Sera Ch. 28

"I've fucked up so badly with this shit. Sometimes I still see Audrey's face when I'm about to drop off to sleep... Kitten, I wanted to tell you about all this from the first, but how could I? Because it wasn't just Gina I was thinking about, but also you. I didn't want you to have to face up to anything later on like I do."

As soon as I finished that sentence, her legs came up and out of the water with a sudden splash. Grabbing her shoes, she ran off without a word in her pitter-pattering bare feet. I watched her flee the pool area and disappear around the picturesque little bend and out of sight.

"Shit."

Kitten

I wanted to go to the cave, ply myself with vodka, get into the pool and float there face down like I did before. I sure as hell didn't want to face up, but the thing of it was that Stevie had appealed to me. He may have said some stuff I didn't much like, but he came across so well that I fought with myself about that booze I wanted until I ended up at the least likely door I could have imagined, wondering why when my mummy answered. She was still in her paisley shorts and cammie from last night, hair undone, and it was obvious that she hadn't been awake for very long.

"Hey, Kitten. What's up, babe?"

"I- well, I don't know," I told her, picking at my nails with my elbows out. "I came here because I was talking to Stevie and he said some stuff."

She blinked at me a couple times.

"I'm probably not making any sense," I said, starting to feel stupid.

"Not really, no. C'mon in."

That was good enough for me. She had a funny, careless way of treating people, but she was actually a nice person underneath. It was a hard thing to get about her at first, but she quickly grew on a person once her sincerity became recognizable for what it was and showed through.

Her apartment was a bit messy, but it had a comfy cozy feel with darker earth tones, the overstuffed furniture and the lowered lights. There was something cooking in her kitchenette, the only well lit area in the place, and it smelled great even to my full stomach. I felt like I could lie down and pass out, suddenly smiling at the fact that this was actually my mummy's home and how right it was for me to feel that way there.

"Make yourself comfortable. I was just doing up a hash if you're hungry."

"No thanks, I just ate, but it smells delicious."

"Thanks. Do you like to cook, by the way?"

"Yeah, but I'm not that good. I know what I know, mostly chicken."

"Your father's a good cook. His hash is the best, blows mine right outta the water."

"Potatoes are his thing," I said, sinking into a pillowy couch.

"Hey, you know something?"

"What?"

"It's pretty cool how we look alike, but especially how we're the same height. I've kind of noticed it a few times lately, but especially at the door just now. It's nice to have someone I don't have to look up at."

"I know," I agreed while I relaxed further into her upholstery, "it's like having an older twin sister, which makes no kind of sense at all."

"No," she agreed, turning the hash over with a loud sizzling, "but it shouldn't surprise you."

"How so?"

"Has your life ever really made sense?"

" ... No."

"Neither has mine. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way," she commented as her toast popped, "but they've probably never fucked a family member, have they? So, you've spoken to Steven and now you're upset, huh? Not surprising, really. I love the crazy kid, but he can be kinda upsetting at times."

"He's a shit disturber," I moodily judged. "Auntie Kathleen told me about a bunch of stupid stuff he did in school, and he had a popular girlfriend. Staci," I sneered.

"So, you're jealous?"

"No, I'm just saying that he ran with that kind of crowd."

"Okay."

" ... No... I'm just finding reasons to be hateful. He might be a jerk, but I don't care what he was doing in school. He obviously wants me and I want him, it's just that he..."

"What?" she prodded, scratching some butter across toast.

"He doesn't talk down to me like everybody else kinda always did. When he gets upset, he treats me like... you know."

"Like you're responsible enough to answer for yourself?"

" ... Yeah! That's exactly it. Instead of treating me like I can't understand and that he shouldn't even try, or treating me like I'm fragile, he actually freaks right out on me. Did you see him at the meeting? He was right in my face."

"Yeah, he has his line in the sand, doesn't he?"

"Does he ever."

"So, why are you finding reasons to hate him?"

"Because of him and his stupid inconvenient truths!"

"Wh- uh... like Al Gore?"

"No. (sigh) I gave him the chance to explain about Gina, like you said I should, and he told me about some people he knew, people who got fucked up because of him and the inconvenient truths that Sera brings to our lives. He kinda caught me a little off guard cause he showed up first thing in the morning, and I didn't have a chance to get any booze into me before we were off, and I was just all into him and distracted but then I was feeling like... shit!"

