Siblingly Binding Ch. 07

I couldn't sleep at all that night. I'd broken my sister's heart, the woman I loved. I was going to lose her forever if she didn't forgive me, and I just realized that I was willing to commit to her, to be with her, which perplexed me as I had made that decision only that night, in the heat of the moment. I texted her all through the night, maybe fifty times, telling her how much I loved her, how sorry I was... she didn't text back even once. The next day I was so depressed I started drinking as soon as I got up; nevertheless, I was motivated more than ever to get her back.

I continued texting Brooke at noon when a text from Veronica interrupted me, "Are you alone? Can we talk?"

"Hi," she picked up.

"Hi."

"I assume you heard what happened after I walked out your door."

"Yeah."

"What a fucking mess... I texted her how sorry I was, but she's not returning my texts. Is she there?"

"No. She left last night, and I don't know where to."

"Shit! Why is she so fucking difficult?! She made us go behind her back with her immature behavior. She's so juvenile somet—"

"Don't talk about her like that. Ever."

The line went dead for a moment.

"What is going on? Why do I feel like you're angry with me?"

"I'm not angry with you. It's just... listen, this isn't going to work out after all. We should call it quits and avoid further bloodshed."

"What? You're breaking up with me?!"

"I wasn't aware we were even dating."

"You're acting like a real son of a bitch right now, Josh. I hope you're aware of that."

"I don't mean to hurt you, but we weren't dating, and my sister is very upset because of last night, and I'm not willing to go on with this when she's obviously hurt by us."

"This is not what I thought I would hear from you... you were the one who didn't care if she got hurt!"

"And now I do care. She is my sister, Veronica."

"So that's it? I mean nothing to you that you're willing to cut me out of your life, as if we hadn't had sex just ten hours ago and were talking about getting our relationship moving?!"

"You know what, don't give me that shit! When you decided you made a mistake three nights ago and insisted we shouldn't talk anymore, was I giving you a hard time?!"

"It was different, Josh! Now it's more... complicated."

"It isn't to me. Same situation, same people, same result."

"Is it because of Brooke? 'Cause she will accept it eventually. She just needs to cool off. Give her—"

"No, it's because of me. Listen, I am so glad I've got the chance to meet you. You are truly a unique person, and I'm sure—"

"Don't do that, Josh! Why are you saying this?!"

"You see why I told to you to stay away from me? Now I feel like I'm hurting you, and—"

"You are hurting me! Stop it! I know you feel something. Give me a shot! Don't—"

"Veronica, you're making it so much worse. We haven't even dated. Let go; just let go. Trust me, it's for your own good."

She breathed a little. "But it became more for me, Josh. It's not... please, give this a chance."

"I'm sorry, I need to go. Take care."

Veronica texted me a few times after that. She begged for me to reconsider, but when I texted her that I had made my choice and asked her not to text again, she started hate-texting me, accusing me of toying with her emotions, that I left her now without her best friend and without me.

I didn't reply since she was right about everything. Although I didn't mean to hurt her, it was clear to the both of us that she was emotionally invested in me by now, and I hadn't given her a fair shot to change how I felt. She was truly an incredible person, and it was a heavy burden for me to know that she was hurt.

Since I had fallen in love with my sister, I somehow managed to hurt three different girls, all amazing, without even trying to. In fact, I was doing everything in my power to avoid hurting them, but apparently, I was cursed with the gift of hurting. Shannon and Veronica were unbelievable girls inside and out, and I would have been the happiest with either if I could only have felt something for them, a little bit of what I was feeling for Brooke. Unfortunately, my sister was more amazing than them in every way; at least to me she was.

***

"Brooke, baby, please call me back. I know I fucked up, but I'm willing to do anything..." I sighed. "I love you so much. Call me back."

It had been seven days now, and Brooke was still ignoring my calls and texts. She was out of town to one of her poker tournaments as my father had informed me. Throughout that week, she hadn't stayed at home and hadn't showed for work, either. She hadn't even given our mother an excuse for her absence.

Veronica was still texting me, seven days later, every day at least thrice a day. She was making it so hard on me since she had a very good point: she never got the chance to make me fall in love with her as opposed to Shannon, and even though I kept telling myself that I didn't feel anything for her, I was forced to admit to myself that that might not have been completely true.

