Shane and Carmen: The Novelization Ch. 16

"Such a pretty girl, too," Mercedes said, still working and serving up food with masterful precision.

Anna came back into the kitchen and took a casserole dish Patty handed her.

"Don't you think she's pretty?" Mercedes asked Anna, gesturing with her ladle toward Shane.

"Yes, mom, she's very pretty," Anna said dutifully, looking at Shane and slyly winking to her as she took the casserole into the dining room.

"Thank you," Shane said quietly, blushing.

"Chane! Carmen says that you're a hairdresser?" Mercedes said, half statement and half question.

"I am," Shane said, grateful for something she could actually answer.

Mercedes studied Shane thoughtfully. "Uh ... who does your hair?"

Shane's hair was exactly the way it nearly always was, which is to say, shaggy, disorganized, semi-combed, and a little wild. It was the typical Shane look, the typical everyday Shane hair-do. She saw Carmen glance at her mother with a frown.

"Oh, I do," Shane said, uncertainly.

It was Anna's turn to save her. "It's the look, mama."

Patty's husband Carlos walked into the kitchen.

"Yeah. It's the bomb," he said.

"Do you know cousin Evi?" Mercedes asked.

"No, I don't believe I do," Shane said.

"Mom, this is the first time she's met anyone in our family," Carmen said.

"Evi's an assistant hairdresser," Anna told Shane. "She works downtown at Jose's Hair Experience."

"That's - that's very cool," Shane said.

"Your family, Chane, they live in Los Angeles? You see them all the time?"

"¿Por que le preguntas tant,o mami, please?" Carmen asked Mercedes. (Why are you asking her so many questions?)

"Carmen--" Mercedes tried to answer.

"Please, mom, c'mon!" Carmen said. But Shane could tell that Mercedes was just curious and being friendly and maternal, and she decided she didn't mind talking. Mercedes had a way about her of putting Shane at ease. And Mercedes had finished her work and came to her and pushed her into the dining room.

"Uh, actually, I'm from Austin, Texas. And I think my family are still there."

As they sat down Mercedes looked at Shane, not quite understanding. "You think? Uh, you don't know where your family is?"

"I - I just haven't seen them in a while," Shane said. Those members of the family who weren't already seated at the table came in and sat down.

"¿Begonia, qu estan diciendo?" Abuela asked her other daughter. (Begonia, what are they talking about?)

"Um, dice que no ha visto a su familia en mucho tiempo," Begonia told her. (She says that she hasn't seen her family in a very long time.)

Shane looked at them curiously, aware they were talking about her, but she found she wasn't uncomfortable about it. Carmen, however, looked stressed.

"Carmen?" Mercedes asked.

"Hm?"

"I don't understand. Her family ... "

"Uh, oh, well, um, she grew up in foster care since she was nine," Carmen said. "And she's never met her father--"

Mercedes's eyes widened in shock as she realized Shane's situation.

"--and, uh, she hardly knew her mother, either," Carmen continued, "so--"

But if Mercedes was anything, she was maternal to the very depth of her soul. Here was a poor motherless, fatherless orphan. Carmen had never known her father, either, and Patty and Anna were very young when he'd died. Could Mercedes's heart do anything but melt? "Ay, pobrecita!" she cried, grasping the situation. Oh, poor girl! She went to Shane and crushed her to her wide, soft, warm and comfortable bosom. Almost smothered, Shane still had one eye available to see Carmen and Patty rolling their eyes at each other.

"We're your family now," Mercedes said, rocking poor Shane. "Okay? Okay? Tu familia." Your family.

And the most amazing thing of all was Shane's reaction. She adored it. Like mother, like daughter: Mercedes cut through every layer of emotional defense Shane had ever built up in her life. It was as though the stone walls that Shane had built around her own heart all these years had dissolved like a sand castle in the surf, leaving Shane naked and vulnerable to unconditional affection, this other, second kind of love. Shane hadn't experienced maternal love in so long it was as though it had never existed, just like she had never truly experienced romantic love before she'd met Carmen. Mother and daughter were both in their own ways ravaging Shane's emotional defenses, sparking new emotions that were beyond her previous experience. And as she loved the one new kind of love Carmen was teaching her, so she craved this other kind that Mercedes was teaching her, too.

"Thank you!" Shane muttered, smothered in Mercedes' breast.

When she caught sight of Carmen, she saw a tremendous smile both of happiness and I-told-you-so satisfaction on her face.

"Gracias, thank you," Shane said, joyfully blushing.

***

At one point during dinner, which was filled with much talk and laughter and familial love, Shane looked up to find Patty staring at her thoughtfully. She could read Patty's mind, and a silent, secret conversation began.

