Something New Ch. 05

Yay again for all the great comments! I always love reading all of them, they're great motivation and they help me make/keep the story strong. As always, constructive feedback is very welcome.

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Max followed Lisa into her treatment room and immediately felt a sense of deep peaces settle over him. This was how he felt on sacred ground, and he relaxed a bit feeling the sense of safety that sacred ground evoked.

Lisa gestured to a pair of comfortable, yet modern looking chairs, and he sat down as Sasha, who had followed them in, curled up next to him. He had only glanced at this room when Lisa had showed him around earlier, and now he was taking a closer look.

There was a massage table set up and covered with linens, which he thought was a clever way to modernize things. He also noticed that underneath the table she had stones laid out in specific patterns. He was interested in the stones as he saw several that he did not recognize, and made a note to ask her about them later.

There was a mahogany drawer unit whose surface had been covered with an elegant blue cloth, and which held a large number of tuning forks, hanging on wire stands. The area directly in front of the forks looked like it was set up as an altar, and when he saw that, he realized that it was probably the reason the room felt so good. Lisa used the altar to anchor and maintain the integrity of the room, keeping it sacred.

Max looked closer at her altar to see what was there and noted a simple curved iron candle holder, a silver icon of one of the saints, and some carved animal fetishes. He could see two bears, a cougar, and a badger from where he sat, and there were a couple more he couldn't quite make out from his position.

He also noticed a porcelain incense holder painted with cherry blossoms. The incense holder had a Japanese feel to it, and he rather suspected the incense was Japanese as well which pleased him. He had spent some time in Japan and had developed an affinity for their incense. He wondered briefly if she had an interest in incense ceremonies, before continuing his perusal of the room.

As he looked around he noted some brass singing bowls, a bowl of sage, and some very interesting painted drums hanging on the walls. One of the drums was hanging directly above her altar area, and had a very unique design painted on it. The center of the drum held a triskele ending in yin/yang symbols at the three tips. The way it had been painted gave it the impression of a spinning motion.

Noticing the direction of his gaze, Lisa commented, "That's the drum I built with my teacher. Each drum in here is special and has different energies, but that one is my personal drum."

"I like the mix of cultures. You wouldn't think they would work together, but you've integrated them." Max shifted his gaze back to Lisa again, "It seems to be a good fit."

Lisa smiled at his compliment and Max brought himself back to why they were here in the first place. He took a deep breath and reached a hand down to scratch Sasha behind the ears. It steadied him as he prepared to begin. Lisa simply waited with no sign of impatience.

"As you know, when we become Dragon Touched we also become very long lived. This happened a couple hundred years ago. I was living in Austria at the time, and had been granted a small amount of land in the countryside. I had been sent there in order to balance an unstable region.

"The lifestyle suited me well. I could live comfortably but also practically while doing the work I was sent to do. There were parties, and I would attend when I felt drawn to being more social.

"It was at a dance that I met a girl. The dragons have never interfered with our private lives, and there had been marriages to humans before, so I courted her. Eventually I told her what I was, and asked for her hand. She accepted and we married.

"Initially things went very well. We suited each other, and were happy. Then, as time passed, I began to see signs of dissatisfaction in her. Eventually I was able to get her to tell me the problem. We had been married for two years and she had not gotten with child. Not only did she want children, but in those times, it was considered a problem if a woman had not provided heirs. It did not bother me so much, but she was very upset. Her family, in particular, was not very kind regarding the matter.

"It was at this point that I looked further into the matter and found out that we become almost completely infertile once we have been changed. I hadn't checked on it sooner because ... well, after the first century or so, I wasn't quite so interested in bedding anything in skirts." Max looked a bit rueful.

"Anyway, the point is that if I had known about the infertility earlier, I would have told her before marrying her, but it never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to sire any children.

"This was the general state of things when something rather ... problematic happened. Remember how I told you that as we age, we get stronger, and that we sometimes develop completely new abilities?"

Lisa nodded in response and Max continued. "Usually new abilities would have nothing to do with anyone other than me, but in this case," Max began to flush a little bit, "it had a direct impact on both of us."

Max flushed even further with remembered shame as he relived the first time the new ability had shown itself. "Sometimes when we gain a new skill it comes on us gradually, but sometimes it is triggered by times of strong emotion or stress. Stress and emotion were both particularly high as a result of our attempts for a child. She was obsessive about it, and we were ... together pretty constantly. The strong feelings combined with the stress of my work and her unhappiness triggered my new ability right in the middle of one of our nights together."

Max stopped for a moment and closed his eyes, remembering that night. Remembering how it felt as he thrust into her, both of them about to climax, and then something changed. He remembered her eyes widening in fear and horror, screaming as she suddenly pushed away and ran from him.

Max opened his eyes again, a faint trace of moisture glittering slightly in the light. "Imagine looking up at your husband, and suddenly seeing this," Max said, as red scales formed all over his body, black talons emerged on his hands, his gray eyes formed a vertical slit like a cat, and a forked tongue emerged between sharp teeth to flick out and taste the air.

