Shadow of Venus

April 14, 1769

I begin this log in the tradition of my captain and to record my new command. I am the second officer aboard the Endeavour and have been charged with the building of a permanent fort on the island the natives call Otaheite. The captain, with astronomic and timely inference, named the project Fort Venus.

The natives seem friendly after initial trepidation. They must have thought we were invading when our boats came ashore but that tense moment was handled brilliantly by the captain. He managed to convey the message that the chief's enemies are his enemies by jabbing his sword in the air. Our fears took longer to subside.

We were not the first ship to sail to this island. We were briefed about Captain Wallis and the Dolphin. Just two years ago, the natives were not so welcoming and attacked the ship by throwing rocks. Guns and cannons eventually pacified the natives. To make sure, Captain Wallis had their canoes destroyed. It explains why there are so many more native women than men on the island.

As so many of the African natives I have seen, they are without humility and nearly naked. They are dark-skinned but not nearly as dark as the Africans and their facial features are more European. In fact, they are quite attractive. The crew has been affected by the native women and their exposed breasts. Restraining the crew will be difficult. We had been at sea for eight months. Restraining myself is without question as an officer.

April 15, 1769

We spent the day searching along the shores of the island for a good location to build. Our priorities are that it is accessible from the sea, that it is defendable and that there is building materials nearby. The captain assigned me the double duty of escorting Mr. Banks, the botanist. During the voyage, I tried to avoid the crude and drunken Mr. Banks and this day proved to be even more of an inconvenience. Although it was good to see the botanist excited with something to do, he slowed our progress considerably. He was a different man with his feet on the ground but no less annoying. He did point out why most of the trees would be unacceptable for our needs.

Along our way, the native children followed and mimicked and giggled. The real distraction was the young women who flirted just beyond our reach but not beyond our attention. I had to keep the crew in a close group around the itinerant botanist. Many of the crew made feeble efforts to escape our company for that of the native girls. The day was fruitless and the effort was futile. We set up camp for the night and I established a guard, not to keep the natives away but to keep the crew from wandering.

April 16, 1769

Late in the day, we came across a reasonable location. It was the windward side of the island and more weather beaten than we had seen in this lush tropical forest but the wood was stronger and the point of land had our backs to the sea. It was also a day's walk from the native village and that had become a concern. The natives had abandoned us so far away from their home. We began to set up a temporary camp where the fort would be built around us. There was no port but a ship could get fairly close to shore on one side of the reef. I decided to notify the captain that I had found a suitable location but I knew that I had not explored the whole island yet. Tomorrow, we will walk back to the village and the ship.

April 19, 1769

The captain took faith in my judgment with very few questions. I am disappointed that the ship will remain anchored off the village while we begin construction. The captain plans to depart and explore the nearby islands as soon as possible, leaving myself and a small contingent behind. Although he hasn't said anything specifically, I suspect the captain shares my concern about fraternizing with the native girls. The captain may not have a proud lineage but he has proven to be an excellent officer and proper English gentleman. He would not likely be completely unaware of the crew's behaviour but he might place too much faith in them. The crewmen simply take advantage of the situation and cannot be faulted. They have neither the breeding nor the discipline to resist their base urges. As an officer, it will be my responsibility to maintain control of the crew and demonstrate by my own example.

April 20, 1769

A feast from our hosts brought the opportunity to express our plans. The captain conveyed our intentions by drawing in the sand with a stick and making exaggerated gestures. He said that we would need a home if we were to be their allies. Earlier, he had given the crew orders that we were give every impression that we were there to stay, as neighbours. The captain also conveyed that we would like to train a translator among their people by teaching them our language. Then, the captain informed me that I would be obliged to teach their chosen translator. I respectfully offered that Mr. Banks is the scholar and would be a better choice. The captain insisted that Mr. Banks is not a naval officer and that he will be occupied. I accepted my additional duties with no further argument. He also suggested that I make an effort to learn their language while I teach ours. My duties were beginning to weigh upon me.