Patty: So you're the woman my sister's fallen in love with. You're the one she's sleeping with.

Shane: Yes.

Patty decided she liked Shane, so she nodded and then winked at her. Shane grinned, understanding she'd won some sort of seal of approval.

Carmen noticed them communicating with their looks and glances, and looked puzzled.

Carmen raised an eyebrow: Okay, what are you two guys talking about now?

Patty looked around to make sure no one else was watching, and then taunted her sister. She stuck her tongue out and licked her lips, indicating eating something delicious. It was also intended to signify something sexual and dirty, and Carmen had to look away blushing. But Patty understood the reply: Yes, I eat her pussy.

Shane caught their exchange, but didn't understand what they were signaling. She looked at Carmen questioningly. Carmen, also glancing around to make sure no one was looking, casually flicked a finger at Shane then herself, then pointed her right index finger into the circle of her left thumb and index finger, the universal sign for fucking. It made Patty laugh, which she covered by immediately switching to a cough.

"Patty, are you okay?" Mercedes asked with concern as Patty's husband patted her on the back.

"Yes, mama, something just went down, you know, the wrong way," Patty said. Carmen had to clench her jaws to keep from laughing, and Shane just tried desperately to concentrate on her food.

"Chane, be sure to save some room," Mercedes said. "I made my special dessert for you!"

Shane groaned and tried to protest; Mercedes had already forced twice as much food on her as she normally ate. "Gee, I don't know," she tried, but Mercedes would have none of it.

"You will love it, Chane," Mercedes said. "It is so good!" She stood and took her plate into the kitchen, where she also went to get the dessert plates and the flan.

Shane looked at Carmen helplessly, with a sad, regretful look in her eyes. And Carmen knew exactly what Shane was thinking: She was already bloated and sleepy with too much food in her stomach, and now she was going to be forced to eat dessert, too. And the worse thing was, when they got home, tonight was supposed to be Cherry Cobbler Night. But there was no way, just no way.

***

After dinner Shane helped clear the dining room table and insisted on helping to dry and put away the dishes, silverware and pans. This endeared her even more to Mercedes, of course, but it was no calculated stunt on Shane's part: This was how she was, and living with Carmen had caused some of Carmen's incredible work ethic and sense of cleanliness and order to rub off on Shane. But mostly she just wanted to be close to Mercedes, to bask in her affection.

When everything was put away, Mercedes commanded Shane to follow her upstairs, Carmen trailing in their wake with amused but puzzled expression on her face. Mercedes led them to Carmen's old bedroom at the front of the house overlooking the street. Carmen knew that since she'd moved out this was turned into a guest bedroom and storage area.

"Mom, what are we doing in here?" Carmen asked as Mercedes turned on the bedroom overhead light.

"Marisela's quinceañera is next Friday. Chane has to come," Mercedes said going to the walk-in closet and searching for something.

"Mother, no, please," Carmen objected.

"Si!" came Mercedes muffled voice from the closet.

"Wha - what's a quincera?" Shane asked.

"A quinceañera. It's like a ... uh ... sweet 15," Carmen said.

"Ohh."

From the closet came Mercedes' voice: "En Mexico es una tradicion muy importante. And I have something for you."

"It's this religious ceremony," Carmen explained. "It starts in church, and then it becomes a huge party with gowns, and a tiara, and bouquets, and the whole thing. It's like halfway between a prom and a debutante's coming-out and a confirmation. A Latina bat mitzvah. I've actually DJ-ed a bunch of them."

"Cuando era su edad, era flaco como usted. Believe it or not," Mercedes said.

"She says she used to be skinny, just like you," Carmen translated. "¿Cuándo eras delgada, mamita? I don't remember that!" (When were you thin, mom?)

"¿Donde está el vestido que usé para la quinceañera de mi hermana Begonia?" Mercedes asked, still rummaging madly through the closet. (Where is the dress I wore to my sister Begonia's quinceañera?)

Carmen held Shane's face in her hands and looked into her eyes. They were seconds away from kissing when Mercedes shot back out of the closet holding up a long, white dress. Shane and Carmen jumped apart without Mercedes noticing.

"Ah! Aqui esta! How pretty!" Mercedes said, holding it up.

"Oh, that's beautiful!" Shane said, admiring the laced-covered dress. And it really was beautiful.

Mercedes went to Shane and held the gown up against her. Shane held it against herself while Mercedes fiddled with it, tugging it this way and that and adjusting it to see if it would fit Shane.

"Eh, no, " Shane mumbled when she at last understood she was being fitted. Carmen just laughed.

"You know, I think that it would look a lot better on Carmen," she tried.

"Oh, no, no, no," Carmen and her mother both protested simultaneously.

