Sex Education Ch. 04

Instead of starting a new magazine, Jocelyn decided to buy a second tier mag and turn it around. Within five years, her book was as influential as Vogue. She always had the newest and hottest model on her covers. She snagged exclusive interviews with designers and previewed major new lines before any of her rivals; her main one being the "not-so-nice" editor. In one Vanity Fair interview, Jocelyn tried to downplay the rivalry. But when pushed, she simply said she always looks both ways when crossing Seventh Avenue.

Mac seemed to recall that her husband, an Italian industrialist from a prominent and rich family, had died some years ago. From Chrissy's story at the dance, I understood that her mom had remarried.

"Well, any mom of Chrissy's" I say, "is a friend of mine."

Jocelyn laughs and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"Now, I understand why the girls are all so gaga about you, Mac. You're handsome and charming."

"Shucks, ma'am, tain't nothing."

We all share a laugh and take our seats. We enjoy wine, pate, brie and conversation. Dinner is casual and soon it's almost nine o'clock. Jocelyn and Chrissy excuse themselves to head to bed.

Ruthann and I clean the kitchen, while Dede heads to her studio.

"Had a good vacation," I ask.

"Fab," she says. "Aruba was nice. Great weather, beautiful beaches and warm water. The only drawback was that the resort where we stayed didn't allow topless sunbathing."

She looks for a reaction.

I smile and say, "Probably just as well. You wouldn't want to burn them."

"No," she replies, "but if I did, I could have always asked you to put lotion on them."

A shock runs through my body. I do not want to start flirting with this nineteen year-old virgin.

I'm saved by Dede returning.

"Thanks for cleaning up," she says. "Honey, can Mac and I have some private time?"

"Private time like the last time?" she asks with a bit of an edge.

"Not really your business, darling. But, for now it's private time here in front of the fire, so we can talk."

Ruthann pouts, then brakes into a wide grin. She hugs me and gives her mother a kiss.

"'Night," she calls as she heads upstairs.

"Drink?" Dede asks.

I decline. Dede takes a seat in a chair and I sit across from her, the large coffee table between us.

"Mac, I am happy to see you. I thought about you quite a bit over these last weeks. As you might have gathered, you came up in conversation more than a little while we were on our break."

"I'm happy to see you, too," I say. "It was not my best Christmas."

"I know, Mac, and I'm sorry. Mim told me she was leaving and that she was planning to write you."

"Very considerate of her," I say with more than a little sarcasm.

"Mac, I can understand your feelings, but there's a lot involved in why Mim had to leave. She asked me to tell you her story and answer your questions, if you want me to."

"Actually, I do. And, I think I'll take that drink now."

Dede pours two brandies and hands me one. She sits next to me on the couch and turns toward me, pulling one leg underneath her.

"I'm not sure how to go about this, Mac, so I think I'll just plunge in."

I nod.

"Mim has gone back to Scotland to see her husband."

I'm not sure what to expect, but it is not this. The room seems to tilt and twirl. My mind slows to a crawl. I am literally speechless. The word "husband" ricochets around my brain.

"I know that is a shock and a surprise. Mac, Mim received word that James is in the hospital and in serious condition. She needed to be with him."

"Husband?" I finally manage to say. "For how long?"

"Mim and James were married almost six years ago. Mim had finished university and was teaching in Edinburgh. James was an old family friend and they reconnected by accident. They enjoyed the same things and fell into dating. James can be quite the romantic and swept her off her feet. Within the year, he convinced her to marry him."

I get up and pour another brandy for myself. I fuss with the fire and add a couple logs. I'm still trying to grasp what Dede is telling me.

"Mac, James is indeed a romantic. He is also bi-polar, and, as Mim was to find out, rather conflicted sexually."

"And, Mim didn't know any of this before they married?" I ask.

"No," says Dede. "In many ways, Mim is sophisticated. In affairs of the heart, I fear she was decidedly innocent. When I say that James swept her off her feet, I truly believe that she became caught up in the romanticism and his courtship. She was blind to everything but being in love. And, having someone in love with her.

