Settling Accounts Ch. 02

PART FIVE: DINNER FOR THREE

Parents' Weekend happened the last weekend in October. Matt had e-mailed Jon that he would be flying in from North Carolina late Friday night and going straight to a motel in town. Events for parents and their student children were planned all day on Saturday, but Matt thought they could go out to dinner along with David on Saturday night. So far, he hadn't mentioned the two of them spending any time by themselves.

Jon arranged to meet Matthew and David at his office at around six o'clock Saturday evening. He got there early and left the door ajar. After trying to read for a few minutes he gave up, getting up and pacing, then looking out the window. His heart was racing with excitement and nerves. What would Matthew look like after so many years? How would Jon look to him? Would they have anything to say to one another? Perhaps they would have turned into strangers.

He heard a polite tap at his door.

"Jon?" Matthew asked, smiling tentatively.

The man Jon had known and loved he remembered mostly in casual clothes: jeans, khakis and colorful shirts. The man who stood before him was dressed carefully in a dark suit and subdued but elegant necktie, everything in place and crisply pressed, the shoes polished, the collar straight. The man Jon had known had been clean-shaven. This man had a mustache. The hair was the same light brown though, a bit thinner perhaps; the eyes the same blue, the dimples the same.

Jon had wondered how he would react when he first saw him, whether he would embrace him, shake his hand, or simply wait. He was saved the trouble of deciding as Matt stepped forward and hugged him, hard, clapping him on the back. "Jon, it's so good to see you," he heard him say.

Jon returned the embrace. "Good to see you too."

"How long has it been?"

"Thirteen years." Matt's hair did have a few gray strands, now that he was looking more closely. His friend's face also had a few more lines. No doubt he had aged too.

"I'd never know it from looking at you."

Jon snorted, but was pleased. "That's not true, but thanks."

"No, I mean it. You look great. How do you keep in shape?"

"You're looking good too, Matt. Damn elegant, actually. Makes me feel kind of rumpled."

"You're fine. I kind of have to dress like this now. It's more work, I can tell you that."

"How was your trip?"

They continued to make desultory conversation as they waited for David to arrive. Jon began to relax a bit. Matthew seemed the same sociable, open person he had met long ago. As yet much remained unrevealed about what had happened during their years apart, but Jon found himself looking forward to what their evening might bring. Once or twice he thought he detected a faint, questioning look in Matt's otherwise cheerful eyes--perhaps he was wondering too.

They heard footsteps around the corner. "Ah, here he comes."

"Hey, Dad. You found the office. So, Dr. Evans, has he changed a lot?"

"Beyond recognition," Jon smiled.

"For the better, I hope," Matt said in mock annoyance.

"Actually, I'm joking, David. Your dad's the same guy I used to know." Jon saw that his meaning was not lost on Matt, but David said, "Well, I guess that's good. Where are we eating, Dad? You're the one who's treating, right?" he grinned.

"Well, I guess that's settled," Matt said dryly. "Where would you like to eat, son?"

"Hmm," David said, "Since I'm not paying--I've heard good things about San Cristobal down in Austin."

Jon whistled. "Mr. Mulroy, your son has just chosen the most elegant and expensive Mexican restaurant in Central Texas."

"Sounds good to me," Matt winked. "You know how to get there, Jon?"

The restaurant was crowded, the food delicious. Jon wished he could talk more freely to Matt, but David's presence prevented total candor. The boy seemed rather shy at the moment, but that could just be the strain of going out to dinner with both his father and professor.

"So, Jon, what's the scoop on my son? Is he going to flunk out?"

"Oh, Dad," David said.

"Actually, David's doing well in my class," Jon said. "He's one of the students I enjoy."

"That's good. Means he's not taking after his father," Matt chuckled.

"Yes, I remember you telling me that," Jon said, and suddenly had an image of where that conversation had taken place--in a hotel room where he and Matthew had hidden away for a rare weekend together, making passionate love.

Tearing himself with an effort away from the memory, he asked David, "So how does it feel, coming back to Texas?"

"Well, to tell the truth, I don't remember much about it," David said. "I was only five when we moved away."

"He was the one who was looking forward to going back to North Carolina," Matt said. "He knew his grandparents would be thrilled to see him. They just thought he was the cutest thing. He was, actually."

"So--how's everyone's dinner?" David asked, pointedly.

