Should've Been

So as I started trying to figure out what I'd do next, I noticed a couple of guys around my age come in and sit down. I was glad they weren't sitting at one of my tables. They looked like college guys and they were terrible tippers.

The smaller one was really cute though. That was an unusual thing for me to think. I never really reacted to men's looks. I reacted more to their requests and what they could offer me.

Every time I crossed the room, I felt his eyes on me. I was used to that, but somehow, just his gaze felt warm. I crossed the room again carrying a loaded tray and trying my best to be careful. I noticed that he was staring at me open mouthed, as if I was naked or something. He even stood up as I got close to him.

Then he tripped and fell right in front of me. And since I was carrying the tray, I couldn't see him and stepped on him tripping and flinging the entire tray in the process.

I called him every name I could think of and angrily packed my gear and got ready to leave. The other of the two guys came over to me.

"For a woman as pretty as you are, you're really a bitch," he said. "That was an accident. Jacob didn't mean to trip you. This was the first time I've gotten him out of the dorm in six months. Then he takes one look at you, a fucking waitress, and he acts like you're the God damned Messiah or something..."

I felt bad about the way I'd treated his friend. So I got him to take me to his friend so I could apologize.

From the second I saw him again, I knew. There was just something about him. I figured I'd go out with him a few times and let it fade. But then he told me about the way he felt and I melted. Nothing mattered anymore. I just wanted to be with him. It was strange because I'd had sex but it was always something the guys wanted. Sure I had orgasms and I enjoyed sex when I was in the mood for it, but this was different. It was like I was in heat or something.

From that moment on, we were together. Even in my mind it seemed kind of weird, but I had a boyfriend. I had more than that. He lived in a house he rented with a couple of other people and I just moved into his room. There were days when I followed him and waited outside of his class for him to come out. I still didn't consider what we had as love but it was as close as I had ever been. I didn't think that I would ever feel real love but I recognized that what Jake felt for me was love and I loved the fact that he loved me.

I really loved the fact that he wanted to take care of me and build a life with me. I had no ambition, no plan in life, so I was smart enough to hook up with the guy that could give me a much better life than I would ever have had on my own.

When he graduated from college with honors and a good job, I was happy. He seemed to be making all of his promises real. When he asked me to marry him, I was floored. "Hell yes!" I said. I couldn't get the words out fast enough. It wasn't like I really loved him, I still wasn't sure what love was, but we had a connection. It also meant that I wouldn't have to worry about having a job or any of that bullshit. I could have a good life and I wouldn't have to work. There was also the fact that even if it didn't last, if I could just hold on long enough, even if he divorced me, I'd do fine.

As the years went on we became more and more a couple. I saw people all around us get married and have kids and noticed from talking to friends that many of them were jealous of us. I guess if I looked at us from the outside it seemed as if we had the perfect marriage. Jake would literally do anything for me. There were times when I felt guilty because I knew that I didn't and would probably never feel the way about him that he felt about me. I just wasn't capable of that kind of emotion.

I cooked for him. I cleaned our house and made it a wonderful place to live. I had sex with him any time he wanted me to and any way he wanted me to. I was affectionate. We cuddled all the time and I kept myself attractive for him. When my dad died, Jake was there for my mom. I think that was a turning point, because I noticed then that I felt nothing about my dad passing. It let me know that emotionally, there was something wrong with me.

Over the years Jake and I had spoken several times about having kids and had decided to put it off. I started thinking about it in earnest then. But a short time after that I spoke to a friend that I'd grown up with. She was getting a divorce and was distraught. Her husband had left her for a younger woman and she wanted him back badly. I realized that the husband was probably a lot like me. He'd been cheating on my friend for years and finally got tired of the pretense. He decided that he just wanted to ne alone and single.

It upset me but I couldn't figure it out. The man was an asshole. Did that make me one too? I had, since the beginning of our relationship occasionally had sex with other men. At the time I had been having sex with a friend of his. It wasn't that Jake wasn't good in bed. It wasn't that I had any kind of feelings for the other guy either. He was just someone I called from time to time. It had started out to prevent hurting Jake.