"I understand."

"You do?" I doubtfully moaned.

"Please," she laughed, shoveling some hash onto a plate, "Do remember who you're talking to here. I may not drag much behind me in terms of baggage, but there have been plenty of times when my actions drove me to the bottle and often kept me on it. I used to think that if I could only avoid doing something fucked up and self demeaning for long enough, I could get over my current crisis and then get off the bottle. Of course, I created every crisis when I'd been drinking, so that didn't turn out very well."

" ... He said that it makes Sera stronger. Gives her hand."

"Yeah? Well, I wouldn't know about that," she admitted, grabbing a fork and coming over with her breakfast, "but what do you think? No offense, sweetie pie, but you pour a lot of vodka and milk down your neck. I've seen you."

"You're asking how I feel now that I'm sober," I assumed, not even waiting for a reply before I somewhat miserably owned up with, "I used Gina. I- I made excuses for it when I influenced her and it even seemed okay then, but I just did it because it was her and I wanted to see... stuff. I didn't mean to hurt her, I still love her and... fuck!"

Sheila, now sitting across from me in a puffy armchair, looked directly at me with no judgment in her expression whatsoever, making it strangely easy, natural even, to open up to her.

"I did wrong."

"Yes," she said, "you did."

I could only blink at her. Again, it was a simple agreement, not an accusation. She shoveled some hash into her mouth and I sighed, closing my eyes, wondering if it wasn't time for that drink I'd been heroically putting off.

"What would you have done?" I asked.

In a sense, I posed this question without any expectations of a response, but more out of a funny habit that I'd always had, that of wondering what Sheila would do. I was almost surprised when she did reply, and it was without hesitation.

"Exactly what you did."

I snapped my eyes open.

"Fuck yeah."

"You just said I did wrong!"

"Yeah, so?"

I explained to her my long standing habit of wondering what she would do, and got a smile from her as she continued eating. When I was done, she looked pleased when she spoke, though her words seemed to have little to do with that expression.

"I'm afraid I'm no role model for you and, when wondering what I would do, you should generally do the exact opposite of whatever you think that is. But we're really not talking about that. We're talking about your guilt over using Gina for your own entertainment. Also, we're talking about how Steven treats you in relation to that."

"Okay," I almost hesitantly agreed.

"Any way you look at this, it's obvious that you're pursuing Steven, therefore you've already decided to sacrifice your relationship with Gina in some way- in addition to your boyfriend in Langley- and all for Steven. And since it looks like you've made up your mind about what it is you want, you should understand that things with Gina would've boiled out like this in one way or another."

It was true.

"Daddy is my boyfriend."

There was no reason not to tell her. Auntie Kathleen already knew and, hey, this was Sheila. Well, her fork stopped halfway to her mouth as she looked at me with genuine surprise, then a slow smile.

"Oh, fuuuck... yeah, I shouldn't be surprised."

"How do you mean?" I asked, not quite sure how to take that.

"Because I would have if I were you."

After a moment, I could only grin back.

"But now you're leaving your father for your cousin."

I allowed a pause to go by as my grin faded, and I thought about this again without the foggy white curtain of vodka and milk. She was watching me, having gone back to eating and I was again impressed at how comfortable I was in talking about these things with her.

"Daddy himself tried to tell me that it was no good for me, that I should have someone my own age. It's just that he was the only real man I ever knew and... he took care of me. I wanted him and I didn't listen. Geez, I never thought I'd meet a cousin, someone so well suited to me and my horny who I'd fall in love with so fast, or that there was so much behind this side of the family."

"Have you talked to your father yet?"

"No."

"I'd think he'd appreciate a call, no matter what Gina told him."

"Oh my god, I can't imagine," I worried. "What would I ever tell him?"

"Tell him the truth. Well, not about Sera, but that you've met someone."

"I can't just tell him that, it'd be like, like..."

"Like me leaving him all over again?"

" ... Oh god, I didn't mean it like-"

"It's okay," she said with a smile, "It's a valid concern. But I think... Uh, I asked about Peggy once."

I gave her a sad smile and said, "Yes, they're together. Me, Gina, Daddy and Peggy are all lovers."

