Seraphim and Theorem

Petra looked down to see her arms bleeding.

"You bleed because you need to feel pain, to know that you are alive. You hide your shame and punish yourself for things you can control. Your pain makes you forget what is really important to you." Said the late Bianca.

Petra wiped away the blood that streamed from her wounds only to make way for more bleeding. She ripped off pieces of her shirt to bandage the cuts but they only seeped through the material.

"Make it stop, please make it stop!" cried Petra.

"Only you can do that Petra. Only you can fix what is broken." Said the shadows.

Petra woke to a throbbing pain in her wrists. It took a few moments for her to remember where she was and why.

"Have a good nap?" asked Angel.

Petra looked over to see her roommate propped on her bed reading a book. She rolled over onto her side to face Angel.

"Yea, it was craptacular, thanks. What time is it?" she asked.

"It's going for two, almost time for group therapy. You missed lunch so I brought you a soda and some fruit. I couldn't bring you a salad, my pockets aren't that big." Said Angel.

"Thanks." Petra opened the can of soda and took a long drink. "So what's group therapy like?"

"Not bad. Our group is self-injurers so you find some common ground. You don't have to talk today if you don't want to, but don't worry; no one is going to judge you. We've all been there." Said Angel.

Petra took another sip of her soda and looked at Angel's scarred arms. Some of them were deep, some she could tell were fresh and she could see the one on her left wrist where she had received stitches at one time.

"How long have you been doing it?" she asked.

"Cutting? I don't really know. Years. You?" asked Angel

"Same. I thought I would grow out of it after college but..."said Petra.

"It's like any other addiction. People can't quite understand that though. It's a release, at least for me it is. I know that I'm alive." Said Angel.

"Exactly." Said Petra. "I didn't think anyone else could understand it but me. I can't feel pain, emotional I mean. I can't cry. I've tried, but I can't. I can't get angry either. It's like I'm dead inside and seeing my own blood makes me realize I'm living and breathing but from inside some other place."

Angel put down her book and sat up so she was facing Petra. "So what made you do it this time? Or have you tried before?" she asked.

"I've never done this before, it wasn't my intention to kill myself. I don't even remember cutting myself." Said Petra. "I'm not suicidal!"

"Whoa. I never said you were. Cutters aren't suicidal that's why I was curious." replied Angel.

Petra was feeling a little uncomfortable at first but Angel seemed to make her feel relaxed and not embarrassed. It was if she knew what was going on inside her head. She liked her roommate even better than the one she lived with for all these years. It was strange considering that had just met.

"I noticed you checking out my artwork." Angel held up her wrists. "At the time I was ready to die. My older brother died from Leukemia. He was my mentor. I loved him so much and it all happened so fast. From the time he was diagnosed until he died was only a matter of about 4 months. I lost it and took granddad's straight razor one night...zip...zip. Next thing you know I'm in the Emergency room get stitched and lectured. Two days later they brought me here for the first time."

"That's so weird. My sister died of Hodgkin's. That's why I went into genetics research. I wanted to find the cure." Said Petra.

"Well I think we both need to thank our guardian angels or we wouldn't be here today. Mine deserves combat pay." Laughed Angel.

"You don't really believe all that shit do you?" laughed Petra. "Angels and demons, leprechauns and fairies, giants and ogres. It's all make-believe."

"How can you be so sure?" asked Angel. "Have you ever seen one?"

"No and that's how I know they don't exist. There is no substantiated proof as to the existence of any one of those creatures. I'm a scientist, if there was any proof of such things it would be documented." Said Petra.

"Angels and demons are documented." Said Angel.

"Oh really? Where?" asked Petra.

"In the bible." Said Angel.

"That fallacious textbook of parables and metaphors? I'm talking factual documentation, not the writings of probable schizophrenics and soothsayers." Said Petra.

"My but we are contemptuous aren't we? For someone who is supposedly so smart you have such a tiny brain." Said Angel.

"I beg your pardon." Huffed Petra.

"Hang on to your bad self for a minute. I'm merely stating fact. Humans do not use their full brain capacity. Thus you have a tiny brain limited by the ability to experience things that you can't explain without question. You need to stop trying to figure out the how and why and just go with the why not." Said Angel. "You look at the sunset and see the refraction of light instead of saying..."Oh, look at the pretty colors!" you're limiting yourself to thinking inside the box, it does have an outside as well."