Six months before that, I had been in the house when our lawn service came by. I watched as a really well-built guy marched around our yard cutting and spraying the grass. I wanted him. I knew that Jake would never find out about it so it wouldn't hurt him. So I did it. I went to the door and called him inside of the house. It was the first time that I'd ever brought anyone in our house for sex and it taught me two things. The first was that the guy, skinny muscular, long hair, the whole package, wasn't nearly as satisfying as Jake.

Jake is pretty good looking and a lot of the women I know like him but, I guess I hadn't really noticed him in a long time. Anyway that afternoon marked a crack in my armor. Besides the fact that the guy didn't get me off, I felt bad about it. That was a first. So I decided that maybe I should stop. Maybe whether I loved him or not I should respect him enough not to. Unfortunately it wasn't to be.

One of the men who worked for Jake and was also friendly with him was a guy named Steve. He came to me and told me that he had proof that I had cheated on Jake. To keep him from telling Jake I had to give him some of what the lawn guy got. So I did it and felt nothing. I actually felt good about it because instead of just doing it to have sex I had done it to help my marriage. In a way it worked out because the guy had a history of cheating on his wife. He'd been caught a few times. It also gave me an outlet. So instead of risking getting caught with random guys, I had someone to call when Jake wasn't available.

But things changed after talking to my friend. She wasn't like me. She really loved that asshole. And now she was facing a life alone and miserable with kids too. I wondered if that could happen to me.

Later on when Jake got home, I asked him if he really loved me. His answer stunned me. I ended up running away from him up to our bedroom. I had to get away from him. I couldn't look him in the eye. I was simply not worthy of the way he felt about me.

I realized then that he loved me far more than I had ever considered. I didn't deserve to be loved like that. Maybe it was guilt, but I decided that the best thing for him would be if I left him. I should just disappear. But then I thought about how badly that would hurt him. I started crying. I thought long and hard about how I would feel without him in my life too. I realized that having even a day without seeing that man would probably kill me. I started to understand then that when I kissed Jake, it was because I enjoyed kissing him. And when we had sex, it was because I wanted him. I didn't just want sex, I wanted Jake. It took me a while to realize it, but I love my husband.

Jake and I had sex that night. Don't get me wrong we always do. But it was like for all of the years before that night I had been holding back. That night, I gave him everything I had. It just felt so different. It was as if everything I did with every other man was a waste of my time. I had been a fool for most of my life. We fell asleep that night wrapped in each other's arms. When he kissed me goodbye the next morning, I was a changed woman. I couldn't stop smiling. I kept saying it over and over. I love my husband. I called to tell his friend that we wouldn't be getting together anymore. He talked me into one last time.

I wanted to get it over with, so I told him to come by that afternoon while Jake was at work. He was all for it. When he came over we went straight into the laundry room in the basement. I had never had sex with him anywhere else. Even before I realized how I felt about Jake I had too much respect for him to have anyone in our bed.

As soon as he got there he was all over me there was no love in it, but there had never been any. It was just sex. The evening before I had made love with Jake. We kissed and I wanted to have him in me to express what we felt about each other. It was magic and I intended to do that again that evening. This was just sex. We just humped each other purely for physical release. The odd thing was that most of the time I didn't cum with him. But that day I was still in my happy mood thinking about what had happened the day before and my newfound love. Thinking about it got me hotter than ever before so my body reacted.

But before I got off, I heard something. I pushed him off of me but he had clearly heard it too. We looked out in the hallway and didn't see anything. He shrugged his shoulders and reached for me.

"We're done," I said. I was feeling worse and worse about what had happened. "We never talk about this and it never happens again. If you ever call me again I'll tell him and you have just as much to lose as I do, maybe more." he nodded and started getting dressed. "You can see yourself out," I told him.

