Shane and Carmen: The Novelization Ch. 15

"Very last point. Grafton, the owner of the general store, has a dog. Wilson is so evil that every time he enters the store or stands up, what you see is this poor dog getting up, head down, tail between its legs, leaving the room. It's a small thing, but look for it. Even the barroom dog hates Wilson. It'll make you laugh. Okay, that's all I have. Thank you all for listening."

The audience applauded, and Shane, Alice, Tina and Bette stood up, giving Carmen a standing ovation. In a moment, the rest of the audience joined them on their feet.

***

That night as they got ready for bed, Shane said, "You know, babe, you were really amazing today. We were all impressed as hell about how great you were, and you know who was more impressed than anybody? Tina. She probably knows more about the movie business than any of the rest of us, since she's so deeply involved in it, but she said you knew stuff even she didn't know."

Carmen had showered and was laying on her back on the big double bed. She was wearing only a sleeveless T-shirt, as was Shane. Carmen never wore bottoms, because she didn't like anything on her legs. Shane usually wore tops and bottoms to bed, but the jockeys always came off so fast and so often she soon dispensed with them at night, and bottomless became their usual nighttime sleepwear. Carmen had one knee bent and the other leg crossed over it and swaying idly.

"Thanks," Carmen said. "Tina's really sweet. But I know and she knows that she knows tons more than I do about movies and movie-making. She's been in the business longer than I have."

"Well, maybe," Shane said. "But you have these great public speaking skills. You can stand up in front of an auditorium with 500 people in it and talk for an hour. I couldn't even get up on stage like that, much less talk."

"Well, you have other skills," Carmen said sexily, "and I'm hoping you'll give me a hands-on demonstration of what they are right now."

Shane grinned at her. "Let me brush my teeth first," she said, and left the room to go to the bathroom. Carmen watched her bare butt go through the door and down the hallway.

"Shane," she called out, using the voice of Brandon De Wilde. "Come back, Shane! Mother wants you!" She heard Shane growl down the hall; Shane still didn't like that line much. Carmen chuckled.

"Come back, Shane! Mother wants some pussy! She wants you, Shane! And Pa, he wants to watch. And I want to kiss and lick and eat your cunt, too! Come back, Shane, come back." Down the hall she could hear Shane brushing her teeth and laughing with a mouthful of toothpaste foam.

"Come back, Shane! Mother wants you to fingerfuck her cunny! And she wants you to make her squirt. Come back, Shane! Come back! Mother says you have the best-tasting twat in the whole valley. She sucked all the other homesteader wives' pussies, and she says yours is by far the freshest, tastiest, most peach-flavored--"

No one would ever know how Carmen intended to end that sentence, for at that moment Shane came flying into the bedroom, laughing, and jumped on the bed, straddling Carmen and pulling her arms up over her head and pinning her down. Carmen shrieked and squealed until her mouth was silenced by Shane's kisses, by her tongue, her hunger. Carmen spread her legs wide, letting Shane come between them until they were vulva to vulva.

"You are soooo going to get it," Shane whispered, looking down into the dark, glistening pools of Carmen's eyes.

"Oh, I'm really countin' on it, tall, lean, mysterious stranger. Ever since I seen you come ridin' inter the valley, I says to myself, now there's a buckaroo can really buck my roo."

Shane laughed. "I am so gonna buck your roo."

"Talk's cheap, cowpoke. Stop jawin' and lemme see what you got."

That night Carmen was rode hard and put away wet. Twice.

***

The following Sunday morning they had brunch with the Friends at The Planet. When Shane and Carmen came in there were only three people at the table: Dana and her girlfriend Lara, the chef, and baby Angelica, who was being bounced on Lara's knee.

"Hey, guys," Carmen said. "Where is everybody?" She leaned over and kissed Angelica and stuck her face into her neck, making chomping, eating sounds. The baby laughed and gurgled and held her arms out to Carmen, whom she loved without reservation. Carmen had babysat Angelica more than anyone else since she was born four months ago, and there was a special bond between them. When Carmen sat down Lara handed Angelica to her, and Carmen stood her on her knee and flirted and played with her as Shane leaned in and kissed the baby's cheek.