"Okay, son," Matt laughed, "I'll take the hint."

"Actually, Matt," Jon said, "I'd love to hear more about what you've been up to since you left Austin."

Matt sighed. "I'm not really into blowing my own horn. But okay."

He had continued to rise through the ranks of his company after moving to North Carolina, being promoted to positions of increasing responsibility. A few years ago, he had started his own software development business. Despite Matt's modesty Jon deduced that this had proved to be a tremendous success.

"Not bad for a guy with a C average in college," David said, listening to a tale he had obviously heard before.

Matt sighed with mock exasperation. "You see what a hard time my kids give me? He says that every time I get on him about keeping his grades up."

"Matt, I really am impressed. You've done well for yourself. And raised a fine son, too. You and David's mom should be proud."

He saw the sudden shadow pass over David and Matthew's faces.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, not really, Jon. You couldn't have known. Christine passed away a few years ago."

"He doesn't know about Mom, Dad?" David asked, puzzled. "I thought you two were old friends."

"Well, we really have been out of touch a while, David," Matthew said. He looked genuinely pained and Jon regretted his remark.

"I'm really sorry to hear that, and I'm sorry to have brought it up, Matt," he said.

Matthew smiled, suddenly looking tired. "Not your fault, Jon."

They continued to chat over dessert but a slight pall had fallen over the evening. When the waiter came back with Matt's credit card, he signed the slip immediately. "We'd better get this hard-working, studious fellow back to his dorm," he said, rising from the table.

Jon drove David and Matt back to the campus. They stopped in front of David's freshman dormitory. David said, "Thanks for the ride, Dr. Evans. Bye, Dad. Have a good trip tomorrow," opened his car door, and jumped from the car.

"Hey, hold on a minute," Matt protested, and getting out himself, followed David toward the front doors. Watching them go, Jon was once again struck by how much they resembled one another. Matthew and his son paused and talked briefly in front of the dorm lobby. David hugged his father and disappeared inside.

Matt came walking back to the car and got back inside. "Can you believe that boy of mine?" he laughed. "I'm not going to see him until Christmas, and that was all the goodbye I was going to get."

"He hugged you," Jon said. "That was nice."

"Yeah, he really is a sweet kid. I sure do miss having him around. I'm all alone now. Jill, my daughter, got married right out of college. She and her husband live near Philly."

"You're not going to see him tomorrow?" Jon asked.

"Well, I have an early flight. I told David I'd take a cab or limo to the airport. He offered to join me for breakfast at the motel, but... we've been with each other all day. He'll survive."

"Maybe I ought to take you back now, if you need to get an early start," Jon said.

"No way in hell," Matt smiled, putting his hand on Jon's shoulder. "I came fifteen hundred miles to see you. You aren't getting away that easy."

Jon was filled with a pleasant warmth at Matt's touch. This was exactly what he had hoped for. "So what do you suggest we do?"

"Well, do I get to see where you live?" Matt asked.

"No sooner said than done," Jon replied.

PART SIX: SETTLING ACCOUNTS

They entered Jon's dark and silent house. "Nice place," Matt said, as Jon flipped the light on.

Jon shrugged. "I'm sure it's not as nice as what you have. But I like it. And it has a pool."

Matt was looking at a framed picture of Kevin hanging in the front hallway. "A student of yours?"

"Yes." Something in his tone must have alerted Matt, who said, "Is there more to this story?"

"Well, yes," Jon admitted. "I'll tell you after a few drinks, maybe."

Matt raised his eyebrows, but said only, "I see."

Jon got some ice and water from the kitchen and mixed Scotch and waters for the two of them in the living room. Matt slipped off his suit jacket and laid it next to him as they settled side by side on the couch. It seemed natural for Jon to put his arm around Matt, and for Matt to lean comfortably on Jon's shoulder. They sat in companionable silence for several moments, sipping their drinks.

Matt said finally, "You know, I was really nervous about seeing you today."

Jon chuckled, "You and me both, buddy."

"I was shaking like a leaf walking down the hall toward your office. I thought, what if it turns out we have nothing to say to each other? What if I've changed so much he doesn't like me any more?"

"Well, you have changed some," Jon said, stroking Matt's hair, "But I still like you."

Matt looked Jon in the eye and smiled. "That's a load off my mind."

