Serena and John: The Conclusion

"Your father did not leave me! I drove him away! I had an affair! I cheated on him with Bill Collins and he found out and he left me. That's what happened and he isn't the one to blame. I am!"

I guess we were both so shocked we didn't know what to say. Mom was still staring at us with so much anger that we thought we had done something wrong. She watched us impatiently and finally said again:

"Don't you understand me? I did it, he didn't. It's my fault and he hates me now and I don't blame him. I suppose you hate me too. You should for what I did."

"We were finally able to get her calmed down and we both took turns holding her and talking to her and we both told her we didn't hate her. I think we both told her we forgave her for hurting you and for driving you away. We didn't know what else to say. It was pretty bad."

I listened with some surprise and a great deal of sadness. What I had expected would give me pleasure instead caused me only pain. I wanted her to hurt and to feel what I felt, but this was far more than I was prepared for. I never considered what it would do to our children to hear the truth. Nor had I thought of the tremendous pain and guilt that would come to Serena by telling her children that she had done the unthinkable; she cheated on their father and drove him away and out of their lives.

As I thought about what Ben told me, I finally asked him how she had been since our meeting three days ago. I was uneasy and a little concerned. Apparently Serena was not quite as strong as she wanted me to believe and I worried that she might do something crazy.

"Mom never told us how the meeting went. She came home early that evening and went to her room and stayed there all evening. The next day, she refused to talk about it and came out of her room only long enough to fix some dinner. She wouldn't even eat with us. She hasn't been out of the house since that night."

Ben reached into his coat jacket and pulled out a small package. He laid it on the table in front of me.

"When I told mom I was meeting with you and Mike tonight for dinner, she didn't say anything but she did go into her room and came out later with this package. All she said was to give it to you and tell you to listen to it all the way through. I presume it is a tape recording of some kind. I didn't open it so I'm not sure."

I knew exactly what it was. I left it there on the table that morning after the confrontation with Bill and Serena and Sally. I had forgotten about it and really never wanted to hear it again. The tape left in the player was a consolidation of several phone calls and one meeting. I had left it with the original tapes sitting next to the player when I left. I didn't know which tape was in the player but I assumed I would find out.

"What exactly did she ask you to tell me? Exactly?"

"She just said to tell you to listen to it all the way through. That's all she said before she went back into her room."

"Thanks. I know what she means, I think. Anyway, what do you two think about this whole thing? I never took the time to talk to you about it and I apologize for that. I guess you know now why I took off but I don't know whether that was the best thing to do or not. At the time, I wasn't thinking too clearly. I was, and still am, very angry and hurt. More at the betrayal of trust on both your mother's and Collins' part than anything else. I still love your mother, but I lost my trust because of her affair and I don't know whether I can get it back. It's hard to explain, and I just hope it never happens to you."

Michael took over at this point. Again they shared that look that they had between them ever since they were just kids. Mike sort of nodded and began.

"You have to know that what we want is for the two of you to work this out and get back together. Mom screwed up big time, but she's sorry and devastated by it and she's desperate to find some way to get you back. She and Julie have discussed it over and over and she always ends up crying. Carrie and Julie have both talked to her and they have taken her out to lunch and shopping and over to the house to get some things, but still mom ends up sad and discouraged. She's taking this pretty hard in case you hadn't thought about it. You've been so wrapped up in your own self pity that you don't realize you're not the only one in pain. It hurts Ben and me as well. We hate this and we hate what she did, but you disappointed us too. You ran away and didn't even try."

Well, I asked for it and they gave it to me, and they were right. I did leave and I gave no one else any consideration. I ran for me and to hell with everyone else. I remembered the look on Sally's face as well. I had handed her a real hot potato and just turned away leaving her with the mess to clean up alone. I never even bothered to check up on her after telling her I would be there for her.

