Shocking the Family

I was missing something, I decided. Eventually, I ended up just sitting with Dad and a couple of harmless uncles, talking about cars, until things got to the stage where we could all slip away.

Back home, Mum and Linda both seemed wrapped in thought, but Dad made straight for the drinks cabinet and offered Mum, me, and Nina a glass of his best Scotch, on the grounds that we all deserved it. It was good Scotch, so far as I could tell, but soon, everyone began reeling out It's-been-a-long-day lines and heading off to bed. Finally, I got Nina alone in our room, where she turned her back on me. "Unzip this, would you, lover?" she asked.

"On one condition," I said, "that you tell me what the fuck has been going on."

"Oh, that," she said, and made a couple of tentative attempts to reach the zip for herself before sighing. "Okay, I guess you're allowed to know a bit of girlie stuff. They forgot to get me to sign the secrecy form."

"Go on."

"It was Linda got us mixed up in this. She went off to the ladies and found the Bride having a little weep in the next cubicle."

"Oops," I said, "second thoughts?"

"Not that bad. And old-fashioned girls are supposed to get a bit weepy on their big day. But yeah, it seemed to be a bit worse than tears of joy. So Linda was feeling out of her depth, but the Bride was telling her not to tell her family. So Linda came back and asked your mum for help."

"And you earwigged the conversation and went along."

"Course I did. Anyway, your mum did the mother thing -- There, there, dear, what's the trouble? -- until the poor girl spilled a bit more."

"What did she say?"

Nina sighed. "She's a good, sweet, church-going girl, you know? She's been keeping her legs crossed for years..."

"Wow," I said, "it was true, then."

"Yeah. And it'd suddenly hit her -- she was married now, and in a few hours, she was going to have to stop being a sweet little virgin and start learning how to shag like a bunny."

"Oops."

"Yeah. I dunno what she thinks Colin is expecting, but she really loves the big twerp, you know? Wants to make him happy forever and ever and all that. So, anyway..." Nina wriggled her shoulders, and I took the hint and unzipped her. She slipped out of the dress, and started putting it on a hanger. "Your mum patted her on the shoulder and made the right noises, but this was a bit heavy for her. She is really cool, you know, your mum, but she embarrasses easy. She was bright red by the time she got to I'm sure that he'll be gentle with you, and Linda needing shooing away, and the Bride needed more than that."

"So?"

"So your mum saw that she was a bit out of her depth, and handed the problem off to me."

"Wuh?"

"Hey, I was the nearest available expert."

"Hang on -- you've been screwing for a couple of months, you tell me that you've screwed precisely one man, and that's me, you're years younger than the Bride, let alone my mother, but suddenly you're an expert?"

"Take it as a compliment to yourself. Anyway, this sort of shit is all about what people think of you, not what you actually know. Remember that lecturer we had who we discovered was actually reading out the essays he'd written the year before? Everyone liked him."

"Even so..."

"And you've got to admit," she smirked, and took her bra off, "I do know how to shag like a bunny. You told me so."

I sighed, and kissed her nipples. "So what did you do?" I asked.

Nina shrugged. "Took her off for a short walk and talked her through the basics. Not exactly the full Joy of Sex, but I think she knew about the mechanics already. She just needed to know that it wasn't going to kill her." She sniggered. "Don't complain -- I probably made you sound like a total stud. Had to persuade her it was fun." She stood up and took her knickers off, and pirouetted on the spot while I sat on the edge of the bed and watched with my usual idiot grin. I noticed that she'd left those boots on.

"And she listened to you?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I tried, I really did, but I'm afraid that a lot of people at that wedding thought that I was some kind of demented weirdo goth freak. And everyone like that knows that weirdo goth freaks will fuck anything with two legs and a pulse -- and the pulse may be optional. So I was stuck playing the bad girl."

"Why did that make her listen to you?"

"God, you're stupid sometimes. Old-fashioned good girls like that worry that men only want bad girls." Nina suddenly noticed that I was still dressed, knelt on the floor in front of me, and yanked my tie off. "Well, only want to fuck bad girls." She set to work unbuttoning my shirt. "And she was desperate. So I just had to tell her how to act like a bad girl."

"How's that?"

"Oh, let a man see lots of you naked, put your tongue down his throat, grin when you see his hard-on, whisper four-letter words in his ear -- the usual crap." She'd progressed to undoing my trousers by now, and she wrestled them, my underpants, and my socks, all off in one go.

"Hang on -- I thought you did all that because you liked it!"

"Yeah, well -- maybe I am a bad girl." She saw my hard-on, and grinned. "Sorry about the act when she was leaving, by the way, but I reckoned that she needed consistency."

