See the Light

Rachel was out at Tommy's house so we had the house all to ourselves. Although I'd barely thought about him all week, Aaron had come up trumps and wined and dined me like a queen. Now I had to say I was in a much better mood than I had been with him for some time.

That wouldn't take much doing though.

"I'm so glad we were able to make things up," he said as we snuggled up on the sofa watching a DVD, before planting a soft kiss on my lips.

Sex with Aaron hadn't been high on my list of priorities after the disappointment of last week, until suddenly a thought occurred to me.

"I know darling," I said squeezing his thigh, "I'm sorry too. I should have realised how important this job was to you." I ran my fingers through his hair as I pulled him in close and kissed him deeply. "Perhaps we should take this to my room."

We could barely keep our hands off each other before we tripped our way into my bedroom and began to peel off each other's clothes.

"I've missed you so much baby," Aaron groaned as he pulled my top over my head and began to run his lips down my neck towards my chest.

Oh yes. He's pushing all my buttons just right tonight.

My head rocked back as he smattered kisses down from my collar bone to my breasts, where after unclasping my bra he took each nipple in turn and dowsed it in his mouth.

"That feels so good," I moaned as he twisted and teased my nipples with his teeth. He'd obviously remembered just how sensitive my large areolas were.

After pulling down my jeans and my panties he sat me down on the edge of the bed, where once again he put his mouth to great effect. He painted the most delicate of little kisses all the way around my bikini line, like a skilled artist using the finest of brush strokes.

No matter how hard I moaned he continued to tease me, running his tongue as close to my box as he could without touching it before pulling away again.

Where did this come from? He was keeping me on edge like a pro!

Eventually he gave in to my despair, running his tongue slowly up and down my slit. As he did, my eyes slammed shut and I cried out in elation. When he was in the mood Aaron really knew how to please me and right now his mouth was making me unbelievably wet.

"I need you inside me now!" I cried pushing him away from me. He didn't need any further invitation, ripping his clothes off as fast as he could and I soon saw his throbbing erection jutting out. "Don't just stand there, fuck me!" I said in my huskiest voice as I bent over the side of the bed.

You're definitely not a good girl anymore!

I was half expecting him to blow his load right there and then but no, he pushed his cock inside me and soon was fucking me with abandon.

It felt good, so much better than it had last time. Now seemed as good a time as any to unleash my plan.

"Spank me baby," I cried out as he fucked me from behind.

Aaron temporarily lost his rhythm as I took him by surprise, "What?"

"Spank me," I repeated, "spank me like I've been a naughty girl."

Christ did I really just say that?

The perplexed look on Aaron's face told me he certainly wasn't comfortable with the idea. "Ok," he said indecisively before taking his palm and swatting me very lightly on the bum.

Hmmm that was quite nice, quite soothing actually. Although it wasn't any more than a pat really.

"Harder!" I groaned.

This time Aaron was a little more confident. I could tell it wasn't really his thing but he found the courage to strike me quite a bit harder. Don't get me wrong he wasn't smacking me hard, but it was more than enough to feel it and the pain combined with the pleasure of him fucking me felt amazing.

"Even harder!"

"Baby, are you sure? I don't want to do anything that might hurt you."

"Do it!" I screeched.

This time he tried to spank me with some force, although I could tell it was killing him on the inside. As his hand landed on my behind I cried out, the mixture of pain and pleasure was such an intoxicating cocktail that I felt it reverberate through my every nerve ending.

"Again!" I cried.

He continued to fuck me, but his tempo slowed right down as if he was caught in two minds.

"Baby I don't think I can," he said pulling his cock out of me. "I'm sorry it's just not me." It appeared he was incredibly embarrassed by the whole situation.

"But you don't understand. I wanted you to do it," I said taking his hand in mine.

"I know that but it just didn't feel right," he replied pulling away from me. "I wasn't sure if I was hurting you or not."

I watched with disappointment as Aaron began to get dressed. It hadn't really occurred to me that he wouldn't want to do it. I kind of assumed it would bring out his natural dominant side.

