Something Lasting Ch. 03

3

CHARLES

Oddly, I wanted to call Race. Well, perhaps not so oddly. He was probably girding himself for the same reason why I stood at my parents' front door gathering my courage. I'd started hating the winter holidays when I was a teen, aware I didn't fit my parents' image of the perfect son. I'd started wearing unrelieved black as a way to rebel against their control, and now I refused to abandon the style because I actually liked it. But today, in an effort to appease my parents, I'd dressed in something more colorful than usual. My black shirt had silky golden and green stripes embroidered in it, and I'd selected a pair of nice slacks―black, but I'd gone out and gotten a pair of standard dress shoes instead of just wearing my boots. I'd also had the most subtle jewelery I owned in―plain hoops―and had foregone my rings.

I could have walked right in, but I'd lost the comfort I'd had with doing so shortly after I'd moved out. It was as if doing so had put a greater distance between myself and my parents than had been there before. Almost as if I wasn't really their child any more, and it was a feeling I couldn't shake. I'd never really felt like I fit in with my family, and moving out had just increased the feeling, and I sometimes thought if my parents hadn't been so determined to keep me in their lives, I would have given up on my family shortly after moving out.

But they were trying. I didn't feel right if I didn't make some sort of effort, so I rang the doorbell. While whomever decided to come to the door made their trek, I picked up the box full of gifts I'd brought with me, rising just as the door opened.

"Oh, hi, Charles."

"Heather."

She didn't move for a minute, and I wondered if she was just going to shut the door and leave me out here.

"Who is it?" someone called from inside, voice muffled enough I couldn't determine whose it was, only that it was male.

Heather sighed. She was two years my senior and seemed undecided on whether or not to accept me as I was. Half the time we were together, she seemed okay with me, the rest of the time, like apparently now, she didn't seem to like me much. The majority of our associations had fallen to holidays and other family get-togethers with the occasional bawling phone call from her whenever she and her husband argued.

"Charles," she said over her shoulder.

I think a waft of cold air came from my parents' house, and I wondered if I'd be invited in. I could hear a shrill voice demanding to know if she had to let me in―my oldest sister, Bethany, who had two kids and an obvious fear of my sexuality rubbing off onto them. Either that, or the belief I'd try to kidnap one of her brats to molest. Her husband was a bit more easy going, and so were his parents, but she didn't allow them to influence her opinions.

"Yes." This was Dad's voice, and even he sounded like he wasn't sure he wanted me around. "Let him in, Heather."

She stepped back and opened the door wider. I entered, now wondering if they'd appreciate any of the gifts I'd bought. Bethany had already gathered her children close to herself, but Glen rose to greet me with a handshake. I set my box aside and gladly shook that hand he offered, relieved to have at least one person who didn't see anything wrong with me here.

After that, everyone else settled into light chatter. The few times I tried to add input I was ignored, so I stopped trying. Mom and Dad kept their eyes on me, and Bethany herded her children around whenever I moved, keeping about six feet of space between myself and the two of them. Glen offered me apologetic looks and his parents sat on either side of me, clearly being the buffers between myself and my own family. It made me wish I'd been born to them instead of my own parents.

After chatting for a while, Mom got us moved to the dining table, and I ended up in an end seat, Glen's parents across from each other on the perpendicular sides, Dad facing me. I kept my mouth shut as we passed our plates around to be filled, and Dad spent time between carving from the turkey watching me.

At least now I had conversation. Glen's parents chose to ignore the rest of my family in favor of talking to me. It kept the depression which had started to seep in from really infecting my mood and I actually enjoyed myself a little. It also enabled me to eat, and I found the courage to compliment Mom's cooking, the only comment I made into the conversation at the other end of the table. I was not thanked for my compliment, and Dad's mistrustful expression bent into suspicion.

Seeing it, I went still. This wasn't working. Maybe we weren't screaming at each other like we had last Christmas, but this was almost worse. I felt like I was on probation, or guilty of something, and I didn't know what. I doubted anyone would tell me if I asked, either. I put my napkin on what remained of my meal and rose.

"I'll see you all later."