Lisa was a bit shocked at his transformation and inhaled quickly in surprise, but it didn't take her long to get over her startlement. Then she found that not only was she not revolted, she was very curious, and just as attracted to him in this form as when he appeared fully human.

Max shifted back again, and was not quite able to meet Lisa's eyes, for fear of what he would see there. His alter form tended to terrify most people, reminding them of demons. That had been his wife, Hilde's first reaction. She believed him to be overtaken by some demon, and he couldn't blame her. His full shift even came complete with wings and horns, both of which had manifested that night.

The simple truth was, Hilde had already stretched her faith in accepting that he had anything to do with dragons in the first place. Add to that her growing belief that God had turned his face from her and was punishing her by not granting her children, and it would not have taken much to push her over the edge. To see the man she had married suddenly turn into a monster had pushed her about twenty miles past that edge and she had gone into full panic mode.

Max sat silently, caught up in a replay of his memories and Lisa spoke to encourage him to continue. "I can only imagine what her reaction must have been, and what you must have felt as well. It must have been traumatic for both of you."

Max glanced up at Lisa again, and was surprised that not only did he not see any sign of revulsion or fear, her eyes were full of understanding. There was absolutely no judgment in her eyes regarding him or Hilde, which shocked him. Most people would at the very least, immediately take sides, she hadn't. She just sat without anger, disgust or revulsion, just understanding and peace. She's completely centered, he thought with wonder. He had never experienced that from anyone that wasn't either a dragon or one of the Fae.

Then he remembered what she had told him earlier when he asked her about her not letting loose. "...Part of it is that I need to maintain balance and neutrality when working. If I don't ... well let's just say that best case is I become largely ineffective, worst case things go very badly..."

He was experiencing that first hand, and now he understood what she had been talking about. He truly felt that he could tell her anything, and she would not hold it against him or anyone else.

I still think she needs to let loose more often, though, he thought to himself before focusing again on Lisa's words.

A sad smile flickered across his face. "Traumatic is a bit of an understatement. She thought she had married a demon and was in fear for her soul as well as for her life. I tried to explain things once I finally understood what was happening to me, but she did not want to have anything to do with me. She began avoiding me, taking a room as far away from me as possible, and even going so far as to not eat so she would not see me at meals. I had no desire to force her to be in my company, and had food sent to her rooms so she would not starve.

"This is where things stood for many months. Then one day she came to eat dinner with me. I was very happy at the thought that she might be softening to me again. She seemed to have come to some sort of peace with herself, which had been lacking up to that point. She suggested we host a party since it had been far too long, and people would begin to talk.

"I agreed, willing to give her just about anything she wanted at that point. I think I saw it as a chance to begin again. She organized the entire thing, and I was overjoyed at her apparent change of heart. Even though she still kept to her rooms, I thought it would only be a matter of time before we were together again.

"The party began and people began to dance. I noticed that there were very few women in attendance, and I thought it odd, but ignored it in my joy at dancing with my wife again. In the middle of the dance, the music suddenly stopped and I was surrounded by men, all holding weapons of some sort in their hands.

"My first reaction was to protect Hilde, but she pushed away from me and the men pulled her back behind them. It was obvious they thought they were protecting her. It was in that moment I knew what was happening. The entire party had been a ruse.

"I still don't totally understand why she decided to go through with the whole party idea rather than something less elaborate. The only thing I can think of is that she felt she needed public proof that I was not human, so she could justify betraying her husband. Maybe there was a revenge component as well, since we met the first time when we danced together. I don't know what her reasoning was, but I know the end result.

"Her betrayal snapped something in me. I don't remember exactly what happened after that point, I don't even know if I shifted or not. I only know that at the end of it, I was covered in blood and everyone in the room was dead or fled, except for my wife who was too shocked to move."

Max paused again as he remembered the sight of dismembered dead and dying men all around him, the crimson blood spattered on crystal chandeliers, staining the white walls and pooling on the gleaming wood floor. He even remembered hearing one of the men, he didn't know who, say 'Forgive me' with his last breath.

Most of all he remembered his wife in her beautiful white and yellow dress, the same dress she had worn for their wedding, standing in the midst of scattered chairs which the musicians had knocked over when they fled with their instruments. She was in a state of complete shock, almost no sense in her eyes, blood spattered across the wide ornate skirt, marring the ruffles and delicate embroidery with spots of crimson.

Max began to speak again, his voice rough and choked. "I just looked at her and I..." he broke for a moment struggling to get the words out. "... and I grabbed her throat. I came close to killing her. I don't know what stopped me." Max looked disgusted with himself as he admitted that.

"I remember cursing her. After that the heat went out of me and I became cold and cutting. I said many things, but the one that cut her the most was when I told her that she was no better than Judas who sold out Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. She saw me attend church and take sacraments. I asked her how I could be a demon? I would not have been able to set foot in God's house, much less take sacraments if I were. That seemed to get through to her, and then she collapsed in a breakdown.

"It was about this time that my servant, Sigmund, came back from delivering a message to one of my contacts in a neighboring city. It should have kept him away for one more day, but he heard gossip at the inn he was staying in, and rode on through the night to warn me. He was the only other person aside from Hilde that knew what I was.