"No," Mercedes continued. "Carmen is like this--" she made a curvy hourglass shape with her hands -- "you like that." She made a vertical shape, indicating Shane's flat-chested skinniness. Mercedes shook her head with sadness. "Como yo esta era." (Like how I was.) Mercedes kept fiddling and estimating while Shane stood with a blank face, staring at Carmen, who held a hand over her mouth to mask the grinning.

"Well, maybe not so skinny. You have a boyfriend, Chane?" Mercedes asked.

This time it was Shane who had to smile. "Not yet," she said, quite truthfully.

"Oh, you will. Put it on," Mercedes commanded. "I go get my sewing kit."

Oh, shit, Shane thought, but it was way too late. Mercedes was out of the room, closing the door behind her so Shane could change.

"My mother loves you!" Carmen said, coming close and laughing.

"I know she does. And I love her--" she said.

"Oh, my gosh!" Carmen delighted.

"--but please don't make me do this. Don't make me wear this--"

"Oh, please, you have to put it on. Oh, babe," Carmen kissed Shane on the mouth and began unbuttoning Shane's shirt. As always, Shane wore no bra.

"What are ... you ... doing ... she's gonna ... come in," Shane mumbled while still awkwardly maintaining the kiss.

Carmen was not to be denied. She pulled Shane's shirt halfway off, and Shane, topless, her nipples stiff, kissed her back. But fear of discovery took over and she began to push Carmen away before things got out of hand. "Don't, don't, don't," she pleaded.

"Hey, it's okay," Carmen said as she pulled Shane's shirt completely away. She tried to put her arms around Shane, who struggled away.

"But you feel so good," Carmen protested, still kissing until she finally gave in to it -- and then it was Carmen who suddenly pulled away, picking up the gown and holding it to Shane's chest.

"Aw, Carmen, don't make me do this," she begged, but Carmen held the dress up to slip it over Shane's head.

"Put your hands in. It's okay. Please, for me. C'mon."

Shane let Carmen slip the dress on over her head, and when her own head emerged through the neck of the dress she was met by more Carmen kissing. Suddenly they heard the floor in the hall creak and jumped apart just as Mercedes walked in on them.

Carmen stared guiltily at the floor, and Shane looked shocked at being caught red-handed.

"Oh, my goodness!" Mercedes exclaimed holding her hand to her mouth.

Shane 's mind was in her usual turmoil, a million thoughts racing madly as she fought to come up with some explanation. She had only just met Mercedes and now was about to be thrown out onto the street on her ear and told never to come back, evil perverted slut.

But that's not what happened.

"Oh! That is so pretty! Oh!" Mercedes gushed. She had missed the kissing and had only seen how beautiful Shane looked in her old dress.

"Oh! Yeah," Shane sighed, massively relieved. The roaring in her ears died down quickly, and in a corner of the room Ixchel the jaguar goddess rolled onto her back, paws in the air, laughing in a way that only Carmen could hear.

Mercedes began fussing with the dress all over again, even happier than before to see how well it fit. Shane glanced over at Carmen, who seemed shaken that they'd nearly been caught.

"Oh, look at that. Oh," Mercedes marveled, oblivious.

"You know, but this is so generous of you, I -- I kinda feel bad taking it away from you."

Carmen reached out to touch the dress, but stopped herself and took a deep breath.

"Ah, don't be ridiculous. You are familia now, remember?" Mercedes said. She spun Shane around and zipped up the back of the dress. "There!" She looked at Carmen for the first time, for confirmation.

"Yes, si," Carmen nodded.

Shane looked down at herself in the dress. "That's something else. Thank you."

"Mm-hmm!" Mercedes said, admiring the Cinderella she had just created.

***

When they got home, Shane dragged Carmen to stand in front of the refrigerator. Shane opened the freezer, and they both stared at the quart of Haagen Daz vanilla ice cream.

"I hope you don't mind," Shane said, nuzzling Carmen's neck, "but this is as close to the cherry cobbler as I can handle."

"Me, too," Carmen said. She shut the freezer door. "Let's go to bed."

Shane finished brushing her teeth and climbed in beside Carmen, snuggled into their spoon position.

"Thank you," Shane said quietly, kissing Carmen's neck and burying her nose in Carmen's hair.

"You're welcome," Carmen murmured. "But what for?"

"For today. For everything today and tonight, at your mom's. For making me go. For everything, just in general." She left unsaid, "For giving me the family I never had."

"Oh," Carmen said, smiling. "You're welcome."

***

Five of the friends plus Angelica met for brunch at The Planet, and the homily at this Sunday morning's service was nomenclature of the vagina.

"I have a friend in England, and her daughter calls it 'front bottom,'" Tina said, buttering a slice of toast.