I was losing my mind. I needed my sister. I needed her bad. I now wanted her more than I ever wanted anything in my life. If she would just answer me once... just so I could hear her voice. My cock was back withering. I couldn't get erect again no matter what I had tried. It was ridiculous really. I couldn't get hard even when thinking about Brooke's phenomenal body, which used to make me hard in a split second. Everything in me just seemed to... die.

I couldn't take it anymore; I needed to do something. I went downstairs and inquired my mother of Brooke's whereabouts. She submitted her location but asked me not to go to her since it was a long drive. My mother was aware we had a falling-out, but that was all she knew. There was no chance I could wait until Sunday. I started the car, got on the road, and drove for five hours to get to my sister. By the time I arrived there, it was 9 p.m.. I called my mother and instructed her to discretely ask Brooke for her current location without disclosing that I was there looking for her.

Half-hour later, I entered the motel Brooke was staying at. I was about to ask the receptionist for her room number when I spied my sister sitting at the motel lounge, drinking coffee and laughing with some guy. He was sitting close to her and seemed a little too friendly for my taste.

"Why don't you take your seat back a little?" I shot him a look. "Give her some room to breathe. Now."

My sister gaped at me, mystified by my presence. "Josh, what are you doing here?"

"What do you think I'm doing here? I'm here for you."

"And who might you be?" asked the insignificant dude.

"Her boyfriend. Now go away."

"Boyfriend?" He turned to Brooke, upset. "You told me you didn't have a boyfriend."

"I don't." She darted a hateful look at me. "He's my brother."

I returned her angry stare. "And boyfriend."

"Sorry?" That guy's jaw plunged down all the way to the floor.

"Yeah, incest; get over it," I said.

To say he looked dumbfounded would be an understatement.

"You are not my boyfriend."

"Oh yes I am."

"You're... incest?" He was finally able to collect his jaw and put his tongue back to use.

But I was losing my patience. "Listen, whatever your name is, get lost." I shot him a murderous glower. "My girlfriend slash sister and I have things to talk about."

"This is really weird." He gawked between my sister and me. "I'm out of here."

After he took his leave, I paid for a cup of coffee at the bar and sat next to Brooke.

"I'm gonna kill Mom for this," she muttered, looking away.

I ogled her for at least half-minute. "Brooke, baby, you look so beautiful."

She did look beautiful. As always. She was wearing skinny jeans, a low-cut red blouse, and high-heel, leather black boots. Her golden brown hair gushed down her left breast, and her makeup was superb. Her long, slender legs were crossed in the most feminine, sexiest way, and so were her arms, though in less sexy and more furious manner. She was a goddess.

"Josh, you can't go tell people things like that -- that you're my boyfriend. Not only it is not true, you'll get us arrested."

"It is true, and I don't a give a shit anymore... Brooke, baby, god I've missed you. Did you have to ignore me all week? You couldn't even pick up once? I was dying, sweetheart."

"You don't deserve for me to take your calls, not after what you did to me."

"God, baby, I'm so sorry! I am willing to do whatever it takes! Just please give—"

"You fucked Veronica! You betrayed me! You've hurt me! You have broken my heart... go fuck yourself."

She looked away again, one slim thigh vibrating atop the other.

"And I am so fucking sorry, but surely there are extenuating circumstances here. You provoked me to think you were fucking your boyfriend! Come on, baby, cut me some slack here. I would have never—"

"I thought I owned your cock. I thought I owned you. I guess I was wrong."

"You weren't wrong, baby. You do own both me and my cock; I give you my word."

"If I had, you wouldn't have been able to fuck her."

I pulled my chair closer to her. "Okay, so check this out: I know what's going on with my cock. Do you wanna know?"

"Oh really? This should be interesting."

"Ever since you left me a week ago, I couldn't get hard anymore. That got me to think why that was happening, and I figured it out: The only time I was able to get hard without you was when I hated you! When I thought you fucked your boyfriend! But as soon as the truth came out... I don't think I'm physically capable of fucking Veronica now, not when I know the truth, not when I'm back loving you. You do own me, Brooke. All of me."

