Sobriety and Celibacy

Ask any of my friends and they would be the first to admit that my views differ from theirs. For example, I have issues using the terms boyfriend, relationship, and serious in conversations involving the guys I typically have around. Unless of course the sentence in question is something along the lines of "The guy you referred to as my boyfriend, and I are not in a serious relationship." However, I have stronger morals than some. For instance I refuse to hook up with guys who have significant others, but the past few guys in my life who made it to the next level, relationship wise, I could care less if they cheated on me, which all did. There is something about being "the other woman" that bothers me, or maybe it is that I've seen too many of my friends fall victim to "the other woman's" intrusion. Regardless, I will get to the story.

The other night I had a friend come through town who needed a place to stay. Chad gave me a call around midnight saying he was in the area and needed a place to crash before he hit the road again, to which I offered my couch. I had been at the bar with some friends and had nursed more than my share of drinks. I grabbed a cab home just in time to let Chad in the door. We caught up over a couple more beers. He had told me he was on his way to his fiancé's parent's house, and just needed to catch up on some sleep. I apparently neglected this part of our conversation.

Soon thereafter we were in my room half naked, making out when the term "fiancé" rang through my head. I freaked out, kicked him out of my room, and for a moment there, I had become the other girl.

My phone's alarm woke me up around 8:30 only to find Chad was gone, but his scent was stuck to my sheets. I threw them in the wash and sent out a text to Kerry simply stating that I was taking a vow of celibacy and no longer drinking. She laughed. Which, in her defense, would be an acceptable reaction from most of my friends, since they are all well aware of my track record. I don't know why it is such a big deal to me but I promised myself that I'd never get drunk enough to make a mistake like the one with Chad, and I think it is safe to say my sex drive had a big part in my lapse of judgment. I explained the situation to her and she, for the most part, understood. What she didn't was the sobriety section of my new moral contract. She continued to ask questions about this internal promise to myself, basically looking for loopholes, hoping that I could at least drink around her. I assumed that she thought I was a more enjoyable person with a few drinks in me.

Fast forward three weeks and I had stuck to my guns. Sober and celibate I had gotten so much accomplished. I had read through my entire semester's material, cycled at least 8 miles a day, and unfortunately picked up smoking to help take the edge off. I could handle sobriety, but the whole celibacy thing had gotten to me. I had decided if I was going to remain celibate I should do it right and not... ugh... help myself out. I had sex dreams literally every evening, and they weren't amazing dreams. Honestly, they were pathetic and lacked the detail I would need to get by. However, I knew that if I stopped smoking I would wake up one night dry humping a pillow or sleep walking to a strip club.

At some point during that third week Kerry had the group over cocktails. She even splurged and purchased tiny toothpicks in the shape of penises for the drinks. Out of the group I was closest to Kerry by far, and quite impressed with her ability to take the initiative to get the part going. She typically went with the flow of things and let everyone else do the planning.

Standing around Kerry's small kitchen Leah called out, "So, Marissa, how is the whole celibacy and sober thing going?" She said in a mocking tone, knowing I was suffering. "Fine, thanks for asking," I replied grudgingly. The girls began recounting the point of my promise to myself: not one of my finest moments. Kerry came and squeezed in between Lacey and I to join in the conversation. "So when is this whole thing going to end, I mean you can't honestly intend on never having sex again, or drinking. I mean fuck you aren't Mother Theresa," Leah continued.

"I don't know," I replied honestly, "I have so much more energy now, but I suppose not until I am over it. I mean what if it had been one of your boyfriends?" I strategically admitted this, knowing that it would get them to stop questioning my motives. It didn't.

"I doubt you would have ever put yourself in that type of situation with anyone who was involved with one of us." Kerry said as she put one of her toned arms around my waist, placing her hand on the bare skin between my denim skirt and my tight tank top, giving me a bit of a side hug. The small skin-to-skin contact with another person sent chills through me. I wanted to melt into her. It took me a while to say anything.

Once I was able to absorb what she had said, I decided that she did have a point. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my friendships. Besides, the men in my life come and go too frequently, but these girls have always stayed. Who needed a boyfriend when I have all the stability I needed in them.

Regardless, throughout the evening I was able to burn through half a pack and probably pay too much attention to the mini penis sticks. But I was able to keep an eye on the rest of the girls, a habit I picked up once I stopped drinking.

I had noticed that Kerry hadn't even finished her first drink by the time the girls began making their way home. I volunteered to help her clean up, hoping I could figure out what the cause of her sudden change in personality was.

