So, You Want to Write Erotica

You've decided you have a story to tell and you think others will enjoy reading it. You have everything you need in your hand and in your head. You're determined and you're absolutely positive that you can do this. You saw 'Field of Dreams', so you know that if you write it, they will come. (Or cum.) Spell it your own way. It's your story.

Hey, you're prepared. You've been lurking around reading stories for years. Now, you've even taken the first step of creating an account, reading the rules, and possibly, you've visited the Author's Hangout to see what little tips you could pick up before you ever begin writing your first story. That's a smart move. It's a safe bet not many new writers think about doing that before they submit their first story.

You tell yourself there's nothing to it. Some of the stories you've read were not even edited and they came off badly. The readers tore them apart in their comments. But, you at least know better than to make those silly little mistakes in grammar and spelling. You took four years of English in high school, and you remember most of what you learned. You know when to use 'who' and when to use 'whom'. You even know not to end a sentence with a preposition. (Wait! What's a preposition again?) There it is. That first little nagging doubt.

No need to make yourself look ignorant by asking that one on the boards. Google it. Okay, you've got it now. So, how do you rewrite that sentence that ended with a preposition? Hmm. You'll have to give that some more thought. Sleep on it. It will come to you after you're more rested.

Wow! You must really be on the path to becoming an honest to goodness writer now, because you suddenly find yourself sleeping on a lot of unanswered questions. For instance, there was that question about how to punctuate long quotations that extend past more than one or two paragraphs. You found the answer to that on the Author's Hangout board. (He-he-he! Those silly authors giving away all their secrets to proper writing!) Just wait until they get a load of your writing. It will be perfect and they won't even realize that they actually helped you write it.

Now, stop patting yourself on the back and get back to that opening scene you started. Three paragraphs. That's it? You spent half a night agonizing over words and all you've got is three opening paragraphs? Look at the calendar. You have seven days to meet the contest submission deadline. Too bad you spent a week trying to relearn all those grammar rules. At this rate, you might have the seven hundred fifty required word minimum by then, but your characters won't even have started taking off their clothes at that point. You should have started this sooner. Forget the headache and the eye-strain! You have to get this done.

You've decided to make the opening shorter, so you can get to the 'good stuff' sooner. That's what the readers want. You know that because you read it in the 'How to' submissions. So what if they don't know that your lead character lost his right arm in a terrible automobile crash when he was only eighteen? They'll figure it out sooner or later. Besides, you gave them a detailed description of what the waitress was wearing when he met his leading lady. You covered the details. Nobody is going to complain about a lack of details in your story. You had that waitress looking pretty hot and that's what the readers are worried about.

Oh, damn! Another technical issue? You should have thought about how a one armed man ties up a perfectly healthy, albeit reluctant, gorgeous, big-breasted female long before you got to your first sex scene. Maybe your hero didn't have to lose his arm in that accident after all. Maybe you could just ignore the sympathy vote and go for a more robust hero instead.

Wait! Think about that for a moment. That whole reluctant, tied up female at the hands of a robust man is starting to smack of Non-con all the sudden. Readers hate Non-con. You're not writing a Non-con story. This is a Romance story. Sure, it has sex, but it's still romance because both parties fall in love. Never mind that they aren't in love with one another. There's a reason for that. No, don't start trying to explain why now. It's too late for that. It'll take too long and the deadline for submission is in three days. Okay, so maybe it isn't romance. Maybe you should just call it Erotic Coupling.

What? The waitress is his sister, you say? And, he really did think she was hot? He went home and masturbated when he thought about how sexy she looked leaning over the table in that skimpy little uniform of hers. Do you think Laurel will put your story in Incest/Taboo just because of that one little slip-up? You better go back and untie that leading lady. You don't want Laurel thinking you're kinky or something, do you? She reads all these stories and you want her to think your story is the best one she's ever read, so untie that woman, right now!

Try again. Your hero has both arms. Your leading lady is not tied up. Yeah, they're both cheaters because they are not in love with each other, but that's just a minor detail. You can figure out how to punish them both later in your sequel. Loving Wives readers will love that. Just don't have him watching his lady-friend get pounded by some other guy! That would make your hero a cuckold and they won't stand for that one bit. Don't invite those negative comments. Be smart. Remember that your story is perfect; better than all the rest.

Oh, for goodness sakes! You took out the best parts now. You eliminated the 'good stuff' and now all you have is a brief masturbation scene left. There aren't even any toys involved! But, if you change the masturbation scene to the heroine instead of the hero, you could add toys to spice it up a bit. She could be fantasizing about his sister and that would take care of the whole Incest/Taboo question. But, wouldn't that make it a Lesbian sex story?

It's one day to deadline. You don't have much time left. You better go ask someone who knows more than you do. Take it to the Author's Hangout. They'll know. They might even tell you how to change it up a bit by placing the scene in a futuristic world run by women. Yeah! If you do that, then you could have the hero tied up by women who don't have to masturbate at all! A tied up man isn't Non-con. That could work, couldn't it? His sister could be a galactic princess who casts him into servitude as a pony-boy as punishment for being a cheater. Are you beginning to see that sequel now?

Okay, so maybe it is a long way from that thing that happened to you when you were in your first year of college. But, it's still an interesting story. If you write it, they will come. Now, stop over thinking it and press that submit button!