"I'd best be going," he said walking towards the door. "I'm sorry it got a bit awkward tonight I'll call you soon though, okay?"

For the second time in seven days I was lying in bed feeling unfilled. Aaron hadn't been cool with spanking me at all, and I sensed he had been very shocked by me asking him to do it.

Oh well. All the more time to myself.

As I lay on my bed I reached down and began to rub my clit. Over the last few days I'd become quite adept at using my fingers, and as I closed my eyes there was only one image in my head.

Jeff tying me up, spanking me, teasing me until I beg for release.

A smile passed across my lips as I realised it was probably going to be another sleepless night.

4.

I woke up and my mind was tinged with guilt. I'd been so caught up in the moment. I should have realised that Aaron mightn't have been game. Just because I'd fantasised about it for the past week or so didn't mean he'd be up for it at all. Now I wondered whether the damage I' done to our relationship had been more than skin deep.

Isn't that what you wanted though? To be rid of Aaron?

I knew in my heart of hearts this was true, but that didn't stop me worrying about the consequences.

What would Rachel say if we broke up? Worse what would my mum say!?

Then I decided I must be worrying too much.

I'm sure once he's slept on it he'll realise he's over reacted. He'll probably call me later and say that he'll be up for it next time.

Still as the morning went on and I didn't get a text or call I couldn't help but fear the worst. I decided to try and put my dark fantasies to the back of my head for the time being, before I jeopardised another one of my relationships.

That didn't last long however. Marking work had now become my normal Sunday routine, and as I sat in the living room trying to work my way through the never-ending pile of essays that surrounded me, I heard the familiar beeping of my phone from the kitchen.

Could that be Aaron?

Heart thumping, I dashed through to the other room and picked it up.

One message received.

My fingers trembled as I thumbed through the message.

Good afternoon Claire I hope you are well. If you are free I would love the pleasure of your company for a cup of coffee. Jeff.

Although we had texted a couple of times it had been a while since I had spoken to Jeff, and after the trouble I'd had with Aaron, I'd tried not to think about some of his more kinky pursuits.

He always treated you so well though. He would never have slunk out of the room like Aaron did.

I didn't know why I was contemplating it. I already knew I would meet him again. With just a few words he had planted a seed in my mind that was starting to blossom into the most beautiful flower and I was desperate to find out more about him.

Then I thought about why he wanted to meet me again.

He must know. He must know I'm submissive.

***

Although the inside of the coffee shop was warm and welcoming, it was with great trepidation that I pulled myself through its double doors a couple of hours later. My pulse quickened as I scanned for a glimpse of the ponytail that had first captured my imagination.

Oh there he is.

He gave me a cheery wave as our eyes met, and after ordering myself a latté I flopped myself down in the snug armchair opposite him.

"I trust you've had a good week dear," he said.

"Well if I'm honest it's been a bit mixed," I replied, thinking of the previous night.

"Well why don't you tell me about the good parts first."

I took a sip from my mug and paused.

Was I really about to do this?

"What you told me about last week... BDSM," I stammered. "I've been reading about it on line."

"Seems I must have really struck a chord with you," he replied smiling, "may I ask what you've learnt?"

I related as much as I could remember from my late nights surfing the net, although I omitted to tell Jeff just how much it had turned me on. I was surprised just how much of a rush talking about it in a public place was. It felt so naughty and exciting.

Jeff on the other hand did not seem flushed at all. "I'm impressed; it seems your good looks are combined with a thirst for knowledge."

My face burned red. I loved the way he complimented me in a way no-one else did.

"I'm sure you can see why I recommended that you make your own journey of self-discovery. It would have shocked you beyond comprehension if I had spat all that at you right there and then in the pub."

"I know. There was so much stuff to take in."

"Well you have told me about the good parts of your week dear. Now I would like to hear about the bad. It's amazing how much talking your problems over can help one see through them."

I couldn't believe what I was about to divulge. I didn't think I would ever tell another living soul about what had happened last night between me and Aaron, but Jeff was so open and engaging I was sure he would understand what had taken place.

