Socks and Stockings Ch. 04

"I've thought of a way to maybe help the situation," I said, sucking my unshed tears to the top of my head. He looked up at me, a glimmer of hope in his eye, relief passing over his face like a ray of sunshine. "I am going to see a counselor, to see if maybe I'm not doing everything I can for you. If I can get a professional opinion, I might be able to find a final solution and we can move on from this."

"If that's what you want," he said. It sounded as if there was more to his thought but the waitress interrupted us. She had a look of half-concern on her face, seeing our hard expressions. Mine loosened the moment she approached. I ordered a club sandwich. Bryan ordered one his old favorites, a hamburger with ketchup, mustard, and pickle only. I had a feeling we wouldn't eat much.

"What do you think about my idea?" I asked him once the waitress had gone.

"If that's what you want. But, none of this is your fault. I just wasn't thinking. I'm sorry I didn't think of your feelings first. I was just…"

I looked away, "I know." I blushed and without thinking, said quietly, "But you could have shared something special with me and you chose not to."

He was quiet again. I sipped my tea.

"So, are you coming home?" he asked. I froze. I hadn't thought of that.

"Do you want me to come home?" I asked. In all honesty, I could have stopped the statement at 'me'.

"I'd like you to come home. I missed you last night." His eyes were full of remorse now. I felt a twinge of guilt.

"Then, yes." I said. "I'll follow you home after lunch." The waitress returned with two bowls of vegetable soup. She set them down in front of us along with a basket of crackers. She smiled at us and left us alone.

"I'm glad," he said. Then something occurred to me that hurt me to repeat aloud.

"But we can't have sex," I said. My chest ached, my brain screaming in rebellion.

"What?" he said, his eyebrow quirking.

"We can't have sex," I reiterated.

"But this whole argument was about sex. Why-"

"Because the last thing I want is a pity fuck," I said. He looked puzzled. "I'll talk to the counselor. I want to see if the deeper problem can be solved first. Until then, you can do what you've been... doing up until now." I chuckled a little. The comedy of his decision to pleasure himself instead of being with a woman made me laugh outright. It all seemed like a joke now.

After we ate, I drove home, following him. I was able to think clearly for the first time in a day. No longer suffering so much anger and frustration, I was able to think of other things. My dream flashed back to mind and I felt my cheeks grow warm. I was still baffled at how strong an effect the dream had had on me. I hadn't had many like that, but I had had vivid dreams as a child and over time – had learned to differentiate between the possible and the impossible – the symbolic and the actual. I supposed, as I followed Bryan home, it had been a nice dream. And that's how it would be remembered.

I made an appointment with Dr. Morgan's secretary for Monday afternoon and left work early. Tessa couldn't help jabbing at me once or twice about me having to see a shrink, but her humor helped more than hindered me in my decision. And though I had made a decision not to back down, I was nervous about seeing the doctor. Moreover, I was nervous about what he might say. Where might he lay the blame of the situation? Then there was the part of me that remained hopeful, thinking there might be counseling or a treatment for the issue. Deep down, my utmost desire was to fix my problem with Bryan. Because, I reminded myself, as I sat in the office waiting to be called, there had been a time when Bryan and I had had more sex. Surely this problem couldn't last long? Could it?

The door to the private office opened and a pretty brunette walked out, smiling wide and slightly flushed. Her gait was stuttered and she straightened her skirt a little before exiting the lobby.

"Send in my next appointment whenever they get here, Carol," a man's voice called out from the office. The private office door closed and the secretary looked at me from her desk, small wrinkles creasing at the corners of her smile.

"You may go in now, Mrs. Denton." There was a glint in her eye, as if she'd just been reminded of an inside joke. I only thought about it in passing and let myself into the office.

The doctor stood on the other side of the office, looking intently into a manila folder that he held in his hands. He was a tall man, wearing black dress-slacks, a snug-fitting white shirt buttoned down his chest to the tuck in his pants and a black blazer coat draped over his broad shoulders. Black dress shoes gleamed under the cuff of his pants and a gold watch twinkled from his right wrist. I stood stupidly for a moment. He looked up from the folder.

