Silent Shout

I removed the final screen and got to work on storing away the rest of the inks. As I opened the cabinet below my desk, I saw the small black box decorated with gold leaf. I couldn't tell you how many times I had opened and closed this box in the past month, staring at the two golden bands inside, trying to think of the perfect time to ask Davey to be with me forever.

It for sure wouldn't be this weekend. I was working overtime on my birthday–perfect. I had promised Davey that I would come home for my birthday, but the guy who was scheduled to work this evening called out sick with the flu. I had already called Davey's parents, asking them to let him know I wouldn't be able to make it. I felt horrible about canceling, because I knew Davey felt just as bad about it as I did.

By the time I made my way down the stairs, it was nearly midnight. I don't know how I was expected to get the work of two people done by a reasonable hour, but life just unfolds this way sometimes.

As I locked the door behind me, I heard a soft whimpering coming from the alleyway. "Is someone down there?" I called out, craning my neck around the corner and peering into the darkness. I got no reply, but the whimpering sound stopped. "Hello?" I called out again, taking a step down the alley. The light above some business's back door flickered over their stoop, revealing the shadowy silhouette of a huddled figure. "Oh my god, are you okay?" I said softly, walking more quickly toward the quivering body.

Suddenly, I felt my breathing catch in my throat as my approach was brought to a screeching halt. I could make out the figure more clearly–those long, thin arms now scratched and bruised, wrapped tightly around trembling knees, shining dark hair covering milky pale shoulders, the watery Prussian blue of the piercing gaze that met mine in the darkness.

"........ Davey?!"

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Davey

"David, that was Oliver on the phone. He wanted me to tell you that he wouldn't be able to make it home tonight, but he promised to come next weekend. It seems like people are dropping like flies with flu in New York, and he's had to cover for a sick co-worker..." my mother spoke gently, her head sticking out of the crack in my bedroom door.

I hung my head and wrapped myself in my covers. As if it wasn't hard enough to only be with Oliver on weekends, now it really seemed as if he were leaving me. I could see it: slowly but surely, we would see each other less and less until bit by bit we grew apart. He would find someone else, someone who could give him more. He would find someone more handsome, someone taller, someone less fragile.

No. I wouldn't let this happen. It was Oliver's birthday, after all. I hadn't given him his present yet. I'd go to the city tonight and surprise him.

I snatched up the manilla envelope I had decorated with a large red ribbon, slipped on my shoes and opened my window. I didn't have time to express to my parents why I had to leave, and they would never let me go to New York by myself in the middle of the night. I never made much noise, so they probably wouldn't even notice I was gone.

I silently thanked whoever built our house for putting my bedroom on the first floor as I slid softly onto the plush green lawn. I walked around to the back of the house and got on my bike, heading off quickly in the direction of the nearest bus station. It was only 7:35. I could make it there before Oliver's print shop closed.

When I arrived at the station, I was relieved to find a bus to New York would be leaving in under half an hour. The wait was excruciating and the two-hour bus ride was even worse, but it was all worth it to see the look on Oliver's face when he saw me waiting for him. It would be completely worth it. Happy birthday!

I arrived in Manhattan around 10:30 and caught a cab. I handed the driver the address of Oliver's workplace and arrived in almost no time at all, leaving me more than an hour to wait. Better to be early than late, I always thought.

I walked around the block a couple of times, taking in the atmosphere of the city. I had only been here twice before and both times I was just a child. I had never been out like this, in the night and by myself. It felt almost liberating, thinking about the variety and diversity of a place like this and the utter freedom that came along with it. This place made me feel like I could fly away. But I couldn't fly without my wings. I couldn't fly without my Oliver.

So I waited. I sat down on the stoop of his building and watched the people pass me by, the glimmer of lights shining in their eyes. As time slowly crept along, fewer and fewer people came across my path. I turned my attention to the sidewalk, following the winding cracks in the concrete with my eyes. Suddenly, my eyes stopped as a pair of feet, clad in a pair of dirty sneakers stepped into view, stopping just in front of me on the sidewalk.

