Shame

Hey guys, this is just something I am trying out. If you don't like first person stories you will not like this one. As always feedback is appreciated. No editor for this one if people like it I will continue with one :)

******

At what point did this all spin out of control? I know I saw this coming. At what point did I lose myself to become this person?

I wondered all these things as I sat on the back of the fire truck with holding ice on my swollen lip, fingers trembling. Police were walking around the scene; I could hear their hard bottom shoes crunching over the shattered safety glass. Some type of steam was rising from the hood of my car. Which was currently hugging a light pole in a warm steel embrace, its fucking totaled I just know it. It was dark outside, only the lights of the parking lot were illuminating the area. The moon was a half crescent my favorite of its shapes, the stars were bright in the clear sky. For a moment I could look up and think I was somewhere else. Wishing it with all my heart I was somewhere else and this was a nightmare. I was quickly brought back by the sounds of dispatch radios and the flashing lights all around me. A handsome firefighter came tell me I was going to be transported by ambulance to the hospital to be checked out. I just nodded His eyes matched his strong voice, intense blue with what looked like golden flecks. A hot guy was the last thing I needed to be concerned about. News crews were beginning to arrive...

I heard the other fire men talking to the police about my car possibly catching fire and that it needed to be moved it out the area asap. I saw a detective eyeing me from the police car where he was talking to a woman, a desperate woman, who was cuffed in the back. I met her eyes, her hazel bloodshot eyes, so worn, so sad, and so angry. She had a look on her face was easy to read, I could feel her rage, she wanted me dead. Damn, I can't believe I almost looked death in the face. How am I going to go to work in the morning? God it's no way no one saw, could this put my job in jeopardy? This situation is just oozing with juice for local media. A million question going on in my head and I felt like shit for even being so concerned about myself. I couldn't help but feel the woman in the police car and I should switch places. The damage that I had done on her life seemed equal. I am a heartless bitch, a home wrecker that just destroyed a family. I deserve the excruciating pain I feel all over my body...

***** Maybe I should start at the beginning , maybe you will be able to help me understand. I am not looking for sympathy, no, not at all. I just want to know at what point did I lose myself? If I can find that maybe I will be able to get some of me back...

4 months earlier

I saw him sneaking glances at me. His brown eyes always started at my feet and worked their way my legs and continued until they reached my eyes. I was use to people staring at my eyes. They were striking grey a contrast to my dark brown skin. They ran in my family I got mine from my daddy, he got his from his mother and so on and so on. I was the only child to get them out of my immediate family; I was called the lucky one. It would seem they got me more attention than I wanted growing up. I had been called stuck up, freak, or even a witch because of them. Children are so creative... Needless to say I was use to people staring at my eyes.

He was on a weight machine working on his arms, I had started watch them flex every time he curled them. He was solid, but not stocky. Honestly, I probably would have never noticed him if he hadn't kept staring at me. I could feel it, I tried to ignore but it literally felt like someone burning a hole in me. Finally I looked out from the stair master and met his eyes. I had seen him once or twice in passing. Yes, he was attractive, he was dark and handsome. Olive skin and dark brown eyes, his dark brown hair was long enough for the front to reach his eyebrows. He was taller than me about 5'10-5'11. His roman nose made me think he was Italian or something. Not that I am an expert. I also noticed his wedding ring. He was just another good looking guy at the gym, another married guy.

I can't say why that day he decided to stare me down. I don't know why I didn't bitch up and say "what the fuck are you staring at?" I also, can't say why I blushed and smiled in response. What I do know is that was the beginning of the fall down the rabbit hole. I saw him, I acknowledged him and though no moves were made that day I feel, I welcomed the advances that were coming.

We didn't speak that day but there was a connection. It could have ended there when he didn't have a name, he didn't have a personality. It could have ended while he was just a handsome face and a hard body. If I had never seen him again outside the gym, I would have forgotten about him. But life doesn't mean to make things easy. It seems to want a little chaos, sometimes things need to work out just right so that certain moments can fall into place.

