So You're Gonna Fuckin Die

So, You're Gonna Fuckin Die: A Self-Help Manual

Andrew J. Kolesar, N.A.M.D.

Copyright © - 12-17-2001

After hearing that my ex-wife was dying of cancer (which was a lie of course) I was encouraged to write a self-help manual.

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Do you smell that putrid stench of something rotting? Does it seem like you're the only one who can smell it? Does it follow you wherever you go? If you answered "yes" to these questions then that might mean that the Ol' Grim Reaper is gonna be knocking on your door soon. So, you're gonna fuckin die. What can you do? Honestly there's not much you can do. Except kiss your ass good-bye. But I'd recommend kissing your loved ones first - no one likes ass breath, not even if it's from a departing loved one.

Hi, I'm Andrew J. Kolesar N.A.M.D. (Not A Medical Doctor) and I'm here to help you with your up coming, and eventual death. In this text we'll explore many different and unorthodox ways of dealing with this little problem you have. Like most people on this planet you are probably sitting there freaking the fuck out. Why? You're just dying. Happens to the best of us. So take a deep breath (if you are able to) and relax, it's not gonna be all that bad. Unless you're a really evil bastard and believe in Hell, then I guess you're right. You're probably fucked.

All the other self-help booklets and the other shit that's out there won't prepare you for a damn thing. If you have bought any of these poorly written works, chuck'em. They're trying to make money off you and your situation or are written from a happy happy joy joy point of view. Let's face it, you're gonna fuckin die. This isn't a happy thing, it sucks! So in this text we're going to keep it real, and honest.

First off you knew this day would come, so quit yer fuckin bitchin. It's annoying, and depressing and no one likes a whiner. It isn't gonna do you or anyone else any good for you to keep dwelling on it. Live your last few moments, and when the time comes you'll keel over. Don't worry about your family, when the time comes feel free to croak. They'll understand. If they don't, hey! Not your fuckin problem anymore, you'll be dead. So relax, and enjoy the rest of the ride.

If you're a good person, who cares about their family after you're gone then you might want to make arrangements for your funeral and burial services. As we all know the cost for this shit is ridiculously high. Once again another faction who's making out like a bandit over your situation. But unless you build your own funeral pyre in your backyard, there's not much you can do about it. However, you can cut some costs. What the fuck do you need a stainless steel, or oak casket for? You're soon gonna be worm shit. You wouldn't know the difference between an oak luxury model, or a cardboard box. So be realistic and get a cheap one. Why would you care about an airtight casket anyway? Do you really want or think someone's gonna dig your sorry carcass up to check up on you? For your sake, and the rest of the population's sake, I hope not. Even if you're thinking about being turned into a human torch you're still gonna need a casket. Just be realistic over the purchase of it, and remember, it isn't a damn home.

Cemetery plots vary in price as well. The nicer plots are of course more than the plots next to the sewer grates and highways. We all have this image in mind of a nice perfect hill where the sun is shining brightly down on it. Our family is gathered around a beautiful tombstone weeping so sweetly. There are flowers of every kind, and our plot is spotlessly clean. Wake up! If they haven't forgot about your corpse in six months you'll be damn lucky. And the only flowers on your grave are the ones you're helping to push up. So forget about the perfect plot its too much money for a corpse to rent. Once again, let's be realistic. The only time you're gonna see the strip of land where your worm invested body will be is while you're alive. Get the cheapest damn thing there is. Because in a few months no one is even gonna remember you're there.

Or if cremation is the way you want to go then that's ok to. Once again, get the cheapest damn casket. They're only gonna torch it with ya. Doesn't really make sense to buy the most expensive one now does it? Don't buy the most expensive urn either. For God's sake, someone might end up thinking it's a really nice tea container and use your ashes to brew some very nasty tea. But lets hope this doesn't happen. Instead I suggest getting the cheapest thing to hold your ashes, a ziplock bag will do. You sure as hell won't know the difference. And instead of displaying your remains like some morbid trophy, have your family properly dispose of it. Bottom of a trashcan will do. Or if for some sick reason they want a cooked relative in the house have them dig a hole in the backyard and dump what's left of you in it. But remember, it is illegal, so be discrete. Please, do not have them dump your ashes in a public place; not only is it a contamination but it's just plain gross. If you feel you need your ashes to be free of it's earthly confinement then pick a nice flower bed at home, you'll be good fertilizer for the plants. There are many ways to dispose of your ashes, just use common sense.

