SIW: Adam & Bronwille Ch. 05

SIW : Adam O'Neill

still on track with our weekly updates! Many thanks to the usual bunch: the guild for their continuous support, Evilsnowman and Nulli for their proofreading and Mikothebaby for her editing skills.

Again a huge thank for CedarNeedle for providing another little something for RedB "Cursed Again".

Enjoy the read.

Mokkelke

Chapter Five : How Much Can He Take?

Adam sat on his couch, beer in hand. He felt content for the first time in ages. A whole scale of emotions had gone through him today, frustration, anger, despair, but he was thankful that it ended with joy and happiness. Who could have thought that Mia would be so devious as to bring Bronwille to his place for lunch?

Then Bronwille having that panic attack, he hadn't known what to do first. His wolf took over, their mate was in trouble. At least he fought the shift. It would only have made things worse. His heart was caught in his throat when he knocked on the door and didn't get a reply. As he entered and knocked again on the door of the stall she had locked herself, in he was losing it.

Without giving it much thought he had ripped the door from its hinges and had pulled Bronwille into his arms before she could even register what was going on. He knew he'd said something to Katie as she stood there with eyes as wide as saucers. He would have to explain his behavior to her.

Then he thought about how unsure Bronwille was, so insecure, but there were moments she had that old sparkle in her eyes.

Adam shook his head. At first he was just holding her. Even as they entered the restaurant before, he had noticed she looked like a shadow of her old self. Thinking back, as he had held her in his arms, he knew she had lost a lot of weight as well. The state his mate was what had his wolf howling in despair. Yet she still had to let them in and trust them, accept them for what and who he is.

Somehow she already did, because she calmed down pretty fast when she was near him, feeling and accepting the soothing presence of her mate, even if she didn't know it yet. When she went on her apology spree he couldn't take much more of it. He made sure she understood what he asked of her, what his promise entailed and still it felt like she was thinking she wasn't worth giving a promise too.

He'd wished the situation was entirely different for a first kiss, but in that moment he just needed her to know where his interest lay. So he dipped and lightly brushed her lips with his own. His wolf was doing summersaults and wanted to howl out how pleased he was. Adam had to fight hard not to deepen that kiss and just keep it to a light touch. The last thing he wanted was her to panic again.

He was vain enough to admit he felt proud that she wasn't focused at all the few seconds after. Doing his best to act normal, as if nothing too special had happened he just went on with their conversation. The smell of fear around her had evaporated for the most part.

Bronwille had gone back to Mia. The first few moments were tinted with a bit of anger and annoyance, but then their mood made a 180 degree turn. He'd stood in the door just behind the bar, just observing the two. Her sweet scent wrapped itself around him and he just stood there grinning like a sixteen year old school boy in love. Adam had to restrain himself from joining them and joining in on their funny chit chat.

Right now it mattered more to him that she was doing fine and was making progress getting out of her shell again. He rolled the bottle of beer in his hand before latching on and swallowing the last little bit of the cool beverage. Looking at his computer, he knew he still had to read her newer story, curious as what she made of it, how she experienced that evening.

He carefully placed his bottle on his brand new coffee table and went to start up his computer. His next action was to take a shower to wash away today's food smells. As he stripped, his nose caught the clean sweet smell of Bronwille trapped in his T-shirt. If his wolf had any cat like abilities, it would be purring right now.

Normally he put his dirty clothes straight into the dirty laundry basket but he now tossed his T on his bed. He had something with her scent now and it really calmed him down, made him feel there was hope.

With the shower out of the way, he put on some easy shorts, commando of course, before sitting behind his computer, navigating to her profile page. He was surprised it was just a single story. Checking her list again to make sure he didn't miss anything, he assured himself it was just a single story and started reading.

* * * *

* * * *

Cursed once again By RedB

It happened again. Hell, nowhere is safe anymore and even running to the security of friends was not enough to stop the curse of my fate following me, miles away. But could there be hope? I really am not sure. Maybe it's that I'm too scared to find out.