Nobody spoke in reply to my announcement, but I had everyone's attention. Bethany looked smug, which told me she'd probably worked on Mom and Dad before my arrival. I let her count it as her victory, too depressed to really care to stick it out, collected my coat and left the house. In my car, I sat for a minute, wishing I could have done something to make things go better. At least this time I hadn't slammed my way out of my parents' after screaming that they never really loved me. Still, it was the way I felt.

I sighed and started my car. Time to get back to my life, such as it was.

*

RACE

Thus far, there hadn't been a major explosion from either of my parents, but I could tell Dad was working up to something. He was chewing nothing and his replies to Shade's comments were getting more and more clipped. Mom just looked stressed, as if she wanted to escape but couldn't think up a reasonable excuse to leave for as long as she wanted. My parents didn't have Christmas dinner until suppertime, so she couldn't go hide in the kitchen with the excuse she had to start cooking just yet.

Letty was over, and both she and my brother were doing their best to keep things on an even keel, though I suspected they knew as well as I did that it was nearly impossible to do so as long as I was in the mix.

I'd spent the past few days really thinking about what Chaz had said about not wanting to antagonize his parents too much and decided that he had a point, so I'd made a bit of an effort to appear at least a little less unconventional in dress. I'd scrounged up a white button-down shirt and paired it with a pair of my jeans and left off most of my jewelery. Strangely, I didn't feel as out of place as I'd thought I would without unrelieved black clothing and my jewelery. It had started out as armor against the mockery of my schoolmates, but I supposed I'd outgrown the need for such armor now.

We made it all the way through opening gifts without a blowout. But the truce didn't last.

"So, this is your effort to appease us?"

I stiffened at Dad's words. I'd realized long ago most of Dad's protest against my manner of dress had more to do with my sexuality than what I actually wore, but I'd hoped my attempt would work. I should have known better.

"I thought I might try something different." I sounded as stiff and cold as he had but wasn't able to eradicate it from my voice and demeanor though I knew it would only upset Dad further.

"Dad―" Shade began.

"Can you switch off your gayness just as easily?" Dad asked in a snide tone of voice, talking over my brother.

"Unfortunately not." I clipped my words and rested my hands on my knees so I had something to grip. The chair I sat in no longer felt comfortable.

"Mr. McAllister―" This from Letty, but Dad cut her off just as easily.

"Unfortunate for whom?"

I raised my gaze to Dad. He met it and held it with a glare of his own. I raised my chin a little. "You." Without waiting for a reply, I rose and headed out of the living room.

"Get back here, you ungrateful brat!"

I ignored Dad and grabbed my coat from the rack. Dad appeared in the doorway to the living room. I opened the front door and left, slamming it behind me. A blast of cold wind shot through what clothing I wore and I pulled my coat on as quickly as possible as I jumped off the porch.

"Race!"

I half-turned to see Dad in the front door.

"Get back here! I'm not through with you yet!"

I turned to face him, walking backwards down the driveway. "I'm through with you!"

That shocked him and he retreated, slamming the door. I whipped around and headed to the street.

After pulling out my phone, I decided to walk. I could call for a cab from someplace else, a different address. It probably wasn't wise for me to stick around here. Dad might come out after me, and I knew he'd be angry after what I'd said to him―angry enough to possibly drag me into the house again. At the end of the driveway, I turned left.

I managed to pass two houses and was almost at the corner when Shade's car pulled up to the intersection.

"Come on, Race, I'll take you home."

I looked at him, uncertain I wanted his assistance, then decided that it would be much cheaper than a cab from here to my place and crossed the street to get into the back seat. "Sorry about that."

"That's okay," Letty said. "I don't get your parents. You could have turned out to be some mass murderer or thief, and they get conniptions over you being gay. Want to come over to my parents' with us?"

I shook my head. "No, thanks. I'm not very good company right now."

"They like you, Race."

"I know, and I appreciate it, but I just don't feel like being social right now."

She sighed. "Okay."

I buckled in, shifting to answer my phone when it rang. Chaz's number showed on the screen. I frowned a little; he hadn't called over the past few days, and I'd thought he had probably just decided not to pursue friendship with me.

"Who is it?" Shade asked.

"Chaz."

"Well, answer!"

For some reason, my brother's command kicked my reflexes and I did as he'd said. "Hi, Chaz."

"Hey, Race. You free this afternoon?"

I blinked and looked around. "I'm not really good company right now."

Shade turned a corner. "Did he ask to see you?"