"Bette and Tina just got here a minute ago. Tina had to go to the bathroom and Bette's making a phone call. They'll be back in a minute."

Carmen turned Angelica around and made her wave at Dana by holding her arm. "Say hello to Dana, Angelica," Carmen said.

Dana held up her arms to receive Angelica. "My turn," she said, giving the baby some snuggle love. "Oh, yeah! Woohoo!"

"How'd it go with your folks?" Shane asked Dana.

Dana sighed. On the previous Thursday she had told them she was a lesbian and that Lara was more than just a casual friend. It was a moment that had been building for months, and which the group had talked about almost endlessly. Carmen, too, had not come out to her mother, and it was something she and Dana talked about privately as well as with the Friends.

"I wouldn't say my parents are happy about it, necessarily, I would just say that they've ... they've accepted it, sort of in their own way," Dana said.

"Yeah, they don't try and fix you up with guys anymore, so that's good," Lara said.

Dana nodded. "That's good. You making any progress, Carmen? You and Shane have been together for a while now."

Carmen was spreading cream cheese on a bagel. "The whole, uh, coming-out-to-your-parents-in-a-Mexican-family, that stuff? Mm-mmm, there's something about it. It doesn't really play."

"No," Shane put in with a hint of reproach. "So you just stay in the closet."

"No, sweetheart," Carmen said.

Shane smiled but stuck to her guns. "Yes."

"You don't just stay in the closet," Carmen said. "There are certain things that are understood, and it is understood that we do not talk about those things. Like, I have this Uncle Papi. He borrowed his sister's prom dress one year, and uh, what he did with that prom dress, we don't know. And guess what? We don't ask."

Bette and Tina returned to the table. They were in the middle of a conversation of their own. "I found it disconcerting, that's all," Tina said to Bette as she sat down.

"Why? What's wrong with 'clit'?" Bette asked. That got everyone's attention.

"It's a little graphic," Tina said. "I prefer that our therapist use a more neutral language."

"So 'clit' made you uncomfortable?"

"A little, yeah."

"What about 'cunt,'" Bette asked. "Do you have a problem with 'cunt'?" She turned to Angelica and made a funny face at her. "Hey, Boo Boo!"

Dana held Angelica up and said, "Look who it is!" Angelica gurgled and laughed and responded to one of her two mommies and holding her arms out, much as she had done for Carmen.

"It's not my favorite word," Tina said, still on topic.

"Mama," Dana said, handing Angelica to a smiling Bette.

"Hi!" Bette said, giving the baby a big wet snuggle kiss.

"Actually, I like 'pussy,'" Tina said, selecting a croissant from a plate on the table.

"Oh. Hear! Hear! I love pussy," Carmen laughed, making a joke and turning to Shane. But Shane leaned forward and pointed to Angelica with a frown.

"Excuse me," she said.

"Hmm?" Carmen said, not getting the problem, if there was one.

"Shane, it's not as though she can really understand what we're talking about," Tina put in, defending Carmen.

"You don't know that," Shane said.

Dana was a little mystified. "What are you -- what are you talking about?"

"Well, Tina has a problem with the word 'clit,'" Bette explained, "which I find somewhat troubling, and she's also not too fond of 'cunt.'" She looked at Tina, who glared back at her. No one at the table but Lara was sure if they were still talking about word choices or maybe something else entirely.

Lara picked up the theme, oblivious to the mood. "Oh, my god, I love the word 'cunt,'" she said. "I get totally hot."

"No! You do?" Dana asked, surprised.

"Yeah! Don't you?"

Dana shrugged. "I--" she started to say, but Bette rescued her.

"Well, what words do you use?" she asked Dana.

Dana opened her mouth to respond, but stopped, then tried again, but came up empty.

"'Pussy' works for me," Shane said.

