Shag the Veep, Save the World

"Ya know," Jennifer said when they were alone again. "I was kind of expecting something a little more dramatic, like a beam shooting out from the ring to deflect the asteroid."

"Moi aussi," Renee agreed. "Look, we have a message on our phone."

"You listen to it, babe," Jennifer said. "I need to clean up a little."

Renee's face was ashen when Jennifer emerged from the bathroom in a plush bathrobe, with a towel wrapped around her wet hair.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

Renee swallowed hard and pointed to the telephone.

"It was Mother Marie-Elaine," she said.

"What did the old battleaxe want now?"

"She and the sisters have been examining the Nostradamus records."

"And?" Jennifer prompted her.

Renee gave her friend a weak smile.

"The good news is that we actually have until October eighth rather than August eighth."

"Well, that would have been nice to know before tonight," Jennifer said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "How do they figure that?"

"It seems that before Julius Caesar became emperor of Rome, the year began in March. That is why October begins with the prefix "o-c-t," which means eight. According to Mother Marie-Elaine, Nostradamus consistently rejected the Julian calendar that Caesar established. He always used the old calendar. So the eighth day of the eighth month would be October eighth."

"Well, I've already fucked the guy, so I'm not sure what the big deal is. It's over, honey. The world is safe."

Renee shook her head and swallowed again.

"It also means that the millennium did not begin on January 1, 2001. In Nostradamus's calendar it began two months later, on March 1, 2001."

"Again, so?"

"Your country inaugurated a new president on January 20, 2001. So the vice-president on March first was not Al Gore but Richard Cheney."

The two women stared at each other in horror before the same word simultaneously burst from the two throats.

"Ewwwwwww!"

In a state of shock, Jennifer found a seat on the couch next to Renee. After a few minutes thought, she turned to the French girl with one final idea.

"So realistically, since nobody's seen this asteroid thing yet, there's probably only a fifty percent chance of this prediction coming true, right?"

Renee nodded numbly.

"And there's also a fifty-fifty chance the thing will come by the sun first, right? And if it does that, wouldn't it pull the Earth into an orbit farther away from the sun?"

"Oui."

"Which would make us colder, and not warmer. I mean, that would like probably balance the global warming, wouldn't it?"

"Perhaps," Renee agreed with a shrug.

"So really there's only like a twenty-five percent chance of something bad happening, like our being sucked toward the sun."

"That's true."

"Versus my fucking Dick Cheney."

"Oui."

"I can live with that. How about you?"

Renee smiled.

"Certainment. Until somebody actually sees an asteroid 'eaded towards us."

"You can just shut up, girlfriend. Now I'm gonna need another shower."

This story was inspired by, and is dedicated to, tickledkitty. It is an entry in the 2008 Earth Day contest, and if you actually made it to the end of the story, you might as well let me know what you thought about it by commenting and/or voting. In any event, my thanks for reading.