"No―just shut up, Shade." I tried to kick the back of his seat but failed to get my foot up high enough.

"You with your family?" Chaz asked.

"Just my brother and Letty. He's driving me home."

"How 'bout I meet you there?"

I looked around again, trying to decide. Part of me really did want to hang out with him again. The rest didn't want to. I was afraid I'd say or do something stupid and end up chasing him away. Sad thing was, it was Christmas day, so there weren't a lot of things to do. Every place was closed, so there wasn't anything to distract me.

"Race?" Chaz prompted.

"Well, are you going to go?" Shade asked at the same time. "I can drive you over to his place."

"Will you shut up, Shade?" This time I managed to dig my knee deep into the back of his seat. I punched it for good measure.

Letty laughed. "I think you should go."

"Oh, God, not you, too."

"Are they teasing you?" Chaz asked.

"Yes!" I glared at Letty, but she didn't look at me, so it proved pointless.

"Ask him if he's at home," Shade said.

I sighed.

"I heard that," Chaz said with a chuckle. "Tell him I am."

"Chaz―"

"Do you really want to spend Christmas by yourself?"

I heaved a great sigh and slumped back against the seat, putting my head on the headrest. "No, not really." If Clarence and I hadn't fallen apart . . . I supposed I should have been glad Chaz was willing to hang out with me. A little part of me actually was.

"Then come on over."

I raised my head when my brother made another turn. "What the fuck are you doing?" I demanded when I realized he wasn't heading the way to my place.

"Taking you to Chaz's. He's home, right?"

I groaned this time.

"Ask him how his visit with his family went."

Apparently I wasn't going to get out of seeing Chaz. I asked the question Shade wanted the answer to.

"God, like shit," Chaz said, and I relayed that. "Come on over, Race. I think we both could use the company. Invite your brother and Letty, too."

"They're going to her parents'."

"Oooh, then it'll just be us," Chaz intoned with a heavy dose of innuendo. I laughed and he chuckled a little. "Come on. We can watch movies and paint each others' nails."

That made me laugh. "Okay."

"What? What did he say?" Shade asked.

"None of your business." I punched the back of his seat again. "He's at home."

"Okay, tell him we're on the way. Should be maybe about fifteen or twenty minutes."

Chaz chuckled. "I heard that. Fifteen minutes, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Great, see you soon."

"Yeah. Bye."

"Adios."

I ended the call and shifted to glare into the reflection of my brother's eyes in the rear view mirror. "Don't you say a word."

"What? I didn't say anything!"

I nodded. "Just don't start, okay?"

"I won't, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die." He took one hand off the wheel to cross his heart. "But it was good to hear you laugh."

I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning into the seat. There were times I really wanted to throttle Shade, and this was one of them. Problem was, if I did that, I wouldn't have any allies left.

*

CHARLES

I had to be insane. Still, when my doorbell rang, I answered it and let Race in. He looked a little uncertain as he removed his coat, but I didn't comment on it because I felt wary again and knew he had to see it in my expression. After I hung his coat, we just stood there at the door. I suddenly didn't know what to do.

Race tucked his hands in his back pockets and sighed, looking down. "Just before I do anything stupid I'm going to apologize now and I want you to know you have the right to hit me if I get stupid."

I chuckled. "Okay."

He glanced up at me. I raised a hand, intending to pat his arm, then decided against it and dropped my hand to my side again.

"Come on." I indicated my apartment with my other hand. "Go ahead and sit down. Want anything to drink?"

I turned and headed for the kitchen. Race followed. I glanced at him but didn't protest and he stopped a good four paces away and propped himself on the edge of the counter top. I gave him a list of what I had to drink and he said whatever so I got him a glass of soda when I poured myself one.

He accepted the glass I held out to him. "Why'd you call me?"

I inhaled a deep breath and looked into my soda. "Wishful thinking." But that wasn't adequate, and it wasn't the real reason behind my call. "No, wait. It was more just wanting to be with someone who understands me. Why'd you agree to come over?"

He sipped his soda. "Same."

I looked up at him and he met my gaze. We stared at each other for a good minute, and I began to wonder just what exactly he wanted out of this association with me.