"Good afternoon, Mrs.-" he closed the folder in his hand and picked up another, looking inside it, "Denton?" He looked up at me, his eyes looking startlingly more blue than they had appeared on the back-cover of his book.

"Hi," I said, then realized perhaps it was too brief a salutation. "I'm pleased to meet you, Dr. Morgan." I reached out my hand. He took it in his for a moment, not shaking it, just holding it. His hands were large and soft, manicured, though he had a few callouses, no doubt from sifting through paper for hours a day.

"I'm very glad to meet you," he said, making direct eye-contact with me. The perfect clarity of his eyes was mesmerizing. It was unmistakable by the look on his face, that he knew the effect he had on women. He knew that he was not only handsome but beautiful, though the way he carried himself and spoke didn't support that he was conceited.

"Please have a seat," He said offering me his couch with a deep, reassuring voice. I sat down on it, though there was plenty of room to recline. Light streamed in through the window, the sill of which was adorned with a small, potted cactus and several folded cards – no doubt 'Thank You' cards from his satisfied patients.

He sat down in a plush chair across from the couch, crossed one leg over the other and opened my manila folder. He clipped the contents under the silver restraint of his clipboard. He pulled a gleaming, black pen with gold accents from his shirt pocket and turned it to push out the tip. He looked over the papers for a moment and then looked up at me, the blunt edge of his pen against his cheek.

"How are you doing today, Mrs. Denton?"

It wasn't a particularly specific question and I wasn't sure how to answer it at first.

"Very well, thank you." I smiled, fidgeting a bit.

"Feel free to make yourself comfortable," he said, possibly detecting my uneasiness. I set my purse on the floor by my feet and pulled my jacket from my shoulders. I folded it over itself once and set it beside me on the couch. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. He just smiled.

"So, why would you say you decided to pay my office a visit today?"

"Well..." I was unsure where to start. "My husband and I are having trouble at home." He wrote down a short word.

"Trouble," he repeated. I nodded in response. "What kind of trouble are you having?"

"Well... he...we..." My face involuntarily scrunched up. I scratched an itch on the side of my head.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me. Everything is completely private here." He sat up then, his smile warm. I tried to think of a way to explain it politely and without rushing but the situation came out in a rush of words.

"We haven't had sex in weeks. I don't know what could be wrong. The other day I caught him jacki... masturbating and I'm not really sure why. He knew I'd be home any minute and he couldn't wait fifteen minutes for me. I figured if he was horny he could come to me for sex, but I don't know what happened. What's happened to us? I can't tell whether it's me or it's him or what. I don't know what to do for him." I took a deep breath and fought back the threat of tears. Anger rose in my chest and cheeks, burning there as I looked at the floor.

He scribbled a few lines down quickly then looked up.

"So you feel as though his attention is misplaced. You don't understand his inability to wait. You feel as though this is your fault." The butt of his pen was on his cheek again.

"Yes," I raked my fingers through my hair. He was silent while I tried to sum up what I was thinking – the main reason for why I was really here. I looked past the doctor at the cactus on the windowsill. "I just wish I knew what was wrong with me." I looked at the doctor, his eyes still maintained the look of clarity. "I don't think I'm ugly. I'm not model skinny but I'm not a walrus. I dress sexy for him fairly often. I don't know."

"Let's look at you, just you for a moment. Where do you see yourself in this relationship?" It took me a few minutes to think about it, he calmly waited for my reply.

"I'm a wife but I'm also a lover. I'm a woman," I bit my lip. "But more importantly, I'm his friend and even if he didn't, you know, love me anymore, you'd think he could trust me enough, as a friend, to tell me if he needed something." I closed my eyes, feeling as though I'd hit on an important point.

He scratched something down again and set his clipboard on an end-table beside his chair.

"I'd like to try an that some find to be strange but which most of my patients find extremely helpful. It helps me diagnose my patients properly. It's a very thorough exercise." My ear felt a tickle at the mention of some kind of treatment. "It's a form of hypnosis. Now it's completely up to you. We can try it and see if it works. If you don't want to try it, it's perfectly all right."

"Hypnosis..." I thought aloud. "Does it really help?... In diagnosis I mean?"

"Oh it's very... very effective." His hand touched my knee, but I hardly noticed. It was a light, comforting touch.

