Serena and John: The Conclusion

"Whether you care or not, the sex was bland and Bill was not a very considerate lover, although that word doesn't describe what he was. Nothing we did had anything to do with love; it was just sex. He was crude and didn't have any control. He always wanted to do different things but I wouldn't. Then he got mad but when he did, I threatened to stop and he backed down. As you heard, that Wednesday was the last time for me and he didn't like it."

She paused one last time and looked directly into my eyes. She began to speak again but this time, she didn't look away. This was meant directly for me.

"I have no excuse for what I did other than my own self pity. I hurt you and I hurt Sally and I have no justification for any of it. I was wrong and I am so very sorry. I want to apologize to you now, and I have apologized several times to Sally although she has never responded. I don't blame her."

"John, I am sorry for what I did to you and to our sons. It was my fault and you did nothing to me that justified what I did. I betrayed my marriage vows and I gave away any right to a future with you. I know that and I accept it as the price I have to pay for what I did. I had hoped it could be different, but after our dinner the other night, I realized it was too late."

Serena looked away when she finished and I saw some color come back into her face. It must have cost her greatly to tell me what she did. She told me the truth; she admitted her guilt; she apologized to me and to Sally; and she had accepted the consequences for her actions. My return had allowed her to shed the weight of guilt she had been carrying since I left. I guess my return had done her more good than it had me.

But that was not true. I felt much better now than I had for some time. I now knew as much as possible about what had happened and I knew that in spite of what Serena had said, I bore some responsibility for what happened. Not directly, since Serena never came to me with her issues about our marriage or my behavior, but my behavior was a factor nevertheless. Still, I wanted to know more. I had to.

"Serena, why Bill Collins. Why did you do this with my best friend and the husband of your best friend? I don't understand that. Can you explain that?"

"Of course. That's easy, at least for me. Bill Collins was someone I knew well and someone I was not afraid of in any way. I had known him for a long time and I knew I could never feel love for him regardless of what we did together. He was just a tool that I used and one that was handy. Oh, he was fun sometimes at lunch and he was easy to be with since I didn't need to impress him. I never thought of Sally during this time. When I was with Bill and Sally, it was almost as if we had never done anything together. I saw Bill just as your friend and nothing more. I know that makes no sense, but you have to remember that nothing I did makes sense."

"I don't understand that. Bill and Sally were our closest friends and you and he had shared something together that Sally and I were unaware of. Didn't you enjoy the feeling of secrets shared with Bill? Didn't it give you a thrill to be with Bill when I was present?"

"No, not at all. I didn't have any feelings for Bill whatsoever. He was your friend, he was my lover but nothing more registered in my head. When I wasn't with Bill, I didn't think of him at all. I didn't look forward to the Wednesdays coming up and I never thought of Sally as other than my friend."

Serena was shaking her head as she spoke. I believe she was still trying to understand why she had acted as she did. I watched her face as she talked and listened to her words and I had the feeling that she was as surprised at what she was saying as I was.

As she sat there, I considered what she had told me so far. As funny as it sounds, I believed everything she had told me. Everything! I began to try to summarize all I had heard so far.

First, she loved me still. She never stopped even though she cheated. She didn't love Bill and had no particular feelings for him even now. I believed her when she said the sex was not very good and that Bill was a poor substitute for me. She was sorry for what she did to me and to Sally and she was struggling to understand the reasons for it. Finally, she had given up any hope of our reconciling or so she said.

I also knew that my sons had forgiven her for what she did even though they hated it. They sheltered her when I left her and they were there for her when I wasn't. That was not something to take pride in. I was the tough guy; the macho man that kicked the slutty cheating wife out without a word. After giving me 25 years of her life; years that were filled with challenges that we faced together; challenges that we survived together; and years that I cherished, I just walked away from her without giving her the chance to let me go with some dignity.

