Siblings with Benefits Ch. 23

Author's note;

Although this chapter will contain one more trip into the past; to the day following Mark and Megan's "Date", it begins back in the present.

Now because it has been awhile since we were in the present (Chapter 10) Here is a brief synopsis of what has gone on before.

Chapter's 1-3 Megan Hanson a successful artist from Chicago, is having a difficult time; strung out from long hours to make a deadline, battling an attack of insomnia, and also depressed over the end of yet another failed attempt at love Megan returns home to Providence to visit her brother, Mark Phillips, a high profile attorney and notorious lady killer. Megan and Mark are very close; in addition to being brother and sister, they are each other's best friends and have also been "Siblings with Benefits" for close to two decades. These 3 chapters cover Megan's "homecoming"

Chapter's 4-7- As the two relax on Mark's deck, Mark tells the story of how Megan took his virginity and the details of their first wild weekend together.

Chapter's 8-10 After Megan receives an offer to do some work for a wealthy client and finds out she will have to cut her visit short Mark surprises her by rather than continuing their usual hardcore sex games, taking her into his bedroom and after making love to her professes his love for her. Megan, unsure if he is serious or just trying to make her feel good, acts as if she were not taking it seriously and leaves him broken hearted. After a violent sexual encounter Megan decides they need a couple of days apart and goes to visit her parents where she finds her old journal and begins reading it.

Chapter's 11-22 All cover a six month period of time that shows the ups and downs of their bizarre relationship as well as Megan's growing issues with drugs and alcohol and Mark's rage issues.

Chapter 23-This chapter begins where ten left off with Megan in her old bedroom at her parents' house.

*

I looked up from the journal with my eyes burning and my head racing. Putting the book upside down on the bed so it would stay open, I picked up my blackberry and saw that it was three am; I had been reading for close to four hours. Dropping the phone I rubbed at my eyes trying to stop them from stinging. I definitely had a better chance of reducing the discomfort there than I did with slowing down my mind which was now in overdrive.

When I had first entered my old bedroom and lied down I'd had the feeling that my brother and I had come full circle; now after reading the journal that thought was driven home even harder. The amazing thing was that I hadn't remembered that night at all. I am well aware that my mind has quite mercifully blocked out quite a few things from my "lost decade" as I commonly refer to the time period that my addiction held sway over me.

What I hadn't realized however was that, apparently, my mind had decided to "forget" things that happened even before that. Reading the journal had brought back those painful memories, of how needy, and selfish I had been in the months that had led up to that night in my brother's apartment where I had, using some sort of twisted logic, decided to cut my brother loose from his needy anchor of a sister.

It had also hurt to recall how I had betrayed my brother and ruined his chances with Krissy. Through my twelve step program I had been taught to not play the "what if" game, that it would only lead to feelings of remorse and guilt, feelings that in the past always had led me back into darkness. Tonight however I couldn't help it. Couldn't help but wonder how different Mark's and my lives could have been.

What if Mark had gotten back together with Krissy? Would sweet little Krissy have been enough to contain Mark's own growing darkness? Odds are probably not; even before I had gotten Mark into that fight with Jack he and Krissy had been on the way out. Mark was becoming cockier, flirting with any girl who looked his way, and had also been trying to push Krissy into the rough sex that he had been enjoying with his big sister.

Of course the biggest question flooding my mind was what if I had chosen differently on that amazing night? What if, instead of turning Mark's special night into another S&M session, I had given in and let my brother love me the way he had wanted to? Mark would have loved me that night the way he had this past Saturday night, when once again just to show how consistent I was, I threw it away again. This time however things were much more serious.

Back then Mark had been confused, not quite sure what was going on, just following my lead. On the other hand this past Saturday it was pretty obvious that my brother had known exactly what he wanted, and to make it even worse, this time I let him go through with making love to me, before breaking his heart. To think I had been complaining that night that no one had ever made love to me before and I could have had it almost twenty years ago when...