*****

I was at a happy hour after work. I am not a daily drinker, usually only at socially or an occasional glass of wine at home. That day, though I felt I needed it. My work seemed to come crashing down on me. I was a Human resource manager a financial investment firm, and my HR assistant made a royal fuck up. Due to an over sight the commission numbers were not added in with the hourly pay for the previous pay period. Meaning a lot of checks were going to come up short if everything wasn't manually done by the next day. The problem was fixable but no one likes their money messed with, I knew some people would have to wait. I was going to get chewed out for the mistake. This one had come too soon after a pervious mistake the same assistant made. I didn't want to think of having to fire someone.

I was sitting at the bar in Pappasitos drinking my skinny margarita when I felt the stare. I really wasn't in the mood for some perv undressing me with his eyes. I made my today is not the day face and got ready to turn. I even had the first curse I was going to use picked out; it was one of my favorites, asshole. But when I turned it was him. His dark looks wrapped up in a suit, he was drinking some type of cognac. I knew I was in trouble because I recognized him immediately. As casual as our encounter was he had a place in my brain. Inside I was happy to see him, surprised and excited. It didn't matter that his ring kept catching the light. When he moved to the seat next to me; I leaned in instead of leaning away. His smooth voice drew me in as he spoke.

"Your eyes are beautiful, not just the color but the shape, I think they would look good any color really. It's something about their shape," He was looking directly in my eyes the pull was magnetic and I couldn't look away. "You must think I am crazy, to just stare like this. I just wanted to give you that compliment."

I finally could look down for a second when I brought my eye back up it seemed I had found my sense. "Well thank you, do you usually go around staring at and complimenting women who aren't your wife? Or is this always your opening line? Assholes like you are all the same." I nodded toward his hand.

He didn't turn away or bow his head in shame. He didn't smile like a douche bag. It would have been easier if he had done those things. He kept his sincere face, looked in my eyes and said "No."

"I haven't asked you to get a room with me or to take off your clothes and let me fuck you till your knees gave out. I just gave you a compliment."

It was inappropriate; I could hear anger and sarcasm in his voice. A crass way of being honest but also telling; truthfully I was being a bitch. "I apologize I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, and my bad day is no excuse. My name is Torrie," I stuck out my hand. "Let me get the next one." I gave an apologetic smile. He took hand and gave it a gentle but firm shake." I am Ignacio, but most people call me Carlo my middle name. I am a little on edge too, but seeing you made me feel better. That was until you verbally kneed me in the balls." I laughed.

"I can't blame it all on you, my mama taught me it was rude to stare. So, accept my apology for that. How about we pay for each other's drinks?" His smile was warm sexy sideways smile. Not boyish but it was mischievous.

"Fine with me, what are you having?" I motioned for the bartender.

"Can I pick both?"

"Sure I am no light weight.

"But, are you brave enough? "He met my eyes again with a look that made me ask myself if all he was talking about the drinks.

"I am very competitive don't challenge me. " At that point of was just ten toes deep on the hole we were digging.

The bartender had come over by then Ignacio ordered two shots of Partida tequila chilled. I hadn't taken a shot in it seemed like ages. The bartender was generous with the shot, it was more like 1 ½ . We toasted to better days, and then bottoms up.

It was a toast to the beginning of the end.

****** We had left pappasitos after talking about our bad days and another round of shots. Ignacio told me about another quite bar in hotel Derek, I followed him. I knew I should have just went home but I felt so good. He had touched my thigh in the restaurant not in a sexual way in a drunk let me lean on you real quick way. At the new bar something had changed. It seemed like he had made a decision during the drive. He ordered our drinks and we continued, this time it seems a different tone was in the air.

"Am I making you uncomfortable, Torrie?" he asked me with his head down

"No I feel real relaxed thank you for the drinks." I smiled and put my hands on the bar and focused on my drink.

"I don't know what I am doing here with you...ever since I stared at you the first day gym...I am not thinking straight I'm just taking action on what I feel." He had looked up at me.

"I know, I don't think we should be here. We don't know each other this is so random. Sure you may be attracted, there is chemistry. We had a good time but now, you can walk away. We can walk away and nobody is hurt, only if we do it now." I was begging him to let me out .

I turned to face him and he had moved so close his thigh was between mine. He pushed his leg further bringing it in contact with my pussy. Every little move he made it brushed against it. He had to be doing it on purpose.