I got up and paced around the small room just to stop myself from screaming. I didn't know what to say or do. Serena had given me the whole thing and she was clearly prepared to let me go. She had promised once I heard her out, she would sign the divorce papers. I had them in my bedside drawer. What was I going to do now? I looked over at Serena still sitting with her head down and her hands clasped together in her lap. She looked more at peace now that when she arrived.

"Serena, I want to say something to you and I may make a mess of it so I would ask that you simply hear me out. OK?"

She looked up at me and said nothing for a minute. Finally, she nodded her head and looked back down. I went ahead.

"I don't know what I feel for you at this instant. I do know that I love you and never stopped loving you even when I left you. I was hurting very much the last several weeks we were together and I planned the anniversary party knowing what you were doing. I planned to deliver as much hurt as I could to you and Bill but decided at the last minute not to do it in front of our sons. That's why I waited until the next day."

"The evening of our anniversary dinner when I made love to you, my intent was to remind you of what we meant together and what we had shared. I also wanted in a small way to let you know what you would be missing by driving me away. That was the selfish part."

"The necklace wasn't a selfish gift, however. I wanted you to have that regardless of what happened. It was a gift of love and it still is. I see you are wearing it and that makes me glad."

I saw her reach up to finger the stones with a smile and it warmed me a little to see it.

"I think my leaving was a mistake that I regret. I should have given you the time to discuss what happened and to see if we could work out some way to separate as friends rather than do what I did. But I'm back now and I think we should continue to talk, if that's all right with you."

Serena looked up without expression and just pursed her lips together as though she was thinking. I found myself waiting tensely to see what she would say.

"That's fine with me if there is a reason for us to talk. I can't be just your friend John. We're either together or we're through. If we are through, I want to make it final and move on with my life. I told you I was willing to sign the divorce papers and I will because you've heard me out as I requested. But, I also told you I needed to make some plans to move forward and they can't wait."

Having said her piece, she watched me, waiting for my answer.

I was suddenly confused. Serena wanted to make a decision and move forward. I wasn't ready to do that. I realized with a start that I didn't want her to sign the divorce papers, but at the same time, I wasn't ready to forgive her. What the hell was I supposed to do now?

"Can you give me a day or so to think about all we've said today? It's a lot to digest and I'm very confused. You had a couple of months to decide what you were doing. I didn't have that luxury. If we could plan on dinner here tomorrow evening about 7:00? I'll fix something or more likely pick something up. If that's OK with you?"

Serena responded sarcastically, "Fine. I'll bring a bottle of wine to celebrate whatever it is you decide. How's that for fair?"

Without waiting for an answer, Serena rose, picked up her coat and walked to the door. She turned to look back at me with that same resigned expression on her face and said,

"Make a decision John. I made mine: I want to grow old with you. I know that what I did to you was terrible and totally unfair, but I apologized and I asked for your forgiveness. If you can give it to me, I would be eternally grateful and I would live my life trying to make it up to you, but if you can't forgive me, I can accept that and I will move forward with the life that will leave me. I can do no more than that. So, it is your decision to make now, and I will accept your decision."

With that, she walked out closing the door behind her.

I sat there for an hour or longer just thinking about what she had told me. Most of it was not new, but it was the first time I had heard it from her side. She had made no excuses and she had asked for nothing more than my forgiveness. She admitted her transgressions and she put her future in my hands with no conditions. It was up to me. I decided I needed someone else to talk to, someone who understood.

I called Sally, trying her old number just in case she was still at home. I hadn't heard from her since that night and I hadn't asked Serena about her. I listened as the phone rang and was slightly surprised to hear her voice.

"Hello? This is Sally."

"Sally, it is John Parsons. I'm sorry to be calling like this with no warning but I wasn't sure you would still be at home. I also wasn't sure you would want to talk to me after what I did to you that morning a couple of weeks ago."

"John! I am surprised to hear from you. Not to worry about what you did. It was time I found out what that son of a bitch husband of mine was up to. She wasn't the first, you know. I hired a PI and he found a lot of dirty laundry when he went looking. I've filed on the bastard and he is going to get ripped!"