"You waiting for someone, kid?" the man in front of me spoke. His voice had a sort of sarcasm deeply embedded in it. It reminded me of all the kids at school I ever hated. I nodded a yes in reply.

"Well, my place is just around the block if you wanna go wait there with me." With this comment, I looked up into his face. He was a lot taller than I was and his face had this smug look about it that contorted his features that probably could have been handsome. I shook my head no. I just wanted to be left alone. It shouldn't be too much longer until Oliver comes out.

"What, cat got your tongue?" Ahh, very funny. I nodded yes.

"You think you're fuckin' smart?" I looked away from those eyes. I recognized the look in them immediately–that deep dark blackness. I didn't like this man at all.

"Somebody ought to teach you a lesson, you fuckin' brat." He took a step closer to me and I flinched, shutting my eyes tight. Get it over with. Just go. He put his hands in my hair, pulling so hard he brought me to my feet. This was becoming too familiar. "Look at you. I bet you scream like a fuckin' girl, don't ya?"

He swung me around and slammed me hard into the brick wall behind me. The throbbing pain filled my ears. I could feel the air vibrating around me. I'm sure he was saying something, probably yelling at me, but I couldn't hear. I could only hear the pain.

I felt a rough, calloused hand slide under my shirt, groping at my flesh. I moved my arms, trying in vain to get him to stop. For a moment, he paused. I felt something being tugged from my hand. "What's this?" the man questioned over the sound of my own pulse. He was trying to take away my envelope. Don't! That's for Oliver!!

He wrenched it from my grip and ripped open the top, making a tiny tear in the red ribbon I had tied so carefully. Don't!

"Aww! Ain't this a pretty fuckin' sight? Little powderpuff and his boyfriend, huh? You draw this shit? Well, I bet your little sweetheart can't fuck you like I will..." I watched the world move in slow motion as he threw my picture into the alley beside us and dragged me down with it into the darkness.

Oliver.... Oliver.... Oliver..............

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Oliver

"........ Davey?!"

My legs felt like the were going to give out as I ran as fast as I could to my Davey's side. I fell to the ground beside him and wrapped his shaking body in my arms. I felt his warm tears soak into my shirt as he wept silently on my shoulder. I kissed every inch of his skin that I could reach in my position, wishing my love could make his cuts and bruises fade away. "Oh my god, oh my god... Davey.... What happened to you?! Oh god, your shirt's ripped... Did you get mugged?!"

Davey slowly shook his head, still sniffling. "Did somebody... Oh god, did somebody touch you?!"

Davey didn't say anything. He didn't have to. He just balled up his fists in the fabric of my shirt and sobbed violently against my chest. "Davey?! Oh... I'm so sorry, Davey... If I had just blown off work and come home... I'm so sorry..." I cried, gently combing my fingers through his fine dark hair, freeing it from the dirt and tangled knots. "I swear, I'll never leave you again. Oh god... How could somebody do this? My Davey.... My Davey...."

I don't know how long we stayed like this, wrapped up in each other, holding on for dear life. I never wanted to let him go again.

"Okay, Davey," I said, wiping my eyes with my sleeve, "I've got to call the police, okay? You need to go to the hospital and get checked out and maybe you can even identify the guy. I'll be right there with you, okay? And I'll get your parents. Everything's going to be alright..." I felt one of Davey's cool delicate hands come to rest on my chest. He was asking me to wait. I felt Davey push away from me and watched as he slowly crawled across the alley. "Wait, Davey! What are you doing?" He stopped, picking up a piece of paper in his hand and crawled back to me, sitting beside me and resting his head on my shoulder.

He handed me a dirty manila envelope that looked like it had already been ripped open, but was decorated with a slightly grimy, but still bright ribbon, tied in a bow. A birthday present. "Davey, I'll open this later. Right now is not the time! We need to get you to a hospi..." He reached out and patted the envelope. Open it now.

"Alright, Davey..." I pulled out the sheet of paper inside and was stricken breathless by what I saw. It was a pencil drawing of a busy city street. Cars were but grey blurs as the sped past and the surrounding buildings sprung up like wildflowers. In the middle of all the commotion stood an image of me, and just before me, standing on his tiptoes, his arms looped around my neck, was Davey, staring into my eyes.

