She Moves Me Ch. 03

Missing Sochie, I often thought of my stupidity on letting her go. I kept her lime green panties with me in a plastic bag in my purse. They still held her sweet scent. Thoughts of Sochie ruled my fantasies. I desired her firm touch. Yet, I fought these feelings, fought in such a way to deny myself what I craved, which was the power of her control. If she walked in the room at that second, I knew it would take everything in my power to keep from bending to my knees and begging her to forgive me. For as much as submission twisted my psyche, I still needed it like an addict needing a drug. I needed her way of love. Her power combined with tenderness and vulnerability.

Three weeks into the summer term, Tammy came in my office on a sticky June afternoon and sat down.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Fair. You?"

"Mark's been good. Stopped drinking."

"I hope it works out Tammy, but I haven't seen men just stop drinking completely. I'm still afraid it's going to happen again."

"No...really," she said with a forced smile, "he's been great, three years straight now. I think he's going to propose."

Her skirt rode up her thighs; she pulled the hem and wriggled it back down. Tammy's beauty took my breath away at inopportune moments, and I did stare a little. She caught me looking and blushed.

There was a small pause.

"You know I'm miserable, don't you?" I asked.

"It's sorta obvious, Amber."

"It's her."

"I know."

"I fucked up."

"You did."

I looked up at her.

"You want someone to feel sorry for you? Or do you want the truth?" she asked.

It became quiet again.

"Are you ever going to look for her?"

"No, she hates me."

"I don't think so. You are a fool if you don't try."

"It just wasn't to be, Tammy...it's too late."

"Yeah, I suppose it is. Who knows where she is." She paused.

"Looks like you've already given up anyway...must be awful to give up on happiness."

There was a long pause. My chin quivered.

"Do you love her?" she asked.

I looked at her. She looked back, questioning. I nodded, put my face in my hands and cried.

She handed me a tissue and tried to ease the tension. "Mark's going out with the guys, Maeve's tonight?"

Staying away from Maeve's because of the sad memories, I seriously considered venturing back to the place.

"C'mon, I'm no Sochie or Teerza, but I ain't half bad," she teased.

"You're gorgeous, Tammy," I mumbled without thinking.

She flushed, and I noticed something strange. Attraction? For me? Naw, couldn't be. I never thought of Tammy as attracted to females, so I dismissed the thought.

"Okay, meet ya there," I said while wiping my tears away.

"First drink's on me this time. And fix your makeup woman. I can't be seen in public with a messy girl." she said with a wicked smile.

I laughed, and we hugged. "Make mine a shot of Cuervo Gold,"

"You're going to drink straight Tequila?" she asked pulling away. "You'll get drunk."

"That's the plan. Then maybe I'll let someone pick me up."

"Later," she said smiling. I hoped her smile meant she intended to do the picking.

*******

Arriving at the bar, I looked for Tammy. Eventually, I found her sitting with a light-skinned Asian around my age at a secluded table. I thought not to disturb the couple, but she spied me and waved me over.

As Erykah Badu sang NeoSoul, I walked toward the two and noticed how closely they sat.

When I approached, Tammy stood, kissed me on the cheek, and whispered, "It just happened."

I whispered back, "Happy for you."

She pulled back and looked at me with a grin. I nodded and quietly commented, "I thought maybe you liked girls…you devil. Holding out on me all this time?"

With warm feelings of kinship, we both laughed. "Well, I just wasn't sure," she said.

"After this long?"

"Just scared. But you coming out …," she trailed off.

I nodded, understanding her meaning.

She glanced at me, and then to her new friend, "Jin Lee, this beauty is my boss, Amber," she said while pointing her chin back at me. I shook Jin Lee's hand while staring at lily-white perfectly manicured nails.

"Jin Lee's a massage therapist and manicurist," Tammy said. "She promised to give me a discount at her salon." Sitting down by her friend, Tammy beamed like a teenager.

Jin Lee spoke with a deep Asian accent, "Give you too."

"Thanks," I said, "why you're as pretty as a doll."

She winked at me, quickly turning back to Tammy; the two started making eyes at each other and holding hands.

"Well, I can tell when I'm not wanted," I said, causing the two women to turn back to me while giggling.

"Sorry," said Tammy. "We just met...kinda hit it off. Sit down."

Before I could sit, I felt a familiar presence behind me, and heard that voice, "Coffee?"

I knew the voice immediately, looking down to the ground, I whispered, "Sochie."

"Amber," she replied and lightly touched my arm.

Still not turning, I asked, "You...you don't hate me?"

"I wish I could...tried to hate you, but couldn't."

Moving close behind me, she spoke softly in my ear, "Sit with me. I have a table."

Tammy commented, "You better go, I can't put up with you being Eyeore any longer...had a hard enough time finding her for you."

I looked at her questioning, and then it finally sunk in. I said, "Oh, Tammy."

"Go!" she said and smiled. "I'm ready to be left alone."