"Anyway, I wasn't sure you were back in the states yet. Have you seen Serena? What can I do for you?"

"Well, I wondered if you would like to have a drink or even dinner with me just to talk. I could use someone to talk to since I no longer have a best friend. You know the one I used to have; the one that stabbed me in the back?"

"I know well who you mean. Sure, why don't you let me fix you dinner here at the house? Come by at about 6:30 and we'll eat a bite and talk. OK with you?"

"I'll be there and thanks Sally."

I had a pleasant evening with Sally and we discussed the good times as well as the bad. She filled me in on her divorce plans and what she had found out with the PI. I was amazed since I knew none of that. I assured Sally that it was news to me and she believed me. She surprised me by talking about a gentlemen friend that she knew and that she really liked. She said he was divorced and had two older kids. Now that she was almost free, she said that she was going to give him a run. She said she had always missed not having children. I was pleased for her and told her so. I finally told her of Serena's visit and our conversation. I asked her advice.

"Serena has called me several times and left voice messages on my phone. In each one, she apologizes for everything and tells me she would like to talk to me to explain her part but I never answer her. I don't know why. She can't hurt me any more and she is so alone now that you left her. I don't know what to say to her without getting angry all over again. I said some nasty things to her that morning and I remember every one of them."

"Yes, I apologize again for surprising you that way. I knew you had to have the facts but I could have done it better than that. It wasn't fair to you since you had done nothing wrong."

"I got over that real quick. But thanks for the thought. But what should you do? I can't tell you that John. I can only say that you and Serena were very happy for all but a couple of months shy of 25 years. That's a lot to time to throw away. I would have considered forgiving Bill if it had been just Serena, but it wasn't. He was unfaithful to me over 5 times with 5 different women. That's too much to forgive. He is gone from my life and good riddance."

"I know you're right about the 25 years and it keeps coming back to me that she was unhappy the last few months and part of that was my dedication to a job instead of our marriage. I know that's no excuse for committing adultery but still it's a factor that I am guilty of."

"I remember talking to her during that time. She knew you were working your ass to the bone and it bothered her to see you so tired all the time. She said she tried to talk to you and to try to help you physically, but you turned her away. That hurt her. I remember that now. She cried several times when we were together. I never told you about it at the time, but I did tell Bill, that son of a bitch. He used it, didn't he?"

"It seems he did. That's another strike against him. But I wasn't aware of what I was doing to her then. I only knew what I was going through and I thought that if I could just pull this off, I could retire and make everything all right again. Too little, too late."

"Well, I don't know John but I think you should really consider what you want. Do you really want to throw away those 25 years that produced two wonderful sons, or do you want to work like hell, just as you did for that shitty job, but on your marriage instead?"

"You're right. I need to really think about the good as well as the bad. For the past 3 or 4 months, the bad is all that I concentrated on. Now it's time to weigh both."

I thanked Sally for the dinner and the advice and took my leave. I went back to the apartment with a lot of things to think about. When I went in, I saw the message light blinking and saw two messages waiting. I played the first. It was from Ben, asking about the meeting with Serena and what was I going to do. He wanted me to call this evening.

The second was from Michael, the message being almost the same. It seems my sons were just as anxious as I was for some decision to be made. I smiled, thinking of how much I loved my sons and how much they loved their mother and me. Serena and I did something right with them. They were a legacy to be proud of.

As I thought of my sons, I remembered Serena raising them for the most part. She stayed home with them until they were school age. She took care of them and kept them safe and healthy. They were both well adjusted and had no problems entering school. They were popular and did well. Their teachers praised them and their grads were outstanding. Serena had done that.

I also remembered her insisting on going back to work as a part time nurse. She had kept her license active and wanted to help to earn money for their college tuition. At the time, I was just beginning to make a name for myself and my salary was beginning to give us a few bucks extra to save, but certainly not enough to fund a major college. She went to work and every dime she made went into direct deposit in the account we set up for their tuition. She would not consider any thing else.

