Shame

But they came from different communities and castes and both of them were pressured by their families who had learned of the relationship. They were forced to break up. It was heartbreaking and it affected her grades. Somehow she managed to get through. It was more difficult because both of them were still in the same college.

Back home, even her father could not resist social pressures indefinitely. Before long, he agreed with the family elders that, after finishing college, a suitable bridegroom would be found for her.

Madhavi wanted to continue studying accountancy. There were arguments at home, till, finally, her father gave in and compromised: she would be married to a groom of the family's choice immediately after she obtained her license to practice. That gave Madhavi a couple of more years.

She went back to the city where she got an internship with an accountancy firm and a place to stay in a working-women's hostel. By then, her boyfriend had left the city. It was a lonely life and though she had several friends she missed the emotional and physical aspects of her previous relationship with a man. Fortunately, she soon struck up a friendship with a young man in the firm, older than her, but unmarried. It started as a casual friendship and progressed to dating. She did not tell him about her previous affair and feared that if she did, or admitted that she was now hungering for sex, he would break off the relationship. When he asked her to sleep with him, she only pretended to resist but quickly gave in. That first night with him was, she said, positively exhilarating.

Her new lover was older than her and had his own little flat so they enjoyed privacy. Madhavi would stay over at his place sometimes and most weekends. She felt happy and secure and began to feel the woman of the house, enjoying looking after it. She never told him of her boyfriend in college, but simply enjoyed his company, friendship and the sex. She was discrete, too, about her present relationship; there would be trouble in her family if she was known to have a second affair before the brouhaha over the first one had died down. Yet, she was sure she was not in love with the young man and did not pressurize him for a commitment. A few months before her final examinations she took leave from the firm to study and quietly moved into his house. He helped her with the course work and, after dinner, they went to bed together, having sex several times a week.

The examinations came and went. Madhavi did well and was already one of the top candidates for recruitment into a major firm. But the dreaded time had come and she had to keep her promise to her family. She explained this to her lover. He was bitterly unhappy and she realized, with horror, that he was madly in love with her. He offered to marry her but she knew there would be the same trouble as before and, weeping, forced herself to say no. Their parting was intense and painful: she cried in his arms on the last night and they made love all night long. The next day she left the city and went home.

Her family had found her a groom. She was introduced to him soon after she returned. He came for a respected and well-to-do family which had a flourishing business in the town. He had a college degree and was now running the family business. Physically, he wasn't unattractive either and Madhavi began to reconcile herself to a life with him. Perhaps, she reasoned, he'd at least be good enough in bed. The horoscopes were matched and the marriage arranged in a few weeks. Madhavi got busy with the preparations for the marriage and spent her last few weeks of freedom with her old school friends and cousins. From the time she left the city, she had no lover till the wedding.

The truth about her bridegroom emerged only on the wedding night. There was no indication beforehand of the horror that lay in store. As she spoke of this, Madhavi's voice became soft and then began to shake and she started crying. I held her to my side as she spoke.

She had no warning at all. In the traditional manner, she waited in the bridal chamber in all her wedding finery for her new bridegroom. The nuptial bed was lavishly decorated and strewn with rose petals and the room was fragrant with the scent of fresh jasmine. Madhavi had enjoyed the ceremonies and functions and felt curiously excited about this new chapter in her life.

The door burst open. Her new husband charged in, and the nightmare began.

He wasn't alone. He had brought four of his friends. He was drunk. Madhavi was terrified when she saw the men. She began to panic. The four guys leered at her lewdly. One of them locked the door.

Her husband was holding a bottle of liquor and drinking straight from it. He told her to drink too and, when she refused, he grabbed her and forced the bottle to her mouth. The harsh liquor made her choke and retch. The men laughed loudly.

