Should've Been

"Uh, I guess," said Jake. "At least I am for now." My mother shushed him.

"It figures," said the nurse. I got the idea that the bitch wanted to hit on my husband. Out of the corner of my eye I looked at him. And my shock grew. He'd cut his hair and he looked really good. But there was something off about him too.

It took someone who loves him to see what it was. His smile was gone. The smile that I sometimes woke early in the morning just to see was gone. It was as if my wide eyed, fun loving little boy of a husband had matured and become cynical and suspicious over-night.

I vowed to somehow put him back to the way he was.

"There's good news and bad news," said the nurse. "She's severely dehydrated and malnourished..."

"What's the good news?" asked my mom.

"I thought that was the good news," quipped Jake. My mother elbowed him.

"She's pregnant," said the nurse. "With everything that's going on in her body whatever she found out this morning just overwhelmed her and she fainted. She'll be fine. She just needs some TLC." The nurse looked right at Jake as she said that.

"I guess I could hire someone to look after her," said Jake.

"That's not what she needs and you know it," said my mom. "You need to get your ass home, Jake. You being away from her made her sick. Don't you want a healthy child?"

"It's probably not even mine," he said. Anger pooled in me and gave me strength.

"Are you out of your fucking mind," I screamed. "Of course it's yours. Who else would I have a baby with? I love you, stupid. I've made mistakes, but you have to know how I feel about you Jake."

"When can she come home?" he asked the nurse.

"She needs to stay here for a few hours for observation. And she needs an appointment with an obstetrician," said the nurse. "But she'll probably be out of here by mid afternoon."

"Mom can you stay with her and bring her home?" he asked. "I have a few things to take care of."

My mother tilted her head and looked at him. "I'm going to check out of the hotel and get my stuff. Then I have to go for a meeting with my lawyer," he said. "But I should be at the house by three or four."

"I'll see you at home, Honey," I said. I couldn't stop smiling. I was pregnant. It really hadn't been planned. I was on the pill. But it wasn't exactly fool proof. I tried to get up and found that my legs were still very weak.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" asked the nurse.

"I have to get ready for when Jake gets home," I smiled.

It was over four hours before I saw him again. It felt more like four years. I had to see doctors and make appointments with other doctors. I had to eat to get my strength up. It was almost as if they were just trying to keep us apart. My mother was absolutely no help.

"He loves you Aubrey," she said. "You can tell that by the divorce settlement. Even after you cheated on him..."

"Who told you?" I asked.

"I'm old," she said. "I'm not stupid. Jake loves you more than he loves breathing, but suddenly he just walks away from you. And he does it so suddenly that he doesn't even pack. He finds out that you're pregnant and he isn't even sure it's his. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. But deep down inside I'm hoping that you are a rocket scientist or a witch, because I'm pretty sure that if that baby isn't his, he's gone, Aubrey."

"I became a little afraid then, because I had figured out that my plan B, the idea of just divorcing Jake would no longer work for me. I couldn't believe it but I really did love the man. I just didn't want to have to try living without him."

As mom drove me home, my phone rang. "Aubrey, are you and Jake getting a divorce?" asked Steven in a shrill voice.

"I'm not sure," I said. "If there's anything I can do to prevent it I will."

"I'm not so lucky," he said. "Jake had me served. He's suing me for my part in destroying your marriage. My lawyer tells me that Jake probably doesn't expect to get any kind of damages out of this, but he's trying to ruin me. I got lucky. I was home and I was the one who got served. I told Carlie that it was a malpractice suit from the old hospital. I told her it wasn't one of my cases but that I had consulted on it. She bought it. But if Jake doesn't drop this, she'll find out and my marriage will go down the tubes. It could also affect me with the Medical ethics board. I could lose my license to practice. Aubrey, when Jake hired me I'd had several uhm...workplace improprieties. I'd been fired twice. You being the wife of a coworker would be a third. If this goes to court and into the public record, my career is over. You have to do something to help me. If you don't, I'll have to burn you to help myself. I'll sit down with Jake and in exchange for him not suing me, I'll tell him about you and that I wasn't your first time cheating on him. I hate to make threats but my life is on the line here." I hung up on him.