"Don't be ridiculous. I can see beauty in things. I'm not totally absorbed in my work." Said Petra.

"Then why do you cut yourself? Is it because even pain has it's own beauty? Is it the euphoria you feel when you make that first cut and you feel the warmth of your own life flowing from your body in that exquisite crimson gash?" asked Angel.

"You're sick." Said Petra.

"Am I really or are you just afraid to admit that I'm right?" asked Angel.

Before Petra could reply the nurse came in to tell them it was time for group. Petra felt relieved to not have to continue this conversation any longer. Angel had hit a nerve; one that she hoped was dead.

December 21st. Afternoon.

Petra had settled into a routine, she even began to speak during her group therapy. She felt relaxed in the group, the other women were genuine there was only one she didn't care for, Lilith. Angel and Lilith seemed to be at odds with one another, it was subtle but Petra picked up on it as if they had a history that wasn't amiable. Petra was uncomfortable with the way Lilith would look at her; she could feel her dark eyes boring into her when she spoke her turn.

Angel had an appointment with a new doctor who was administering a different medication to Angel. She told Petra to be ready for an adventure when she returned. Petra had no clue as to what Angel was up to, they had a few escapades where they explored various parts of the institution that were off limits to patients. It gave Petra a rush as if she were back in high school and sneaking cigarettes behind the convent with her best friend. Angel was the closest thing to a best friend that Petra had right now. She enjoyed these jaunts and breaking the rules. It was so unlike her, the woman who was so rigid in her personal standards, and the one who followed the rules, yet here she was in a mental institution having the most fun she had in years.

She was going through her closet to find a sweater when she heard someone behind her, thinking it was Angel she turned around quickly only to see Lilith standing near the door.

"Hello Petra. I didn't mean to startle you." Said Lilith slightly raising the one corner of her mouth. "I thought I would stop by and see how you've acclimated to our little madhouse."

"I'm doing fine thank you, but it wasn't really necessary for you to drop by." Said Petra.

Lilith moved further into the room trailing her fingers along Angel's dresser. "Oh I had some spare time and I thought we might chat." Said Lilith.

"Really? And just what would you like to chat about?" Petra was suspicious.

"I see you and Angel get along quite nicely. I guess that means her new meds must be working. We were all so worried after her last attempt." Said Lilith.

"Last attempt?" asked Petra.

"You don't know?" asked Lilith. "She tried to kill herself after a very low period. One day she was good and then the next she was completely withdrawn. She stayed in her room, just sitting and staring off, then one day she took a CD, broke it in half and gouged at her wrists. I mean you had to have seen the scars?"

"Wait, she told me that was after her brother died that she did that." Said Petra.

"Oh." Lilith paused. "Is that what she told you?" Lilith then sat on the edge of Petra's bed. "The truth is Angel is a lifer. She came her when she was 15. I suppose she told you about her brother dying from some disease or something, right?"

"Yes...why?" asked Petra.

"She doesn't have a brother, never did. She's just insane." Said Lilith

Why are you telling me all of this? How do I know you aren't insane and making this all up because you and Angel don't get along?" asked Petra.

Lilith rose from the bed and headed towards the door, she turned back to Petra. "I guess you'll have to figure things out for yourself then. Ta-Ta!" she closed the door behind her as she departed leaving Petra to ponder what had just taken place.

"Hey Roomie, ready for a special treat?" asked Angel as she bounded into the room and began going through her drawers for a sweatshirt.

"Hmmm? Oh, yea. I'm ready." Said Petra.

"You okay?" asked Angel as her head emerged from her sweatshirt. "You have this look on your face like you've just kicked a puppy."

"No. I'm fine. Really." Said Petra. "Lilith stopped by to say hello."

Angel was digging into the back of her closet for her knapsack. She pulled it out and threw it over her shoulders. "If Lilith came here it wasn't to say hello, she's up to something."

"Yea, that's what I figured." Petra wanted to forget about what Lilith had said. "So what's with the knapsack?"

"Ah, that's a surprise." Grinned Angel. "Okay, let's boogie."