I took a deep breath and shivered out of fear that he might discover something secret or terrible. Maybe there were things inside of me that I didn't even know were there.

"Yes. I'll try it," I said resolutely.

"All right. I want you to lie back and close your eyes. I have to get a few things before we can start." I did as he instructed and heard him walk over to what must have been a cabinet. He shuffled a bit and pulled out a few items. He returned and I heard the squeak of his chair as he sat back down. "Are you ready?"

I nodded, my eyes squeezing shut tight involuntarily.

"I'm going to burn some incense to help relax you." He said. I heard a lighter click and a flame whispered out in the silence. In a few moments I picked up the faint scent of smoke, then a nondescript perfume.

"Now, listen carefully to the sound of my voice. Block out all other sounds... concentrate on the sound of my voice... until all you can hear are the words I'm saying to you. If you understand my instructions, nod your head. Do you understand?"

I nodded slowly. The thrash of blood in my ears quietened. My heart stopped roaring and began to slow down.

"The stress in your head and neck is washing away... down to the tightness in your scalp. Every muscle in your neck is loosening." Immediately I felt my neck relax and blood rushed into my head making my ears tingle. I nearly felt sleepy.

"Now your aching shoulders... they're beginning to ease into the couch. Your arms... your chest. The heaviness is going out of them now." Another shiver crawled up my spine. His voice was coming in waves now, the light in the darkness behind my eyes dancing. I couldn't help but smile. For the first time in weeks I was beginning to relax.

"The knots in your stomach are unraveling. Your hips... your thighs..." My whole body warmed at his voice and I breathed in deep. My lips fell open. The air felt ice cold on my eyes. I felt like I was breathing out steam. I could feel every drop of blood in my veins moving into my muscles as if they'd never been there before.

"The feeling of relaxation is traveling now... it's in your knees... your ankles... your feet." Now the warmth became more intense. My whole body was coursing, each part almost feeling separate from the others. I felt delirium settling in. It felt so good to lay there and feel nothing but my blood rushing... and the strangeness of being so energized and calm at the same time.

"Now..." his velvet voice melted into my ear. It sounded as though he were speaking directly into it. "Do you smell the smoke?" I did still smell the smoke, which I realized didn't smell like anything but regular smoke, but I didn't bother asking him the purpose of it. I nodded 'yes' at his question.

"Mrs. Denton. I want you to take a slow, deep breath of the smoke. It won't harm you. But as you do, I want you to imagine that it is the scent of your husband's cologne." The word 'cologne' echoed pleasantly in my head. I could feel myself smile dumbly again, feeling every muscle move in my face.

"Do you smell his scent, Mrs. Denton?" I could still only smell smoke, but I nodded 'yes' anyway. "Take a few moments and let the smell enter your mind as much as possible." His voice tickled my hot ears. I continued to breath deep and slow. Then it hit me...

The smoke did smell like Bryan's cologne. 'What the hell is going on!' I thought. I almost screamed it. But for some reason... I couldn't sit up... couldn't react fully. Something in my mind tingled at the smell of Bryan's cologne. I realized with mounting shock that something else in my body was in control of me... some other part of my consciousness was controlling my body. The sensible Eve wanted to sit up and leave... this new part of me kept me lying there... helpless. 'How can I be a prisoner in my own body!' I thought. The muscles on my face twitched.

"Don't be alarmed if you experience real feelings or smells in the hypnotic state, Mrs. Denton. It's normal. It's part of the process. I promise you, through this process we will find out what needs to be done about your situation. Do you understand?"

I nodded. The smoke continued to smell more and more like Bryan. My brain prickled more every second. The temperature of my body continued to rise. Even though I was thoroughly alarmed at the situation, my body was completely limp.

"Now, as you remain completely relaxed. I want you to describe your husband, sparing no detail." I breathed deep at the words and thought I might hold my breath to try and break out of the trance, but there wasn't anything I could do. My head tingled and my lips began to move. My voice vibrated in my throat and somehow... words began to stream from my lips.

"He has dark hair. He's tall. He has a wonderful smile. His eyes are beautiful."