Before she left, my mother made me soup and watched me eat it. "How many times have you cheated on him?" she asked me suddenly. I looked at her crazily.

"Only the one..." I began.

"Aubrey, you're a monster," she said shaking her head. "You really need to turn the volume down on your cell phone. I heard everything that guy told you while I drove you home. He said that he wasn't the first time you cheated on Jake. And he sounded like such a jerk that I really hope he isn't the father of my grandchild. That would be bad for all of us. That guy is already married isn't he? Does he have any kids already?"

"Two," I said.

"So if it's his baby, everyone suffers except Jake. If it's Jake's baby, everyone gets a pass, except Jake."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"If Jake is the father, he won't leave his child. He'll be stuck with you just so he can make sure his child grows up okay. If Jake isn't the father, he can get out of this. He can move on with his life and find someone less toxic. But my grandchild will grow up with a father who isn't worth a God damn and a mother who's..."

"Mother I think you should leave," I yelled. "I didn't mean to hurt Jake. I love him."

"Aubrey, do you even know what love is?" she asked as she left.

After she left I thought a lot about what she had said. I say there on the sofa and waited happily for Jake. I got bored waiting so I went outside and sat on the steps while I waited I looked at my watch. It was three thirty. I began to get nervous. He'd said he'd be here by three or four.

Fred Mertz walked by and waved.

"You're okay huh?" he asked.

"Yeah but my breasts are sore," I said. It looked like he choked on something.

"So uh...why are you just sitting there?" he asked.

"Jake will be home any second," I said. He turned as white as a ghost and ran into his house.

About ten minutes later a car pulled into our driveway. It was a mean looking car. Almost every detail on the car was black. The driver turned off his engine and Jake got out.

He looked at me. I smiled at him, but he didn't smile back. He walked toward me slowly as if he was walking toward the gallows as the guest of honor.

"Welcome home, Honey," I said. "I..."

"Aubrey, just save it," he said. He walked right past me and into the house. He went upstairs and into our bedroom. I followed him. When I went into the room he was sitting on the bed. He watched me as I came into the room. I started to unbutton my blouse and he looked at me strangely.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I...I thought that you might..." I stuttered.

"I was just sitting here trying to figure out what to do about my clothes," he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I have so many suits and so much crap in here that moving all of it to another room would take forever," he said. "Then I thought that since you're home most of the time and you're the one who destroyed us. Maybe it would be fair for you to move to another room. But then I realized that since you're pregnant, the right thing would be for me to move. I'm just dreading it," he explained.

"Maybe it's not dread," I said. "Maybe it's common sense. Jake we're married. We're supposed to sleep together. We're supposed to BE together. We just need to fix things between us. I know it's going to take time. But it will go a lot smoother, if we just go with it and try to put this behind us. I swear that I love you and I will never betray you again. Can you really look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love me?"

"Aubrey, it's like that Joan Jett song," he said. "I hate myself for loving you."

"We need to come to terms with what has happened," he continued. "We need to be honest with each other. Yes I still love you with every fiber of my being. But at the same time you hurt me worse than anyone ever has and I don't want to be anywhere near you. My plan was to divorce you and either, move my business to another state, or to sell it outright and start all over somewhere else."

My mouth dropped open in shock. I hadn't realized that he'd given this whole thing that much thought. In my entire life I had never met a man who literally didn't want me around him. And just my luck it had to be the one man I really wanted to be around.

"Come on Aubrey, we're still young. We're not even thirty. Nothing is chiseled on stone yet," he said. "It's really not too late for either one of us to start over. I can take some time and find a woman who actually wants to be with me. I can start a new life and have children of my own," he told me. His face was completely serious, he was not joking or baiting me. "And you'd be free to do whatever it is that you want to do. You could find a guy that's more to your liking. You know, like your mother said, someone more forceful and confident."

I crossed the floor in a heartbeat and slapped him. "My mother doesn't know shit," I said. "The conversation you had with her had so many holes in it that it may as well have been a doughnut shop." I paused because I really needed to calm down and catch my breath.