"I've come to learn all this from Mim and from her sister and her parents. I've met them on several occasions and we have developed a strong bond. They shared their perspective because they felt I could be a friend in need to Mim. As it turns out, I have come to love her deeply and hope I have been some measure of support."

"But, what happened to their marriage and why is he in the hospital? Hell, why has she been living here in the first place?" I ask. "I can't believe she is married. God, I feel like an idiot."

"Mac, Mim said I could be totally frank with you, so I will. She feared you would hate her for not being forthright with you. It's not my place to defend her, but I know she does care about you and is concerned she has probably hurt you."

I sip the brandy and feel the burn in my throat.

"At first, with James, it was all love and romance. As you might imagine, being in her early twenties, Mim was a bit naïve. She had some sexual experience, but not much. She certainly had not been in love before. It was not too long after they were married that James began to introduce some adventure into their love-making that you and I might say borders on kinky."

I ask the question with my eyes.

"Well, James is slightly built. He and Mim are just about the same size. He is blond and fair like her. One night, as Mim as told me, they were playing around in bed. James picked up Mim's underwear that she had discarded and put on her panties. They both laughed as he pranced around in them. He then pulled on her bra. Mim thought it was a bit strange, but, again, she imagined that this is how married sex is. Each person could be free to do silly things.

"Mim thought nothing of it until a week or so later as they were kissing and initiating foreplay, James ran into the bedroom. He emerged in a few minutes again wearing Mim's underwear. This time he added some lipstick and mascara. Mim was shocked, but James was really excited. They made love. Mim hoped it was just a joke. The next day as they were dressing to go to work, Mim noticed that James was wearing a pair of her panties. She called him on it and he said he wanted her to be close to him all day so he was wearing something of hers.

"This pattern continued for a while. Soon, James would wear her panties and bra around the house all the time. Mim began to be concerned. They talked about it and James more or less told her she was being a prude. He said she needed to loosen up and enjoy different things. Mim tried to understand, but still felt something was off. Finally, she convinced James to stop wearing her underwear.

"It was then that he had a depressive episode; the first one Mim had seen. He moped about the house, refused to go to work, drank during the day, and generally was a prick to her. When she tried to talk to him, he shut her out. She kept trying and James admitted that she was taking all the fun out of their sex lives. Mim wanted desperately to please him and return to normal, so she relented and said he could wear whatever he wanted."

I can offer nothing to the conversation and sit quietly while Dede talks.

"James celebrated by going out and buying a new lingerie wardrobe. He said they could share, but he mostly kept the pieces for himself. Not long after, he asked if, as a joke, they could go out together and he would be completely dressed as a woman. Mim hesitated, but then remembered how depressed he was the last time she demurred. James wore a skirt and blouse of Mim's, over his lingerie. He produced a blond wig. After doing his makeup, and having shaved his legs, underarms and light beard, he looked like a woman. He insisted that Mim take his picture. I've seen it and he looks like an attractive woman. Looks like he could be Mim's twin.

"They went out of town to a restaurant. James was excited all night as he played the role of a woman. Mim felt now he had it out of his system. But, James wanted more. He wanted to dress as a woman every time they went out. Mim was terrified that they would run into her family or friends, so she insisted they not be seen in Edinburgh. As James became more engrossed in cross-dressing, he became less interested in sex with Mim.

"She begged him to go to counseling with her. He refused until she threatened to leave him if he didn't. They saw a counselor both as a couple and then individually. After a number of sessions, the counselor asked to see Mim privately. He told her that James had authorized him to speak to her. James was having a major identity crisis. He was more and more identifying himself as a woman. He didn't want to hurt Mim, but he also wanted less and less to live life as a man."

I finish my brandy and pour another portion. I sit back on the couch trying to reconcile what I am hearing with the woman I know.

Dede pats my knee and continues.

"It was not long after that when Mim confronted James. He told her everything. He had always felt more like a woman, but fought it. He married her hoping that someone as beautiful and kind as Mim would help him overcome these feelings. It was not working. James declared that he wanted to try to live as a woman. If he could do so, he then wanted to have an operation to complete his transformation.

"Mim was devastated. She asked for a divorce, but James fell to pieces. He claimed he needed her support and wanted her to remain his wife. Mim didn't understand, but relented on the divorce. She gave him a year to work out what he really wanted.