"Mm-hmm," Carmen agreed. "'Beaver' is also fun sometimes and I like 'twat.'"

Everyone laughed.

Carmen turned to Shane, laughing and leaning in almost to kiss her. "Actually, I really like 'twat'! You know that."

Shane laughed and wrinkled her nose back at Carmen, grinning, "I know," she said suggestively.

"Aww, babe!" Carmen said, giving Shane a peck on the lips as everyone laughed.

"See, I just grew up in a world of euphemisms," Tina said, "like 'down there,' 'nether regions,' 'private parts,' 'naughty bits'... 'Uh oh, don't touch your no-no!'"

Dana laughed. "I was the same way. 'Private parts,' 'lady parts,' 'it.'"

Alice came into The Planet and approached the table behind Dana and Lara. Everybody else saw her before Dana did. They knew that Alice was in love with Dana, had been for a while, and was having a hard time dealing with Dana's relationship with Lara. In fact, it had made Alice about as nuts as they'd ever seen her. Alice surprised Dana when she came up behind her and jumped right into the conversation. "Then who came up with 'peeper'?"

Dana turned and looked at Alice and laughed.

Alice grinned back. "Peeper! Peeper, peeper, peeper," she said manically. It was like Alice couldn't stop, and it embarrassed the group.

"Mama T," Bette said to Tina, hoping to divert attention by handing Angelica to her, "why don't you feed her for a while, I think she's hungry."

"She's fine," Tina said, confused about what Bette was trying to do. But she took Angelica anyway and kissed her.

Alice still thought the topic was hilarious, and knelt down by Dana. "Peeper, peeper, peeper! 'Touch my peeper, Al. Nobody touches my peeper like you do.'"

Dana and Lara were getting annoyed, but Alice grinned. Bette frowned at Alice's behavior. She knew Alice was upset, but she was also out of control and loosing it.

"Oh, look what happens to my peeper when it touches your peeper. It's a wet peeper!" Alice said, unable to stop. It was like a disease.

"Alice," Shane said, trying to calm Alice down or warn her off. But it was too late.

Dana stood up, pulling on Lara's arm. "We're gonna go," she said, clearly irritated and embarrassed.

"It's a wet, wet peeper," Alice said, with a sad, sick smile on her face.

Dana and Lara got their sweaters and purses and started to leave. "You win, Al," Dana said, both mad and sad.

Alice stood and watched them go, smiling. "Peeper," she said, smiling brightly. When Dana and Lara were gone, Alice's face fell, she hung her head and sighed, knowing she had misbehaved but was unable to stop herself.

Tina held up Angelica and said, "Oh, baby, say hello to Auntie Alice."

Bette broke in. "Mama T, can you just put her - really, just put her --"

"Say hello!" Tina told Angelica, ignoring Bette. "Say hello! Say hello!"

Bette frowned but said nothing. Alice slumped down into a seat dejectedly and crossed her arms in front of her on the table.

"So, what are you on now?" she asked Alice quietly.

"I'm on methylphenidate," she said, referring to the generic name for Ritalin, the drug often used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. "Possible side effects" -- she coughed-- "include Tourette's." She sighed, hoping that perhaps the drug would excuse her behavior.

Bette looked at her, worried.

"It's okay," Tina said softly. "We're all a little stressed out right now."

Carmen nodded. "Totally." Shane nodded, too.

"Yeah, Tina and I, we have our first home visit with the adoption social worker today."

"Oh, good luck." I hope it goes well," Carmen said.

"Ah, I've got a major event coming up, too," Shane said. "I'm going to meet Carmen's mother."

"Oh, great!" Tina said.

"And have dinner with her entire family," Shane added.

"And?" Carmen turned to her and prompted her to keep speaking.

"And I've agreed for Carmen's sake I'm gonna act straight."

Bette laughed.

Carmen did too, and held out her hands. "Who wins?" she asked, rhetorically.

"You win," Tina said, nodding.

"Yeah, you win," Bette added.