She reflected on my bold statement while sipping her coffee. "She keeps texting me every day. Did you know that?"

"Because she is also very sorry for—"

"You'd think that, but... no."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the first few days, she texted how sorry she was, blah, blah, blah... but now, she wants me to stop acting like a child and to go tell you that I am fine with you being together."

"Shit... Brooke, let's not talk about her for the time being. I want us—"

"You truly possess incredible powers over women, don't you, Josh?"

"Not at all, sweetheart. I'm nothing."

"Yes, you are... still, it's impressive how you got one of my best friends so hung up on you in so little time that getting you back is more important to her than me being her friend again."

"I understand you're mad, but—"

"Mad? Oh no, I'm much more than mad, Josh... much more."

"Furious then?"

"Whatever! I want coffee."

"Sure, baby."

I hurried to the bar and fetched her a double espresso. I set it down on the table, pretending to be oblivious to her scowl. "Sweetheart, Veronica is a good person, and you know that. She genuinely loves you, and she's just a little hurt right now, but she'll get over—"

"She is a good person; I don't blame her at all for this. She didn't mean to hurt me. She really does like you, and come to think of it, she wasn't the one who hurt me here. You, on the other hand... well, that's a totally different story, isn't it?"

I sighed. "Brooke, if you could—"

"After thinking about it, I'm inclined to tell her that I'm okay with you being together."

My eyes widened in befuddlement. "You're what?"

"You and I is never going to happen anymore, and she is really crushed by you. I don't want her to suffer. She doesn't deserve to suffer."

"But I don't want her! I want you!"

"She told me the story of you being in love with someone else, and she truly feels she can make you fall in love with her. At least she wants a shot at it, a shot at you... and you know what? Maybe she is what you need to get over me and to have that 'normal' life that you so desperately seek. Maybe she's the answer to all your prayers. Who knows?"

"That's what I'm trying to say! I don't want that 'normal' life anymore! I want us!"

"Oh, come on, Josh... you were grieving every day because of us. You've been doing everything in your power to fall out of love with me. Veronica might be your savior. Maybe she can do what Shannon couldn't."

"And you'd be okay with that? Is that what you're saying?"

"I will never be okay, not in this life. But I don't see why I should deny Veronica her happiness, just because there's no happiness for me."

I felt so heavyhearted listening to my sister's heartbreaking confession. "Sweetheart, can you let me talk for a minute without interruptions? Please?"

She didn't answer.

"Thank you, baby. For the past week, I have been so miserable—"

"That makes two of us," she interposed, a hurtful look on her face.

"I know, honey, and I'm so sorry... yes, you're right. It had been extremely difficult for me to accept that I'm in love with you, and yes, I had been doing everything in my power to fight it, but what I finally realized is that I'm—"

"A piece of shit?"

I sighed. "Brooke, baby, please let me finish."

She sipped her coffee, scowling quietly.

"Where was I...um... you know what? Let's get back to Veronica for a second. Veronica is a great girl, and maybe if I'd given her a shot, she might have been able to change how I feel about her, about you—"

"That's your idea of an apology? Because this is the worst one ever... God, I wanna fucking kill you."

"Brooke, no interruptions! Fuck..."

"Well get the fuck on with it already!"

"Okay; sorry, baby. What I am trying to say... is that I don't know if Veronica—or any other woman for that matter—can make me fall out of love with you, but I'm not even willing to take that risk; I won't. I'm in love with you, and I will remain in love with you to my last day."

A sad tear coursed down her left cheek at the sound of that, although she did her best to disguise it.

"Brooke, do you remember that weekend at the hotel? When you told me you didn't want to escape it? That you loved it that you were in love with me? That's how I feel now. Not only I'm so madly in love you, I'm in love with being in love with you. I don't want to escape it. I want to start a life with you as my... lover and partner for life."

More tears streamed down from her big hazel eyes, but she could not conceal those. "I'm still your sister... it's still illegal... are you telling me you're suddenly ready to take on the world? To hide us? To lie about us?"