"After the year, James was still living in both male and female worlds. He begged her for more time. She needed to get away. She found the opening at Barton Hills and moved here. James stayed in Scotland. One year became two, then three. She was frustrated, but gave her word to James. Mac, you may have seen that Mim is one of the most ethical and principled people there is. She said she would not divorce James and to her that meant she was still married. Married women do not fool around. So, this beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, caring and passionate woman began to live a sexless life. A couple times she did date someone, but was so racked with guilt and feelings of betrayal that she swore she'd never do it again."

"What happened now to change everything?" I ask.

"James had decided to go ahead with the operation. He was taking the hormones and drugs that are required. I don't know if it was the drugs that clouded his judgment. It seems James was experiencing weight loss and fatigue, but ignored the symptoms. He finally went to the doctor. Sadly, they discovered he has advanced leukemia. He just received the diagnosis the day before Christmas and called Mim. She felt she had to be with him. She has since called me and it seems that the prognosis is not good. His disease is progressing rapidly. Mim expects he has one or two months to live. He obviously cannot have his operation and is dealing with a deep depression. Mim is caring for him, along with his family."

I sit quietly trying to absorb everything Dede has told me. I think about Mim trying to juggle all this. I mentally kick myself for only focusing on my petty desires. I decide I should go to her immediately and tell this to Dede.

"You can't do that, Mac," she says.

"Why? She could probably use someone to be with her," I say.

"Mac, Mim has her family. She also has James' family, who love her for not only the person she is, but also for remaining so loyal and supportive of James."

"Still," I say, "I could be there to..."

"Mac, you would be a distraction, not a help. She does not want you to see her. She told me that directly."

I feel the second major blow of the evening. First, I find out she is married, now I hear she explicitly does not want to see me.

"I don't get it," I continue. "I felt we were friends."

Dede smiles and takes my hand.

"Yes, Mac, you are her friend and she feels the same way. But, let's be honest. You also wanted to fuck her. I think she also shared some part of that feeling. Seeing her now would only make everything more complicated than it is. Give her some space and time."

I think about what Dede is saying. My instincts still tell me to go to Mim.

Dede reads the indecision in my eyes.

"Mac, I cannot tell you what to do. It would be insulting to try. I can tell you that going to Mim now would not help her. I also cannot say what is going to happen if James does die. I don't know if she will return to America. She has sent her formal resignation to Barton Hills. So, she no longer has a job to come back to. My best advice is to let her alone. If you and she are fated to be together, let Mim come to that realization. If you push it now, I am pretty sure it will be the end of your relationship with her."

"But, why? She knows I care for her. She must know that I would do anything to help her, to support her."

"She does. And, what she is asking you to do is give her space."

Between what Dede has told me and the multiple brandies, my mind is a complete fog. I try to make sense of it all, but only can feel the kick in my gut.

"Mac, let's go to bed. You need time to sort this out."

The alcohol hits me hard.

"So, you tell me this story and now you want to fuck? Some friend of Mim's you are."

Dede smiles.

"Mac, we are not going to fuck. Not tonight, maybe not ever again. But, you need to go to bed. I think you also could use some comfort of your own."

Even drunk, I realize what a shithead I am. Dede is a woman of unusual compassion.

I try to get up and fall back on the couch. Dede helps me stand and with me leaning heavily on her, we make our way to her bedroom.

She helps me with my clothes. Clad in my boxers I insist on going to the bathroom by myself. I sit down to pee since standing is beyond my ability.

I kick my underwear away and emerge naked from the bathroom. Dede smiles again and leads me to her bed. I collapse. Dede cradles me in her arms and I pass out.

Sometime the next morning, I try to pry one eye open. The pain is too intense so I close it and pull covers over my head.

I feel someone tugging on my foot. I groan.

"Hey, sleepyhead, are you ever going to get up?"

Ruthann's voice penetrates the covers.

"I am seriously thinking of just dying here," I manage to say.

The covers move and I feel Ruthann crawling in next to me. She is naked and molds her lithe body to mine.

Her arm snakes around my stomach. Her skin is warm, soft and fragrant. In spite of the pain in my head and the confusion in my brain, I react to this sensual sensation.