"I can't explain how I felt to you guys. Only understand that I now know I let some people down as well. That's why I came back as soon as I did. Let me think about what I want to do next and I'll call you, Ben. You can keep Mike updated as well. In the meantime, I'll listen to this tape as your mother requested and then I'll let you know."

With that, we ended the evening and I went back to the apartment to think and to listen to the tape. I wondered what she had put on it or what it was that I was supposed to listen to until the end. I know that I didn't have the strength to listen to their afternoon in the hotel room all the way through. All I did remember was getting sick to my stomach as I listened to as much as I could stand. I hoped that wasn't what she intended. Maybe to hurt me again as I had hurt her at the restaurant? That didn't sound like her.

I put on some coffee and made myself as comfortable as I could. I opened the package and, sure enough, it was the small recorder I had left that morning. I popped the cover to find the tape of the afternoon at the hotel. I noticed that it was wound part way through so I left it as it was and pushed play.

What I heard surprised me. According to the counter, it picked up after about 30 minutes into their tryst. I had listened to it almost as far as this and then shut it off. I had heard enough at the time. I had already known about them by then and this tape was only a confirmation of what I already knew. That's why I didn't bother listening to it completely.

The sounds I heard seemed to be of Serena in the bathroom. I could hear water running and Bill's voice calling to her.

"Serena? What are you doing? Come on back out here and let me get you off. I know you didn't cum, so come on babe." Nothing from Serena, and Bill was mumbling to himself but I couldn't make it out.

"There you are. Why are you dressed already? We have plenty of time and I'm not through with you yet. Come here and let me take those clothes off of you."

"Bill, we have to talk. I just want you to listen and let me say what I have to say. OK?"

"Why are you so serious babe? We're just having fun and it's no big deal. Just come on over here to big Billy and let me take your mind off of serious stuff."

"No! Bill, we're through. This is the last time I'm going to be with you. You had some fun but it's over. I hope you'll accept that and let it go. I should never have begun this but I did and now I have to end it. I came this last time just to be fair to you."

"Ah, come on Serena. There's no need to do this. We're just having fun. No one is getting hurt and they don't ever have to find out. Just come on back to me and let me make you feel good again."

"Bill, get serious. As a lover and I use that term loosely, you're pretty poor. I haven't had a climax with you since the very first time, and then it was only because it was exciting and dirty and dangerous. After that it was just dull, and I faked it. I have no idea why I continued with it. You're selfish and you don't even come close to satisfying me like John does. I don't mean to make you mad, but it's true."

"You bitch! You never said anything before this. You wanted me to fuck you and you loved me treating you like a slut! You loved the things I said to you and the names I called you. You ate it up. Don't tell me you weren't feeling anything. I can tell."

"I let you treat me like a slut because that's how I was acting. Like a cheap street whore. The only difference is that you got me for free. I let you treat me like that because that's how it felt being with you. You were getting off but I wasn't. The more you insulted me and the more names you called me, the worse I felt and that was what I wanted. I wanted to feel the shame and the humiliation for what I was doing. It was what I deserved! You can't understand but I love my husband more than life itself. He hurt me, but I now realize he didn't do it intentionally. He loves me and I know everything he did was for us. I did this to him with my eyes wide open and the shame of it is something I have to live with! But you aren't!"

"Damn you, Serena. Come here and I'll show you what it feels like for a real man to fuck you. John couldn't satisfy you and that's why you came to me. Don't deny it. You loved my cock inside you and you can't do without it."

"Goodbye Bill. You stay here and tell yourself that you believe all that crap but you really know better. Sally must be very disappointed with you if what you showed me is the best you can do. I feel sorry for her."

With that, I heard the door open and then shut. Then nothing, since the transmitter was voice activated, it shut off soon after she left the room. I checked the tape and found another hour or so but when I listened on fast forward, it was only the radio in the car and then some sounds as Serena mumbled to herself and then more later as she was unloading the car at home. She must have stopped at the store on her way home because I could hear the loudspeaker and then someone talking to her about the weather. What I had originally thought to be an hour and a half of Bill and Serena screwing in the hotel room was actually less than 30 minutes. The rest was nothing.