"You..." I started, my fingers tracing over the image as if I felt it could suck me in and make it a reality. Tears welled up in my eyes once more and I had to look away from the paper for fear of wetting it. I turned to look at Davey and was met with his shining blue eyes. It was just like the picture. "Davey... It's so beautiful..." I leaned in, gently holding his chin as I kissed him tenderly on the lips.

"My Davey..."

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Davey stayed in the hospital for about a week while he recuperated. He was treated for a fractured rib and a few other minor injuries. After finding that he had been forced, Davey's doctor ran all sorts of tests and found that fortunately he was completely clean. Davey's body would recover.

I never left his side for all the days that he stayed at New York Presbyterian. I couldn't bear to be without him for even a minute. While I was there, I withdrew from school at NYU and applied as a transfer student at University of Pennsylvania in Philly. Only a few more phone calls to make and I could have this all sorted out...

His parents were very supportive and brought me changes of clothes and my laptop when they weren't in Davey's room with me. It was almost as if I was as much their son as Davey was. They didn't know how much I wanted that to be true.

The day before Davey was to be released, I took his parents aside for a moment. "Mr. and Mrs. Roth, I have a couple of questions I'd like to ask you," I was a lot more nervous in this moment than I thought I would be. I wrung my hands, my eyes focused on my toes as I continued, "Davey... ah... David and I have been together for a really long time, and I really want to be with him for much much much longer. Um, forever, really. And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way...and... ah..." I was cut off by a firm hand on my shoulder, "It's Stephen and Sheila to you, Oliver," Mr. Roth said, comfortingly, a big smile stretching across his face. "And we both know how happy you make David. If you want to be his partner, we would be love to have you as our son."

I looked up, relief flooding my body and relieving the tension. "Really?" I said, looking up hopefully, not believing that this was happening. It wasn't that I didn't expect support from Davey's parents, but this whole scene felt completely surreal. "Of course, Oliver," Mrs. Roth...well, Sheila said to me, her bright blue eyes sparkling and bright with tears. Davey definitely had his mother's eyes. "What else did you want to ask us?"

"Well...I've made a couple of calls to my parents and they have already moved all my things into the guesthouse on their property. I've transferred to school in Philly. So, I was wondering if it would be okay if I asked Davey to move in with me. It's not too far from your house or from campus, so I thought it would be ideal." I stumbled through my sentences, letting it all out in one breath.

"Absolutely," Stephen said, patting me on the back again. "Just as long as you're making sure he's eating well! David's gotten so thin these days," Sheila piped up, smiling at me as she wrapped her arm around her husband's waist. There was something so comfortable about their relationship. It reminded me of me and Davey.

"You guys are amazing!" I beamed. "Just one more thing..."

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Davey clung to my hand, his cool fingers chilling my skin, as his mother wheeled him down the hall and toward the exit.

"I'll take him home," I smiled to Sheila as she pushed Davey through the doors and stopped beside our cab. Sheila affectionately smiled back at me, those same glittering tears filling her eyes, "I'll see you later, Oliver," she said to me. "Take care, David," she knelt beside Davey, kissing him on the cheek, "I love you."

"Shall we?" I said, opening the door nearest Davey and helping him from the wheelchair into his seat.

I gave the driver the address of my dorm and was met with a confused look from Davey. "I've got to get my car. What are we going to do, take a cab back to Philly?" Davey smiled and sighed, holding onto my hand tightly. I never wanted to let go.

On the drive back to Philadelphia, I was completely restless. I couldn't stop running my hand along my thigh, my fingers lingering over the square box in my pants pocket. I tried to will the distance to shrink between New York and Philly, but apparently my ability to bend the universe around my mind was weaker than I thought. 'There is no spoon, there is no spoon.' It was useless.

Eventually, the scenery became much more familiar until we arrived at our neighborhood. I turned down the street that Davey's house was on and smiled as we drove past it. I looked over at Davey who was giving me the same confused look as before. I just smiled wider as I continued down the road. He pulled on my sleeve after a couple of minutes of me not giving him an answer. "Just be patient. It'll be worth it, I promise." Davey furrowed his brows and crossed his arms, but calmed down.

