Shadow of Venus

Every day and, especially every night, I was tempted to go see Hinano. They welcomed us because they thought we were to be their allies and our guns would protect them from their enemies. I misled my intentions all the way into her family and was preparing to abandon her.

Mr. Scuggins told me of their travels while they were away. The natives they encountered were not nearly as friendly. They were attacked numerous times and no amount of gesturing would dissuade them. We had already become the allies of their enemies. There were no major casualties among the crew but dozens and maybe hundreds of natives had fallen in front of our guns and cannons. However, they had developed an extensive map of the area.

"I envy you, I really do," I told him, "I would have preferred to be in battle than stuck here."

"I heard that it wasn't so bad," he said with a smirk.

"It's a long way from home," I answered.

"It's a fuckin' paradise. Didn't you realize that?," he scoffed.

"Not for me," I answered cryptically and walked away.

July 10, 1769

I find myself leading a search for two deserters, Mr Gibson and Mr. Webb had decided they preferred this place to their home and, more importantly, their duty. There is a part of me that would wish them good luck and good bye but I have my duty as well. We have two days to find them. After that, the natives are planning another feast and the captain does not intend to let them know it was to be a farewell party. I was relieved to leave discreetly. If I must leave, then I would prefer not to see her beautiful face once more. How could I ask her to forgive me and then depart forever? Actually, there was nothing I wanted more. Almost nothing. Not anything I could do anything about. I am an officer and I must set my obligations above my own desires.

July 14, 1769

Now under full sail and the island is long out of sight. The two deserters had been captured and disciplined severely. The captain insisted to make them an example. It was odd when we found them because they resisted by shooting at us. There were twenty guns pointed at them and they were likely to be killed but they preferred that to leaving. Had I not dropped my gun and walked out to them to explain that, they would be dead. The danger and the irony of that didn't occur to me until later. I wasn't trying to commit suicide. Neither was I trying to be a hero. It's funny, but when I finally developed some inner clarity, the rest of the world became surreal. The danger just seemed like part of some ridiculous play and I was just an actor.

The original purpose of the voyage had been a failure. The shadow of Venus was not clear. The captain and the astronomer debated the difficulty being caused by the atmosphere or the equipment but, maybe in another 122 years, they'll get better results. The charting of the area should be considered a success, by itself. Mr. Banks, too, was quite proud of his samples and classifications. Apparently, he had done a lot of work between bottles. I, on the other hand, leave behind an abandoned fort and my innocence. In return, I get guilt and a lightened burden of hope. The crew, like myself, toil in silence, distracted by loss and unsatisfied in memories. We leave paradise behind because we do not belong there and I am still favouring that I should leave this log to the sea.