Secrets Revealed Pt. III

She sobbed for a minute or two and Benjamin let her work herself up to continuing the tale.

"We talked about it a lot. We tried to figure out something but there was only one solution. We couldn't both have him."

Patrice stopped and sagged back against the cushions.

"So what did you do?" Benjamin asked, to get her going again.

Patrice looked up at the ceiling, her eyes red.

"I knew it wasn't working out for us and he was going to break up with me. I let him have her."

"And how did Tim feel about this?" Benjamin asked.

"He never knew. We never told him that he was dating both of us."

"So this guy was seeing both of you and keeping it a secret from you?"

"He didn't know we knew each other. We never told him that. I made her promise," Patrice tried to explain.

"I don't understand something, Patrice. If Tim was such a wonderful guy, so loving as you say, to each of you, then how could he cheat on you when he met Fran?"

"He didn't. He wasn't dating us at the same time," Patrice said.

Benjamin put his pen down.

"That doesn't make sense. You said you broke up with him after Fran met him."

"No, that's not right," Patrice said. "We had broken up before."

"That's not what you said."

Patrice started to respond but stopped with her mouth open. She was thinking it over, checking the details from her memory. As the realization hit her, her face dropped. Pain and sadness overcame her and she started crying again.

"I broke up with him—before Fran met him. I saw our relationship was going to crash and burn so I called him and told him he should see someone else. We should see other people."

The change in the tone of her voice told Benjamin they had found the point they had been seeking. A breakthrough was imminent.

"And when you saw them, together, on Saturday, how did you feel about that?" Benjamin asked, feeling the tingle of excitement.

"I was mad," Patrice said.

"Mad at Fran? Or mad at Tim?"

"Both of them? No, that's not right. Oh, I don't know. I was mad at—" and then it happened. Patrice's expression changed to one of wonder, maybe disbelief even. Shock might be a better word. "Me," she whispered.

This was the moment Benjamin had been seeking, what he had been waiting for through all those weeks of therapy. This moment, and countless ones like it, was the reason he went into psychology. He couldn't tell the patient what her problem was. She had to discover it for herself. He was just the guide.

"Oh, God! I was mad at me!" Patrice wailed.

Benjamin let that thought sink in for a moment or two.

"Do you know why you were mad at yourself?" he asked tentatively.

Patrice was still in shock at her revelation. She really was coming face to face with it for the very first time. She shook her head but Benjamin's expression told her she wasn't going to get off that easily. She had to complete the journey, take the final steps on her own.

"I drove him away, Ben. I pushed him away."

Benjamin nodded, forcing himself not to smile. This was a tearful moment for her, but it was success for him, the culmination of a long journey they had taken together.

"I always push them away, don't I?" she asked.

Benjamin just nodded again.

"Why do I do that?"

"Why do you think you do that to your lovers?" he asked her.

When she didn't answer, he prompted.

"Think about Tim. It probably started with him. Why did you send him away?" he asked.

"I don't know why. I was so happy with him. He was my first real love. I wanted us to be together forever."

"But it wasn't a fairy book story, was it? You weren't together like you thought you should be."

"No, he was there, so far away. It wasn't turning out to be what I thought it would be like."

"Were you afraid that he felt the same way?"

"I knew he did. At least, I hoped he did. I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. I didn't want Fran to find out that things weren't perfect, either. So I ended it before it got too bad. I wanted to do the right thing. The noble thing. I wanted them to remember me that way. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?"

Benjamin looked like he wasn't convinced. Patrice tossed the damp tissues in the trashcan and drew out a few replacements from the box. He waited patiently while she wiped her nose again.

"Why were you afraid to let things go? It might have worked out," he suggested.

"I was afraid?" She thought about that for a minute. "Yes, I think I was. I always am. I'm always worried that he'll want to break up with me so I break up with him first. I try to save myself the pain."

She said those last words softly, as if filled with wonder. She was discovering things about herself. Benjamin didn't want to interrupt her. He waited for her to continue.

"And if I keep breaking up with them before we get too close, then I will never have a successful relationship? I never let myself have one?"

"That's exactly right, Patrice. You see that now, don't you?"

"Yes, but why didn't you just tell me that at the beginning?"

Benjamin smiled now. "You had to discover it within yourself. You had to find it. It wouldn't have meant as much to you if I just told you. Therapy isn't about me telling you what is wrong. It is about guiding you so you can find the answers within yourself."

"So if I find the answers myself, why am I paying you?"

Benjamin chuckled. "I'm your tour guide," he said and was rewarded with a small laugh from Patrice. Laughing wasn't something Patrice had done much of in that room, if at all.

"I think we need to talk more about Fran and Tim. Did they really just show up on your doorstep unannounced?"

"Yes. I was so surprised. I didn't know what to say at first."

"What compelled them to do that?" Benjamin asked.

"She said they had started talking about me because they had visited the old camp, at least what is left of it. Fran felt guilty keeping that secret from Tim."

"What secret? That she knew he was dating you?"

"I made her swear never to tell him that she knew me. I thought that would increase their chances for staying together."

"By lying?" Benjamin asked, knowing in advance how much that comment would hurt her.

"That was stupid, I admit it now."

"Alright, no more about that. What happened between you and Fran after she met Tim?"

Patrice drew in a heavy sigh.