"Last night ¬¬-," I could feel my hands shaking, "last night I tried some of the stuff I'd read about, and it didn't go as well as I'd hoped."

"I'm sure it can't have been that bad dear," he said softly. "You've only been reading about the lifestyle for a week or so. I expect you just dived straight in the deep end of the pool without testing the shallow end first."

"No it's not that. I enjoyed it, it's just my..."

Shit I told him I was single!

In my mind's eye, I saw a whole card tower come crashing to the ground.

"It's just that my partner didn't."

For the first time I saw that charming smile fade away from Jeff's face. His eye's met mine.

"There's one thing in the lifestyle that most value above all else," he said slowly, "something that may not seem obvious from what you've read but is just as important as it is in vanilla relationships."

I nodded, too scared to move my eyes away from his glare.

"That thing is trust. There must be a level of trust between partners and you must always respect each other's limits." I felt his stare soften a little. "If you had a bad experience that was because you didn't set out how far you wanted to go before you started."

"I know. I realise that now. I feel so guilty about it."

Jeff's face turned stern again.

"And by the sounds of things, your partner wasn't the only person whose trust you have violated. If I'd known you were seeing someone else I wouldn't have invited you here."

His eyes felt as if they were cutting me into a thousand pieces.

"Please," I whimpered, "it's not like that. Our relationship has been rocky for ages." It didn't feel as if there was any way out of the corner I'd backed myself into.

"I won't lie," Jeff went on, "I invited you here because I like you. I find you intelligent and easy to engage with. I like you a lot," he paused, "but without trust and respect there is no way we can take this forward. To truly understand dominance and submission you really have to understand how important trust is."

I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout. Something. Anything. But instead no words came out. The realisation that I had screwed up two relationships in less than a day quickly dawned on me.

"I.. I'm so sorry," I eventually stammered.

Jeff's expression became more caring and relaxed again.

"It's ok my dear," he said drawing his head close to mine. "If I had realised how curious your mind would be I wouldn't have left you to your own devices. I must bear some responsibility."

"But you..."

"Listen to me now. You are completely new to the lifestyle. It takes months, sometimes years for one to find their true place within it. Your journey has only just begun."

I felt my heart pounding against my chest.

"You have started well but to really understand submission you must really understand the psychology of it."

***

I slammed the door to my bedroom shut as soon as I got home. There were so many different thoughts spinning around my head. I knew Jeff was disappointed with me, but he seemed to have given me a second chance. However before I could collect my thoughts together I heard a familiar knock at the door.

"Don't think you can just run in and hide from me like that!" said Rachel barging her way in. "I haven't seen you today how are you doing?"

"Pretty crappy," I replied, "things with me and Aaron are massively on the slide."

"I know, you said that before," she said sitting next to me on the bed. "Don't worry, I'm sure the two of you will work it out."

"The thing is I'm not sure if I want to work it out."

"Don't say things like that!" The brunette put her arm round me. "I've always felt as if you two were destined to be together."

Why was I the only person that didn't want that?

"Well I know what'll cheer you up," Rachel smiled, "it's your turn to choose a dare for us to do."

Although Rachel had always been a good friend she was clearly misguided if she thought that would pick up my spirits. Luckily I already had something in mind.

"Oh yea, I've been thinking about that actually," I said.

"And?"

I'd decided that if Rachel thought she could out-kink me in this game of hers she was going to be sorely mistaken. "I was thinking that we would each have to go out and buy a sex toy."

It was difficult not to smile at the look of shock on Rachel's face. I'm sure she had been expecting me to think of something far more prudish and it was nice to take her by surprise. However her open mouthed expression quickly retraced itself to a wry smile.

"I didn't think you able to come up with something like that," she said. "So that's the real problem is it? Aaron isn't doing enough for you between the sheets? Or perhaps you've just been watching too much Sex and the City?"

There was no way I was going to tell her that my fascination with toys had actually materialized from researching BDSM, so I just smiled wryly myself.

"Either way I like it," she continued, "what kind of timeframe shall we have? Till the middle of the week?"

"I'm going to be pretty busy," I replied. "How about we say a fortnight?"