She was bent over the coffee table picking up napkins and half drunk glasses of liquor, allowing the fabric of her shirt to ride up, catching my attention. The sexual repression was obviously getting to me. I made my way over to the stereo and turned off the music, picking up cold empty bottles of rum and vodka as I went along, trying to avoid Kerry's exposed skin. I picked up a towel and ran it under some warm water, instantly warming up my hands. I began wiping down the counters that once held remains of the party when Kerry walked into the kitchen dropping more bottles into a trash sack.

She disappeared into her room then returned wearing cotton shorts and thin tank top exposing her rising nipples. She slid on top of the counter and watched me wipe down the rest.

"You threw a pretty good shindig if you ask me."

"Ya think?"

"Yeah. I mean throwing these things aren't typically your thing, but it was fun."

"Yeah, well I've had a bit of change of heart recently."

"I've noticed. You didn't drink your typical amount tonight either."

"Well, I don't know. I was telling Leah I kind of have a crush on someone, but they typically go for more outgoing people. So I decided to throw this little girls night and watch what a drink."

"Ah, I see. But I don't know why you are all concerned about watching what you drink." I said as I tossed the cleaning rag in the corner and mimicked her position on the opposite counter.

"Well, I don't want to hook up with 'em and be drunk. Ya know like give them the impression that I only did because I was drunk, or ya know, that I would later regret the whole thing."

"And you felt the need to practice this at a party with all girls?"

"It is hard to explain," Kerry said as she brought her legs up to her chest, still crouched on top of the counter, allowing her shorts to ride up a little higher.

I stood up trying to drag my attention away from her tan thighs and budding nipples. "God," I thought to myself, "I am so fucking desperate." I had always been attracted to other women, only the idea of a penis was always more appealing.

"I've got time, if you want to try." I said as I began sticking half drunk bottles of liquor in the freezer, still attempting to distract myself from Kerry's body, but the cool air from the freezer just sent chills up my spine and intensified my nerves.

"Well, ok." Kerry replied with a sigh. "Have I ever told you I was bi?"

"No." I said, genuinely surprised. "Have you ever, ya know, hooked up with another girl?" I added excitedly.

"Once, my sophomore year."

"Well, how was it?" I was eager to listen considering I'd never been with another girl, and I hadn't been getting any recently. I might as well listen to Kerry's story of getting some even if I can't I.

"It was nice." She said letting out a deep breath. "Like imagine those moments when you are with a guy, and they are a little too rough, or stiff, or don't know how to do something. And picture hooking up with someone, and neither of those problems are an issue. Oh! And girls smell good and are way softer. It is like girls can be rough, but sensitive about it. Just a sexy, smooth, aggressive feeling, I guess."

I suppose I could have worked that out for myself, but the expression on her face made me believe that it was better than I expected.

"That kind of sounds awesome."

"Well yeah, it is!"

"So, go on?" I regretted saying it the moment it escaped my lips. "Wait! Do you have a crush, like ya know, on like, one of us? Is it Leah?" Remembering that she mentioned talking to her earlier.

"Leah? No. I went to her for advice."

"Ah, well then who is it!"

I caught myself before she said anything. "I am sorry. You don't have to answer that. It is my inner gossip queen coming out." Except that isn't how I felt, deep down I knew I wanted it to be me. Could she possibly want me as much as I want her? And here I was, all evening sucking down half a pack of cigarettes, smelling like pathetic redirected urges, and wishing I had at least one drink earlier to calm my nerves.

"I am sorry," I added again.

"Ha, no don't worry about it."

I walked over to the open counter space next to her and propped myself up against it, facing her. I'd never approached another girl before, never even thought of how to go about it. But right now I didn't care that much. It was in the back of my head wondering about how to go about this, but I never had to worry about strategy with Kerry, it has always worked. Even though this is new terrain, I doubt it would be much different.

I tried to find her eyes. They were diverted. Looking at the ground in concentration. I wanted to see her piercing green eyes. I wanted to see what she was thinking, and her eyes would be the gateway to her inner thoughts. I placed my feet on the tile and quickly excused myself to the bathroom, knowing there was an extra bottle of rum in the living room I would be able to grab on the way.

Once in the bathroom I checked myself in the mirror. I wiped a bit of nonexistent smeared eyeliner that I always assume is tarnishing my eye lids, then quickly unscrewed the half drunk bottle of rum, and took a few quick swigs, then washing my mouth out with some Listerine. I rechecked myself in the mirror and left the restroom, knowing that if this evening went as planned I would be waking up here in the morning. I wasn't sure if the butterflies in my stomach are from the sudden presence of alcohol in my system, the fear of being turned down, or the fear of everything working out, but I would find out soon. Kerry's courage would only make it so far. And I think admitting her sexuality and throwing this party was already stretching its limits.