"Now I want you to imagine he's standing naked in front of you. Continue describing him." The word 'naked' flooded my whole body with sensation. Suddenly I was less resistant to my state of non-control. Perhaps this was the way it had to be. I felt split apart but if I struggled now, the hypnosis may fail and the solution may never be found. I could still feel little pin pricks of electricity in my skull and I listened to myself speak... separated from my body in a way.

I could see Bryan standing there in my mind, fuzzy and almost translucent, but there none-the-less. Now the scent had a face to match and my own body began to react almost violently. I shivered and my fingers gripped the couch. My nipples unashamedly pressed up against the inside of my blouse. I could hardly keep up with my own description of him. It was growing more intimate and specific.

"His nipples are small, he has a birth mark just above his left hip. He has a beauty mark to the right of his cock. His pubic hair is slightly copper in color. His cock is hard and dripping with pre-cum. His balls are tight and full of cum... all for me." If I had been fully conscious I never would have said such things – not even to my doctor! I felt as though I were on fire now, possibly from embarrassment or arousal, maybe both. It was hard to tell.

"Now..." his dark rich voice sank in again. With each word there was lightning in the base of my neck. "Describe the last time you saw him this way. What was the situation?"

My face muscles twisted in anger and my eyes stung though there tightly shut.

"I came home from work with groceries. I went upstairs and found him there. He was jacking off to porn instead of having sex with me." My throat muscles tensed and my teeth ground together. Then I said something that sounded almost infantile. "That cum wasn't for me. It was for something else." The normal Eve would have gasped at the observation. It was such a new revelation and yet it was so plain to be seen. Besides being confused and hurt... I was jealous.

"You say it was for something else. Do you know what that something was?" I didn't think I knew the answer... but the answer came from the back of my head and sprinted from my lips.

"It was for the porn. He thinks they're better than me." I was trapped in my head with a perfectly honest creature, licentious but honest.

"Are they better than you?" He asked. Now I was sure he must be speaking directly into my head.

I waited for the answer to come cascading out in the same manner in which the others had come out... but it never came. Bryan stood there smiling in my head, oblivious to anything else, a perfect figment of my imagination... his hard cock still forcing me into madness.

"It sounds as though some of the problem lies in yourself. You suffer from a terrible case of bad self-esteem. Of course this is only part of the problem." An ache and a longing filled me. The heat dipped low and my shivers of arousal buzzed into nothingness. Bryan stood, still smiling casually... lovingly looking back at me. "We will close this session with an exercise that will help you with your self-esteem."

My brain tingled again, but this time without its former enthusiasm. It was almost a response of resignation... of sadness. I was overwhelmed with the urge to cry but was able to hold back. Dr. Morgan's voice reentered my head and placated me, distracted the primal creature inside of me.

"I want you to re-imagine the situation differently. Imagine that you are standing at your front door, the house keys are in your hand." The smell of Bryan left my head abruptly, the regular smoke smell returned and then changed again into the smell of grass and wood-chips. My brain tingled at the change, and my right-minded self turned again to the feeling of panic. But this time it lasted only seconds. For here I was... standing at my front door. It felt so real... smelled real... looked real. I could feel the metal of keys in my hand. My work clothes were restricting me again. The baguettes in my brown-paper grocery bag smelled so fresh, as if I'd just been to the market.

I looked around then at my watch. It was six-fifty in the evening, exactly the right time for me to have driven home from the grocery store. I touched my own hand in disbelief, it felt so real. A few birds chirped around me and gray clouds drifted by above me. It would be raining in half an hour. But in this... hypnotic dream would I be breaking down on the highway again?

I put the key in the lock and opened the door. There were Bryan's shoes in the foyer. The house was dark just as it had been before. I shook my head a little and tried to think rationally. I took my shoes off and took the groceries into the kitchen and set them down on the counter. 'Should I call out to him?' I thought. Fear and anxiety gripped me. What if I wasn't doing something right and had to relive that awful time again?

"Mrs. Denton?" The doctor's voice echoed gently in the kitchen. I looked around. "Where are you right now?"

"I'm in the kitchen," I answered, looking around at the walls of my house as if I'd never been there before. Intermittently I would smell smoke, then the smell of dish-soap or laundry detergent... then my perfume.