Race sighed again and turned around to leave the kitchen. I followed him and we sat on the sofa. Like on Wednesday, silence settled between us and I rolled my glass between my palms, trying to come up with something to say. This was part of the reason why I hadn't called him the past few days. I hadn't been sure I wanted to endure any more of these silences. Not that they were uncomfortable for me, more . . . full. As if there was more going into them besides two people who were unable to find enough to talk about. After a minute, a thought occurred to me, and I grabbed Race's wrist to pull his hand into my view.

"What?"

I saw that his nail polish had chipped and let go to rise. "Wait."

"Chaz!"

I went back to my bathroom for the nail polish remover and my nail polish, stopped by my nightstand for a couple paper towels, and returned to the living room. Race chuckled a little when I set these items on the coffee table.

"I didn't think you were serious."

I grinned. "Why shouldn't I have been?"

"What about the movie?"

I waved at him. "Pick something."

He got up, watching me over his shoulder, and crossed the living room to the entertainment setup. I just grinned at him, allowing my enthusiasm to take over. Resisting it would only make me sour, and I didn't want to be moody.

"How come you're wearing a white shirt?"

He glanced over his shoulder, finger perched on a DVD case. "I got to thinking maybe you were right about antagonizing my parents with the way I dressed."

"Did it work?"

He shook his head and looked at the DVDs again. "Not really. Dad saw right though it."

"Did you bring any jewelery?"

He went still, then nodded. "Actually, yeah. I planned on putting it on when I left my parents'."

I drank some of my soda and opened the nail polish remover to dampen one of the paper towels. "Why didn't you?"

Race huffed a little. "You called."

"Well, put it on now."

He twisted to glance at me for a moment, then nodded. I rubbed nail polish off my nails while he donned his jewelery, keeping his back to me. When he finished, he chose a movie and set everything up, then came to sit on the sofa. I had finished cleaning my nails and started the movie playing, then grabbed one his hands and set to cleaning the nail polish off its nails.

Race chuckled a little. "Isn't this what like teenage girls do with each other on sleepovers?"

I laughed. "Maybe. Never been a teenage girl, so I don't know."

"You have two sisters."

I shook my head, grabbing his other hand. "You think they ever let me into their rooms? Shit, I've been a pariah to various members of my family my whole life, Race, just for different reasons at different times." I sat up a little. "Just a minute, you gave me an idea."

"What now?"

I only chuckled as I got up to head to the linen closet. I grabbed every blanket out, took them to the living room and tossed them on the floor between the coffee table and the TV, then grabbed every pillow in the apartment and did the same with them, including the sofa's throw pillows.

"Oh, God."

I laughed and grabbed Race's hand to pull him off the sofa. "Make a nest."

"Chaz, we're grown men." But he came out of the space between the sofa and the coffee table with me.

"Just go with this, okay?"

He gave a put-upon sigh and helped me shake the blankets out and pile them up. I grabbed the sofa's cushions and threw them with the mess on the floor and pushed the coffee table against the front of it, moving everything on it to our side of the table.

"Take off your shoes."

Race didn't protest this. He just sat down on a sofa cushion and did as I'd instructed, tossing his shoes aside. I chose another sofa cushion, wrapped a blanket around my shoulders, and picked up my nail polish. As soon as Race settled, I grabbed one of his hands and set to coating his nails.

"So, what, do we talk about old boyfriends and guys we think are cute now?" he asked.

I chuckled. "How old were you when you lost your virginity?"

Race groaned. "Oh, God, I think I was fifteen? It hurt like hell. What about you?"

"Seventeen. With a straight basketball player from my high school's team. He wanted to fuck a guy."

"But not be fucked, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Could have been much better." I completed the nails of his left hand and grabbed his right hand. "I actually think it's only a matter of time before he admits it to himself he's at least bi. It should happen about the time he realizes that he's not going to be picked up by any pro teams."

Race chuckled. "He was that bad?"

"Not the worst, but yeah. His attitude got him benched a lot."

"And you let him take your virginity."

"Yeah." I looked up at Race, smiling a little ruefully. "I had a massive crush on him and it was near the end of the year and he was a senior. I didn't think I had much chance if I was going to make that dream come true." I shrugged a little and painted the last finger on his right hand. "I was naïve, thought I could drag it into this grand romance. Well, until the moment when he told me to get dressed and never tell anybody what he'd done with me."