I stopped and cocked my head and once again, like earlier today, I had the feeling that I had experienced that before, but couldn't quite picture it. This time, instead of letting the thought drift away, I focused on it; and had an image of my brother over me, moving slowly and gently, a look of love in his eyes, that same look that I had just read about. I frowned as the image slipped away, when had it been? Mark hadn't appeared to be that young, yet it certainly hadn't been recently.

I shook my head and went back to my original thought of, what if I had let Mark continue? How different would things have been if back then we had decided to become a couple? Would my brother's love have been enough to keep me from sinking further into addiction? On one hand I thought probably, as it was Tommy who had first gotten me to try coke, and I only went with him because I wanted to put distance between Mark and myself; wanting Mark to see that I had someone and wouldn't be lonely.

Unable to stop myself I continued down that path, thinking of all the pain and suffering I had put myself and my family through. Could it have all been avoided? And not just the pain I had caused my parents and brother, but Tommy himself. Tommy had spent years in and out of my life, and I had treated him like shit, like a pet rather than a lover. Near the end however, when I had managed to stay sober for six months and it seemed like I would be okay once and for all Tommy had professed his love to me and proposed. I accepted even though there was a part of me that knew I wasn't in love with him.

Still, I had moved in with him and even avoided sex with Mark, well more accurately Mark stayed away from it out of respect for the fact I was now wearing a ring. On that note I was hit with another wave of sadness as it had been fairly easy for Mark to not sleep with me as I had done a lot of damage to our relationship over the previous ten years. In the end I fell off the wagon again, no that wasn't true I jumped off the wagon unable to deal with the endless emptiness I felt. Even after that Tommy wanted me to stay, at that point strung out on coke I deliberately broke his heart by...

I shook my head and immediately backed away from that thought. What I had done to Tommy in the end had led to the worst time of my life and I wouldn't, or more accurately could not go down that path. As I took a few long deep breaths to clear my head I remembered what my program, as well as my therapist had taught me; that as an addict I always blamed myself. Trust me, I am well aware that most of the pain I had caused was my fault, but it was that mentality that had kept it going. For years stuck in the vicious circle of addiction and guilt. First I would clean up for a while then as I looked around and saw the pain I had caused I would feel terrible and eventually in order to ease that pain go right back to the solace of alcohol and drugs.

Back then even when I was sober I never felt as if I was worthy of the people in my life, that I somehow didn't deserve their love or kindness. I did this for years until my brother, on the darkest day of my life had somehow convinced me otherwise. I say somehow because I couldn't seem to completely remember how.

"Stop it!" I said aloud.

This time I meant it, enough of going down that path. The reality was I had made the right decision all those years ago. I probably hadn't gone about it the right way, but I had done the right thing. I had definitely made the right move for Mark. I was right in thinking I would have brought him down. I had wanted to feel as if life had cheated me by putting that perfect man in my life and making it so I couldn't have him.

The fact was I had made it so I couldn't have him. I let Mark go because I was going downhill and quickly. My brother could never have stopped me. Mark had been by my side for months at that point and I was still drinking and getting worse. The bottom line was that I controlled my brother, no matter if he thought I should or shouldn't if I wanted to do it Mark would let me. As a matter of fact there were many times that Mark and I would go out of town and party together, just to be able to enjoy each other out in the open and I would do coke right in front of him. Once again however I was just looking at it from the point of view of it being my entire fault.

There was something else that would have gotten in the way; because what no one, not even myself knew was that my brother had been sick back then. Mark knew, he had always known, but part of what made him sick also made him not tell anyone, even his big sister. In the defense of everyone around him, my parents, myself, even Krissy, it was hard to picture anything wrong with Mark besides his temper, because he functioned at such a high level. Succeeding at everything he did. It wouldn't be until a few months after the Max incident that I would find out the secret that my brother had kept for years; that he had inherited our father's curse.