"I tried to cope for a few days. After that, I just couldn't stand being around Fran. She was so happy. He was making her so happy. I was supposed to be that happy. She took that from me."

Benjamin raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, I let her take it. Alright, I gave him to her. I did it. I fucked up!" Her last words echoed off the walls. Patrice used the bunched up Kleenex to wipe up a few more tears. "I couldn't stand being around her so I moved out. She even tried to find me, to talk to me but I avoided her. I guess she finally got the message because she stopped trying to find me."

"Did you two have a fight when you left?" he asked her.

"No. I didn't give her the chance. I didn't tell her I was moving out. I just took all my stuff and left while she was in class one morning."

"You really did avoid her."

"I'm not trying to pretend it was right, okay? I know I was wrong. I wanted to forget that year had ever happened. In my head, I tried to not think about it. In my heart, well, Tim was still there. And every time I touched myself... down there... I could feel what had happened to me. What Tim had done to me."

"You never forget your first time," Benjamin observed.

He looked at the clock which was prominently visible. Their time was just about up, but he didn't have anywhere to go. He had rules about extra time, especially for clients who were playing games by being late. He also had rules about extending sessions just a little when a breakthrough was being made. He decided this was one of those times to let the session go over.

Patrice smiled wanly. "It was a pretty good first time." She looked distant, and then focused on Benjamin again. "It was a great first time," she said with a grin.

"What have you learned from all this that can help you now?"

"If I ever get another chance, I won't—" she started but Benjamin cut her off.

"When you get another chance," he said in a slightly harsh tone.

Patrice started again, but with a smile this time. "When I get another chance, I won't get scared and push him away. I'll hang in there and give it a chance. I'll do something good for me."

"Promise?" Benjamin asked.

"Promise!" Patrice assured him.

"That's what I want to hear," he said in encouragement.

"I think I learned what happens when I get scared and pull the plug early. I feel like I am finally ready to see what happens when I ride it out."

"You've made a lot of progress. I think we've discovered the cause for why you weren't able to have any meaningful relationships. You were reacting to a fear that wasn't based in fact. You were trying to do what you thought would make other people happy instead of seeking out your own happiness. It's alright for you to be happy, too."

He let that sink in before continuing.

"I think you are ready to start coming every other week. Let's have our regular session next week and change your appointments after that. I also want you to start thinking about changing to a group session."

"Group session?"

"Yes, I have a group that meets on Wednesdays. It consists of women who are going through a similar situation to yours. It would help you to hear them telling about their situations. Yours isn't as unusual as you think."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, but I'll think about it."

"That is all I am asking, Patrice. Think about it. Well, our time is up for this week. I'd like for you to write in your diary how you felt about meeting Fran and Tim."

"Already done that," Patrice said with a triumphant smile.

"Good. You came face to face with your greatest fear, your real demon, and you handled it very well—all on your own."

Patrice smiled proudly at his words. Standing to leave, she took a chance.

"Dr. Benjamin, can I... hug you?"

"Patrice, you know I feel really happy for you right now." He thought about that. Rules were meant to be bent. Great breakthroughs had been made. She had really bared her soul and a hug was good medicine for the soul. He also thought about what a hug might mean to her, and how it would be in her best interest not to hug her, regardless of his feelings of empathy.

"If I hug you, it may cause problems that you can't foresee right now. Maybe we can talk about this next time."

Patrice nodded slowly.

"Okay, Dr. Benjamin," she said, then turned towards the door.

He walked her out to the lobby and unlocked the door to let her out. He locked it behind her and returned to his office to sit at his desk. Taking a pen, he made notes in Patrice's file. He summarized what they had discussed. Coming to the end, he thought about how far Patrice had progressed.

"She's going to be alright," he said to no one and he smiled. "Yes, she's going to make it."

He closed the file and returned it to the file cabinet. Closing the drawer, he pushed in the lock, hearing it make a satisfying click.

Benjamin stopped at the door and turned back around, surveying the room. He thought about all the secrets, all the sins of Dayton, revealed there. He thought about Patrice. As he turned off the light, he said softly, "She's going to make it."

He closed the door, and then tested the handle to be sure it was locked. It was a ritual he did every night, to separate work from his personal life. He headed down the hall and out the building, to his own life.

The End

This story couldn't have been written without the help of many friends. I am very grateful for the contributions each made to this story. I learned from each of them and the story was improved as a result. Jrb and his wife, lsab, encouraged me and helped me with the basic storyline. The concept of Part III was suggested by jrb. Euterpe and jobeller taught me what it was like to be a counselor at a summer camp and contributed stories of their own experiences, adding realism to the story. A very helpful man named Jason answered my call and told me all about the airport in Natchitoches. Dr. B explained why Patrice was acting the way she did, and also helped me with realistically portraying her therapy session. Bigfdfan told me all about Patrice's hometown. Nick Scipio lent me the use of his characters and let me give my readers a tiny glimpse of his upcoming Summer Camp Book 4. Finally, Terry Steyaert showed me where I could polish my story further. All these people also kept the secrets while we waited anxiously for the release.

I am very grateful for my many readers. Several of them even showed me a few more errors I failed to catch in the writing process. Perfection is not a destination, but a goal merely to be grasped at. Thanks for reading.

This story is Copyright © 2006 by Strickland83. All rights reserved.