Sister Monica Ch. 03

"Damn. I can't keep my hands off you," he said.

"I'm not doing any better, am I?" she said, and they laughed, nervously. He was scared. And he sensed that she was scared, too. "And that's the trouble, Josh. Here I am, wanting to talk to you about something, something very important, all day. And what have I done? I've . . ."

"Behaved like the sexy, kinky girl you are?"

She shook her head, laughed again. "I feel so young and carefree when I'm with you, Josh."

"Great. Then there's nothing to talk about, is there? We can keep—"

"Josh, please. No more. I really have to say something now. Okay?"

He nodded. He couldn't stall her any longer. It would all have to come out now.

She swallowed, looked down at her lap. "This whole past weekend, I tried telling myself that what we did last week was a terrible mistake. I prayed a lot, asked for forgiveness. But through it all, I kept missing you, Josh. I was saying one thing, but feeling something else entirely."

He sat there, waiting, waiting. He still couldn't tell where she was going with this, but he felt like everything—the world, the universe, everything—rested in the balance of what she was about to say.

"I always felt that I had a calling," she said. "I take it very seriously, and I always thought it was the most important aspect of my life. But now, after last week, after today, I'm just not sure anymore. I never felt anything like this before. When we're not together, I find myself wanting to be near you, to kiss you, hold you. It's so scary, Josh. And it seems so wrong. That's what I keep trying to tell myself, but then I just keep wanting to be near you."

She put her head in her hands. He wanted to comfort her, but he was so confused. Was she giving him the brush-off, or not? She was talking in circles.

"Look, Sister Monica . . ."

"Please let me finish," she said.

"I just need to know if you want to see me anymore," he said. "Because I'll tell you right now, and I was so damn scared to say it, but I'm saying it. I never felt this way toward anyone before. I'm falling in love with you, Sister Monica. Right, wrong, who knows. But that's the way it is."

She looked at him, hugged him. "Aren't you going to say anything?" he asked. He felt like he was going numb. Again, he realized how much she affected him. He had vowed not to let anyone get to him like this, ever. Some vow that had been.

"Josh . . . you're very young . . ."

"Oh, fuck that!" he spat out. "That is such bullshit. I'm so young . . . I'm old enough to know what love is."

He stood up, ready to go. If she wanted to break things off, that was her right. But don't patronize him.

"Josh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean . . ."

"Look, can you just level with me? I didn't intend for this to happen. I thought we could have some fun together. That's all I wanted. I didn't fucking want to fall in love with you!"

She got up, too, approached him. "Please don't be upset, Josh. I'm not saying I don't want to see you anymore."

"Yeah, then what are you saying?" He was losing his temper, and he didn't want to. He just couldn't help it. This woman had his heart in her hands, whether she wanted it or not.

"I just need time," she said. "That's all I really wanted to tell you today. I need some time, alone. To figure things out. To come to grips with my feelings, with my calling, with everything I thought I knew about myself, but which these past few days have challenged. I just need some time, Josh. I want to make the right decision."

"What do you mean by 'time'?"

From the main level of the library, a voice called out, and a series of "sshhhs" followed. As far as Josh was concerned, those voices may well have been on a different planet.

"Please just give me a week, maybe two," she said. "I need to make a choice, and I don't want to make any choice this significant until I'm sure."

"So I won't see you?"

"Only in class," she said. "But it won't be for very long, Josh."

"Unless your decision is to end it with me." Pouty. He was being pouty. But he couldn't help it.

"I wish I could give you my answer right now, what I want to do," she said. "But I can't, Josh. That wouldn't be fair—to you or to me. I've spent years pursuing a calling, something I have always felt I was meant to do. Please understand. I just need a little time."

"You mean, you might give up being a nun?" What a dunce. He had just figured that out now? "There's no way I can choose to keep seeing you like this and say I have a calling at the same time," she answered. "I have to make a choice. And as soon as I decide, I'll let you know."

He nodded. "Okay."

She put her arms around him, kissed him. "Thanks. I'll see you in class on Wednesday, right?"

"Right."

She smiled, put on her coat, and turned to leave.

"Sister Monica?" He wanted to leave her feeling upbeat, wanted to let her know how special she was.

"Yes?"

"You're the best."

Her top lip quivered, and then she smiled. She came up to him, put her arms around him, kissed him again.

Then she walked away. He watched her retreating figure until she reached the stairs and descended out of view.