So why am I cursed? I wish I knew for sure, but clearly I am, since I was attacked again. I'm convinced it is a black mark on my soul, giving permission for men to attack me, think they can steal privileges that I have not granted. I want it to stop, but don't know how to bring an end to this curse or how to ever feel safe again.

I don't want men touching me, pinning me to the sides of cars. I don't want men thinking that I am their property or an object to fondle. I am not theirs. I am not anyone's property but mine.

But what was different this time was that I wasn't alone. While three men tried to take privileges with me outside a local club, I experienced something I've no words on how to describe. My mind had shut down at this point on what was actually happening to my body, and just before I completely blacked out, I felt it. A tug and then I felt like my soul was cradled in the most wonderful embrace as my mind careened out of control and I knew when I fell he'd catch me. I think I passed out. I must have for I woke up in my apartment, barely surfacing from my delusional trance that follows any panic episode I experience, but I felt him.

Him.

It should have scared me, but it didn't, for he was the cradle that convinced my soul to be at peace.

I am not sure how much time passed from the moment of the attack to when I finally surfaced, but obviously it had been a few days by the condition of my apartment. One moment I was cocooned in the warmth of arms and a firm body next to mine and in the next caught up in a fully-fledged panic attack.

I admit it, I freaked out. Another man taking something I hadn't freely offered and he was in my apartment, holding me in my own bed. But that tug remained; a small reminder in the back of my mind that this man was safe. Unfortunately, the more dominant part of my mind was in control and it was panicking. Yeah, I overreacted and kicked him out and can't bring myself to face him.

I walked away from that warmth and pushed it away. I shut that door and can't open it. Won't open it. Don't know how to reopen it.

So, to the man who saved me - thank you. That is all I can offer right now and all I am capable of giving. I know you've been calling me, coming by and waiting outside trying to have me let you in. I can't. Even if you make me feel protected. Don't you see I am cursed? I am not worth your time and I am better off alone.

Please just leave me be.

I know you will never read this, but it eases my heart to put my pen to paper and write these words.

* * * *

* * * *

Once more, Adam found himself sitting there staring at his screen. This was short, but it carried the same amount of hurt and emotions as her other story. His heart wept. His wolf howled in agony.

How could their mate think so low of herself? Thinking back at all those little things, he knew that she had felt their connection. Her soul had recognized its other half in him. How would he be able to get that stupid idea out of her pretty little head that she wouldn't be worthy of him? He thought it was rather the other way around. He knew his size scared a lot of woman away.

Sure, he wasn't a ladies man. He didn't have a fling every other week. But at the end of the day, he too had needs. He mostly hooked up with some of the single females in his pack. At least they knew they would get satisfied and that he was up for trying anything at least once. Never had he left a woman unsatisfied.

And then he met this cute petite redhead, huge as he was, she made him feel smaller than she was. He'd acted carefully around her, not wanting to scare her, always trying to show her he'd never hurt her. That evening in "The Viper" would have been perfect if not for the attack that followed.

Today he was the one that caused her to have another panic attack; though he was sure he got to her in time to prevent it from fully engulfing her. He could have cried from joy just having her in his arms. He knew he'd been soothing her, but at the same time his wolf was doing just the opposite, luxuriating in the presence of his mate.

Adam huffed. At least he wasn't riled up with anger now, rather he felt sad. She really has no idea how strong she really is. There were people who broke down for a lot lesser things than she was put through. Still she was getting back to her old self, he was sure of that. Really sure, as he thought back to that evening in the club, she had opened up herself for him and he did the same.

Maybe it was just his luck that they only touched on the more general topics to talk about. Said topics were still things that could make or break even the most normal of relationships. He liked a person who could show interest in several areas. That they shared a love food for was a huge plus in his book.

