Shame Ch. 02

He kissed me and I let him. I parted my lips so his tongue dipped into my mouth. I wanted to taste him, his lips were salty from sweat. The line that I wouldn't cross the previous night had disappeared. I begin crying again, this time because what he said was true. I did think about him. I had the feeling I would let him do whatever he wanted to me, wherever. The tears made the wind freeze on my face. My ears were beginning to hurt from being outside too long. I wanted him to push me inside the car, face down, then yank my sweats to my knees. I wanted to feel him slide in and out of me roughly. I felt his hands going under my jacket. I was nearing the point of no return; I had to give us a reality check.

"Please don't make me...That doesn't matter Ignacio. You made a vow and I made a promise. I won't let this happen, we are adults. We can't just do things cause they feel good!" I felt him tense up again and his hands stopped moving.

He backed away looking in my eyes; I saw the look in his had changed. I had brought up his vows. He looked like I slapped him in the face. Those deep brown eyes were filled shame, but they still had lust in them. At least he had shame too, maybe we could both be stronger than this pull we have.

"I love my wife," he struggled with his words. "I- I love my family. I didn't search for you

Torrie, we just crossed paths. You are right...I'm being selfish. It doesn't matter that now, since that night, ache for you." He backed up two more steps running his hand over his face. Letting out an exasperated sigh, he stared at me. I looked back in silence. I wouldn't confirm I ached for him too, not aloud. He looked towards the gym. I did too. We were being careless just like the night before, had anyone seen?

"Bye, Ignacio." I turned to get in my car. I locked the door once I got in, just in case he came back. I wouldn't have the strength to stop if he did. I watched him jog back inside and his hood fell. He looked back as I backed my 350z out of the space. Without his hood I could see his face clearly. It was full of longing; I prayed mine wasn't clear as his. I continued glancing at him in my rearview mirror until I turned on the street.

Deep down I knew that this wasn't the end, nothing is that simple. Why did we have to look back? That was very telling... Just like the overcast sky something was coming. A storm that was cold and unforgiving.

*****

I was going to spend December and the beginning of January at James's house. Since the holidays were coming, we knew we would be together a lot anyway. He and I lived on opposite sides of town, so this arrangement would be convenient. I was excited. We were going to decorate his house and get a tree. Last year we did the separate holiday thing, meeting up, and then going our separate ways. It would also be testing out living together. We didn't say it out loud but we both were thinking it.

After I left the gym, I went to the mall to clear my head and browse. Today was moving in day; I didn't want to bring that conversation home with me. The holiday season always made me happy, people seemed nicer. I loved the decorations; the forest green, blue and gold was sparkling from wall to wall. The Christmas music blasted through the speakers of the mall; they started earlier every year it seemed. I loved feeling like I was in a wonderland. I looked at gifts for James and my family. I was just getting ideas. Filling my head with other things helped to push Ignacio out my mind, but not completely.

I found myself thinking about the situation as I passed through the stores. I had been cheated on before, a long time ago in college. I remembered the hurt and betrayal I felt. I thought I was going to marry that guy and live happily ever after. That all went out the window when the other woman confronted me, in the student center. She was mad that I wouldn't let him go so she could have him to herself. Obviously, I couldn't handle him. What a dumb bitch. I almost got kicked out of school that day for whooping her ass. My world was crushed. I cried and yelled, while the guy acted like nothing was really wrong. He was a man; accept it. At least I was his number one. I slapped him. I couldn't be that stupid woman. I stopped with the assholes that day and didn't give second chances.

I wouldn't be that girl, acting like I had rights to Ignacio. He didn't belong to me. Wait. I didn't want him, and wouldn't have him. I needed to change my way of thinking, He was the past. I had the car, I had the job, and the boyfriend who was great. The boyfriend would never push me or force me. We hadn't even had a real serious argument yet. I would not ruin it for a man I didn't know and had no future with.

I needed James, he kept me in line. He didn't have to be aggressive. I listened because I knew he was right. I knew we could make a family together. I could see the house and the 2 kids with him. He had a great job, as a corporate lawyer. He handsome, he had the whole package. No. I would not be stupid.

I left the mall ready to move forward. I looked up at the clouds hoping the sun would break through as a sign, that the same thing could happen in my life. I loved the sky no matter what the weather was, to me it always looked beautiful and interesting.

I watched happy families coming and going. They looked picture perfect. I wondered if everyone was being honest in that family. I wondered if they were really as happy as they looked. I also wondered if I saw Ignacio out with his family would they look just as perfect and happy?

I shook myself and headed to my car, enough with this thinking of him. It was time to go play house.