Slip of the Tongue

As I lay back trying to catch my breath, she said softly, "So this is goodbye."

The words would not come to me.

She pushed up on one elbow and looked at me with what I thought was sadness.

"I knew it when you came back from her tonight. You're going back to her, aren't you?"

And after a moment, "It's okay, Tommy. This was never real. We were never real. I knew that."

"It was real enough. It's just that-"

"You love her. You are in love with her."

"Maybe."

She lay there and ran her hand through my dirty blonde locks.

"I shouldn't say this, Tommy, because you'll get a swelled head, but for a little while there after you found out about her and Anderson, I almost thought we had a chance."

I looked at her in amazement.

"Me and you?"

Hating the look that crossed her face, I added, "I'm 15 years older than you Chris. I never thought -- imagined...you and me?"

"You're good looking and a good husband and a loving man and you have a very big dick and you fuck like a damned jack hammer. Why wouldn't I imagine something happening between us? Especially after that first time?"

"I'm sorry, Chris. I never thought. I'm older than you and you are unbelievably gorgeous and there are ten thousand younger, richer, better guys that would snap you up if you gave them even a hint of encouragement. Besides, you're going to shoot to the top. You're going to be an international name and your whole life and career are ahead of you. Me -- I'm not ancient and I still hope to make it to the big time, but not like you. You're special."

She smiled.

"You say the sweetest things, but yes, I know the first time -- just happened. The last thing I ever expected was to get involved -- with you. You're the most married guy I know. You never ogled me, you never treated me like a piece of meat, and I thought you were so tied up in her that you never even noticed me."

"I noticed."

"And I don't mess with married men."

"And I had never cheated on Rox...until that night."

She bent down to kiss me and I couldn't help compare her kisses to Rox. She was a dream made reality, but something inside me made me hunger for Rox even now.

"I knew it for what it was and I never even thought of pushing. But, when I heard about that tape...."

"How did you-"

"One of the guys from 4 that's been hitting on me since I got here showed it to me. Everybody that saw it knew she was fucking him. It was written all over her. But, you were so hung up on her I kept my mouth shut. I figured you'd find out, and when you did I knew you'd dump her, and you did. But-"

She just shook her head.

"I was outmatched. That hasn't happened to me since I was 15 but I saw it coming. We were...just one of those things. She's your heart. I couldn't fight that."

"Nothing's certain, Chris, even now. It's just that - I have to try, and if I'm trying to build a new marriage, I can't...be with you."

She kissed me again.

"I understand, Tommy. I understand. I think I do. I've never loved anybody like that. But I hope I do someday.

"Trust me, you'll have your choice, and you're easy to love."

"Except by you."

"Not of my choice. When I met her I thought she was just a hot piece of ass. The hottest I'd ever had but, sometimes it happens and usually you never see it coming. It'll probably happen that way for you. I hope it does. As bad as it is now, we were good once."

I got up and dressed. I never spent the night. I never stayed longer than could be explained away as a social visit. We never went away together. There were never touches, private looks in the station. Which meant the chances we had to be together were few and far between. She was like some very expensive ultra-rich chocolate. I couldn't have it often, but it was wonderful when I did.

I had a perverse pride that no one -- anyone with the station including my closest friend Bobby and the people I worked with daily -- had any idea that there was anything between us. When it had started I had been married -- happily I thought -- and I couldn't explain it or take a chance on it ruining my marriage. This was an aberration - something that had never happened before and I knew never would again. It would end when she moved on and we both knew it.

More importantly, she couldn't have it get out she was having sex with her boss. She had a sterling reputation as a hard-nosed, business focused news professional. Rumors about sleeping their way to the top had hurt other beautiful women in the news business and she was determined she'd make it to the top cleanly. That was another one of the things that I liked about her.

I stopped at the door before opening it. There was no chance that anybody was stationed outside her place with a camera, but I'd been there two hours. I could explain that with a few drinks and talk about business if anybody pushed it. I couldn't explain away a kiss or a touch in the wrong place as I was walking out the door. I was dressed as I had been when I walked in. She wore a respectable blouse and her regular comfortable jeans.

In the same way, we always made sure the blinds -- all the blinds - were down tight and secure. Paranoid? Maybe, but in today's news environment you couldn't be too careful.

I took her long, slender body in my arms.

"You need to update your tapes and resume and get your bags packed. There's a station in San Diego which has an opening in the morning female anchor slot. I showed the station manager one of your tapes. They definitely want you, as soon as we'll let you go. And San Diego is just a hop, skip and jump from the LA market. You're getting ready to take off."

She leaned back and smiled.

"Trying to ship me out, huh? Tired of me already?"

