tagHumor & SatireSkydiving for Couples

Skydiving for Couples


All characters in this story have signed contracts stating they are over 18 years old and fully aware of the risks related to participating in this tournament. As such, the reporters of this event cannot be held responsible for any physical, mental, or any other type of damage, obtained before, during or after the competition.

This program is brought to you by 'Peekers dot Come; Get to know your neighbors', and 'JizzMiss; Give sperm no chance!'


"And a very warm welcome to all spectators of today's event in celebration of the National Nude Day, and of course also to those people listening at home. This is Benjamin Chápin together with my partner, Jean-Jacques Norduff.

The sun is shining, there are no clouds and the wind is absent—a perfect day for our yearly contest, Skydiving for Couples. It is heartening to see so many of the spectators have followed today's dress-code—it truly is a sight to behold.

And today we bring you a versatile number of participants, consisting of veterans but also a number of very promising newcomers.

"Jean-Jacques, perhaps you can provide us with some information about the couples competing this year?"


"Well, good morning everybody, and thank you, Benjamin. Like you said, we have a diverse field of competitors this year. I'm pleased to inform you that, for today, we can present to you an international field of couples, all passionately and driven of course.

"Let's first have a look at the rookies of this year. To start with, we have Glenn and Josephine; according to the supplemented information brochure, Josephine is employed as a social worker in the recreational and relaxational sector, whereas Glenn acts as her financial agent. Glenn is wearing a two-piece exercise costume in a somber gray and red, whereas Josephine wears a similarly stylish matching housecoat that nicely accentuates her assets.

"Next, we have Charlene and Ian; Ian is wearing dark blue dungarees, whereas Charlene is wearing a colorful checked skirt, complemented with a white blouse. Charlene's unshaven legs are certainly eye-catchers in this ensemble. These contestants have refrained from providing personal information—at least, I am hesitant to take their profession as lumberjacks, indicated by both of them, as serious.

"Stephan and Nicole, our French contestants for today, are both wrapped in colorful French flags, and it seems that Nicole has accentuated the beautiful brown color of her skin with a dash of oil. Noticing the attention of the camera, Nicole proudly waves her flag, revealing some foreign regions; it certainly makes me curious for more.

"As his profession, Stephan indicated connoisseur, while Nicole specified herself as conductrice, whatever that may be...

"And then we have Vicky and Leonard. We certainly remember those two from last year; don't we? I wonder if the gold dress worn by Vicky, and the similarly golden tuxedo of Leonard, are a reference to their second place last time; a ranking heavily disputed by these contestants. Until last year, both were employed as rodeo clowns, but according to reliable, but unconfirmed inside sources, their contract had been terminated based on a clause stating they were not allowed to bring their profession into discredit.

"And, last but certainly not least, we have last year's winner of both the Skydive Exercise Award and the Efficiency Award—Sophia.

"Unfortunately, rumor has been spread, possibly by some of last year's less fortunate contestants, that her victories had been a fraud. Doubts concerning the rightfulness of that allocation are fanned by the striking resemblance of the baby to our host and major sponsor of this event, and the gestation period of almost eleven months. But an independent investigation carried out by the organization unequivocally cleared Sophia from all charges. Unfortunately, but understandably, the final report of this investigation has been designated as being classified, due to its politically sensitive content.

"Apparently, there has been a second, but non-independent investigation initiated by a rival radio station, which would reveal links with political figures and recently acquired allies, and which includes descriptions of hotel furniture, whirlpools, and relaxation oil. But we refrain from further examining this obviously fake and insulting news, and therefore we cannot provide any further information about the details of any of the investigations.

"But we are wandering off—back to Sophia and her new partner, Dirk. First I thought his name was written as 'Dirt', but I always have difficulties distinguishing T's from K's.

"Sophia is dressed in her trademark black latex catsuit which beautifully emphasizes those prominent... er... well, motherly features, whereas Dirk wears a thick and comfortable leather necklace, matching leather wrist and ankle bracelets, complemented with a leather hood. The chain between Sophia and Dirk is clearly symbolic for their close relationship, and his movements reveal his enthusiasm; we interpret his constant attempts of lying down on the floor as references to the forthcoming jump. Dirk's faith in Sophia is emphasized by the fact that his eyes, ears, and mouth are completely covered by the hood.

