Sex & Sexuality

I'm so confused at the moment. I think I'm gay, oh wait could I be bi? Or am I a lesbian? I have all these mixed emotions and I don't know what to do. Does this sound familiar? Then read on

$2 peep shows.

I was thinking about this the other day, don't ask me as to why I was thinking about it, maybe my sex deprived life caused my mind to wander, plus I had $2 in my wallet unspent, and I came up with a theory. So here it is.

$2 peep shows are like the dark side of heterosexual sexuality, or sexuality in general. In my view they are the path that leads to enlightenment. Some may have confucious, others may have Buddhism, others may simply have god, not I though, I have sex.

The concept is quite simple, put $2 in a coin operated booth and the curtains withdraw to display what would probably be the most ugliest looking woman naked (Most of the time they look like your mother or related relative) doing everything that your mother has warned you about. (the kinda stuff that makes your eyeballs burn in their sockets) Sensuality? Eroticism? Big breasted blonde bimbo's? Pfft all of that is thrown out the window as soon as you drop that coin and those curtains disappear. What you get is a vision of sex; raw, sleazy, disgusting, real. In my opinion, by watching a $2 peep show you can find out a lot about your sexuality. Why pay hundreds of dollars going to therapy classes and hundreds of missed out opportunities to find out who you really are, embarrassing yourself time and time again. In those 30 odd seconds (60 seconds if you are unlucky or lucky depending how psychiatrically unstable you are) you can determine if you are gay, Bi, straight or lesbian.

Let me explain:

If you are male (as are the majority users) and after the 30 seconds you can walk out of the booth with your stomach still intact and still go out in search of a woman to get jiggy with then you are most probably straight. If you vomit in the booth and can still get up to go out and pick up some females then you are probably straight as well. Straight men have iron stomachs, but we must allow for some slightly weaker straight men. (or SNAGS/Metrosexuals as they call themselves these days)

If you are male and walk out feeling dirty/violated and go home voraciously scrubbing yourself until you look like an overcooked lobster and can never look at a woman in a sexual way nor look your own mother in the eye again, then perhaps you should look into homosexual relationships. Because you are gay.

If you are male and you walk out and the next time you have sex with a woman you get images of the overweight woman masturbating with a carrot then you are probably bi. Being able to get anything up after watching an event like that may be because you are straight BUT having re-occurring nightmares when having sex may be a guilt trip on your behalf, leading to being gay. At the moment you are bi, on the picket fence of sexuality but leaning towards the homosexual side. (The picket fence is sending pleasurable sensations up your backside too)

If you are female and retch in the booth running out screaming with your hands covering your eye's which feel like they are burning from the images you have just seen then you are straight.

If you are female and are able to last the full 30 seconds, and walk out feeling ok then perhaps you are bisexual. Or you have too much testosterone. Or you're a nurse. (It's all the same really)

If you are female and put another $2 in the slot for purposes other than laugh out loud entertainment then perhaps you are lesbian. Because watching a middle aged woman masturbating so voraciously that you think she is going to start a tinder fire within herself is perhaps the most accurate description of what a true butch lesbian looks like. And being able to watch somebody do that for another 30 seconds without the bile rising up at the back of your throat prepares you for what a lesbian encounter will realistically be like.

If you are a guy and have a boner at the end of the thirty seconds then you should seek psychiatric help. Fast. If you put another $2 in then perhaps you would be better suited to pay for sex.

I never said that it was going to be pretty. It's the kind of method where you throw somebody into the deep end of the pool and see if they float. But at least its cheaper than enrolling into a new religion like Buddhism so you can learn about the path to enlightenment. The path to enlightenment is easy and sleazy. (and only takes up 30 seconds of your time) Just look for the giant neon signs saying "$2 Live Peep shows" You wont regret it.