I kissed her again. It was wrong, I was wrong but I could have stopped myself from falling over a cliff easier than resist her.

"It will be easier to make it work with Rox without you around, it's true, but you deserve it. You've put in the time and you're ready."

"I'm going to miss you, Tommy Hunter."

"Don't look back, Chris. You've got a long way to go, and I'm history."

It was 2:30 a.m. when I got back to my condo. I picked up the house phone and dialed a familiar number. It rang a half dozen times.

"Tommy?"

"You took a long time to answer. You with somebody? Is Anderson there?"

"I was waiting for your call and fell asleep and, I'm alone. Are you with that bitch?"

"Her name is Christina and it was a business date. We work together."

"Oh, please. If you're not with her I bet you just left her. Is she good? Those boobs are fake, you know that, don't you?"

I almost fell for it and told her they were real but I caught myself.

"Just because you fuck anything with a dick doesn't mean everybody is that way."

"Bullshit, Tommy. You know that's not true. I was married to you for eight years. Maybe you're fooling people at the station but I know you. You're fucking her, and she looked like she was going to go down on you on the dance floor."

"Rox...look, don't run your mouth about what you're imagining. I know how you are about gossiping and it would hurt her. It wouldn't do anything for me, except have every guy at the station hating my guts, but she's moving up. It would hurt her. She's a nice girl."

She was silent again.

"So she's a nice girl and you don't want her hurt. You really care about her?"

"I like her Rox, there's a difference. I don't love her. But you probably don't know the difference."

"I know the difference."

After awhile:

"So why did you call?"

"I've been thinking about what you said."

"And?"

"At least you're being honest. Our marriage is over. What we had is gone. But..."

"What?"

"We can try. I still don't see it working. I think you're setting us both up for some super hurt in the future. But you're stubborn as hell and you probably won't stop."

"And deep down you don't want me to stop. Your pride just won't let you admit it. But we'll get past it. Anderson was just a stupid mistake, a bad mistake, but he never meant anything to me."

"I saw the looks you gave him at the banquet. You don't look at a man that way if he doesn't mean anything to you. I thought I was the only man you'd looked at that way in eight years but I was wrong."

"We all make mistakes, Bobby. I just made the mother of all mistakes but I'm willing to spend the rest of my life making it right, if you'll let me."

"That's what I've been thinking about. We're single now. We just share a history. We used to be married. I can see other people. You can see other people. I want you to be sure this time that I'm the guy you want to be with in the future. I don't want to take a chance on you and get hurt like this again."

"It doesn't matter, Tommy. You're the man I want. I expect I'll get all the sex I want from you whether we're married or not. And you! You won't find anyone that will turn you inside out the way I'm going to."

I sat in the condo that had been our home and stared at the stars through the picture window. I still had a bad feeling about our future together. But...

I understood how you could fall into a situation you'd never intended to happen, how you find yourself doing something that wasn't you. I understood how you could betray someone you loved. But the difference was, I'd always known that I only liked Chris. I loved Rox. It felt completely different when I was the one being betrayed.

But, I knew that I had feelings for Chris. Feelings that I'd never act on because she was too young, I was too old, I wasn't going to be the anchor that dragged her down on her path to the top, which I would have no matter what I told myself about still having a future myself at the top. Even if there had been no Rox, I was enough of a realist to know that couples like me and Chris never made it long term. It wasn't just the age gap. She was going to travel in circles where I'd be a curiosity, then a joke and then an embarrassment and ultimately she'd find the man she should be with.

I had cheated on Rox and I had developed feelings for another woman. But I still loved my ex-wife. Which confused the hell out of me.

"Tommy?"

I realized I'd been silent for a long time.

"Just thinking, Rox. How about...How about having dinner with me at Benny's next Wednesday evening. I can make it by 6. Can we do it?"

"Dinner? Benny's. It's a great place, but-"

"We have been having sex since the first night we met and I know we will again. But, let's take it like we're exes who haven't seen each other in a long time. Let's do the dinner, dancing, movies thing. Let's go walking on the beach at St. Augustine and feed the sea gulls."

"We haven't walked on the beach in a long, long time, Tommy."

"I know. Let's start slow this time."

"So I'm going to have to seduce you all over again?"

"If you can."

She laughed, that deep, throaty, HOT laugh of hers.

"You were easy."

"I might not be so easy this time."

"You won't be sorry, Tommy."

"And...why don't you bring a couple of outfits, casual wear, with you when I pick you up. You can leave them here just....in case you spend the night over some time. Some day."

This time she was the one who was silent.

"That would be a good thing, Tommy. I guess I'll see you Wednesday. I love you."

I lay on the carpet looking up at the stars until I fell asleep. And for some unknown reason, I felt better than I had in months.