"'Front bottom'? Mm, that's twisted," Shane said, sipping her latte.

"I had a girlfriend once -- yes, remember when I had a girlfriend?-- " Alice began, helping herself to a spoonful of self-pity that made Carmen roll her eyes toward Tina and Bette "-- she called it her 'pretty, pink pearl.' P-P-P."

"Not to be confused with 'hairy pee-pee," Carmen said and everyone laughed.

"You know what's really lovely?" Bette asked as she bounced and dandled Anjelica on her knee. "'Yoni.' It's Sanskrit."

"Ewww," Alice said, "No, no. I like a non-Sanskrit trashy thing like 'tongue-trap.'"

"Yeah," Shane affirmed.

"Or 'bald man in a boat,'" Carmen said.

"'Breakfast of champions,'" Shane contributed, her thumbs held up. Everyone laughed.

"'Munchbox,'" Tina said.

"'Wee-wee,'" Bette said into Angelica's ear.

"'Ha ha,'" Carmen offered, and Alice suggested "'Hoo hoo.'"

"'Mimi.'"

Shane: "Fuckhole."

Carmen was laughing so hard Kit walked over to their table, looking uncomfortable.

"What else?" Shane asked the group.

"'Calcunta!'" Alice said.

Everyone howled except Kit, who sat down with a sour expression on her face.

"Hey, Kit," Carmen said, welcoming her.

But Bette and Alice looked at Kit with concern. "What's wrong?" Alice asked, and Bette added, "What's going on?"

"I just found out, I've got menopause," Kit said quietly.

Bette and Alice give each other "uh-oh" looks.

"Oh, Kit. Aw," Carmen said, sympathetically, rubbing Kit's shoulder.

"No, it's okay. No more periods," Tina tried putting a brighter spin on it.

"Yeah, you don't have to take Carrie to the prom anymore," Alice said. Shane chuckled.

"No more mood swings. Eventually," Bette added.

"No more Tampons or pads," Tina said.

"No more Midol or Excedrin or Tylenol or any of that stuff," said Carmen, the Juicyfruit who'd tried them all.

"Yeah. But once the monkey goes south, that's the end of it," Kit said sadly.

"No, Kit, that's not true," Bette told her half-sister. "There are a lot of menopausal women who are very sexually active."

"Yeah, that's true. You can still get it on," said Shane, who had shagged several of them.

"And you are still gonna be doing the hanky-panky 'til the cows come home. Okay?" Carmen patted Kit on the arm with affection.

"Yeah. Get yourself a little hot beef injection tonight and feel better," Alice suggested.

"Shit," Carmen groaned.

"You can dip the chip," Bette said.

"Bang the box," Tina laughed.

"Sweep out your chimney," Carmen said.

"Ah, you can stretch that leather," Shane offered.

"Bump the uglies!" Tina said.

"Dip and dive," Carmen said.

"Shake the sheets," Bette put in.

"Oh, crack the nut!" Alice said.

"Get some skank on the hang-low," Bette said with enthusiasm and a growl. Everyone reacted with groans or moans.

"Ride the baloney pony," Alice said.

"All right!" Kit objected, finally getting into it herself. "Give that dog a bone!"

"There ya go!" Carmen said, grinning.

"Shuck the oyster, baby!" Tina said.

"Okay, um, um, put some beef in yo' taco!" Carmen joined in as everyone else laughed.

"Ride that beef bus to Tuna Town," Shane said as everyone groaned.

Carmen leaned over and gave Shane a peck on the lips. "That was so sexy," she said sarcastically. "I'm glad you said that." It made Shane laugh and kiss her back.

"I got one," Kit said. "The lips between the hips."

"Furry monkey," Shane said.

"Smurf crease," Carmen said.

"Bearded oyster," Bette said.

"Bikini biscuit," Alice said.

Carmen's turn."Cooter?"

"And, uh, cherry pie," Shane said.

"Cat flaps," Alice said, which made Tina laugh.

"Cha-cha," Shane said.

"Hairy goblet," Carmen said. "Mmm, that's hot."

"The Grand Canyon," Tina said.

"Oh, here's another one," Kit said. "Fish taco."

"Oh, I got a good one," Shane said. "Cream collector."

"Goodie bag?" Carmen asked.

"Wait, how 'bout this one," Kit said. "Box of assorted creams."

"Uh, honey pot," Shane said.

"Dugout," Alice said.

"Love mitten?" Carmen asked.

"Mermaid's purse," Shane said, thinking maybe she'd read that somewhere. She hadn't, but it was the name of an egg case of a skate or ray, and they'd seen some on their Traveling Wilbury beach walks. Carmen had explained to Shane what they were.