"So you still haven't decided what you want to get, that's fine," she grinned. "Ok you're on. A fortnight it is."

***

The next few days flew by. All my free time seemed to be consumed by researching BDSM. I didn't hear anything from Aaron, so I was able to distance him from my thoughts as I strived to get back into Jeff's good books.

What was it he had said? To truly understand submission you must understand the psychology behind it?

I had to say I was struggling to understand what he'd meant. All the pictures I'd seen were of girls in varying stages of peril being teased or beaten in some way. My only understanding of the psychology behind it was why I found the idea of being spanked so enticing.

The pain is such a turn on.

It wasn't until Thursday night that I started to understand what Jeff had meant.

I was getting ready for bed, and as usual, after looking at all those pictures of women getting tied up and spanked I was feeling very hot and flustered. I opened my laptop one last time and clicked on a link that I'd seen earlier but hadn't thought to open.

It was a site containing erotic stories, thousands of them in fact, and I saw there was a section devoted to BDSM literature.

I had never really seen the point of erotica before, I'd always thought of it as trash for the deeply perverted to lap up. However as I flicked through the stories I was opened up to a whole new world.

I guess I'm one of the deeply perverted now.

The first thing I noticed about the stories was that in all of them there were particular protocols between the dominants and submissives. The subs only ever referred to the dominant as "Sir" or "Master" if they were a male, or "Miss" or "Mistress" if they were female. This was something I hadn't really gathered from looking at pictures but it made me realise just how strong the mental aspect of submission is. It wasn't just a case of being shackled in a cage for hours on end.

As well as verbal protocols, I also became aware of more visual acts of submissiveness. Many slaves would greet their Master's by kneeling, sometimes completely naked before asking them how they could be served. They were rarely forced to do this, which showed me that being submissive was more than just playing with kinky whips and handcuffs. The subs in the stories served because they were devoted to their dominant.

But how could someone love someone who liked to whip them?

Then it came to me. It truly was a two way relationship. The dominant loved the submissive because of what they gave them and vice versa.

The symbolism of different apparel became apparent to me. At first I'd just thought a collar was a cool, kinky bit of clothing, but now I knew what a powerful symbol it was. It didn't just tell the submissive that she was owned. It told her that she'd be cared for, loved and maybe most importantly, respected.

The thought of being stripped of my clothing and kneeling before Jeff raced through my mind. It wasn't just the thought of him doing dirty things to me that appealed now. It was also the thought that I belonged to him and would devote myself to him that made me giddy.

I reached down under my pyjamas and dabbed my fingers in my box.

Fucking hell I'm wet!

As I moved my hand upwards and began to prod my clit, I realised I was in for another restless night.

5.

"Yes I'd love to. That sounds great! Ok see you in a bit."

It was Saturday and I'd just got off the phone to Jeff. He'd agreed to meet me for coffee again this afternoon and I was determined to show him how much I had learnt about submission. Jeff had seemed in a cheery mood on the phone, and I didn't feel nearly as nervous as the last time I had seen him.

"Good to see you again," he smiled as I sat down next to him. "By the sound of it you have kept yourself very busy since we last spoke."

I tried to explain my new understanding of dominance and submission. Jeff nodded appreciatively as I told him how I now realised that BDSM was more than just kinky sex, for many it was a lifestyle choice and the act of submission was just as emotional as it was physical.

As I finished, Jeff paused and took a long sip of coffee as if deep in thought. "I'm impressed," he said finally, "it seems you have taken to heart what I said last week."

"I have," I replied, "I can really see what you meant about trust and respect being so important."

"Very good. Answer me this then," he paused, "in a relationship between a dominant and submissive, who is it that really holds all the power?"

I paused.

Surely it was obvious? The dominant has control over the submissive so they have all the power.

Then I thought again.

"I think it's the submissive," I answered, "because without their will to submit there can be no relationship."

Jeff beamed, "Very good dear." His smile was so wide that it look like he was about to explode with happiness. "I can now see you are starting to understand the true dynamic between a dom and their sub."