Just as there are many things I had done in the past that we have vowed not to talk about, Mark and I never discuss his condition. To this day Mark has kept himself in check through medication, but every once in awhile an extreme amount of stress could cause him to start to lose his grip on things. Stressful situations like his selfish big sister breaking his heart. On that note I found myself worrying about him. Although his medication was supposed to repress it, Mark's still very active temper was a testament to how much rage my brother still contained within himself.

Yesterday was as worked up as I had seen him in a long time, and although I had been a good big sister and taken one for the team by letting him all but rape me in the shower, the next stage for Mark would be depression and I'm sure even now he was probably lying there awake, humiliated and in pain. I had said we would need a couple of days apart but I would have to see him at some point tomorrow, make sure he was okay.

I sighed heavily, this was why I had moved, these little trips down memory lane were never good for me. I had thought the first part of the journal would be light hearted and fun; just some dirty little stories that, at the worst, would end with me playing with myself. Instead I had awoken those feelings of guilt and shame by reading about how I had lied to my parents to save Mark from the trouble I had caused in the first place, about how my mother had tried so hard to help me. On that note I reached up and held the locket, that to this day I still wore all the time to remind me that no how bad I felt, or what I may have done in the past that there were people who loved me. I narrowed my eyes as I swear that I could hear my brother's voice saying that to me. I rubbed at my eyes again. I had slept very little Saturday night and here it was after three am, and, although tired, I was still wired for sound. Reaching down I picked up the journal planning on tossing it onto the nightstand. Instead I found myself opening it again and looking down at the page after I had left off. It was dated two days after the night that my brother had taken me out for that amazing night. I stared at the page telling myself that at this point I didn't need to read anymore, but at the same time although I thought I knew what I had done that day after to free my brother, I had forgotten so much. With a feeling of resignation I once again leaned back against the pillows and, bringing the journal up, began to read.

Mark's apartment, the morning after.

I opened my eyes to find myself face to face with the large goat's head of Mark's Baphomet tattoo staring me in the face. The sight of the image in my half asleep state startled me, causing me to flinch back. I let out a breath and rolled my eyes at how stupid I felt. I lifted my head and glancing around the room to get my bearings and realized where I was.

I was lying with my brother in his bed, in his apartment. I shook my head at the thought; my little brother had his own place now. I noticed the bedroom door was wide open which gave me a thrill. No more locking the doors, no more trying to be quiet, and most importantly no more having to get dressed when we were finished or one of us having to get up and go into their own room.

On that happy note I put my head back down and once again looked at my brother's colorful, extremely well muscled back. Mark was lying on his stomach and I let my eyes wander down his back to where the sheet stopped just above his ass. I had been lying there on my side with my left hand resting on his shoulder. I smiled at how good my long red nails and ivory skin looked against my brother's tanned, heavily tattooed arm. Even sexier than that was the feel of my left leg, which was under the covers, draped over his.

Normally Mark and I fell asleep with me on my side and him cuddled up behind me and last night had been no exception. However after I had gotten up last night to finish the bottle of champagne and cry over what I realized could never be, I had come back to bed and decided to curl up behind Mark. With a sigh I carefully laid my head back down on his back and snuggled up even closer to him. I could feel my left tit pressing into his back and the heat of my pussy against his leg.

As I lied there enjoying the incredible feeling of my body wrapped around my brother's, I found myself thinking again about last night. This of course immediately led to my eyes filling up as it occurred to me that lying here like this was just another tease, that I could certainly enjoy this whenever I wanted to, but in order to be fair to Mark, could never enjoy it all the time. Then again I thought to myself, why couldn't I?

Last night I had told Mark that although I loved him dearly it was as my brother, that the sex between us just that; a hot little taboo that we both enjoyed, a dirty little secret that had us laughing at everyone as we broke one of nature's oldest laws. There was more to it of course. Mark and I also knew that it was more than just sex, it was also the comfort that we shared, and no matter how bad either of us felt, being in each other's arms made it better. Neither of us ever had nightmares when we together or had yet to meet anyone else who could make us feel that way.