I picked up the bottle of rum and opened the door to find Kerry standing in front of the door. She pushed her way into the door, closing it behind her. She placed her arm around my waist and pulled me into her, placing one of her hands on the side of my head and the other on my collarbone. She firmly thrust me against her sink and kissed me. The initial shock of her aggressiveness caught me off guard.

Her left hand drifted down towards my breast and squeezed, making me light headed. I had simply stood there, allowing her to force me where she pleased. After the shock wore off I placed one of my hands behind her shoulder, pulling her into me, finally kissing her back. I forced her towards the door, pinning one of her hands above her head against he white wooden frame, allowing her other hand to remain on my breast.

I ran my hands down her sides to her waist, feeling the bare skin between her top and cotton bottoms, barely placing my finger tips beneath the elastic of her shorts. She moved her hand away from my breast, leaving my nipple aching for more. She reached for the doorknob, twisting it while moving towards me. We managed to keep our lips locked until she pushed me onto the couch, swinging on of her legs over my hips, straddling me.

My hands found their way to her ass, lifting her up so her waist lay directly on top of mine. Kerry kissed her way down my neck to my chest, sending a familiar tingling sensation through my body. She lifted my shirt over my head, returning her mouth to collarbone. I pulled her up to me again and began placing kisses across her neck as removed my bra and returned her hands to my aching breasts. I exhaled into her ear and whispered, "There is no better way you could have described this to me." I felt her cheeks break into a smile against my skin. She moved up to my lips and placed hers against mine, kissing me deeply. I pulled her top off and tossed it over my head, my hands continued to explore her bare midriff, unsure of how far this was going, or how far she wanted to go. At this point I was so turned on that it would be impossible for me to turn her down.

She must have sensed my hesitation as she unbuttoned my skirt, whispering, "Is this okay?" I was aching, placing my hand on her breast and squeezing, exhaling the only sound I could, which luckily was "Uh huh." Kerry tugged my skirt down to my ankles, leaving me in my soaked thong. I pulled her cotton shorts down to her ankles, pulling her closer into my body at the same time. She pulled my thong to the side and allowed my aroma to fill the air, sticking two fingers into my slippery hole. I moaned in satisfaction, pulling her closer to me. I lifted my hips up to meet her hand, pushing back into her palm, wanting her to fill me more. She kissed her way down my stomach, finally to my jutting hipbones. I let out a moan, hoping she would take this as encouragement. Her mouth met my anxious clit eagerly, flicking my bud with the tip of her tongue, never ceasing the consistent thrusts from her fingers.

Just as she began sucking on my clit she shoved a third finger into me as she drew me to my first orgasm in what seemed like months, through the intensity I blacked out. Upon waking, blushing out of embarrassment, she greeted me with a kiss.

"Welcome back, M," she said kissing me again.

"Ugh, fuck." She looked taken aback. "No!" I said, hoping she didn't think I was regretting any of that. "I meant, 'fuck,' as in "fuck why did I have to pass out."

"Oh." She said, still unsure. I took placed my hands around her head and brought her mouth to mine, hoping this was reinforcing my argument.

Quickly the intensity was brought back up. Wanting to pleasure her as much as she did me, I pulled her underwear down to her knees, sticking on my fingers into her slit, the way I like. She shook underneath me in response, encouraging me for more. I found her clit with my thumb and pushed two fingers into her as she had me, hoping that this is what she wanted. She began to grind her pussy into my hand as I kissed her shoulder.

I pumped my fingers faster as she pushed harder into my hand. I felt a slight pain in my shoulder, but neglected it. I felt her muscles flex around my fingers as I pushed harder into her, stroking her g-spot. My hand was covered in her decadent honey after her orgasm and the pain in my shoulder subsided. She collapsed breathing deeply on top of me. Kerry placed another kiss on my lips, and I held on to her.

"M?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I bit you."

"What?"

"Your shoulder. I bit you."

"Oh," I said feeling the teeth marks on the back of my shoulder. "It's ok. I liked it."

"You are going to bruise!"

"Don't worry about it, I just won't wear tops like these for a while." I said pointing to the spaghetti strapped top I had come over in. "But you are amazing. Like seriously. That was the best orgasm I think I have ever had."

"You don't have to be sarcastic."

"No! I'm not! Like, I never imagined that being with another woman would be anything like that."

"So, you aren't regretting this?"

"No! Not at all! It took all I had to keep my eyes off you all night."

Kerry smiled, "So much for the whole celibacy thing. And sober, I can still taste the rum on you." She added, tasting my lips.