This was the woman I had married and had shared a life with for almost a quarter of a century. This was the woman who made one mistake and hurt me so badly. This was the woman who said she was sorry and wanted only to make it right. She was willing to give up everything and sign the divorce papers, taking nothing for herself.

I fell asleep that night thinking about all of this. I slept until almost 10:00 the next morning, but I awoke feeling very calm. The night had allowed my mind to find the answer it wanted. It was time to make a decision and to get on with my life. I found myself whistling as I fixed my first cup of instant coffee.

I showered and dressed and went into Princeton to the plaza for lunch. I took my cell phone and made some calls. Over a peach cobbler with heavy cream, I set up a meeting with Ben and Michael at my place for 7:00 that evening. I told Ben and Mike to bring their wives as well but not to tell Serena. I told them I needed to talk to them before I made a final decision. Serena was already coming so I just called to remind her, and to ask her not to tell Ben or Carrie. I told her that we needed the time alone to talk some more. She agreed.

Just before 7:00 that evening, the dinner I had asked to be delivered came and the delivery girl helped me set up the table. I tipped her well and she left happy, and the table looked great. It was set for six people and the room was quite crowded but workable. I slipped on my blazer and sat down, ready for the evening.

When the doorbell rang, I rose to open it. Standing there were Ben, Carrie and Serena. Serena looked puzzled, as did Ben and Carrie. I let them in and offered Ben a beer. I told them to take a seat and I would get some drinks. Ben followed me into the kitchen with questions. I listened but wouldn't answer him. He was insistent but I was just as firm.

When the bell rang again, I stuck my head out of the kitchen and asked Carrie or Serena to get the door. It was Michael and Julie, of course. They came in, looking around and had the same questions that the others had. I came out of the kitchen, followed by Ben carrying a tray with glasses for wine or beer. Despite the questions and protests, I continued to take drink orders and see that everyone was taken care of. I noticed that Serena and Carrie had taken nothing, while Ben and Mike took beers. Julie had a glass of wine.

"Please, I want all of you to just be patient with me. This evening is very important to Serena and me. We have decisions to make that will affect all of you and I wanted you here as we decide our future. I don't know whether you will be happy with our choices but they are ours to make."

I looked at the expectant faces, particularly Serena's. She was watching me but I saw no excitement on her face. I saw only the same resigned, desperate look that she had most of yesterday when we talked. It suddenly occurred to me that she expected that I was going to humiliate her again as I had 4 weeks ago at our anniversary dinner.

"Now, I went to a lot of trouble putting this dinner on the table so I would appreciate it if we could all eat dinner as a family, at least for this evening. Family is important and we will always be a family, regardless of where we go. Distance is never a reason not to remember that. So, please eat."

I sat down and started handing food around the table. In spite of their misgivings, dinner was served. Everyone ate in relative silence, conversation being polite and rather restrained. I tried to enjoy the meal myself but found myself watching Serena, setting next to Julie and Michael. Julie seemed to be trying to make Serena laugh but was having little success. It was a very uncomfortable 30 minutes and no one seemed to want to drag the meal out.

I decided to end this charade. I had everything worked out ahead of time, just as I had exactly 4 weeks ago tonight. I stood up with my glass of wine and looked at my family. As before, I was proud of my boys and their wives and Serena was beautiful as always, in spite of her expression and the circles under her eyes.

"In case none of you noticed, we were doing this same thing exactly 4 weeks ago tonight. It was our Silver Anniversary dinner and we were celebrating 25 years of marriage. There are a few people not here, but you are my family and are the only ones important to me. Thank you for coming and tolerating my theatrics."

"I made a toast to friends and family then that I won't repeat. Some of our friends are no longer with us and are no longer welcome. My boys and their wives are here and are most welcome in my home anytime."