I reviewed what I had just heard. I think Serena wanted me to hear this because of what I said to her about quitting her affair. I told her that I had no idea whether she had any intention of quitting. This was her answer. I didn't know yet how I felt about what I heard. I would have to let it stew for a while.

I slept fitfully that night, hearing the words over and over in my head. I would hear Serena saying goodbye to Bill and hear Bill's anger and humiliation and I would smile, but then I would hear Serena telling Bill to fuck her hard and fast like a whore. It was like being lifted up to the peak and then falling down to certain death. I woke several times drenched in sweat. I finally gave up, went into the living room and turned on the TV. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch and woke sometime late the next morning, exhausted.

The next morning, I called Ben to set up another meeting with Serena. I told him this time to make it somewhere private so that we could talk openly and at length. I had enough of the public settings. He said he would talk to Serena and call me back.

After what seemed like hours, but in fact was only 45 minutes, Ben called to tell me Serena would be coming to my apartment just after lunch. She told him to tell me she was coming whether I wanted her to or not. When I replied in some anger that it wasn't her decision, he said he told her that too, and she said that I could just leave if I wanted to. She would know then that I didn't want to talk to her very badly and she wouldn't bother me again. That left it up to me. I would be there.

At 1:30, Serena knocked on my door. I sat there in my chair, suddenly very nervous and agitated. I wasn't at all sure what I was going to say or do. I wondered what she would do if I just didn't answer, and realized that I didn't want to know. I pulled myself together and went to the door.

I opened the door to see a very different Serena from the one at the restaurant. This Serena was pale, with red eyes and no makeup. This Serena was one I hadn't seen before. Gone was the calm and collected woman I remembered so well and the one that I spoke with four days ago. I was shocked at the difference in so short of a time. I noticed with a start that she still had on the necklace that I had given her the night of our anniversary party. That moved me for some reason.

"Hi, Serena, come in please." I held the door as, saying nothing, she moved past me into the open room that served as living room and dining room. The kitchen was open and separated only by a half wall with stools that served as a dinette. I had a bedroom and a bathroom and a pretty large closet. This was home.

Serena looked around without much interest and then went to the couch. She took off her coat and sat down in the very center, leaving no room for me. It was clear that she wanted me in the chair facing her and not beside her. After that cursory glance around the apartment, she looked down at her hands in her lap.

"Did you listen to the tape? Did you hear the answers to your questions? I knew you wouldn't believe me so I listened to all of that garbage until I found the part I knew was there somewhere."

Serena said all of this with a voice devoid of any emotion or feeling. It was as if she were doing something she felt was necessary but had no real interest in the details.

"Yes, I did. I never had the stomach to listen much past the first few minutes before. I just assumed the rest of the tape would be more of the same. As it was, it was still fairly painful."

"But you wanted to know, so now you know. Since you have no trust in me anymore, I knew I had to prove anything I say about that time." Same flat voice and same lack of emotion.

"I still can't for the life of me figure out why you did it in the first place. OK, so our sex life was in the tank, but I never thought you were so crazy about sex that you would go out looking for it with someone else. I never would have believed that of you."

Serena continued looking at her hands with that same dead look but smiled a little. Apparently I had said something funny to her. I didn't know what it was.

"Is something about that funny? Something I should know about? It seems that there is a lot about you that I didn't know."

I spoke with some anger. Her seeming lack of concern was beginning to piss me off. Why was she even here? What was the purpose of all of this?

"It isn't funny John. That's not what I was smiling about. I was just thinking of the same question myself. Why would I do what I did? It made no sense at the time and it makes no more sense now when I think back on it. It was so out of character that it's almost funny. And Bill: he was a joke and a pretty lousy one as well. If I was that crazy about sex as you put it, I would certainly have been disappointed after the very first time. So, it certainly wasn't the sex. That's for damn sure."

