontal lobe with the news of my new girlfriend. Once she got over the initial lesbian shock of it, she seemed to take it well enough, wanting to know her name and what she looked like. Overall, I was quite surprised at how well they took the news, considering. Seraphine and I were even expected for the Christmas holidays. I suppose they were curious.

I took a bath Monday morning, made a real effort with hair and makeup and an even greater effort in not drinking any more than what was necessary in order to create a buffer zone between me and reality. Choosing my very best lingerie, a practically insubstantial, white silk bra and panty set with the usual garters and stockings, I regarded my uniform.

I'd washed and ironed it, hung it all on a nice, black hanger that displayed its new clothes as proudly as I once did. When I put it on, I was careful to make sure everything was straight and properly tucked, my bowler placed in finality before I paraded past my catcalling great grandmother.

As stupid as it sounds, I wanted to be at my best for the sacrifice of my career. No matter how I'd so quickly and thoughtlessly thrown it away, I was still proud to have achieved the little I had, and I wanted to show that if I could.

Not surprisingly, there was a different Booth Attendant on duty that Monday morning. Somewhat attractive, she looked to be in her early thirties, new at the job and at a total loss.

"Hello," she nervously greeted, eying my uniform.

"Hello," I politely said. "I'm here to see your Major Hurdle."

" ... Uhhhh... should I just let you in, Sir?"

"Yes."

"Kay..."

A moment later, the familiar sound of the buzzer and the mechanical "Clak!" of the door's remote lock heralded my arrival to the inner sanctum of the Waterston Centre.

At his office door, I didn't bother knocking. He seemed put out about it, and probably some other things, such as what went on at Marilyn's party.

"What went on at Marilyn's party..." he said, proving the latter, "was not my fault."

I closed his office door behind me to stand there afterward, forcing myself to look at him.

"You made that happen," he told me. "I don't know how, but... you did."

The night before, I was tempted to send Alessa home, was only looking for a reason that would trump my guarantee to Marilyn and, as I stood there, I was doing much the same thing. I wanted to leave them in a condition that wouldn't utterly destroy them, with a mindset that would allow them to go on with a normal life, either with or without the memory of Marilyn's party. But, was I really trying to help them, or was I only trying to help myself?

I hadn't gone to the Friday progress report with it in mind that I would influence the Hurdles and then send them off to Marilyn's party. Even then, I think I knew that I was just as responsible for everything that happened to me in relation to the Major as he was, including the Funraiser, so to punish him would have been hypocritical and wrong. The only reason I did what I did was because of him having taken credit for my work in that damned issue of Salvationist that I saw just before I went into his office. I did it out of a sudden anger, out of a simple, thoughtless, prideful need to strike out, and I suppose that's why I wanted to spare Alessa later on.