The feast lasted for hours and throughout, their idea of entertainment continued. At first, the dancers were more formal and dressed elaborately and colourfully but it deteriorated into a frenzy of pounding drums and naked breasts. I was appalled at the debauchery of it all. Nearly naked girls gyrating and flirting to the pounding drums. In some sort of fertility ritual, a man and woman feigned having sex on the ground. The crewmen were straining against their lecherous natures and joined the dance. It was humorous to watch them mimic the native dance but I maintained my attention to guard their discretion.

There was one particular girl that caught my attention. She would be considered beautiful on any continent. Smooth skin, full firm bosoms and taut abdominal muscles and the way she moved her hips, it was hypnotic with no pun intended. It was her face that captured me. Luminescent green eyes framed by raven-black hair and lips that seemed to be permanently puckered. She was exotic and erotic but she smiled with all the unguarded innocence of a child. She was certainly not a child. She was the epitome of the feminine form but a smaller, more compact version. What little clothing she wore left just enough to the imagination. Apparently, my own eyes caught hers and she invited me to dance. Naturally, I refused. I looked over to see the angry expressions of both the captain and the chief. I began to understand that the chief was offended that I didn't accept their heathen generosity.

April 22 1769

I led a crew of a dozen and a botanist back to the village. We would be taking the boats to the location of the fort but we first needed to acquire our new student of English. Frankly, I was disappointed that the captain didn't relocate the ship, at least temporarily. My task becomes more formidable every day but I will perform my duty proudly.

I met the native chief, who seemed to be still holding a grudge about the declined hospitality, and he gestured toward his choice for translator. It took all my decorum to not object. He had chosen the same girl that had asked me to dance. I wasn't expecting a girl, especially not her. Of course, the crew were happy to see her joining us.

While rowing to the location, my mind raced with thoughts about how much time I must spend with her and how to keep the crew from teaching her more than proper English. My head ached but I kept my eyes on the horizon and the crew. Only the occasional sideways glance kept me aware that the girl had her eyes on me. I could almost feel her staring at the back of my head, desperately seeking my approval. She would not get it. I had no ill will toward her personally but my position requires that I remain aloof. It is not her fault that she was chosen or even that she is so beautiful but my duties can only be compromised.

That night brought a storm and the men and I huddled under the overturned boats on the shore. Although the girl wanted to join us, I pointed her toward the trees and had some of the crew assemble a rough shod shelter out of driftwood and branches. She shivered in the rain and cold all night. I know because I didn't sleep either.

April 23, 1769

It was either the reddest sunrise I had ever seen or I was just looking through bloodshot eyes. The clouds sailed away and I ordered the men to build temporary shelters until a barracks can be started. The axes slammed into the trees all day while other crew members strapped wood and canvas together. Everyone worked hard, taking turns hauling and chopping. Nobody wanted to spend another night like that. I led by example and even Mr. Banks postponed his wandering to help as much as he was possible. Not exactly suitable chores for a gentleman and definitely not in his experience but he made an admirable effort.

Surprisingly, or perhaps not, the girl was quite a talented thatcher. Work was still not enough distraction for most of the crew and they leered at her. Even my own self-discipline was tested by her considerable charms and I felt obliged to hide them. I offered her an old shirt and a pair of baggy ragged pants that I brought along for work like today's. She accepted them gratefully and was marvelled at the gift of civilization. Fortunately, they fit her like a tent but I wish she had waited to change into them until I had turned my back. By nightfall, we had one large and one small shelter. They were ugly patchworks of rubble and canvas but they will serve.

April 25, 1769

Mr. Banks and myself had shared the small shelter. It was a tortuous night. I find it hard to fathom how such a well-bred man can be so common. He was almost drooling as he talked about the native girls and took no notice of my disapproval. I was tempted to confront him as he described our female companion in detail but at least one of us must remain a gentleman. Even in sleep, he could not remain quiet. I found myself with plenty of time to think about who are the real barbarians and questioning if the English are truly the superior race. Meanwhile, the girl was sleeping just a few feet away under the boat and only a scrap of canvas separated us. What kind of language could she be learning from our good botanist?