"I would have loved to be a fly on the wall of that bedroom. Yeah, your dad was always quite a guy and I always liked Peggy. Top quality people and I'm glad they found happiness with each other. To be honest, I found Gina to be a bit of a snooty little bitch, but I liked her well enough. Your dad might miss his daughter, but it sounds to me like he won't be alone and I'm thinking he'll understand your decision if you're up front with him."

Again, she was right.

"But what about Gina?" I asked.

"Steven's just as responsible as you are where Gina's concerned, and he knows it. He'll help you put that situation to rights one way or another."

"Okay, so... what should I do now?"

"Well, you want Steven, right?"

"Yes."

"Start hanging around him. Even if you argue with him, you should stop avoiding him and... really take ownership of him. Ya know?"

"I think so," I said with a grin.

"Keep in mind, your relationship with him will be very different than the one with your father. Like you just mentioned, this is your male counterpart."

"Giggle!"

"I know, just imagine. ... Hey, um... you wanna call up a servant so we can have a cock to suck?"

"Oh yes, Mummy," I leered.

"Ohhh... I like that."

Steven

I was feeling a bit better with a few beer in me. I drank them after I got back to my apartment, taking note of the markets and distracting myself again for a while. I soon found myself picking up where I'd left off with the trends in the energy sector and actually fell asleep in front of the monitor after some hours. I don't know what time it was, or how long I slept, didn't even look at my watch when a knock at the door woke me up.

For whatever reason, I was expecting Sheila. I opened the door and found Kitten standing there instead, thinking it really was her mother at first.

"I'm a bit surprised. I thought I'd have to go find you," I offered with a little smile.

"Well... let's talk some more," she replied.

"Okay. Uh, c'mon in."

She followed me in, still in that short little dress, looking around herself as though she hadn't been there before. I turned around in the middle of the floor and came across the best I could with a certain admission.

"Um, look I know what I said earlier, but I had a few beer and I'm gonna have one now. You?"

"Okay. I had a drink earlier, too."

I nodded and turned to get each of us a cold one. By the time I did, she was curiously studying the monitors with the scrolling numbers and bell curves.

"What's all this?"

"Uh... well it might bore you."

"Why would it bore me?"

"Because it bores most people."

"Try me."

"It's what's wrong with the economy."

"Oh. ... Okay."

"See this graph with dates from the end of the second World War?"

"Yeah."

"Those are world oil prices. Now if you look at this other graph showing economic declines since nineteen-forty-five and compare, you'll see that all these declines correlate to dramatic increases in the price of oil. Basically, every time there's an oil shock, the world economy takes a shit soon after and all of our recessions since the last World War are because of oil shocks, including this one.

"I thought it was all those crooked banks in the States and because the big three forgot how to build a half decent car."

The big three's mismanagement wouldn't have been enough, and Cleveland's not so big that it's subprime mortgages could create a world recession. Meanwhile, the trends don't lie and, as it turns out, I wasn't the only one to see them. I've since found that what we're looking at here is called 'Peak Oil', something a guy named Hubbert predicted in nineteen-fifty-six with this bell curve that you see on this monitor here. Based on the fact that oil as a resource is a finite supply, this bell curve shows well discoveries since-"

"Stevie?"

" ... Now you're bored?"

"Yes, but I get the gist of it, sweetie pie."

"Okay."

"You know something?"

"What?" I asked as she took her beer from me and totally changed the subject with, "I like it when Sera has some hand. She makes me feel like the person nobody ever thought I was inside. Does that make sense?"

" ... Yeah. She's not without her charms. So you do separate yourself from her? As a person, I mean?"

"Yeah, I guess. Do you see a difference?"

"Yes."

"Do you like her?"

" ... I fell in love with her when she came up in Mum."

She only looked at me for a moment, then nodded solemnly before taking a seat at the desk.

"Did your mummy tell you that me and my daddy are... you know?"

"Yeah, she mentioned it."

"Okay, so... I'm leaving him for you."

"Uh... okay, yes."

"You sound a little hesitant."

"No, it's just that you sometimes have a... an abrupt way about you."

"I get the feeling you can handle it."

"Let's hope so."