Her words broke the ice, and all of us laughed. Then I turned and viewed my Sochie, who still caused the hairs on my neck to stand at attention. Time stood still as I wavered dizzily, imbued by the beauty of my former student. She owned some worry lines on her face, sported a nice tan, and weighed a few pounds more. After all this time, I felt lost in her presence. The way she looked at me told me she felt the same.

With no words needed, we held hands while walking to a secluded table for two holding one shot of Cuervo Gold along with a dozen long-stemmed roses.

"For you," she said. "I no longer drink."

We sat at the small table across from each other. I looked at her unable to stop crying. No longer a young girl, she had sprouted into an amazing example of femininity. She didn't say a word, moved her chair next to mine, hugged me, and started crying.

After some teary moments, we laughed at each other. I said, "I'm a mess….really…I fucked up."

"Yes," she said directly.

I felt the stab of her single syllable, and said, "I deserved the comment, Sochie. I've been miserable—an idiot. I've never stopped thinking about you….thought you were gone…lost hope."

She looked at me angrily, and said, "You're so stupid, Amber. I should hate you for what you did to me. I'm not used to rejection. I'm used to getting my way. I started doing drugs, drinking, cocaine, even heroin, had all kinds of sex…really messed up. Went to rehab for two months, a card-carrying member of A. A….clean for a year now. But I'm always so tempted…will be now forever."

"I'm sorry, was it my entire fault?" I asked while looking at the pain in her young eyes.

"You were tough for me, but I can't blame you for all of it. Obviously, I had my own issues. Part of it involved confronting the Aunt who seduced me. She harmed me with her molestation more than I ever realized. Confrontation done...at least the first part is resolved."

She paused.

"Amber," she said, and looked at me, "I was, and still am in some ways, emotionally immature..."

"I understand more than you might think, Sochie."

"Yes. I suppose you do. You know what I am, what I like. Can you accept what I am; how I want you? How I like sex?"

"I looked away from her, willing to do whatever she wanted. I didn't care as long as I had her. "I'll take you however you want me. I love you."

Reaching into my purse, I pulled out her panties and held them up to her. She took them, looked at me momentarily, and asked, "You kept them?"

I nodded.

From her purse, she pulled out a white pair of lacy panties. "I went back to get them from the alley, they still held your smell. I'll never stop loving you, Amber. I never could, you have been the only one ever since I first met you. Only you. All others were just sex—fun, but just sex."

There was a long pause. We said nothing, but said everything. Pain? Yes, pain coupled with forgiveness.

We loved, despite love's unseemly journey.

"And now let's resolve the second issue," I said, while squeezing her hands.

"Yes, fuck coffee," she said with her strong voice, the mix between forceful and kind. I loved her voice, and knew from this day forth, she owned my heart. "Long overdue. Yes…let's go, and don't forget your roses and drink….need to soften you up. I'll take good care of you and love you the way you deserve. Yes, the sex will be as I like it, but you will be worshipped my dear. Worshipped and pleased."

We smiled at each other; I picked up my roses, took my shot and poured it out on the floor.

Smirking, I said, "I don't want to tempt you with the taste of liquor in a few minutes. Will my condominium be okay?"

She nodded, and asked, "This time, no sudden stops along the way?"

"Only the kind that last forever," I said, and kissed her.

She looked at me with such want I shivered, "Forever, Dean?"

I looked down, and said. "Forever...student."

We walked off, oblivious to everything but the sweet touch of two hearts entangled as one.

*****

Epilogue

She Moves Me

She sleeps,
legs spread before me,
pink lips subtly swollen,
slick, moist ...
generous with our love's morning dew,
still dreaming of our nightly joy.

She dreams
of our love,
her lips quietly forming my name,
pursing,
moaning,
kissing me in her sleep.

She breathes―
her breasts rise before me,
full of milk,
slowly beating with the erotic pulse of life,
thick, firm, and tempting,
glowing with a mother's love.

Our baby cries.
My love slowly stirs before me.
Rising nude,
with the slight weight of her pregnancy on her belly,
rubbing her temples, moving quietly,
then holding, cooing, kissing.

I move behind her,
caressing her nipple
and offering it to our baby;
the life force flows—
the force I devoured the night before,
so wanting of my wife's love,

as hungry as our child,
as needing as our infant when she suckles,
our precious little girl,
our dream, our joy, our gift
that drinks so greedily,
biting with the engaging pain of love.

I nuzzle to my wife,
kissing the spot she loves,
holding her breast to our child's mouth,
loving her, loving them.
My fingers finding my wife's moist opening,
my thoughts relishing our night of love.

"Not now, my wife," she whispers,
with voice sweet as honey,
her nectar belying her words,
filling me so completely, I want to burst
with happiness―
our bliss that will never end.

"Okay," I whisper back, and we kiss.
It is a gentle kiss, yet full of our passion, the love
that is ours―of the three of us.
Our baby is only the beginning of the completion,
her siblings will complete our joy,
sate our need, create our family, enable our legacy.

Our child smiles, burps, gurgles happily, contented.
I sigh; they move me so.
Oh, how they move me,
filling my heart, my life.
My wife smiles thoughtfully, breathes contentedly―
she moves me.

The End

******

If you made it this far, thank you.