Regardless, the two of us could never be more to each other(;). I had made that rule way back when we had started that "All the time" could never work for a variety of reasons and besides there would be someone out there for each of us that would be able to make us feel that way and we would never be able to find them if we were always together. I had been afraid of breaking Mark's heart last night but he seemed okay about it, saying he was just trying to take care of me and give me what I needed. I had told him I appreciated it but would find it eventually.

Now lying here, absolutely loving the way we felt together, and not only that, but in a place that I could come anytime and enjoy with no worries, I found myself hedging. I could tell Mark that maybe I was wrong; maybe we could try to spend more time together and see what happened. Mark would be okay with that as well, I knew he would because he was always okay with anything his big sister wanted.

On that note the sadness came back, that was the entire point; Mark would do whatever I wanted. Last night I had been right; my brother had a hell of a future in front of him and all I would do was either hold him back or, if we were ever found out, flat out lose it for him. I knew that it was all up to me. Mark was as strong willed as they came, he was smart, disciplined, and flat out stubborn as hell; he did what he chose and took what he wanted.

Unless of course it involved his big sister Megan, then Mark took whatever I wanted or, more appropriately, allowed himself to be taken by her. The truth was that Mark was totally enthralled by me and would go along with anything I said or did. My drinking was a perfect example; he knew I shouldn't and had even tried stopping me. All it took was for me to tell him that if he didn't help me get something that he wouldn't be allowed in my bed anymore and he had gone out and gotten me a bottle.

I had all but bullied him into fucking me at Mitch's the night that I had betrayed him by lying to Krissy and even after finding out that I had done that he had forgiven me. Mark had zero tolerance for everyone else, yet I could do no wrong and for the last couple of months had taken full advantage of it. Looking at the last couple of years I could easily see where I had that sway over him.

When Mark had first come to live with us I was the only one he would speak to, the only person he trusted. Two years later I would also walk into his room and become his first lover. At first I had felt a little guilty, thinking that I really was a sick puppy and had talked Mark into doing it, a few days later however Mark would admit to me that he had been fantasizing about his sexy big sister for quite awhile and I had made it real for him. Between owning his trust as well as being the object of his every desire, and lately the very willing participant in his sick little sex games, Mark was putty in my hand.

I sighed, no it had to end. Lying there I started idly tickling my nails across Mark's back. Despite my melancholy thoughts I couldn't help but smile when Mark made that cute little cooing noise in his sleep as I caressed his back. As I began to slowly trace the tattooed letters of "Lex Talionis" on his back I knew that I would have to take last night one step further. I had told Mark that we wouldn't be more, but until Mark felt I was "okay" he would still give me his full attention.

Still rubbing Mark's back it occurred to me how I could do it. It wouldn't be hard at all and who knew? Maybe in the end it would even work out for us. Although in my mind any man after my brother would be settling. In the meantime, I thought as I continued to smile at Mark's adorable little noises, my brother deserved a proper good morning on his first full day in his new place.

"Hmmm." Mark sighed. "That feels nice."

Sliding up a little further I leaned my head over and, after kissing him on the neck, whispered;

"Good morning little brother, have a nice night last night?"

"Anytime I wake up with my hot sister it must have been a great night." He replied.

"Yeah, but this is a special morning Mark," I said. "Your first morning in your nice new place."

As I spoke I trailed my hand down his back and slid it under the covers.

"I know ," Mark began. "Isn't it... ohhh damn."

Mark moaned out as my hand reached down between his legs and started rubbing his balls. Mark let out a deep sigh as I kept playing and started kissing his back while sitting up enough that he could feel my hard left nipple also going across his back. I still had my leg draped over his and as I began to rock my hips back and forth I could feel my already wet pussy sliding along his thigh. Removing my hand from between my brother's legs I pulled at his shoulder;