They continued to gaze at one another. Just as Jon felt some other emotion, long dormant, begin to flow between them, Matt broke the contact and took a hasty swallow from his glass.

"So tell me about the young man in the hallway," he said.

Jon sighed as his mixed emotions came to the surface. "Kevin? Where do I start?" he said. "Kevin is a former student of mine. He came to dinner on graduation night last May and--stayed all summer. He's in graduate school at Berkeley now, in a great program."

"One of many beautiful young men in your life?"

Disappointed by Matt's abrupt withdrawal, Jon felt unaccountably irritated by his remark. "Actually, I've always had a strict hands-off policy concerning Steelman students. So you don't have to worry about David."

Matt drew away. "That's not what I meant at all, Jon."

"Sorry, that was out of line," Jon said, trying to mollify him. "Guess you poked me where it still hurts. You have to understand, Kevin knew damn well what he wanted when he came here. As well as you knew what you wanted when you started talking to me online so long ago."

"Touche," Matt smiled.

"He's a smart and courageous kid, and he has his whole life in front of him. He would have stayed if I'd asked him. But I wasn't going to let him throw it all away for me."

"But you miss him."

"I do," Jon said simply. "As much I missed you after you left."

"Oh, Jon," Matt sighed heavily, holding his drink with both hands and looking down into his glass, "Would it help you to know that those months we had together were the last time I was truly happy?"

"I know you've had some rough times. You told me about your wife."

Matt's laugh was short and bitter. "You don't know the half of it. Do you really want to hear the rest? It's not pretty."

"Actually, I would."

"Okay. This isn't going to be easy. You're the first one to hear the whole story." Matt took another swallow of Scotch.

"After I left you for the last time, thirteen years ago," he began, "I was a basket case for weeks. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, could hardly work. I told Christine I missed Austin a lot more than I thought I was going to. She bought that, somehow.

"For years I didn't even try to meet any other guys. I knew I could never find anyone else like you. But finally, I guess the old urges came back, and I started chatting online and meeting people, the same way I met you. But I was real careful this time to keep things real impersonal, just pure sex. Most of the guys I fooled around with wanted the same thing, so it was easy. But finally I made a mistake."

"What happened?"

"I hooked up with a guy who worked in my company," Matt said. "I think I told you I did that once before. Only this guy was single. I'd been doing one-night stands but with him I went back for more. He was pretty hot, I have to say--taught me some things you hadn't." He grinned briefly. "But he also turned out to be a nutcase, very jealous and possessive. After a few months I'd had enough. Tried to break it off. He went to Christine."

"Oh, shit."

"It was a while before I found all of this out. Chris listened to him, then told him if he didn't stop harassing us, she'd call the police and our boss and have him fired, as well as arrested for stalking. But she'd heard enough that she started going through my computer. She found e-mails I'd stupidly saved, pictures, the works."

"And she confronted you?"

"That was the damndest thing, Jon." Matt's voice became unsteady. "She didn't say anything about it, not to me, not to anyone--just kept it all inside. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was. Greg had stopped bothering me--I thought he had given up. I thought I was home free."

"Then one night, I heard a noise and woke up. Chris wasn't in the bed. I went out in the hall and found her collapsed in agony on the floor. I took her to the ER--they did emergency surgery. It turned out to be cancer."

"Jesus." Jon's glass sat forgotten on the coffee table.

"It was while she was in the hospital afterward that I found out what she knew," Matt said. "Knocked me totally for a loop, of course. Even now I can hear her voice, how flat and distant it was as she told me everything that happened." He drained his Scotch and set the glass down on the coffee table.

"Why didn't she tell you before?"

"She said--she said she was embarrassed and humiliated at what she'd found. She couldn't bring herself to talk about it with any one, especially not me. And she said she felt guilty about going through my private stuff, she'd wished she'd never done it. She was the one who felt guilty--pretty funny, huh?

"Chris told me that she'd suspected I was gay for years. As long as she didn't have any real evidence, she'd more or less just hoped it wasn't true. She thought about the kids, our whole life together. She didn't want to wreck it. You were right, Jon. Do you remember we talked about this?"

Jon nodded.

"I cried, promised never to do it again, said I'd do anything if only she'd forgive me. All she said was,'Don't let the children know about any of this.' She wouldn't look at me.

"The next two years were pure hell. I took Chris back and forth from the hospital for radiation and chemo, tried to reassure the kids, run the house, go to work. All the time knowing I was taking care of someone who despised me, who had every right to do so.