Then the man she had just married ripped her brocade silk wedding sari from her shoulder and left her standing in just her blouse with the sari hanging around her waist. In full view of his mates he grabbed her breast and squeezed it hard, laughing, and ordered her to strip. She cried out and tried to struggle free. He slapped her hard across the face again and again, cutting her lip. He ripped open her blouse and tore off her bra so that now she was half-naked in front of them all.

When she tried to cover herself he slapped her hands away and told her to behave herself and be quiet and not to raise an alarm or he would burn her with a cigarette. In any case, he said, everyone was out partying and there was no one around to help. Terrified, weeping, Madhavi backed into a corner. She knew what lay ahead.

Her bridegroom grabbed her by the hair and dragged her to the middle of the room and turned her around to face the other men, keeping her hands bent behind her so that her naked breasts were thrust out. He asked his mates if they liked his new slut. Madhavi was weeping in fear and shame, but he had her pinned and helpless. The man pulled off her sari, laughing while the other men cheered, till she was totally naked. He slapped her again when she tried to cover her pubis. There was nothing to be ashamed of, he said. These are my best friends. We have no secrets from each other. We share everything. We are brothers, like the Pandavas from the Mahabharata. Even they shared a wife. You are my Draupadi. And the pleasures of your body must now also be shared with my brothers. Then he threatened her, saying that it was her duty as his wife to satisfy him, to make him happy and to make sure his needs were met, and just now what would satisfy him and make him happy and meet his needs was for his friends to fuck her as long as they liked.

The other guys were like animals. Already, they had begun to take off their clothes. She opened her mouth to scream and immediately her husband hit her again and held her tight and grabbed a cigarette from his friend and brought it so close to her nipple she could feel its heat. He warned her again not to scream or he really would burn her. Weeping helplessly now, she nodded in submission and he released her. He laughed in delight at that and offered her openly to his friends for their pleasure, standing behind her and lifting her breasts in his hands and asking his friends if they liked his new acquisition.

Then he pushed her down to her knees in front of one of them and pushed her head forward into his crotch. Weeping and sobbing, she sucked the man's cock while he laughed and jeered at her, fucking her mouth and calling her a whore. Several minutes later, he shoved her head back and dragged her to the bed, flinging her on her back and jerking her legs open. She cried out when she felt him thrust hard into her.

"That's right, now you can scream all you want," she heard her husband laugh. "Even if anyone hears you, which they won't, they'll just think how good I am in bed, right?" His mates cheered and clapped.

The man kept fucking her harder and harder till he came. Immediately, there was another one to take his place, jumping on the bed, standing on it, feet apart and dragging her to her knees and making her suck his cock. Then he, too, started fucking her, this time from behind, turning her over on her front and ramming his cock into her cunt so deep and hard that she screamed in shock and pain. He kept at it, fucking her hard, slapping her buttocks and squeezing her breasts. This time, even before he was done, a third man joined in.

"Hey man, let's fuck her together! I mean, we're all going to share, right? So what's with all this wait-your-turn shit, eh?"

He jerked her head up and, for the first time in her life, Madhavi found herself being fucked by two men together. They took her hard till they were done and then the last man, the biggest of them all, with an impossibly big penis came forward. Madhavi looked at his cock in terror and begged and pleaded for mercy, asking them to let her go, to not hurt her, but they just laughed.

"Baby, don't you worry none. My friend here knows how to pleasure a bitch. I'm gonna have you singing another tune, whore, before I'm done. You're just gonna love this! Come on! Give me some head! And suck good, bitch, this fellow likes to be worked hard and long, so suck hard!"

The man sat up against the headboard and made her bend over his lap and suck him. All the while, he kept squeezing her breasts and kept up a conversation with the other men, as if she wasn't even there. After what seemed like an eternity, he pushed her head back.

"Come on, slut, time for the pole dance. You're going for a little joyride now! Bareback! Come on, sit on my cock, bitch!"

He pulled her astride him and made her impale herself on his massive penis and then forced her to move on her own over him while he sucked her breasts and fondled her body. Madhavi did as he commanded, unthinking, weeping and numb with fear and pain and shame.