"The contestants are introduced and line up to enter the plane. One by one, they greet the spectators before boarding; the traditional French greeting with the middle finger by the o-so-charming Nicole is warmly welcomed by a roaring crowd. Sophia and Dirk really take their time and bask in the encouragements of their fans, although... Dirk seems to be slightly disoriented and requires assistance from the supporting crew to find his way into the plane. The door is closed, the plane is ready to take off, and after the break we will be back to you, Benjamin!"

*** ***

"Well, Jean-Jacques, it appears the contestants' plane is approaching their jump altitude overhead. Many of our crowd are craning their necks, viewing the plane through binoculars or telescopes obtained from Peekers dot Come, waiting to observe our first jumpers. I see the plane overhead now, and we'll soon have our first jumpers in sight."


"The first couple leaving the plane is Glenn and Josephine. Josephine loses no time to discard her housecoat, but Glenn seems to have some problems taking off his trousers—apparently the rope, holding up his trousers, has turned into a knot, and he is frantically trying to get it loose.

"Josephine now moves closer, her face directed towards Glenn's waist, and she appears to be attempting to unravel the knot with her teeth. It certainly is a commonly used position in this competition, and when practiced correctly, oral stimulation ensures a better score from the jury; however, in this case, the presence of the fabric is expected to cause a strong deduction of points for this couple.

"And at last, there go the trousers. The jumper was already gone, and finally the contestants make contact. Unfortunately, there is no time left to go through the various elements of their rehearsed routine, and undoubtedly, this will be taken into account by today's judges.

"Glenn and Josephine separate, their parachutes are out, and slowly but safely, our first contestants float towards the ground where they are awaited by the crew. It is always a relief to see our participants returning safely and well back to earth, where the first inspection will give a decisive answer on whether we can speak of a successful gene transfer. The red flag goes up—no extra points for effectiveness."


"And now the next two contestants, Charlene and Ian, have left the plane.

"Rapidly, Ian gets rid of his dungarees while Charlene unbuttons her blouse and... Wow! Do I see that correctly? It turns out that the voluptuous body shapes of Charlene are nothing but fashion accessories.

"Charlene lifts up her skirt and... well, well, well... It now becomes obvious that this is no skirt but a kilt, and there is no misunderstanding that the wearer of this kilt refrains from underwear! I must say that Charlene—or should I say 'Charley'—possesses an impressive set of tools underneath that cover. This is unprecedented and I wonder what is written about same-sex couples in the regulations—Jean-Jacques, can you please enlighten us?"


"I will have to check the rules on this, Benjamin. Just give me a minute to sort this out!"


"Despite Charley's impressive packing, he clearly is at the receiving end for this competition, and Ian loses no time to start his delivery. They certainly put some effort in it; the shaking of their bodies can impossibly only be caused by the air friction. And...

"Well, at least in this case, there won't be any doubt whether the receiving end is faking the orgasm or not. No, ma'am, that wasn't a pigeon flying over! At the same time, we can safely assume that these two won't be serious contestants for the efficiency award.

"Ian also appears to have made his contribution; they disengage, their chutes are functioning properly, and now also this couple safely returns to earth. The jury runs forward, and... lifts the white flag confirming a successful injection here. However, this couple won't require JizzMiss to postpone their reproduction of little lumberjacks.

"And, Jean-Jacques, can you already enlighten us about the rules concerning the same-sex situation we experienced here?"




"Jean-Jacques? Can you come in, please?"


"...Oh, eh... Oh, I'm sorry—it took a while, because we have the fully illustrated version of the regulation book, and I have to admit, I was slightly distracted for a moment. For those interested, the regulation book can be ordered for a reasonable fee at the official website of today's events.

"But I do have an answer; the rules provide no demands on required sexes. That means there are no objections to this participation and, as a result, this routine should be regarded as a valid contribution. So back to you, Benjamin."


"That offers prospects, Jean-Jaques!