"Ruthann, I don't think you..."

"Ssh," she says. "Besides I have a message for you. Your cell phone was ringing. We let it go to email, but the same number kept calling and calling. Mom answered. It was Charlie. He was worried because you didn't show up at the garage."

My befuddled mind clears a tiny bit. Shit, it's Monday.

"I gotta get going," I say as I struggle to get up. My head explodes and I collapse back down. Ruthann pulls me tighter and I feel her small breasts push into my back.

"Mom told him you were sick and probably will not be in today. Also, we got another foot last night. Everything is closed. Charlie said he only went in because he wanted to plow your lot and, I guess, you have some customers, your aunt's and cousin's houses, and your own place that you take care of. He told Mom he hopes you feel better and that not to worry, he'll take care of everything."

Ruthann runs her long fingers over my chest and stomach. She kisses my shoulder. I need her to stop, but it feels so good. I say nothing.

"Chrissy and her mom are still here. I doubt if they will be leaving."

Ruthann lets her hand move lower and grazes my pubic area. My dick jumps.

"So, we can all just hang out today and do whatever."

Her fingers touch my limp penis and trace down my shaft.

Now I have two throbbing heads.

"We can just stay warm here under the covers," she says as her hand engulfs my dick.

For once, I am thankful for my hangover. I do not get hard.

"Ruthann, please..."

She pulls on my shoulder and rolls me on my back. She climbs on top and pushes her lips to mine while her body makes full contact.

I will myself to resist, but instead I find myself kissing back. The overall sensation is sweetness. Her breath, her lips, her skin, all are simply sweet.

My hands move down her back until they find her magnificent round butt. It is like my hands were molded to cup these warm and firm mounds. Ruthann wiggles against me as I gently fondle her rear.

Ruthann moves harder against my groin and I slowly get hard.

"Make love to me, Mac," she demands in a breathless whisper.

Her legs open and my erection moves between her thighs, my shaft in contact with her pussy.

Her voice catches in her throat as she grinds against me.

Moving as if on their own volition, my hands move under her chest to cup her breasts. Her nipples are hard and I move my thumb over them.

"Yes," she cries softly. "That feels so good."

Ruthann starts to raise her bottom, puts her hand on my shaft and moves the tip toward her opening. As my tip touches her hot and wet lips, she begins to move up and down. I feel the bottom of my shaft glide along her warm and wet lips. Ruthann lowers her face and we kiss, deeply and passionately. Our tongues begin to explore each other. Her sex moves faster and harder along my erection.

She slides up my body, keeping my dick in contact with her sex lips. She pushes her breast and the hard nipples to my lips. Slowly I open my mouth and take the tiny bud between my lips. I suck and Ruthann exhales deeply.

She is moving her hips faster, rubbing against me. She rises up and uses her hand to put my tip against the opening to her sex. My tip splits her lips and I sense the heat.

I come to my senses.

I roll to my side and Ruthann slides off me.

"I can't," I say.

"God, yes, you can. Mac, make love to me. I'm ready, I want you."

Ruthann pulls my erection toward her crotch.

"Honey, I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't."

I pull back.

Ruthann pulls the covers off our heads. Her eyes are brimming and she looks at me with bewilderment.

"Why, Mac, why? I want you. I want you inside me. I want to have your cock in me. I want to have your cock in my mouth. I want your mouth on my pussy. I want it all, Mac. I do, I really do."

It is in this moment that I fully understand that it's not right for me to take this innocent woman. Not right for her. And, not right for me. I admit to myself I am in love with Mim. I also realize I'm probably never going to realize that love.

"Ruthann, I am sorry but this is not going to happen."

She looks at me and her eyes fill. Her lips quiver and tears drop onto my arm under her head.

"I am such an idiot," she says as her crying begins.

She moves to leave, but I pull her to me.

"No, you're a beautiful, sensitive, sexy and terrific woman. I know that I will no doubt regret that we will not have sex. I am sure, though, that it's best for both of us."

"You're just saying that," she sobs. "God, I am such a geek. I don't blame you for not wanting me."

I pull her tighter, letting my erection rub between us.

"Does that feel like a man who is not interested?"