"Oh fuck man, look how much she likes it!" she heard her husband saying. "Just look how much the whore likes that big cock in her pussy! Fuck, this is so sexy! We've got to do this often!"

"No sweat, chief, she's your wife, remember, you get to call the shots!" one of the others laughed.

The man on the bed laughed, too, and then began moving faster, thrusting his hips furiously up and down, slamming his huge cock in and out of her cunt, slapping his thighs at her buttocks, making her scream and cry out and claw in agony at the sheets. Several minutes later, he pushed her off him and jerked her onto her front and began fucking her from behind.

It just went on and on and on. The four men raped her on her wedding night, fucking her again and again, one after another. She was made to take their cocks in her mouth, in her cunt and even in her ass. They fucked her in pairs, one in her mouth, another in her cunt, swapping and changing places and taking turns. Then one of them had an idea and the three biggest of the lot took her together, in cunt and mouth and ass together, thrusting into her broken and trembling body, laughing at her pain. It was brutal, terrifying and utterly inhuman. And her bridegroom looked on and laughed in delight as his mates fucked his bride.

Several hours later, they left her and lurched out to continue their revelries elsewhere. Madhavi was in shock, bleeding profusely with bruises all over her face and body. It was a miracle that she had survived at all and an even greater miracle that she managed to put on some clothes and escape from her in-laws' house while everyone else was still asleep. Her own parents' house was not far away and she stumbled through the dark streets to it. Her mother, still weeping on her daughter's departure to a new house, opened the door to the panicked hammering. She saw her daughter and her state and collapsed in shock. Her father and brother came running. They understood at once what had happened even as Madhavi wept and wept in her mother's arms. Her father broke down and cried like a child and her brother picked up a big garden scythe and was about to rush out of the house when others stopped him. Finally somebody had the sense to rush her to hospital.

The incident completely destroyed her father. He blamed himself for giving in to the family pressure and he blamed the family for their stupid code that had wrecked his daughter's happiness. He was in a towering rage and got violent when someone suggested that they should try and make peace and come to an 'understanding' for Madhavi to return with dignity to her in-laws.

"There is no 'dignity' left!" he shouted. "What is this 'dignity' you keep talking about? That bastard had his friends rape my daughter on her wedding night and you talk of dignity? Listen to me carefully, allow of you and I will say this only once: I would rather let my daughter became a whore in my own house than let her to go to his."

Although the groom's family was wealthy and occupied a high social station Madhavi's father was unafraid. He went to the family lawyer. In the end, nothing came of it. The lawyer told them that under Indian law her groom could not be convicted of rape because they were married. The other four men could be indicted and her husband could be an accomplice. But she would have to undergo an examination at a government hospital and later she would have to face cross-examination in court when the matter of her previous affair in college was bound to be raked up and she would be accused of being immoral. Their lawyer would make her feel cheap in front of the whole courtroom. Her father was furious and swore vengeance.

It took Madhavi many days to recover. For many weeks later, she did not stir out of her room. She lost weight and became pale and weak and wept constantly. She was in perpetual terror and fear. The psychological wounds ran deep.

Her parents and brother shielded her from the outside world. Her in-laws demanded her return and accused her of being unworthy and incapable of satisfying their precious son who was perfect in every way. They taunted her father and accused him of breaking his word and being faithless and demanded back all the gifts given at the wedding ceremony. They threatened to ruin him, his business and the family reputation. Madhavi's father did not yield. He threw the money and gifts back at them, which they never expected, told them to go to hell and try their worst. His daughter would not set foot in their house and nor would any member of his family. As to the matter of reputation, he retaliated in kind by assuring them that he would see to it that henceforth no man in the city would consent to his daughter marrying their son. He would expose them in public and in the press, he threatened, and, since his own family's reputation had been totally ruined, he had nothing to lose.