He practically came in his pants as he caught the moans she was producing while she scooped up bite after bite when she and Mia were in the restaurant. It was the biggest compliment she could give him. This thought reminded him he had to stock up on more pots and pans, since he managed to destroy some as he tried to keep himself from going right back in there, drag her from her chair, lock them up in his room and have his wicked way with her.

Adam smiled at this as the emotions flooded through his body once again. Beautiful, I hope you come to your senses soon because you're driving me nuts here. Just having gone through those memories had caused his shorts to tent up, his massive erection just peeking out of his waist band. With a groan he put his hard flesh in a more comfortable position without flashing himself.

This was not a time to be thinking about that just yet. He had more important things to deal with. First on the list, make a comment on her last story. Somehow he felt the need to tell her she was worthy to be wanted, that she deserved to be taken care of, that there was someone out there for her who would cherish and love her.

He would send it to her privately just as his previous one, knowing he couldn't just admit he knew everything he had read had actually happened. He did feel the way she wrote her new story was more open and at some level the reader could understand this was a description of something the writer had gone through. That would be his angle, hoping he was doing this the right way. Concentrating on his screen he started writing.

###

To RedB from Atlas :

Hi RedB,

Yes, it's me again. Somehow I can't find myself leaving a public comment so once more I'm doing this privately, for your eyes only.

Again, I am touched to my very core by your well written and emotional words. Something tells me, after reading this, there is more to it then you have told us. This feels real, genuine, and heartfelt. I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries now with telling you that I find you a very strong person.

You have found a way to cope with all of this and it only makes me respect you even more.

The only thing that strikes me as odd is why you would think you don't deserve his attention? It seems the person that helped you, did this with the best of intentions. Thinking back at what you wrote there was something between you two, some kind of attraction that doesn't occur that often.

A lot of people would give an arm and a leg to get that feeling. I would do anything to keep that person in my life and I'm sure this person feels the same about you. We're not made to be alone our whole lives.

So I wonder why you let him in first, let him help you and then pushed him away. Doesn't that person deserve some kind of explanation?

I know I'm probably ripping open some old wounds with my words, but if they help you just one tiny bit rethinking your actions and behavior, you may realize just how strong you are. How flexible your feelings are, that not everybody is out to hurt another person.

You deserve happiness even if you think you don't. I'm quite sure the person who's able to break through your walls will shower you with love and affection. I know I would if I were to meet the person I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.

Sincerely

"Atlas"

###

He read his reply several times. The last thing he wanted was to come across like some kind of creep. He didn't want to scare her. Some of his words were a bit harsher than he intended but he really believed that Bronwille could take them how he meant them. If they helped her stand up against her feelings, cope with them, than they were words well spoken.

Giving it one last once over, he was happy with it and clicked on send. Deep down, he was curious whether she would reply to this or not. Closing down his computer, he started his usual routine before going to bed. He tossed and turned for a while until he dragged his shirt closer, taking a deep breath so her scent washed over him. His mind and wolf relaxed and it didn't take long before sleep took over.

+ + + +

Bronwille cursed as she looked at the clock next to her. Frustrated that she couldn't sleep, she tossed the sheets against the back of her bed. Today had been a real roller coaster for her emotions and all she wanted to do was sleep. She got up and went to her kitchen. Rattling some pots, she hoped a cup of nice hot milk could lull her back to sleep. She opened her laptop out of habit as she waited for the milk to heat up.

A new private message? she mused and quickly clicked on it. Another one from Atlas. So he has read the rest too it seems.

As she started reading, her inner turmoil only got worse. She wanted to slap that person in the face for pushing just those buttons that set her off. Here was a person she didn't know at all telling her without reservation what her problems were. Not so much problems, but he touched each of her secret desires and he questioned her behavior. What gave this person the right to write such things to her?

Quickly she turned to her stove as she saw the milk was almost boiling over. With speed she never thought she had she moved the pan to the sink and waited a few seconds and released a sigh. The milk was saved just in time. Putting the milk back on the stove, she added a little bit of sugar and after a few stirs she poured it into a big mug.