"Jake, she told you that I was usually with some guy who was more forceful. In the first place they were just guys that wanted to fuck me, and that was it. Once they got what they wanted it was done. That's why she told you with her own lips that I never brought a single one of those guys home. Not one. You were the first man I ever brought home to meet my parents. And you're the only one. You're also the only one I ever moved in with. And Jake, as God is my witness you are the only person I have ever loved. And that includes my parents. You are the only person that I feel any type of connection with. I don't know why. Maybe I'm broken, but it's the truth."

I noticed then that some of his anger seemed to recede.

"The next thing you're wrong about is your baby. Jake, this child is growing in my body and I swear to you that it's yours. You're the only person I have ever had sex with without a condom...EVER."

That part was actually true. "I know that you don't want to be here. You hate me. Or you love me but you don't want to be with me anymore. I can understand that. I hate myself for what I did to us too. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Jake. And this is your child. Can we make a deal? The second the baby is born we'll get a DNA test. If the baby is yours, we work things out. If it's not yours I'll sign your divorce papers on the spot or better yet, I'll just walk out of your life and you'll never see me again. But until then, can we just try to get along for the sake of the baby?"

He nodded. And it seemed like more of the anger dissipated. "I'm exhausted," I said. "Can we take a nap?"

I had stepped of far then and most of his anger was back.

"I agreed to your deal," he said sharply. "I'll stay here. I'll buy you whatever you need for the baby. I'll take you to doctor's appointments and do whatever else I have to do to make sure everything goes well. I'll be civil. I'll even be nice to you because children, even unborn ones can sense those things. But that's it. We won't be doing anything else together."

And he meant it. All I had to do was ask and he did or bought me anything I needed. He was kind. He was considerate. He was great. But he wasn't my husband. The love was gone. There were times when I could tell he wanted to tell me something, but then the moment passed and he went vacant again.

There were even times when he came home from work and ran to tell me about his day. He'd grab me and take me in his arms and then...a blank look would come over his face.

"Sorry, I forgot. We're not like that anymore," he said. It hurt so badly. I deserved it though. I was the one who did this to him.

As my belly grew and my body changed and became bloated and fat, I lost it for a while. It's like when a guy who is really fast gets hurt and isn't fast anymore. He always wonders if he'll still be fast when he heals. All my life, all I had was that I was pretty or sexy. Some women never got their bodies back after a pregnancy. I started to feel really bad about myself.

Jake even managed to ruin that. He was rubbing my belly with cocoa butter to make sure I wouldn't have stretch marks after the baby was born.

"Well you don't have to worry about me cheating on you anymore," I said. "I'm so bloated and fat that no one would want me." He just burst out laughing.

"Aubrey you're even sexier now," he said. I relaxed and let his fingers rub my tummy. It felt so good. "It's taking everything I have right now to keep me from letting my finger do the walking about three inches further down. And it wouldn't just be my fingers. And good Lord your boobs were always incredible, but now...I could suck on those puppies forever."

As he continued rubbing his hands probed my tummy lower and lower. I was always horny while I was pregnant but he was driving me wild. His fingers and his words were like a two pronged attack.

"Sometimes it's all I can do not to just..." he paused.

"Just what?" I asked. "Jake, tell me."

I noticed then that we were leaning towards each other and we were so close that only a few inches separated our faces. My hand was no longer at my side. It was on his leg slowly moving upwards. I grabbed his free hand and moved it to my breast.

My nipples were like bullets. Only my wet panties separated us.

Then he sat up suddenly and moved away from me.

"Sorry," he said suddenly. "Even though that asshole did it to me, I won't do it to him."

"Jake, what the fuck are you talking about?" I hissed.

"Aubrey, when the baby is born, Steve's divorce should be over and the three of you can be together. And I'll..."

"Jake, shut the fuck up," I said. "There is no possible scenario where I end up with Steve."

"Well..." he said.