A few more miles and about ten minutes later, we arrived. I pulled down the long driveway toward my house. But instead of heading toward the main part, I turned off on a smaller branch off the main drive. I pulled up on the parking brake as I stopped the car just outside the guesthouse. It wasn't much, but it was definitely big enough for the two of us. "We're home!" Davey looked confused yet again, his eyebrows disappearing beneath his dark hair. "Come on, at least get out of the car first."

I fetched my backpack and computer from the trunk and ran over to Davey's side, taking his hand as I lead him inside. My parents had already brought all my things inside. "I must remember to express my gratitude to those lovely begetters!" I laughed quietly as I threw my backpack onto the couch before turning around to see Davey. His eyes shifted all around the room, looking a bit uneasy.

"I guess I've got some explaining to do, huh?" Davey nodded his head firmly as his eyes moved over to my face. "Well..." I started, fishing around in my pocket. "Let's start at the start," I walked over to Davey, holding the box tightly in my hands. When I stood just in front of him, I held his hand as I knelt down on one knee. This is how you're supposed to do this, right? I opened the box and watched Davey's eyes go as wide as the clear blue skies above him.

"Well, I love you, Davey. There's no two ways about it. I love you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to watch you smile and I want to hold you when you cry and I want you to be mine. I want you to live with me in this house and maybe one day we'll talk about children, but right now, I just want you and me together. We could get a dog if you want. I'd love to hear the pitter-patter of little paws... But really all I want is to be yours as much as you're mine. Please, be my Davey forever," I took out one of the rings from the box and slid it over his long, thin ring finger. I smiled as it snugly fit in place.

I looked up into Davey's eyes as they filled with tears. His breathing was getting shallow as his eyes shifted from my face to his hand and back again. "Well?" I said, getting just a shade impatient, knowing that Davey had just gotten lost in the moment. His eyes snapped back down to mine as he smiled and nodded an almost violent yes that sent the black silk of his hair flying. He got down on his knees in front of me, joining me on the hardwood floor as he wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me more passionately than he ever had before. I opened my mouth to his persistent tongue as we explored each other as if it were the very first time.

Slowly, Davey pulled away from me and grasped my hand still holding the box containing the other gold band. He took the ring from the box and looked me in the eye, asking for my hand. I stretched my arm out before me as he slid the ring over my finger and gently kissed my hand.

"I love you, my Davey."

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Davey

I reached out across the bed and laid my hand on Oliver's pillow. I could still feel the heat where his body just was. I have woken up like this, with Oliver by my side, for three-hundred-and-sixty-five days in a row now. Nothing could make me happier than having Oliver here with me.

But every time I look at him, I can't help but feel despicable, despite (or even due to) the joy I felt being with him like this. Oliver must never know this side of me–this awful, sordid thing that has happened to my mind.

I'm not afraid of this side of me. I am only afraid of how Oliver would react if he knew.

If he knew that I was glad that that man beat me and held me down in that alleyway, would Oliver still love me? Would he still share his bed with such a foul person? Would he still run his fingers through my hair and call me his?

That man–that man whose identity I would never know, that man who was never caught–he gave me my Oliver back. I was frightened. I thought I was going to die there in that alley. Of course I was frightened. But now, I almost feel indebted to that man. I don't care how wrong it is. Oliver was slipping away from me, but because of that night, he will always be by my side. I don't even care if it's out of pity. For having these thoughts, I am forever abominable. I have become something horrid and twisted inside. But seeing Oliver's face, feeling his touch, I thank all the gods for whatever it is that brought him into my life. He can't leave me now, and for that I am grateful. No matter how wrong it is.

Oliver stepped out of the bathroom, a white towel wrapped low around his waist. Does he know?

"Morning, my Davey," Oliver says, crawling in bed beside me and kissing my forehead. I kiss him back on the mouth. As the kiss becomes more intense, I feel him push back the covers from my body, his hands warm and soft from the hot water of his shower. His hands roam all over my body, slowing between my legs. I feel one of this fingers slip inside me and I let out a small gasp.