I turned to go upstairs and shower. I needed to get ready to make it a truly special evening for Jake and me. As I reached the stairs my heart nearly stopped. My entire life flashed before my eyes and I realized how empty it had been before I met Jake. My cry of anguish brought my friend back.

"What's wrong?" he asked. I pointed at the flowers that had been dumped on the stairs.

"Oh shit," he said shaking his head.

I didn't know what to do. I showered and changed. I made dinner. My greatest hope was that just this once, like my friend and like Steve's wife, Jake would get angry and call me a bunch of names and then forgive me. I only needed one more chance and this would never happen again. I knew what love really was then. All I wanted was a chance to make Jake the happiest man alive. I kept telling myself that Jake loved me and that he'd promised me forever.

Once it got dark, I started to worry. Jake always called me if he was going to be late. I called his phone and realized I was in trouble. I didn't get a connection. It didn't even ring. If I had any doubt about Jake's feelings, they vanished. My husband had blocked me. I would have to wait for him to come home to talk about our problems.

I sat down on the sofa to wait for him. I figured that he'd probably gone to a bar to drink with his friends before coming home. My only defense against what I knew would be overwhelming anger was the fact that I knew as surely as I knew my own name, that Jake loved me.

I guess sometime during the evening I dozed off. I woke up at three a.m. in the dark. I went upstairs thinking that Jake had been so angry that he's simply walked right past me and went to bed. When I noticed that our room was empty I checked both guest rooms and then just started crying. It was the first time I remember crying about anything during my adult life. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. If this was what love meant, I could do without it.

The next morning, I felt even more like shit. I tried calling Jake again with no change. I called his office and got the after-hours message. I asked his secretary to call me as soon as she got in.

I lay back down on the couch and waited by the phone. Brenda called me at about ten minutes after nine. Her voice was cheerful and friendly as always.

"What's up Mrs. Boss?" she asked.

"Brenda, you have to help me," I said. "Jake and I are having an issue. I really need to speak to him. All I want is a chance to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry. Can you ask him to call me when he gets there?"

"My God," she said. "You sound awful. Of course I'll have him call you. I'll do better than that. As soon as he steps in here I'll just hand him the phone and tell him to talk. I've been his secretary since before you two got married. Of course you were already together but this is the first time I remember you guys having an argument. It's going to be okay, Aubrey. He really loves you."

The phone rang about an hour later. I snatched it from its cradle and started talking. "Jake, I love you more than anything. I'll do whatever you want, just come home," I said.

"Aubrey...this is Brenda," she said. "Jake just called in. He said he's going to take some time off, because he isn't feeling well. I told him to call you."

I thanked her and hung up the phone. I had no idea what to do.

* * * * * *

Steven

Driving away from the house, I couldn't get away fast enough. I took my phone off of my waist and put it on the seat next to me. I expected Jake to call me at any time. "Fuck!" I yelled. I had no one to blame but myself. Jake was more than my boss. He was more than a friend. When I got out of medical school, I wasn't exactly the top guy in my class. I had a lot of trouble finding a spot at a hospital even though there were three in the area.

I had a huge pile of college loans to take care of and I also had a wife and two small kids. I didn't want a job. I NEEDED one. I needed work more than I needed air. I finally got a job as a hospitalist at County General, after two years and a few issues, I was let go. I was lucky I wasn't sued for malpractice. After that I got hired at Tremont Hospital I didn't last much longer there. The third hospital in the area wouldn't give me an interview.

But luckily, I met Jake. He had a couple of the doctors and some medical students from Tremont working for him on a contingent basis. As his business grew, he needed to hire a full time medical person. It was right around that time that I got fired. It was a good fit for both of us. For the past three years it's been gravy. I make more working for Jake and work fewer hours with a lot less pressure.

I have to admit that I've cheated on my wife Carlie a few times and have been caught a few times too. But I love her and my kids. I was just under so much pressure. When she caught me the last time I swore I'd never do it again. And I meant it. I don't think that I'd be in this situation if it wasn't for bad luck. Aubrey is hot. There's no doubting that, but if the opportunity to get some of that hadn't presented itself, I never would have made a move on her. I caught the bitch cheating on Jake and took advantage of it.