Tears began to trickle down Matt's cheeks. "She got worse and worse. Gradually we realized there was no hope. One day, a few weeks before she died, I'd taken her out to the garden. By then she was in a wheelchair and on morphine round the clock. Of course she slept a lot. I was sitting beside her, when she woke up and said my name. All of a sudden she reached out her hand. I hadn't slept with her or touched her except to take care of her since all of this had started. I took it in my own and then she... she..."

He managed to regain control. "She apologized, she said, 'I've been so cold and hateful to you these past months. I don't want you to remember me like that.' I stuttered something about her having a right to be angry, and she said, 'I've done a lot of thinking. I know you couldn't help what you did, and that you loved me as much as you could.' She asked me to take good care of the kids."

Jon took Matt in his arms and held him tightly as he sobbed on his shoulder. He felt tears on his own face. Finally Matt let go, fished in his jacket pocket, took out a handkerchief and wiped his eyes and face. He stared silently at the floor, his elbows on his knees. Jon rubbed his back, bowed with sorrow.

Matt looked up and smiled, still shaky. "That was even worse than I thought it was going to be."

"Matt," Jon said, brushing away his own tears, "If I say something, will you promise to think about it?"

"What?"

"You've got to stop torturing yourself."

"Easier said than done, buddy."

"Your wife was a fine person, and she forgave you. Now forgive yourself." He took Matt's face in both hands and wiped away the remaining tears with his thumbs. "I remember something else I told you long ago that I still think is true. Being loved has nothing to do with whether you deserve it. Your wife loved you. Your children love you. I love you."

"Do you--still?" Matt asked, grasping Jon's wrists.

In answer, Jon kissed him, tasting his tears. He felt Matt's own mouth and body responding to his wordless message.

"Stay with me tonight," Jon said urgently, when they released each other.

Matt nodded.

In the bedroom Jon unbuttoned Matthew's shirt. Matt said with an embarrassed smile, "I've gained some weight."

"What, five pounds? Who gives a shit," Jon said, as he brushed Matt's bare shoulder with his lips.

"It's just that you do look absolutely great," Matt said, lightly brushing Jon's nipples with his thumbs, causing him to shiver.

"Well, having Kevin around kept me motivated," Jon admitted, as he began to back Matt toward the bed. "But you look fine to me. Just fine," he said, as he gently pushed him onto his back, pinning his arms down as he began to kiss him.

Soon they were both naked, grappling and twisting frantically like two men drowning, trying to save each other. They continued to kiss, their lips and tongues meeting, nibbling, licking and sucking as if they could never be satisfied.

Matt whispered to Jon, "Let me suck you." Jon felt his organ engulfed in warm moist pleasure. He lifted his head and closed his eyes as Matt slid back and forth on his shaft. Dimly Jon thought, he's gotten really good at this, as his friend took him effortlessly down to the very root, not even gagging when Jon pushed his face into his pubes and began to thrust with his pelvis, fucking his face. He felt himself approaching orgasm and withdrew, not wanting it to end just yet.

He looked down at Matt's face, slick with saliva that had leaked out of the corners of his mouth, his eyes tearing from the strain of having Jon's penis stuffed down his throat. "Nice work, cocksucker," Jon said, grinning. "Now it's my turn."

He got off the bed onto the floor, pulling Matt by the legs after him. He knelt and took Matt's cock into his mouth, pushing his tongue deep into the piss slit, lapping up the salty fluid leaking from the opening. He lifted Matt's legs into the air, making straight for the asshole with his tongue. Matt began to groan quietly as Jon rimmed him. Soon he was whimpering helplessly as Jon's entire mouth kissed his hole, his lips forming a tight seal as he continued to thrust his tongue into the opening.

"Fuck me Jon," he said.

Jon released his hold on Matt's thighs and reached into the nightstand, taking out the necessary equipment. He got the rubber on and squeezed out a handful of lube, applying it slowly to his erection as Matt watched his every move. He took the rest and began to apply the lubricant slowly to the cleft between Matt's butt cheeks, occasionally letting a finger slip inside the hole.

"Hurry," Matt said.

Jon shook his head, smiling. "I'm enjoying the view too much."

"Aw, please, Jon," Matt pleaded. "Give it to me now, buddy."