After you've made the preparations for your soon to be corpse, you need to make a Will. This is entirely up to you. Divide what you have up amongst your loved ones and put it down. However, you can add some style to it. Have them compete in a tournament. Give out prizes to the winners. There's nothing that says you can't do it, and it'll give a chance for someone to get something you had that they really wanted. However you do it is up to you. Remember that relative that constantly asks for something of yours? The old line of, "When you die, can I have it?" Well guess what? You're gonna die, you're writing out your will, oops, to bad, can't have it. It annoyed the hell outta you in life, and now that you've gone tits up why the hell should you give it to them? You shouldn't. In fact will it to the relative they like the least. After all, there's nothing like a good family brawl during a funeral.

Now the above was written for the person who loves and cares for their family. If you couldn't give a fuck about them then stick them with the bill. Not only will it really piss them off but it's the last mean thing you'll ever get to do to them. As far as your Will goes, leave everything you have to a cult or some other strange organization. They'll hate you for it but you'll be dead so who cares? And there's nothing like having the last laugh now is there? In your case, make sure you spend as much money as possible on your funeral. Give money away to charities at a sickening rate, and sell off your worldly possessions giving the money to anyone other than those leeches you call kin. To much trouble? Then rent a small apartment, and torch the place you used to call home. Just make it look accidental. Collect the insurance money and blow it on any gambling game there is. Enjoy yourself, it's your money.

If you're actually still alive after all this, now is the time to live. Depending on how much time you have left or your current health condition depends greatly on what you can do. Take a vacation, do something you've always wanted to. The key is to take your mind off the fact that you're gonna be a rotting corpse in a short amount of time. So have fun! Taking some heavy meds? The kind that are strong enough to knock an elephant off it's feet? Well stop taking them. You are about to die, what the hell are they doing for you anyway? Prolonging what will eventually happen? Give'em up! Throw out the ones you don't like, and keep the ones you do. Even though you'll die quicker, you'll feel better before you kick the bucket. Now get out there and live!

Don't worry about the danger level of your activity, since you're gonna be crossing over to the other side soon that shouldn't be a fear factor to you. Sure, no one wants to die a grisly death. Jumping out of a plane, parachute not working, splattering on the Earth. Not really a pretty picture is it? But neither is watching your decaying ass lie in bed slowly rotting away. At least if you have a fatal accident it'll be quick and hopefully painless. Might be filled with a few minutes of absolute terror, but you can't have everything. So get out there, do something you've always wanted to do. The deadlier it is, the funnier it is. You say you want to do something highly illegal? Go for it! What's the worse that can happen? The death penalty? You'll have the last laugh; you'll be dead before it even goes to trial. Just remember to have fun.

Well you say fun and risky business isn't your style? There are still plenty of things for the "soon to be a corpse" people to do. I mean look at all those senior citizens. They smell that putrid stench but you don't see them crying about it. Whatever it is you decide to do, just make sure it is something enjoyable to you. Killing the dog next door that always barks at 3am? Is that ok to do? Sure it is! Why the hell not. Make your last remaining days as pleasant as you can. Do whatever your heart's desire.

Before you die, don't forget to settle old scores. You wouldn't want one of your relatives to think that you're still mad at him, would you? Of course you would! In fact call the son of a bitch up and remind him of your grudge, let him know that you'll take your hatred of him to the grave. Slip in how you thought his wife gave lousy head anyway and wasn't all that good in bed to begin with. Just make sure that said wife isn't a blood relative of yours, ah forget that. That'd make it even worse, you'll be dead, whatta ya care about your reputation for? Any other grudges you have are up to you on how you would like to settle them.

If there are small children around who don't understand exactly what's going on, this is a good time to explain to them what death is. Don't worry about scaring them, what you have to tell them won't scare them any more than your appearance does already. Have you noticed they've been avoiding you lately? Sit down and talk with them, tie them up if you have to, and let them know what's going on, what can be expected. Let them know it's ok to be sad and to cry. Even though they're terrified and screaming at you right now. Just whatever you do, don't fuckin die on them in the middle of your talk. That'll really fuck'em up for life. Be as patient as you can with them, they're children. But not to patient, remember, you are about to fuckin die.

Well that's about it. I hope this has been helpful to you and yours. We all die, it's something no one can avoid. All the medicine out there can only do so much. But before we go tits up there is so much we can do. You can really feel alive like never before. Get so much accomplished and you can croak knowing you've done what you wanted, got what you wanted, seen what you wanted, and maybe fucked who you wanted. So instead of being depressed about it, enjoy the rest of your life. Don't worry about tomorrow, because for you there isn't one. Good-bye, good luck, and enjoy your life before you die. You poor dead fuck.