"Well Hell," I said. "Jake, I fucked up. We all know it. But I love you and only you. I'm about to be perfectly honest with you here. I'm probably going to be a really shitty mother. I'm going to need to have you around when this baby is born. If it's your child and I am a hundred percent sure that it is...I know you, Jake. You're going to want to be in your child's life. And Jake I want you there. I don't belong with Steve or anyone except you. I'm yours Jake. I always have been and I always will be. So whatever you were thinking about doing to me, I wish you would. I miss you Jake. I miss having you beside me when I sleep. I miss waking up in your arms more than anything. And I miss having sex with you Jake. But more than anything else I miss your smile. And I miss the look in your eyes that you always got whenever you saw me. You always made me feel so special. I didn't feel like a trophy or a piece of ass with you. And you always made me feel so God damned special."

"Will you do one more thing for me?" I asked him. He nodded.

"Jake can I sleep with you tonight?" I pleaded with him. "No sex, I promise. I just want to feel you next to me."

I woke up in the middle of the night with the sound of Jake's breathing in my ear. It was a comforting sound and I felt loved. His arms were wrapped around me with one cupping my left boob and the other between my legs. I could feel his dick against my ass and I was hornier than I'd ever been in life. I knew that if I did anything stupid, he'd never let me this close to him again. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep with the biggest smile on my face.

Things were awkward in the morning. He woke up and started trying to gently move his fingers. I clamped my hand down on them. "Your hands have been in me and on me all night," I said. "Why move them now?"

"Aubrey, I'm so sorry," he said. "I knew this was a bad idea."

"The only bad idea is us going without sex," I said.

"Well, I'll be heading off to work soon," he said. "Maybe you can get someone to come over."

I knew that it was only his pain and jealously talking so I let it go.

That night after dinner, I showed up in the room with him again. From then on we slept together. I considered it a landmark of progress and a sign that eventually things would go my way.

When our baby was born, Jake was there the whole time. He held my hand through it all and he saw the baby before I did.

As soon as they cut the cord, a doctor came over and stuck a swab in Jake's mouth. It took three days for us to get the results. Since they sent me and the baby home twenty four hours after the birth, I had to go back to the hospital to get the results. Jake offered to go alone since I was still pretty weak but I insisted on being there.

Jake had a surprise for me though. As we showed up at the doctor's office, Steve was there. He looked like hell. He spoke to me briefly while Jake stepped out of the room to take a phone call.

"I'm only here because Jake promised to drop his suit against me," he said. "I hope you're happy."

"What are you talking about Steve?" I asked.

"My wife divorced me. She barely allows me to see my kids. I'm working as a med tech in a factory. I live in a basement efficiency apartment. You ended up back with Jake. How the hell is that fair?" he asked.

"Steve, Jake and I are only together for the baby. If my child turns out to be yours, my life will be over. I haven't had sex since he caught you and me together. I have to rub myself against him every night and he won't make love to me. He's different, Steve. We ruined him."

Jake came back in the room just as the doctor sat down. "Mr. Adama," said the doctor. "I have some terrible news for you."

"I expected it," said Jake. "Good luck Steve." he was almost smiling as he got up.

"What I meant," said the doctor. "Is that you're going to have a lot of responsibility over the next 18 years or so. Your freedom is gone Mr. Adama. You're a father."

Jake was shocked. His jaw dropped open and his smile actually burst out in a way that I hadn't seen it in a long time. I was so happy I jumped. I nearly split my stitches, but I didn't care.

Make took time off from work to be with me and the baby. For the first two months after the baby was born I wasn't allowed to have sex. It was a little longer than normal but I had a few problems after the delivery. The good thing was that my body came back quickly. I was looking forward to reuniting physically with my husband. And the day that the doctor cleared me, I attacked.

Jake was in bed after I'd put JJ to sleep. I walked into our room and stripped off my robe. I lifted the comforter and threw my leg over Jake. I dangled my breasts over him as I rubbed my wet pussy over his abdomen.

He just looked at me. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"The doctor cleared me today," I said.

"Well if you want to go out, I'll watch JJ," he said.

"I guess I just thought...I love you Jake," I said through my tears. It took me a while to get over that night. And I think that Jake knew it too. He was extra sweet to me after that.