She just shook her head and continued to look down at her hands, clasped together in her lap. She had not moved or looked up since she sat down.

"Serena, look at me. I need you to start at the beginning and tell me what happened to us. I need to know what I did to drive you away and why you let me. I need to know how you were able to put aside the promises we made to each other. I need to understand. Please help me to understand what happened."

Serena briefly looked up at me and I could see the pain and the hopelessness in her eyes. I had never seen that before, even on the morning I walked out on her: panic, some hurt, but not this. I was taken aback for a moment and I felt a jolt of pain myself.

"If I do this, you have to let me do it my way. I'm not going to get into a shouting match with you and I don't want to answer questions until I have said all I need to say. If you can agree to that, I'll try to do as you ask."

"I agree. I'll try to keep my cool but I may get angry and break in. If I do, just wait till I calm down and then go on. OK?"

She just nodded and paused, collecting her thoughts before beginning.

"I began to see that my life was twisting out of control the day you saw Bill and I at the hotel. That was the first time we had been together when you were not traveling to Johnsonville. It was a break in our pattern; one that we had begun about 6 weeks before. We would meet at the hotel only on the Wednesdays that you left town and we had met 4 times before then. Bill was going to be gone the following Wednesday when you were traveling and he wanted to get together that day to make up for it. I have no idea why I agreed to that day."

Serena stopped and asked if I had any water to drink. I rose and went to the fridge to get her a bottle of Poland Springs. She took it without meeting my eyes. She drank a large swallow and it seemed as if she were trying to maintain her composure.

"The problem was that I realized that day at home that I had just had a "quickie" with a man that I really didn't like much and I had no idea of why I had done it. That may sound strange to you, but you have to understand that I had never really thought about what we were doing as cheating on you. It was simply something that I was doing to get back at you because of your ignoring me."

She must have seen me from the corner of her eye as this last statement agitated me, because she spoke without looking at me.

"Before you interrupt, you have to let me finish. You promised."

"You're right. I apologize. Go ahead."

"The first time with Bill was on the day after you and I had an argument about sex. You came home that night and I was feeling good and I was really in the mood to make love. I wanted you so bad but you were too tired. I remember we fought about it and you finally went into the spare room to sleep, telling me that I didn't understand how tired you were. I was left alone in bed without even your arms to comfort me and you didn't seem to care at all."

"You got up the next morning as usual and left for work, telling me that you would be home as soon as you could but that day was your planned trip to Johnsonville. I had forgotten all about it until then. There would be no sex that night either since you would be exhausted by the time you got home. So, I was hurt and angry at you and what I considered your lack of consideration for me or my feelings."

She stopped again while she took another long swallow of the water. She still seemed detached and almost bored with this story. Maybe she was but felt she owed me this much.

"Bill and I had been meeting for lunch every Wednesday after my class for the past 4 months or more. We just had lunch but neither of us told you or Sally. I don't know why. I continued to meet him because he was very complimentary about my figure and he seemed to enjoy my company. I needed that because you had stopped any kind of social activities when the FDA thing happened. We never went out and we never did anything other than talk to the boys from time to time and maybe see them on the weekends. Bill often said that he couldn't understand how you could ignore me the way you did and he always flattered me."

"Anyway, that was the first time he asked me to sleep with him and I agreed. It was exciting and dangerous and it seemed that I was getting even with you in some way. After the first time, I agreed to meet him again the next time you traveled. The second time was not as good as the first but that was because the novelty was gone. The second time was just cheating for no good reason. I thought later that it was like mutual masturbation except that I didn't succeed, nothing more. I had already punished you and there was nothing left to do that would make it different so I don't know why I continued after that but I did. I think I was just trying to 'get even' with you for what I believed you had done to me."