I guess I should have felt badly about it, but in my own way I really believed that I was helping him. If she was cheating on him anyway, sooner or later the bitch would get caught and he'd be hurt. At least with me, I'd do anything I could to avoid getting caught and hurting him. Plus there was no way I'd ever try to take Aubrey away from him. There was no love involved in what we did.

There was something else going on here too. It took me a while to figure it out. At first I saw Aubrey as this beautiful woman that any guy would want. I was a little jealous of Jake at first. But after being around Aubrey, I began to notice things. Aubrey was like Barbie. She was the perfect archetype of a woman. She was almost too pretty...too sexy. But it was all on the surface. She had no emotions at all. Fucking her was like fucking a living, breathing blow up doll. The only time I felt any warmth at all coming from her was when she talked about Jake. And we didn't talk about him often because I felt really guilty about what I was doing to him.

I went back to work that day, expecting at any moment to be called to his office or to have him show up at mine. I did my best to avoid him and any area that he might be. To my surprise he never showed up. That was unusual because Jake and I usually talked several times a day at least. I felt like shit. Time just seemed to drag. When it was time to go home, I took off like a rocket. I hugged Carlie and my kids over and over as soon as I got into the house.

The next morning I went to work and still didn't run into Jake. That was strange because under normal circumstances Jake was the first one in the office. When I had a problem that I couldn't solve without him, I went looking for him. I found out then that he was taking some time off. I smiled then. I was sure at first that Jake and Aubrey were working on their marriage. I was sure that Aubrey would be on my side if necessary, so I probably wouldn't get fired.

It was probably around eleven a.m. that she called me. I wondered why she was calling me. I didn't answer the phone. She called again a few minutes later so I answered it.

"I thought we weren't going to talk anymore," I said tersely. I wasn't prepared for the amount of emotion that came from her. Just hearing the pain in her voice made me feel even worse.

"He's gone," she wailed. She went on to tell me that she had spoken to everyone she could think of to call. She had even called the police. All she wanted was for me to go out and look for him. She wanted me to look in any of the places that he and I hung out in.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Aubrey," I said.

"You chicken-shit," she spat. "You're brave enough to fuck his wife behind his back, but not brave enough to face him?" Her words bit deeply. I already felt badly enough.

"All you have to do is find him," she said. "Then just call me and tell me where he is."

I decided that I could do that. I looked everywhere that I could think of but didn't see him anywhere. I felt even worse. My friend, the one guy who'd believed in me and given me a chance when no one else would, was out there alone somewhere. He was in obvious pain and broken hearted and I was the person responsible for it.

* * * * * *

Aubrey

The police were no help at first. They refused to start looking for him until he'd been gone for 48 hours. I called them at least ten times before they finally agreed to send a detective out. When they did send a detective out, things got worse. One of the detectives was a woman and she hated me on sight. They began asking questions and I had to tell them why Jake had left. The investigation changed rapidly after that. I had to give them Steven's contact info. They went after him too. I really believe that they thought that Steve and I killed Jake or something. But they told me that I should get a lawyer.

I'll never get over the look that the female detective gave me as she left my house. She looked at me as if I was the lowest form of life on earth. I didn't care. All I wanted was my husband back.

Two days later she called me. "I was wrong about you," she said. "I guess you didn't kill him. You ripped his heart out and left him for dead, but you didn't kill him."

"You found him?" I screamed happily.

"That we did," she said. "So you are no longer a suspect. Neither is your equally scummy friend." Then she hung up. I had to call her back.

"Um, you forgot to tell me where he is before you hung up," I said.

"I didn't forget," she said with the most sarcastic tone I ever heard in her voice. "He's an adult. He's in good mental health considering what you did to him, and he doesn't want us to reveal his location to you. I, legally, cannot go against his wishes. Have a nice day. You still might want to get that lawyer though."