"But we have to move on to the next contestants, our French couple, Stephan and Nicole. As a true gentleman, Stephan lets Nicole go first, and then quickly follows. Being wrapped in flag-fabric, they can quickly come to business... But wait a minute—their flags appear to contain some type of rigid construction, and by combining their two costumes, they have created some type of delta glider. Isn't that something we've seen before, Jean-Jacques?"


"That's right, Benjamin. Three years ago, Terry and Madison used a similar approach, but, too much absorbed in the possibilities provided by the extra time it generated, they drifted off and ended up in the distant fields, for which they got disqualified. Nevertheless, both declared afterward that it had been a very satisfying experience.

"However, I do recall that, with the exception of the parachute, no floating devices are allowed, so this exercise is unlikely to be approved by the jury. But that doesn't mean the spectators shouldn't enjoy it while we can, so please, Benjamin, tell us what you see up there!"


"Thank you for briefing us on that topic, Jean-Jacques. And enjoyment it brings! Too bad our cameraman is unable to hang around with them, so we have to fall back on our binoculars, provided by our generous sponsor, Peekers Dot Come.

"Nicole is strapped in a harness while Stephan seems to be free in his movements. Having less of a time-limit than the other contestants, they truly present us 'la spécialité du chef', starting off, of course, with a long and wet, traditional French Kiss. Even without our binoculars, we can see their tongues swirling around, reaching deep to thoroughly tickle the other's interiors!

"Stephan now moves on to the next position which is, obviously, soixante-neuf. Despite the cold temperature high up in the air, Nicole manages to erect an impressive Eiffel Tower at Stephan's center, while, at the same time, Stephan's actions seem to activate an eruption of fertility from Nicole, moisturizing the grounds below.

"We've got the clock, but these French have the time up there! Nicole certainly seems to savor Stephan's activities—and there goes another splash of liquid lust; we have ourselves a squirter, and we present it, life on air!—and Stephan gets a good taste of it. But Nicole's attention to Stephan's plunger seems to decline for a moment—apparently, she is distracted while being into higher spirits; we can't blame her, but if they were still in the race, that fact would certainly cost them important bonus points.

"After pleasing his Madame like a true Gentleman, Stephan moves on to the next position—hey; this isn't French we are seeing now, is it? We are now treated with the Greek Style—yet another ancient and hot Mediterranean custom.

"Unfortunately, they are really pushing the limits of Peekers Dot Come binoculars now. With Stephan's baguette between Nicole's buns, the delta glider, moving up and down, glides away, giving us a French leave."


"Well, too bad, but we don't have much time to grieve as the next contestants are already waiting.

"Arm in arm, Vicky and Leonard are ready to leave the plane, but they seem to hesitate. It can't be the height, can it? They've been there before.

"They move, they move, they... Hey, that is some disturbingly unsportsmanlike conduct we witness here—pulling Sophia by her tail as if trying to take her with them. Fortunately, Dirk is still there to grab her and keep her inside—at least, I can't believe he is trying to push her overboard as well.

"Everything is unclear now—there seems to be a hassle near the exit, with Sophia holding on to the doorpost and both Vicky and Leonard pulling her, while Dirk's role remains unclear from here. But Sophia is a fighter—and Leonard goes down, quickly followed by Vicky. While Sophia... Oh, my! Sophia exits the plane as well and I sincerely doubt that she was prepared to leave the plane at such short notice.

"Fortunately, Sophia and Dirk are inseparable, as emphasized by the chain between them, and Dirk seems to be struggling to reposition that chain to—well, I guess to make it easier to pull Sophia in. And finally, the crew on board of the plane intervenes and offers a helping hand to get Sophia on board again.

"With Sophia safe aboard, let's get our attention back to Vicky and Leonard.

"Leonard is going down quickly—there seems to be nothing remotely artistic about his fall, and Vicky appears to have problems getting even close to him. Another remarkable thing is that Leonard is still fully dressed—it looks like he is no longer occupied with the competition. His whole demeanor radiates passivity.

"Vicky, on the other hand, has quickly shed her dress, which gives her some advantage from the point of speed. Wow, look at those titties flapping in the breeze; they are going to be a little sore tomorrow, I think. She finally manages to reach Leonard, and attempts to unzip his fly. However, there's no response from Leonard. You can bloody well believe that, if Vicky did the same to me, I wouldn't be able to hide my emotions like Leonard does.