"I am ready to do anything to be with you. You are only my sister by familial proximity, but you are not my sister in my heart, in my mind... I think we both know that ship has long sailed. I will never be able to look at you the way I did six months ago... the way other brothers look at their sisters."

"Then how do you look at me?" she asked in a tearful undertone.

"I look at you... as the woman of my dreams. When I look at you, I see the sexiest girl I've ever seen. I see someone sensitive, funny, and incredible in every way. I see you the way husbands see their wives. You are the object of my desire, Brooke. Is it wrong? I used to think so... but not anymore, I don't. I don't think it's wrong at all. The only thing that's wrong here is that society wants to persuade us that it's wrong, and they might have fooled me for a while, but the jig is up. You and I are more right than any other couple in this world, and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise."

My sister was now weeping intensely. She was emotional enough that I felt I could get closer to her without her rejecting me.

"Brooke, baby"—I stroked her tears away with my thumb—"please forgive me, please... you were right all along. I just needed a little time to catch up. I love you so much. I don't want to even imagine that someone else will get to wake up next to you every day, get to make love to you... get to love you. You're mine. You have to be."

She took my hand off her tearful cheek. "I am very glad that... you finally understand that I was right from the get go. Un—"

"I'm glad that—"

"Unfortunately... what's done is done. You had sex with a person who isn't me, and I don't think I can ever forgive you... I don't know if you're even worthy of the love I have for you. What you—"

"Brooke, sweetheart, don't be like—"

"What you've put me through the last few months... is almost unforgivable, Josh." Her eyes were bleeding her tears. "You made me go out with other men... you made me sit and watch as you were going to your girlfriend... you constantly rejected my love, me. You took me for granted... I think you might be a little late here."

"Don't say that, baby. It's not too late, and I know I'm not worthy of you, but if you give me a shot, I'll prove to you that I'm willing to do anything for you to—"

"No. I am not willing to risk my heart again... I am not putting myself out there again, not for you. It will take for me years until I'm able to trust another man again... to give my heart again... and it's all because you didn't think that my heart was something you... should have been careful with, like it was nothing."

Tears were coming down my cheeks. "I am so sorry... I'm not a good person, I know that, but... I am better when I'm with you. I will not play with your heart again, Brooke. I swear on my life I won't."

"Go home, Josh." She stood up. "Tell Veronica I said hi."

***

I returned home like my sister had instructed me. I drove all night, heartbroken, until I was back crying in my room. I underestimated the hurt I had caused Brooke. It tore at my heart to think that she had been carrying all this pain for so many months just because I hadn't given her a way out, the out that she'd wanted: for me to accept that we should be together. I was now more lost than ever. Just as I accepted that there was no one else for me but her, she slammed the door on me, forcing me to live without her.

But I couldn't. So I decided to keep at it -- going after her with hopes that my tenacity would eventually be rewarded. Brooke was now home, and life was back to normal with her spending her days at the flower shop while I spent mine trading; however, life was nowhere near back to normal. I kept calling Brooke every day, all day. I texted incessantly, I emailed, I wrote her love letters... I did anything I could think of. Although she didn't reciprocate even once, I didn't let it discourage me.

What did manage to crush my spirit was to watch my sister going out on dates, getting back late at night, moving on... I was in a tight spot as I ceased living my life while she was going forward as emphatically as she could with hers. Four months I had kept this up: courting Brooke, getting nothing in return, and watching her swapping boyfriend like baseball cards. She completely ignored my existence, and I was hurting every day because of her.

Veronica stopped calling and texting eventually. She was now dating some guy I knew from school as I had once seen them at the movies while with my friends, though I made sure she didn't see me. It hurt a little. Maybe it was my ego, or maybe because I knew I had let go on an amazing girl, or maybe because I speculated that she might have been able to make me fall out of love with Brooke. Maybe she was the only one who could.

***

On Saturday morning, approximately 4 a.m., my sleep was disturbed by the sound of my sister's roaring laughter. She had such a gleeful and genuine laugh that could not be mistaken with anyone else's. I climbed out of bed and paced to my window. I opened the blinds to see my sister standing next to her boyfriend outside his car. She'd been out all night. I knew that because I was monitoring her movements. I had been doing that for months now.