Daylight brought a return to some semblance of normalcy and sanity. I ordered half of the crew to begin assembling materials to build barracks and the other half to forage for food. I asked Mr. Banks to lead and advise the latter. I ordered the latter to keep an eye on him and to go in the opposite direction of the village. Turned out that half the village came to us. They were curious about our project and were amused at our ramshackle huts. I had learned from the captain and made exaggerated gestures trying to describe the plans and European architecture. I received plenty of puzzled expressions. It seemed like an opportune time to begin English lessons and I had an eager class of children along with the girl. I just picked out objects and had them repeat the words. Then, I taught them my name and learned some of theirs. Her name is Hinano.

May 1, 1769

The captain sent the first officer, Mr. Scuggins, to check my progress. I'm a little disappointed that the captain didn't come himself. He brought along more provisions but they were hardly necessary. The natives were very generous with gifts of food when they visited and fish seemed to jump into our nets. Still, it was good to have civilized company and I was proud of our development. One of the first things I had taught Hinano, was to curtsey and introduce herself politely.

I became a bit perturbed at Mr. Scuggins' innuendos about Hinano and myself. I felt like the last bastion of civilization. Obviously, Mr Scuggins had not been leading by example. However, even I had to surrender to overwhelming forces. We were surrounded by native girls and I could not be vigilant with the crew all the time. I just kept Hinano safe from the crew's lascivious whims. That wasn't easy. Hinano is a friendly and curious girl but I occupied her time and her mind with my lessons. She is a quick learner.

She had managed to build her own shelter. It looked like a tent made out of dried grass but still disgraced our huts. It was also elevated of the ground like the other huts of her village. I wish I had thought of that for the barracks because we were constantly brushing out crabs and insects out of beds. Many of the crew had abandoned their hut for hassocks further inshore.

May 3, 1769

It has become apparent that the crew has not only been familiar with the some of native girls but they had specific girlfriends among them. I worry that the native men, the fathers and brothers of these girls will become offended but I almost wish they would. They think they are hiding it from me but I am no fool. What was so amazing was that these men are far from the pride of the nation and, yet, these beautiful young girls found them irresistible. I considered ordering the men back to sleeping in their huts but that would be like putting the cork back on the bottle after the genie had escaped. Let them be judged by God.

May 6, 1769

I have been summoned back to the ship for undisclosed purpose. I decided to return Hinano to her village rather than leave her there alone. She expressed that she will be glad to see her family again. I was surprised to learn that her father is the chief. My little princess. I am so relieved that the relationship has remained platonic. It could have been catastrophic if the chief had been insulted.

The captain received me in his quarters as dinner was being served. Mr Scuggins joined us minutes later wearing a smug smile. The captain seemed upset but not in an angry way. He informed me that he will be taking the ship to explore the nearby islands within the week and mentioned that the chief tried to warn him that the natives of other islands were unfriendly and attacked his island frequently. At least that was what the captain understood him to gesture. These other natives would take anything of value, including some of the women. Of course, the natives of this island would retaliate.

"One heathen is no better than another. At least civilized people fight for ideals," I mentioned.

"That leads me to the other thing I wanted to talk about," the captain added, "These people have been very gracious and it would be rude not to accept their.... gifts."

Mr Scuggins coughed and I looked up to see him biting his lip to hold back a smirk. I told the captain that I understood. He was relieved to put an end to that particular topic and asked me about the progress of the fort. I informed him that the we were having difficulty finding proper building materials but that it will be ready by the time we leave. We concluded dinner with a cup of vinegar, as always. The captain insisted that drinking vinegar would prevent scurvy but it made me nauseous and it spoiled a good meal. I spent the night aboard the ship to return to the island in the morning. Despite the gentle rocking of the waves and the comfortable bed, I found it hard to get to sleep.