The women snuck past the nurse's station and made their way to a small room just to the right of the bathrooms. At the back of the room stood a doorway. Behind the door was a staircase that led down into a basement hallway. Angel slid the knapsack off her shoulders and fished for a flashlight. The hallway was long and dark; cobwebs and an occasional rat scurrying by were all that resided there. Petra could tell that it was never used but couldn't figure out how Angel found it and where it could possibly lead to but she really didn't care at this point. After a few minutes of walking Petra could see the light shining on another door with a board propping it shut.

"I was able to get this opened, I put this here so security thinks it's locked, not that anyone ever checks here that often, it's been forgotten. You'll see why." Said Angel.

She removed the board and tugged at the door to open it. The doorway led to the outside of the building, its entrance was covered in ivy vines and undergrowth. They picked their way out of the small jungle and found a barely visible path that led into the woods.

The day was rather warm for December but it had the feeling of snow lingering at the edges as the sun was still making an attempt to warm the Earth one last time. Petra took a deep breath drawing in the rich smells of the decaying leaves and relishing the sounds of her footsteps crunching and cracking the leaves and branches that had fallen. It had been a long while since she had been in a forest and she was enjoying every second.

She trailed behind Angel who was humming "Angels We Have Heard On High" while identifying the flora and fauna in her head. The path soon gave way to a ramshackle cottage. The forest seemed to have claimed it as its own. The front door was hanging off its hinges and they walked inside.

"Here we are." Said Angel as she dropped the knapsack onto the dirt floor.

"And where exactly would we be?" asked Petra.

Angel had begun to make a makeshift bench from a few large rocks and some old planks. The roof had a large hole in it and the sun streamed down lighting up a small patch on the dirt floor.

"This my fellow nutcase is my secret sanctuary." Said Angel. "Sit."

She pointed to the bench and reached inside her knapsack. Then she pulled out a bottle of wine and two plastic cups, a package of cookies and her cigarettes. Setting them down on a flat rock she shrugged off her sweatshirt.

"This was an old caretaker's house. It's been long forgotten. It's my home away from home so to speak. I come here to meditate." Angel winked.

"I like what you've done with the place, very rustic." Said Petra.

"Yea, I'm not into that flashy modern stuff." Said Angel as she opened the wine and poured a cup for her and Petra. Handing the cup off to her and then opening the cookies she settled back onto the bench. "You're the only other person that knows about this place."

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about it." Petra crossed her heart and raised her hand. She sipped her wine forgetting when the last time was that she had a drink. "I'm honored that you trust me enough to share it with me."

"I do trust you Petra. You're not the regular crazy person that comes through those doors. You just got side tracked somewhere and this is a resting place." Angel nibbled on a cookie. "Once you decipher your root problem you'll be sprung and back into the real world."

"What do you mean by root problem?" asked Petra quickly finishing her wine and pouring another cupful.

"You know, the thing causes you to behave the way you do, that repressed thought or memory that needs to come out." Said Angel

"I don't know why I do it I just do." Petra reached for a cookie.

"Okay, not this time but the time before you cut, what was going on that made you do it?" asked Angel starting on her second cup of wine.

"Geez, that was like two years ago." Sighed Petra. "My boyfriend called it quits." She picked at the chocolate chips on her cookie. "I couldn't deal with it."

"Tell me." Said Angel.

Petra swallowed a big gulp of wine letting it warm her insides and rekindle the memory of a time she buried away.

"I was lost, not just after that but before that. I was never the anaclitic type I took care of myself. I didn't know how to let others take care of me. He wanted to do that and I was so self absorbed in saving the world I didn't realize I needed saving until it was too late." She poured some more wine, took a sip and continued. "I thought everything was going well, that we would eventually marry. He knew my devotion to my work but I never realized his devotion to me. One night out of the blue he called and said he couldn't do this anymore. I was floored. I had no clue how unhappy he was with me and how little I understood about his needs.

"So you got depressed and cut?" asked Angel.

"No I became damaged for a better word. I had the best thing going for me in the world, someone who loved me regardless. It ended up that we couldn't even be friends. I had an emotional shutdown."

"So you died silently... inside." Said Angel.