Things could only get worse now. With a heavy sigh she pushed pack her laptop and sat at the table. Once in a while she glanced at the flickering screen. When it went into screen saver mode, she gave a single tap on a random key and continued staring at the words still on there.

She was quite sure it was a man behind this Atlas persona and sure he said he respected her, but that doesn't give him the right to rip open her wounds and put her in her place. Looking at the milk twirling in the cup, she took a sip. Cringing, she cursed under her breath at the now cold beverage. Warm milk with a bit of sugar tasted divine but it didn't have the same flavor when it was cold. Parted from her inner battles, she poured the liquid in the sink and cleaned up after herself.

"Someone just tell me? Why me?" she said out loud to no one in particular.

Bronwille let herself slide down, her knees held tight to her chest. She wanted to laugh at the situation yet tears took over and not much later sobs joined the shaking of her body.

Why am I such a mess? Atlas is wrong, I'm not strong at all. Why else would I keep myself locked up in my flat? The one person that had come remotely close to me I push away. I don't want to, but how will I know if I can trust him?

She felt as if everything had happened again. Bronwille cursed at the words Atlas had written. She scolded herself for being such a wimp about what she wanted. As more and more emotions came crashing down on her, a light within her began to shine, sparking a little bit of hope. It wasn't a light you could see or describe, but it was more a feeling.

The conflicting emotions dulled and she started to see that, even though she was troubled and hurting, Atlas' words must have come from somewhere. With the back of her hand she wiped away her shed tears and stood up. Reading his reply once more convinced her there had to be more to his words than he let on.

Clicking a few times she opened his previous reply, the one with the poem and she read it again and again. The more she read it, the more she got convinced he was as troubled as she was, the only difference being he seemed to have given whatever occurred in his life a place, a certain degree of understanding.

Rattled by his words she got curious and before she acknowledged what she did she had pressed the "send"-button. Bronwille stood staring at her screen which read: MESSAGE SEND.

What have I done? Maybe he doesn't want to tell? Maybe I'm the one now overstepping the boundaries.

Suddenly she felt the urge to send another message stating for him to ignore what she had sent but she resisted. Even having done this without much realization, she knew the ball was now in his court. It was up to him to reply, or not to.

Yup, I'm declaring myself a nutcase now. I need sleep and loads of it, maybe than I'll feel more normal.

She closed her laptop and went back to back to bed. After some tossing and turning fatigue got the upper hand and she drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

+ + + +

Mia let out a heavy sigh as she followed her friend. Bronwille would freak if she would show herself now. Mia only wanted to check up on her, knowing it had been quite a stressful day for her dear friend.

Staying safely in a corner, cloaked and muted, she watched as her friend got up, checked her messages and broke down again. She had to stifle the joy she wanted to let known when she saw how Bron got herself together and replied to whomever had her so upset in the first place. Seeing how her friend was acting, convinced Mia that things were getting better with and for her.

Admitting to herself that she had gambled a little bit with coaxing her out to lunch, especially when she took her to Adam's tavern with neither of them knowing. It seemed to be the right thing to do. A mere minute she had second guessed herself, when Bron had her panic attack but it all turned out just fine.

As she saw Bron going back to her room, Mia felt at ease and was convinced things would only get better from now on. She followed her and saw her crawl back into her bed. As Mia witnessed the restless movements of her friend she stepped up and did what she had done so many times in the past.

Touching her temple briefly, she sent a lot of soothing emotions to the sleeping form of Bron. A few seconds later and her friend was happily asleep, a hint of a smile on her face as she drifted further in her dream world.

Blinking her eyes once, Mia found herself in her own bedroom. She had warned Chris up front that she'd be checking up on Bron tonight. Though he didn't like her using her powers when she was pregnant, he understood her concern for her friend.