May 8, 1769

A new day brings a new perspective. I gathered the crew and explained to them what the captain explained to me. It got a little awkward. Mr. Monkhouse asked if it was an order to fornicate with the natives.

"I cannot ask you to jeopardize your morals or your commitment to Christian values but you will not be judged by me," were my exact words and the words I have always lived by.

My absence had been a detriment. Virtually no progress had been achieved on the barracks. I notifed the crew that every moment of daylight will be utilized and they will be expected to double their productivity. I was no exception and I doubled my effort to teach Hinano our language. I felt renewed and resolved. Also, I reinstitued the captain's tradition of forcing the crew to drink vinegar. If the crew will not restrain themselves, maybe I could encourage the natives to. However, for some of the crew, it could only improve their breath.

May 13, 1769

What better to teach English than the Holy Bible. I found myself going through it again for strength and was inspired to share it with Hinano. Today, I read the story of Moses to her, with elucidation along the way. She understood God's vengeance but not the sin that instigated it. We have much more work to do. Perhaps she will even teach her village of the one true God. There must be some sort of heavenly reward for that.

Still, I have never been so tested by temptation. The smell of her hair as she turns her head raises animal urges from deep inside. The soft warmth of her cheek just inches away from my trembling hand. My dreams betray me and, in the morning, I pray for strength.

May 15, 1769

I found myself questioning God's will or, at least, his intentions. If this is a test, then why does he test me? Of course, it's presumptuous and it's probably a sin to question God. I wish I had paid more attention in church. So, I began to question my own morals. The difference between right and wrong or sin and virtue has a lot to do with circumstance. "Thou shalt not kill" except in defence of one's country or quite a few other good reasons. This is not particularly profound but just something I always took for granted. I tried to think in those terms instead of the absolutes but then I wondered if I was merely attempting to justify my own desires. My head throbs and I still have no answers.

May 17, 1769

May God forgive me for losing my will and my temper today. I found Hinano flirting with Mr. Banks and bruised her arm forcibly. I expected so much more of her and let her know of it in raised voice.

"You no lick me," She yelled back at me.

It took a moment but I answered softly, "Of course I LIKE you," as I held her hands.

"You no want me," she responded with a tear falling down her cheek.

"Of course I want you," I whispered before my lips touched hers.

I felt like I was flying. I felt like I was falling into a bottomless pit. I left her leaning against a tree when I regained my intellect.

May 18, 1769

I spent all night with a candle searching for the passage in the Holy Book that forbade my love and condemned my lust. I could not find it. Where had I been taught this? It may be the original sin but, without it, it would also have been the last. Perhaps I had found the paradise where Adam and Eve had been banished. All that is left is to take a bite of the apple.

May 21, 1769

Three days ago, I gave my overworked crew a well deserved leave. They looked puzzled at first but soon threw their tools into the air in their jubilation. Unfortunately Mr. Monkhouse received minor injuries from a falling axe. Most of them began running in the direction of the village.

I turned my attention to Hinano. I watched her sombre face slowly brighten until her cheeks dimpled with a smile. It had been a long time since I had seen that smile but this time it was just for me. It seems sudden now but the next thing I realized was that I was kissing her. We were embraced so passionately that the world around us seemed to disappear. Even the sand we stood upon ceased to exist. It was a little disconcerting and the world came back. I looked around to see who had witnessed this crime of decorum but there was nobody else around. Even Mr. Monkhouse had managed to limp away. We were alone and I was not going to waste another minute. My manhood could no longer be denied.

I looked down at the rags I had given her and they looked better than when I had given them but they no longer suited her. I pulled the at the collars and the buttons tore away. She whimpered and I yanked my eyes from those round youthful breasts that begged to be touched. She was shocked that I had destroyed her gift so I took off my shirt and handed it to her. I pulled the rag off her shoulders and wished that I were not so much taller than her so that I could be closer to those breasts. However, my hands were at just the right height. They squeezed against the firmness and caressed the softness. Everything about a woman is a duality and a complexity. They give so much and need so much. Men are simple, by comparison and all I needed was her.