Petra tapped her nose and winked. "Give the lady a cigar." She said. "I convinced myself that I was as malignant as the cells I had become so engrossed into. I don't deserve love. Evil incarnate that was me, hell bent on destroying everything good around me. I couldn't cry, though I wanted to I just couldn't. I couldn't get angry. I had no emotions at all. Just an unfeeling selfish bitch that thought that the world was against her because no one could get inside her head."

"You said don't" said Angel.

"What?" asked Petra.

"You said you don't deserve love, you used the wrong tense."

"No I didn't." said Petra downing the cup of wine. She was beginning to feel the buzz of too much wine on an empty stomach.

"Yea you did, you said I don't deserve love. Is that how you really feel?" asked Angel.

Petra thought for a moment. "Maybe deserve is the wrong word. She paused. No. It isn't. I meant it in a karma tic sort of way. You see," she slightly slurred. "I must have been a major asshole in my past life. I haven't learned yet." She reached into her pocket and took out a cigarette. She lit and took a deep drag. " I don't know how to love, or be loved or keep love. I'm the bull in the china shop of love."

"You need to love yourself first before you can give yourself up wholly to someone else. You judge yourself with such harshness that you see yourself as someone you aren't." Angel said as she poured the last of the wine into her cup. "Then you hide in your microscopic world trying to find the meaning of life when life is all around you. You want it sectioned off and labeled. You want to see how it works and how to fix it." She took a drink. "You want to fix God's mistakes or so you think."

"What the hell is with you and the religious shit all the time? Just because your name is heavenly doesn't give you the right to solicit your virtuosity on everyone else." Said Petra as she flicked an ash onto the ground.

"I'm not preaching to you Petra, I'm trying to get you to see that you've lost your spirit and until you can fix that your mind and body are in limbo. You've given up hope and until you can get that back then you're going to be here a long time." Said Angel.

Petra stumbled to get up from the bench spilling her wine and throwing the cup across the empty room.

"I'm supposed to hope for what? Divine miracles to come along one that will make me find a cure? One that will make me find a lover? I should hope that your God will come down and breath his wisdom into me and make me understand why he allows disease to come along and kill the ones he is supposed to love? Is that it?" yelled Petra.

"You're pissed because you feel like God took your sister's life not a group of defective cells. When you're tired of blaming yourself you blame something you don't understand because it's easier than to admit that life isn't all black and white. It's colors and textures and shapes and smells and tastes. It goes on when other things cease to exist and when something we love is taken away the first thing we do is to lay blame. Who better to blame than a being that we can't see but can feel in our hearts? Where do you think love came from? It didn't come from a beaker or a test tube. It was always here and will always be here as long as there are stars in the sky, fish in the ocean, trees rooted deeply into the earth." Said Angel.

"I'm going back." Petra threw her cigarette on the ground and stamped it out.

"No you're running away like always. Your love for your sister is what binds you here and her love for you that is still here is what fuels your spirit to go onward. You fear love just as you fear hope. If you can run from both then you won't get hurt and it isn't all about you. It's about understanding your purpose and realizing that pain and fear are just part of the experience of living. You have to make things palpable because you see the dogmatic notion that love and hope are the way to truth is obscene." Said Angel.

Petra turned to Angel. A tear ran down her cheek as she stared into Angel's eyes.

"I hate you." Glared Petra. "I hate you." She echoed as she ran back to the asylum.

Petra made it back to her room unnoticed. She threw herself down on the bed and covered her head with her pillow. She couldn't get Angel's words out of her head.

Angel sat on the bench and lit a cigarette. She replayed the conversation in her head. There was no way she was going to get through to Petra before Christmas Eve.

"Can I bum one of those?" said a voice next to her. It was Lilith.

"Help yourself." Said Angel.

"You got your hands full with that one." Said Lilith.

"You're not kidding. Do you think she fell for your story?" asked Angel.

"I think so, she seemed unsure." Said Lilith. "I think we may have to resort to playing hard ball."

"I think you're right." Said Angel as she blew a puff of smoke in the shape of heart. "I want you to go back and lay it on thick."

"No problem." Said Lilith as she blew a puff of smoke in the shape of an arrow that pierced Angel's heart design. She started to snicker.