"Ok, let's go. Get up and leave Torrie. Get up before I tell you want I really want." He locked his eyes on mine.

I had to be so tipsy that it didn't matter he had spread my legs wider making my skirt raise to my upper thighs. Ignacio definitely was now purposely rubbing his knee against my pussy making me wet. I never moved away or slapped him.

Now, he was looking in my eyes telling me how he wanted to fuck me.

"I wanted you at the gym, Torrie, I saw the way your body twisted with each step on ur machine. I saw how your breast moved with each hop. I saw the sweat all over you and your pretty eyes. I wanted to fuck you in the locker room. I wanted to fuck you in front of all those people" He was serious.

"Go home and fuck your wife." I begged.

"I did. I didn't think about you anymore. Not till I saw you again." He had an edge like he was mad life was tempting him, testing him and he was losing.

We were at the corner of the bar. So my body was shielded from almost everybody by the bar. My face was not, and nobody was deaf. I could hear little moans escaping me, but I just didn't care. "I want to fuck you now, right now."

He had moved his knee back I felt his hands moving towards my heat, I was burning up. When his hand moved my panties to the side I let out a low cry.

The bartender shot me a look. This time I found enough sense to be embarrassed. Ignacio did not relent; I felt his finger slide into me. I felt his thick finger slide out of me. It was like being around people made me more aware of my body; because I had to prepare myself to keep my reactions under control. I felt his finger slide into me again, I moaned softly as he curled his finger in me. My left hand was gripping the bar my right around his wrist. As if I was trying to stop him, but I couldn't put any force behind it.

He pulled his finger out I could hear my wetness against the movement. The bartender was staring as he dipped it quickly in his drink. He brought it out and tasted my juices mixed with his Hennessey black. "It's a good mix, but I think it would be better as a chaser, why don't you finish that drink." He looked at me like it wasn't an option. I finished my pom margarita while he gulp down the rest of his drink. He pulled me up into him. I had to spare a glance for the stool; I just knew I left a wet spot. I felt him pulling my skirt down, while he was in still front of me, a gesture to save me embarrassment I guess. My nipples were at full attention evident through my blouse. They were brushing against his chest making me hotter. I had to gain some control before I fucked him on the bar.

I moved his hands away with a little force, "I can do that myself I do have some class left in me, to make sure I don't stumble out of here like some drunk half dressed hoe." I scowled. This had gone far enough. sure I was drunk but I refused to be a hoe for some married man. Yes he just fingered me at a hotel bar but you can always draw a line right? His dick didn't penetrate me yet, so I could salvage some of my dignity. I just needed to find another gym. I walked towards the restrooms

"Torrie, I know you are not a slut." He half tripped over his feet to come after me.

"I didn't say slut Ignacio I said hoe. Hoes fuck with married men." too much tequila always made me feisty. It needed to be said. I walked in to the women's restroom.

"I, I am a little drunk I don't know why I kept pushing this. I just can't stop it's too late." He had followed me in.

I knew what was coming I could see the imprint of his dick starting towards the leg of his suit pants. I just knew he was about to turn me around and fuck me against the wall. He walked me back to the wall I felt it when my back met it. I could see our reflection in the mirror on the side. He tried to kiss my lips but I turned my head. Too intimate. This was going to go down into my place where I kept me deep dark secrets, that I didn't tell a soul. It would never be brought up again. I could move on like I never did it.

He moved down to my neck while he unbuttoned my blouse. His lips were soft to the touch on my skin but rough with how he was using them. Like an animal. I heard his teeth tear some of the lace on my bra. I pushed his face into my breast like his aggression was channeling into me. I didn't care when he ripped the middle apart. Watching my breast spring free in the reflection turned me on so much, I was so hot my hand instinctively went to my skirt. He must have read my mind because he pulled my skirt up so fast I heard the split rip farther up towards my ass. He pushed his finger back in me in and then out. He added another while he made his way to my belly button. I began to shimmy out my panties to save them from being ripped too.