She laughed about this, genuinely humoured before getting up and walking aimlessly across the living area to bring up another topic I wouldn't have expected.

"You know, Auntie Ashleigh wants me to keep an eye on your mummy."

"Huh?"

"Yup. I was thinking about that after you mentioned that party where you got her gangbanged."

"Okay," I said.

"And I got to thinking about our adventure at the hotel, and then what happened when me and your mummy went out."

"I still haven't heard any details about that, but go on."

"Well, my point is that we might kinda get settled on what we're... doing."

"You mean like codes of conduct?" I asked with a sheepish grin.

"Well, yeah. I mean, Auntie has expectations of us and that's why she has the estate staffed like she does, but let's face it: Outside adventures are way good."

"I know, you're preaching to the choir."

"I'd have thought your moral compass would have been more of a hurdle for you."

"I have no excuse for myself," I shrugged. "I actually believe that Ashleigh's right about keeping things on the estate, it's just that I've had the taste of..."

"Using them?"

" ... Yes. It's fun."

"And you loved watching what those guys did to me like you did when they gangbanged your mummy."

"Yes."

"I liked it too and- well, I want to be a proper woman for you, but we could have so much... fun."

"I know. I want to be good for you, but I also know how we both think, and Ashleigh telling me what is and isn't realistic for me doesn't help."

We paused, each of us chewing on that for a moment before she turned and flounced her hips saucily out to the veranda, where the first thing out of her mouth was a complaint.

"Aww, poopy! Your view's way better than mine!"

I followed her out there, looking at her as she surveyed the backyard, wondering if she was wearing panties and how she'd feel if I looked.

"You can see the pool and everything! No fair!"

"Its executive class, baby," I joked. "Stick around me and you'll get used to being entitled to this kind of entitlement."

"Don't be silly," she giggled just like Marie might.

I watched her smile as she looked about the scenery below us until she turned and caught me looking at her.

"What?" she asked.

"We really do have to be on the same page, y'know."

"I know."

"I wonder if you do," I said, disappearing back inside the shady and relatively cooler interior of my apartment.

Following me, she asked, "Why? How do you mean?"

I wanted to really answer her, to tell her about our eventual dilution, but I had to trust that Ashleigh had her wits about her and would break it to her better than I could have at the time. That said, I didn't like putting all my eggs in Ashleigh's basket, and an alliance with Kitten was not only natural, but eventual. However, the problem of what I could tell her to bring her in remained as I threw myself down on the couch, and she stood in the middle of the room, arms folded under her tits while she waited patiently, seriously for my answer.

"Its pure speculation."

"Let's hear it anyway."

"Okay. I think that Sera has a form of consciousness we may not be quite aware of, even as carriers."

"You mean... huh?"

"Sera isn't even from what we'd call 'our reality' and I think there's another aspect of her, maybe apart from us, that is beyond how even we recognize her."

"Ummm... you'll have to explain better," she told me, paying close attention.

"I can't. It's just a feeling, like something here is bigger than what we know."

"You must have something more than just a feeling."

" ... Did you notice the way Ashleigh often spoke of Rebecca in the present tense?"

" ... Yes, but that's just... It's probably just cause she's used to reading her notes and stuff like she's still alive."

"You really wanna make that call in this family?"

"Stevie, can I say something?"

"Sure."

"Okay, well don't get mad but... So what? I mean, I know you have a hard time with this, but we're not like other people and that's that. It's like what Auntie Ashleigh says about what's realistic about us. You have to learn to loosen up if you're ever gonna be able to live with yourself."

"Loosen up? Remember what I told you about Audrey?"

"Audrey has nothing to do with this. This is who and what we are, and there doesn't seem to be much we can do about that, no matter if your suspicions are accurate or not. And just because Audrey died doesn't mean you have to, does it?" Don't you have to accept this stuff at some point and move on with your reality?"

"I'm trying, but I keep waiting for that other shoe to drop."

"Your speculative theory, you mean."

"Yeah. Something..."

"Your mummy feels the same way, you know."

"How's that?" I asked.

"She thinks we're all in line for some kinda surprise, even Auntie Ashleigh."

"Mum's often right about this stuff," I commented.

"She's definitely convincing, but whatever it is won't change who and what we are."

"How do you know?"