"Vicky grabs Leonard and slaps his face to get him back to life. If they really want to show something to their fans, they'd better be quick, as they rapidly approach the earth. But Leonard appears to be unconscious, and it seems like Vicky gives up on him.

"For his own safety, the cameraman has pulled his parachute out, so there are no more close-ups, but in a final attempt... No, it seems like Vicky was only reaching out for Leonard's parachute cord, which is now released, and Vicky's own chute quickly follows. No points for this couple this year, I'm afraid, but for sure this was another performance to remember.

"Jean-Jacques, maybe you can try to get close to them and find out what happened up there, while we move on the next and last couple of today?"


"For those who wonder if Sophia and Dirk are still up to the challenge after what happened just before—there seems to be no reason to worry. Sophia stands in the opening, waving to the crowd on the ground, while Dirk... Well, Dirk... I guess he is in there too, undoubtedly impatiently waiting to start.

"We now see the crew appearing in the door opening, providing Dirk that little bit of extra velocity to fly out of the plane, quickly followed by Sophia. Dirk doesn't seem to make an attempt to reconnect with Sophia, but that must be a façade. Like the previous years, Sophia and her partner have chosen to use the tandem-jump, with Sophia bringing the parachute with her, so it is inevitable that they come together at some point during their routine.

"On the other hand, Dirk's orientation could very well be hindered by the hood he is still wearing—what a man, to take those risks!

"Dirk is now making attempts to remove this hood, but that seems to be far from easy; Dirk's actions are hampered by the padlock which they might have forgotten to take off before leaving the plane; perhaps the prior hassle with Leonard and Vicky has caused that small omission.

"It's a pity we don't have sound recordings this year—after the unacceptable use of strong language we experienced last year, the organization decided to take no risks and no longer provides sounds for us—it would be very interesting to know what Sophia is calling him here. Given the presence Dirk's hood, it is no wonder that Sophia is shouting.

"Somehow, Dirk finally has managed to remove his hood, so now we should see some more collaboration between the two. He also removes his ball gag; is he also planning to provide oral sex? I'm not sure if they will have sufficient time for that, but Sophia is very well experienced and knows exactly what they can do.

"There is still no engagement between the two—it seems like they are performing some act of cat and mouse here, in which Sophia is the hunter and Dirk the huntee. Sophia now removes her tail which, as we already know from preceding years, is her whip, and lashes out to Dirk.

"The skilled professional she is, Sophie's whip slings around Dirk's ankle, enabling her to pull him in.

"They really know what they are doing, and once again they treat us with a magnificent show. Dirk feverishly seems to get rid of the whip—what an actor!—while Sophie skillfully reels him in. It is almost surreal that all of this is happening during the limited time of a freefall—can you belie...

"...just wait a minute! Now that the cameraman gets a close-up, it suddenly becomes clear that Dirk actually is Eugene! Eugene, Sophie's partner of the previous years! What a surprise!! His trademark grimace on his face assures us that he is having the time of his life! Will you look at that! What a sportsman; what a team! They certainly know how to entertain a crowd!

"That's all fine, but we still have a competition going on here, and time is running out! Despite his enthusiasm, Eugene's semenspitter still lacks what it takes to enter this contest—it still seems insufficient to win the competition this year. But of course, Sophia has her own stimulation methods, and that's a serious looking cattle-prod she brings out there. People who know me will confirm that I'm not averse to some mild electro stimulation, but I would certainly try to back out when this monster is in charge. But desperate times call for desperate measures and...

"...Owwww... it's a matter of 'make or break' here; never knew a backbone could bend that far! It's firework up in the air! Sparks are coming off and Eugene's twitching is quite a show on its own. But... it does seem like Eugene is re-energized again, and it now provides something to hold on to for Sophia.

"Sophia—nicknamed Missus Gadget for obvious reasons—brings up an impressive butt plug to help Eugene remain his pose. To me, that size seems impossible to go in easily, but of course we are looking at professionals here. They know their limits. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. Don't try this at home, but would you look at Eugene's face, that's pure ecstasy!!

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