"I suffered for your art. So -- you reckon that Cousin Colin is in for a good night, then?"

"Well, a nice honeymoon. I can't work miracles." She threw herself onto the bed. "But he may never know why, and if he does, he'll never be able to thank me properly." I stood up and stood at the foot of the bed, and she grinned some more. "So you'll have to thank me on his behalf."

I knelt between her thighs, and bent forward to kiss her stomach. "Thanks," I said, "and thanks for sorting things out so well with my family. Mum's obviously grateful, and I guess that Linda at least reckons that you're a cool and interesting bad girl or something." I moved up a bit.

"And your dad probably likes my arse."

"What makes you think that?"

"He's never apologised for this morning, which is odd, because he seems like a polite guy. I reckon he's trying desperately to avoid thinking about it."

"Maybe," I said.

"How about you?"

"Me? Oh, I definitely like your arse. But I like your tits, too." I kissed one of them to emphasize the point.

"Really? But there's nothing to them. Not compared to Little Miss Good Girl's. Cousin Colin must really have a lot to play with just now."

I didn't say anything. Continuing to make Nina's nipples happy seemed more important.

"I guess..." she said, "it really isn't what you've got, it really is what you do with it, right?"

"Mmm-hmm," I agreed.

"Okay," she said, and pushed me onto my side, then pushed her chest towards my face. "Now," she went on, cupping her right breast in her hand, "what should I do with this one?"

"Umm, give it here?"

"So what do I do with the other one while that one's busy?"

I sighed and reached up, batting her hands aside, and grabbed her breasts, one in each hand. "It's not what you do with them, it's what I do with them," I said, and squeezed them as hard as I dared.

"Ooh," she said, and pulled away from me and threw herself on her back. I rolled over and kissed her. Her mouth tasted of whisky, but so did mine -- and it was good whisky. She put her tongue down my throat, then broke away, and pushed me onto my back. Then she clambered on top of me, kneeling and leaning forward to whisper in my ear.

"Right," she said, "so now fuck me, geek-boy. My pussy needs cock, okay, and yours will have to do."

"Condoms..." I gurgled. Nina smirked and pulled a packet from the top of on of the ankle-boots she was still wearing.

"How long's that been there?" I asked, as she sat back, extracted the condom from its wrapper, and began fitting it.

"All day," she said. "Hey, I was worried that the wedding would be boring."

"It was, most of the time," I pointed out.

Nina frowned thoughtfully as she took my cock in hand, positioned herself carefully, and sank down on me. I gurgled again.

"Yeah, well, I never did get a chance to drag you off to the ladies. So you'll have to catch up now."

"Okay..."

"But by catch up, I mean hold back," she explained. She began rotating her hips slightly, slowly. I carefully grabbed her breasts again.

I'm happy to say that I did manage to hold back -- pretty well, really. And if I shut my eyes and thought about the Bride, it was to slow me down, honest. I've never had any sort of fetish about meringues. Well, okay, after Nina had come twice, and was lying on top of me murmuring "fuck" repeatedly as I pushed into her faster and faster, it did cross my mind to wonder what Colin was seeing about then -- what she'd look like out of that dress. But then Nina's ponytail brushed my shoulder, and I opened my eyes, looked into hers, and said "fuck" back to her as I came as long and hard as I'd ever done those last couple of months.

As we lay together afterwards, before I dozed off, I was pretty sure I heard some repetitive bedspring creaking from my parents' room. It's not something I ever made a point of listening out for -- I don't set out to give myself weird hang-ups, enough other people do that for me -- but the walls and doors in that house weren't perfect. I told myself not to think about it. But maybe Mum had been thinking about married life. Or maybe Dad had been thinking about Nina's arse.

The next morning, we were lying draped together when I heard the phone ring, and Dad answering it. Then, after a few seconds, I heard a nervous tap on our bedroom door. I got up, pulled the quilt around my waist, and opened the door a few inches. "It's for Nina," said Dad, looking puzzled. "Here..." He handed me the cordless handset and disappeared hastily.

I handed the phone off to Nina, who said "Hi" blearily, and then...

"Oh, yeah, hi. Where are you? Okay, so you're alone -- yeah, we can talk for a few minutes. How are things? They are? Great. Told you it'd be okay... He did? You're lucky. No, that's what I said, it's all quite normal. You did, you think? I promise you'll know if you did. Okay, great... What's that? Oh, don't worry about that -- you should see the face that mine pulls. But what do you want to talk about? Okay, no, I don't mind..."

I lay down on the bed, next to my girlfriend, the naked consulting sex expert, and watched her breasts move as she talked. This could get inconvenient. On the other hand, perhaps she'd need to try some things out first. I could certainly hope.