"Our house was momentarily deserted, with everyone including servants having fled at the beginning of the fight, but I knew it was not likely to last as more time passed without any news. I made quick plans, and Sigmund helped me implement them.

"Hilde was near catatonic at this point, so I cleaned myself up and then dressed her in clothes more suitable to travel. I left her gown in the ballroom and we set fire to the room so it would be difficult to figure out who had died and whether I or Hilde was still alive. I knew that only one maid was likely to notice the absence of a simple travel dress, and that if she did, she would keep quiet about it, not wanting Hilde to come to harm.

"I gave Sigmund references, a list of contacts, and enough money to start over anywhere he wished to go. I also gave him one last task which was to bring Hilde and another pouch of money to a nearby convent. I knew the abbess; she was fair and would take care of my wife. Hilde briefly regained enough sense that I was able to convince her that the only way for her to atone was to serve God from that moment on and join the convent. That one task became her complete focus. I was never certain what she thought she was atoning for though, having betrayed me or having married me." Max's voice wavered briefly with pain.

"I left the country completely. After such bloodshed, there was no way I could stay. It was not long after that the region destabilized completely, and Napoleon invaded. To this day I don't know how she did it, but the abbess protected all of the sisters that were under her care, including my wife.

"I made certain that Hilde's care was paid for under the name of a distant cousin. In those days payment of that sort would keep Hilde out of a servant's role. Her state of mind was fragile as it was, I could not be responsible for breaking it more than I already had.

"The fact was, she was still my wife, despite what she had done, and I kept my vows to her," Max said with force, anger and pain flashing briefly in his eyes, which had turned a flat, dark gray.

"That night many good men lost their lives, Hilde became a broken shadow of herself, and war came to the place that I was supposed to keep stable.

"Ever since, I have avoided all dancing, waltz in particular. We were waltzing when we first met, it was her favorite. We danced it again at our wedding, and it was the dance that was interrupted that night." Max finished speaking, and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to regain his composure.

Lisa simply sat quietly, projecting a general feeling of peace and support. Sometimes offering comfort helped to release the emotions. However, Max's pain was so raw and vulnerable, that any contact with it would only make him bury it again to protect himself.

After a few minutes, Max opened his eyes again, and Lisa judged it time to speak. "It seems to me that the locals were not the only ones that died that night."

The words cut straight to his heart, and he tensed, becoming rigid in his seat. Lisa waited in silence again, waiting for him as he decided how to respond. Finally, he let out a breath that was half sob and some of the tension went out of him.

"You're right," he said softly as he looked down at the floor. Then he lifted his eyes to meet her gaze and said, "You're right, but that does not mean I am any less responsible for what happened that night."

"Why do you think you're responsible?" Lisa asked quietly and evenly, keeping her tone neutral and attaching no judgment to what the answer should or should not be. It was simply a request for information, nothing more, nothing less.

"I did not pay attention to what was happening, I did not take appropriate steps to prevent what happened that evening. I accepted the task and the responsibility for keeping the region stable, I failed. I promised to love and protect my wife, I failed in that too."

"Do you believe in God?" she asked him in that same neutral tone, not commenting or debating any of the statements he had just made.

He looked surprised, but answered, "Yes."

"Do you hold God accountable for what we do to each other?"

"No, of course not," Max answered quickly.

She persisted, "But God is all powerful, is it not within God's power to prevent us from doing the things we do? Should God then not act to stop bad things from happening to people?"

Max was starting to feel a glimmer of recognition at her line of questioning, but his mind was still too clouded from the pain of reliving his time with Hilde to hone in on it. "I believe that God could, but then we wouldn't ever learn to be responsible for ourselves and our own actions. We wouldn't learn how to fix the messes we make, or how to prevent them from happening again."

"Do you think you are better than God?" Lisa asked, still maintaining her neutral tone, knowing that this question would cut through a lot of the morass that Max was feeling.

"No." He stated with a hardness and finality to his tone that would leave nobody in any doubt as to feelings on that particular question.

"So if God is not responsible for the actions of others, why are you?"

"Because I was in a position to stop it." Max answered quickly.

"And God was not? How can that be if God is all powerful?" Lisa persisted.

Max had no answer for that. He sat silently, thinking about her words, his eyes becoming a light grey as he considered about her reasoning. He shook his head, "I understand what you are saying, but I still feel responsible."

Lisa nodded her head and gave a small smile. "Feelings are rarely rational things. It does not make them any less valid."

She could see the different threads that tied into the wound that Max had been nursing for so long. Failure to complete his task, his wife's betrayal and subsequent breakdown, the guilt he felt at having killed people that he had been trying to protect, shame over his physical appearance when shifted and all of it tied into him having opened his heart to someone.

Now he kept his heart closed in order to protect it. He cared about the people around him, but would not share his heart with them. Dance by nature opened it again which was the real reason that he avoided it.

"My teacher always used to ask three questions when someone came to her, injured. 'When did you stop singing?' 'When did you stop dancing?' and 'When did you loose your joy in stories?.' I think we have an answer to the second question, but what about the first and third?"