Just in time. His mouth was on me. The tip of his tongue grazing my already swollen clit it was sticking out ready to help with my release. He moved his tongue against it while still fingering me. I took it upon myself to raise one leg on his shoulder. I pushed his face deeper to me, "Suck it. Suck it baby yea". He moved his fingers and wrapped my other leg around his shoulders. In the mirror I could see my chocolate globes bouncing as I jerk from pleasure it turned me on even more. I brought my hands up to rub and pinch my nipples. I was about to come.

All I could see of Ignacio was his hair peeking up above my thighs. His head was moving from side to side rapidly. Each turn grazing his tongue against my sensitive bud. He was driving me insane. I was grinding my hips into his face like I didn't care if he could breath. I had lost all reason, I didn't care there was no lock on the door. No one came in that I could tell, but if they did I wouldn't have cared, I was going to fuck this man. I was going to fuck the shit out of him. My pussy ached to be filled, It was past the point of return. I creamed all over his face and wouldn't let his head move till I finished. He looked up at me with a grin. I thought he was setting my legs to the floor but he hooked them around his waist as he came up. "Mmm sweet and aggressive, now it's my turn to show you what aggression means. And you will like it."

I had no doubt. I could feel him pressed against me, it felt thick. I quivered with need, I needed to feel him in me. I wanted him -at this point- in every way. My mouth watered with the thought of taking him in my mouth. My need to be filled was taking precedence though. I heard his pants fall to the floor. The belt echoing in the empty rest room as it hit the floor. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard foil tear, at least one of us has a brain.

When he entered me I let out a cry so loud anyone in the vicinity heard. Ignacio only spared me a few slow strokes as he began his assault. He brought his hand up to my neck slightly pinning my head back against the wall. Then he slid his hand down between my legs again and played with my clit. "Oh God..." was all that escaped me. He leaned down and bite my shoulder, I yelped quietly. He bent further and took my nipple in his mouth sucking hard I cried out again at the pressure, the pain felt so good. His tongue circled it then he bite and sucked right above is causing me to jerk. "Shit!"

He began picking up speed and force, pounding me against the wall. He brought a hand back up to my neck and applied pressure. I couldn't breathe, my breath was getting caught in my throat. Not because he was choking me; because he was mercilessly pounding me into the wall. It was endless. I had stopped making sound a long time ago when had he moved his hand back under me to spread my ass cheeks to go in deeper. I felt his fingers close to my other tight spot, spreading me as far as I could go. He was like a machine. I loved watching him work in the mirror, the clench of his muscles as he pushed inside me like he was trying to get lost. I held on for dear life as I came again, wrapping my arms around his neck. Tears running down my face, it was buried in his shoulder. I turned my head to bite his ear, I hear him moan my name. I tightened around him and I felt him tense under me and came after me. I didn't know how much longer my legs could grip around him. We slid to the floor tangled in each other.

I don't know how long we stayed that way. I made the first move shakily getting to my feet. I felt lucky that my panties were still around my ankle, I leaned my back against the wall and pulled them up slowly. I tucked my ripped bra in my purse, then buttoned my blouse. My nipples were even more noticeable; my breast jiggled with ever move since they were now free under my shirt. I closed my jacket and pulled down my skirt, thankful the rip stopped b4 it got to my ass. I smoothed my hair as best I could trying to look respectable as a woman who just got banged in the restroom can. I walked out without a word to the man I just fucked in a hotel bar restroom. He had began to collect himself I could feel his eyes on me but I refused to acknowledge them. I walked out into the bar was completely dark it had close. I was now positive the bartender had come to check and heard us. It must be pretty late.

Part of me had the urge to walk back in and tell him was could go another round we were even more alone.

No.

I walked to my car quickly, I had sobered enough to drive. I'd rather risk it then call someone and have them asking me questions. I could smell him all over me, his cologne, his sweat, and that musk everyman has mixed to make his own sexy scent. I had to get him off me, I had to lock it away. I knew I couldn't erase it and forget. At least I could cleanse my outside. The warm water ran over my body as I scrubbed away every trace of him I could think of. My left nipple felt tender every time I went over it. When I was as clean as I felt possible, I stepped out the oil myself. Replacing him with my own comforting smells, "I am still good. I am still good." I repeated it was a chant, a mantra the more I said it the more I could force myself to believe it.