The fighting went on for many weeks. The groom's family backed down when they realized how the whole town was looking down on them and their son. The family lawyer was able to persuade the groom's family's lawyer to agree to a divorce as soon as the law allowed it to happen. The groom's lawyer offered a cash settlement; her father told him never to make such an offer again.

Madhavi recovered slowly but was never the same. Her parents worried endlessly. It was only her father who brought her back to a steady track by spending long hours with her, consoling her and talking to her, taking her out and slowly drawing her out of her shell.

A full year went by and then it was he who suggested that she go to Bombay and take up her career again. Madhavi was still not ready for this and it took her many weeks to agree. Her father contacted a builder to whom he had lent money earlier and it was agreed that the loan could be repaid by taking a flat in a new building. Her parents and brother came with her to Bombay where they stayed with some relatives for a few weeks till the flat was made ready. In the meantime, her father called a friend who gave her a job in his small but prospering accountancy firm.

Madhavi moved into the flat and for a few weeks they all stayed together. Her brother left to go back to college and then her father, too, had to return to attend to his business. Madhavi cried for hours after he went. Her mother stayed with her for a few months till Madhavi got fully settled.

Slowly she found some inner reservoir of strength and from that she rebuilt her life. She threw herself into her work. She was good at it and the firm rewarded her work with hefty pay hikes and bonuses. She regained confidence and she found some happiness and, for the first time after longer than she could remember, she found herself able to laugh. She began to make friends at work. Her mother saw her recovery but waited till one day Madhavi gently asked her to go back to her father and look after him.

"I'm okay now," she said. "Really, I'm fine."

For a few months, Madhavi enjoyed living on her own. She had enough money of her own now and began to add little things to the house.

III

SO MADHAVI BEGAN another phase in her life. Slowly, she blocked out the memory of that terrible night and began to come to terms with her own needs and sexuality. Still she was fearful and haunted and it took her a long time to acknowledge, even to herself, that she had sexual needs, and even more time to venture into it. It was difficult and, at first, she contented herself with masturbation and fantasy. When she acquired a computer of her own at home and got onto the Internet it became easier and she began to crave for a man's touch.

It may sound strange but, in Bombay, for a single woman living alone to find a lover is both very difficult and extremely easy. It is difficult because there is a social appearance to be maintained and the woman cannot be openly seen with single men or her reputation is 'sullied'. Madhavi was anyway in a delicate position simply by being on her own and this often raised silent questions about her. But there is no shortage in the city of willing men eager for sex, as she soon found out.

She was convinced that she did not want any sort of commitment but was interested only in the purely physical aspects of the relationship. Cautiously, she began to explore. She described it like being blind and groping her way in sudden darkness though unfamiliar surroundings.

Her first lover in her new home was a married man from her firm. He was the youngest partner and she found him attractive, handsome and ambitious and dashing. He wanted to make his firm one of the best in the city. He had plenty of contacts and was responsible for a steep increase in the firm's billing. His married life was singularly unhappy: his wife saw procreation as the only purpose of sex. With one son already and another on the way their sex life had come to a total halt.

Madhavi found herself seconded to his division and they spent many hours together on different assignments. Sometimes, the work kept them late at the office. It was there that he kissed her for the first time and made his advances. She found the touch exciting and it brought out something in her that had been hidden for a long time. She desired real sex, not the make believe world of masturbation, but she did not want to come across as too available and did not make a further move.

But, equally, she did not resist.

They started their affair and met regularly. He took her out to dinner frequently and to movies and shows. They kissed and fondled in his car and she allowed him to feel her breasts and her response when he touched her. They had sex for the first time at his house while his wife was away at her parents' place. Madhavi was nervous at first and this pleased him because he thought she was inexperienced and he could tutor her. She realized this and kept up a pretence of being a novice even as she relaxed and succumbed to his caresses. Sex after such a long gap was intense and deeply satisfying.