Something Personal Ch. 03

He remembered Nina once saying that her family was like a 1950s TV show, and he could see why. They were far from prim and proper, but they had their traditions - from taking turns setting the table to Friday night pizza to the thumb-wrestling matches that determined who got to pick what they watched for movie night. Mostly they just interacted with an ease and comfort that made it impossible not to smile when he watched them. It was the exact opposite of his childhood. Brett's family was close, and they had always treated him as one of their own, but Nina's family was different in a way he couldn't articulate. Although he had to return to Portland for work before the holiday officially began, it was the best Christmas he could remember.

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The snow fell steadily, blanketing the ground as Nina waited for Gavin to pick her up. She had taken the bus to work, knowing it was more reliable than trying to drive her car. Besides, she was still a little gun shy about driving since her accident. They'd made plans to meet their friends at the pub but she was considering asking Gavin to just stay home.

Her body flushed in anticipation of what staying home implied. She smiled to herself, knowing he would agree without question. It had been just over a month and she still couldn't get enough of him. He was unequivocally the best lover she'd ever had; the perfect combination of adventurous and generous, not to mention being one of her best friends made her more comfortable with him than with anyone before. Lost in her thoughts, it was a moment before she heard her name being spoken.

"Nina."

She looked up at the voice, her stomach plummeting when she saw him. He was a little thinner than she remembered and was looking at her anxiously.

"Daniel," she said flatly. "What the hell -"

"I'm sorry about showing up, but I really wanted to talk to you and you kept hanging up on me," he said plaintively.

"Why do you want to talk to me?" she burst out. "It's over. You wanted it to be over. Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Nina -"

"Jesus Christ," she huffed, turning to walk into the school.

"I'm gay."

She stopped short, facing him slowly. "What?"

"I'm gay," he repeated.

His voice was calm but she could see the fear and nervousness in his eyes.

"You're. Gay." She sat down on the steps, oblivious to the snow.

"Yeah," he said quietly, walking toward her.

"So..." She strung the vowel out. "So, that's why...you..."

"That's why I wanted a divorce," he confirmed. "Nina, you're sitting in snow."

She looked down blankly and then met his gaze. He was clearly trying to hide his amusement and she smirked in turn. She let him take her elbow and help her up.

"You're gay," she said again, brushing the snow from her clothes.

"Yeah," Daniel said with a sigh. "It took me a long time to figure it out, obviously. And even when I did, I still didn't know how to say it - how to tell people. I've actually only been able to tell my parents so far."

"What? Why?" she asked curiously.

"Well, clearly it's shocking," he pointed out. "And...I knew I wanted to tell you first – after my parents but before anyone else."

"Me?"

"Of course," he said as if it should have been obvious. "You were my best friend. For so long, before we got together. I couldn't imagine anyone else knowing - besides my parents - before you."

"Oh." Nina was stunned. Speechless. "So that's why you kept calling," she mused.

"I didn't want to tell you over email or in a letter. Though I was going to have to resort to taking out a billboard ad if showing up here didn't pan out," he told her.

She noticed his eyes twinkling and shook her head, stifling her own amusement. "Are you enjoying this?"

"It's not often you're at a loss for words," he said.

"Jerk," she muttered, smiling in spite of herself.

"Nina," he said, sobering. "I feel terrible about what I did, about how I handled things. It wasn't right, not giving you a reason for wanting the divorce. I'm really sorry."

"Yeah," she said absently, still trying to process everything. "I get it. I mean, it's a lot to take in right now, so I'm not going to say it's all totally okay, but I do understand."

"Thanks," he said softly, nodding. "Listen, can we have dinner? Or at least coffee? Maybe not right now - I understand if it's too much too soon. But I'm in town for a couple of days and would like to talk it out with you. Let you yell at me, if you want."

She chuckled. She was about to agree when a car door caused them both to look at the parking lot. Gavin was walking toward them.

"Hey," she called. "This is Daniel," she said hesitantly when Gavin approached.

The change in his expression was terrifying. He shot Nina a sharp look, then placed himself between her and Daniel in one quick movement.

"What are you doing here?" he asked Daniel angrily.

"Gavin -" Nina said.

"Nina, get in the car," Gavin ordered.

"Excuse me?" she said, instantly annoyed at his tone.

"Look, we're just talking," Daniel said awkwardly, giving Nina a questioning glance.

"She doesn't have anything to say to you," Gavin told him. "Stop calling her and leave her alone."

"Gavin," Nina implored, taking his arm.

"Don't talk to him. Get in the car," he said, whipping around to face her. His expression softened but only slightly. "Please get in the car," he repeated quietly.

"It's okay -" she insisted.

"Nina," Gavin said angrily as if he hadn't heard her. "You don't know what he's capable of. I do. You're not safe." He gripped her arm. "Get in the car," he said slowly, emphasizing each word.

She tugged her arm, trying to get him to release her.

"I'm just trying to protect you," Gavin went on, his voice growing frantic. "Get in the car!"

Nina took a step back in fear, his hand still locked around her arm. She caught a glimpse of Daniel looking concerned before Gavin spun her around and forcibly walked her to his car.

"Nina? Are you okay?" Daniel called.

"Leave her alone," Gavin growled.

"Look, I don't know what you think is going on -" Daniel said, his eyes wide.

Gavin lunged toward him in a blind rage and Nina rushed to him. Daniel took a few steps back, alarmed. Gavin stopped when she grabbed his hand. He looked around in confusion before finally finding her eyes.

"Nina -" he said, his eyes full of pain.

"Let's go," she said, her voice quiet but insistent, imperious in its tone.

Gavin started to turn his head toward Daniel but Nina stilled him by taking hold of his chin.

"Look at me." Her eyes held his. "Let's go."

"It's okay," she said to Daniel, who nodded doubtfully.

Gavin's shoulders fell. He allowed Nina to lead him back to his car where he gripped the steering wheel and rested his head on it for a few seconds. When he looked up, Daniel had disappeared. He glanced at Nina. She was staring forward out the window, her hands twisted together in her lap. Her eyes were wide with fear or panic and she was breathing heavily.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She turned to him. "Take me home," she ordered, her voice tight.

They drove in silence.

Nina was gripping her hands together so tightly they became numb and she tried to relax them. She didn't give Daniel another thought, but she couldn't get the image out of her mind of Gavin's features twisted in outrage. It was as if he'd been taken over by some kind of monster, as if he wasn't in control of himself, hurtling into a rage that was so clearly an overreaction. She had the worrisome realization that if his eyes had been open during his nightmare when he'd pushed her away, his expression would have been the same as the one she had just seen. She wondered for the thousandth time what his father did to him, her heart aching despite her fear.

Gavin did his best to drive the speed limit, his self-control stretched to the brink. Along with the anger at seeing Daniel just show up at Nina's work, he was panicked by how little he remembered of what he'd said. He knew he had overstepped a major boundary when he grabbed Nina so forcefully. Had he yelled at her? He resisted the urge to shut his eyes at the thought, focusing on the street.

"I'm sorry I grabbed you," Gavin told her quietly. "That is not okay. I'm really sorry," he added with a glance at her.

Her head had fallen forward, her hair shielding her face. All he could see was her pressing her lips together and a slight shake of her head. At her apartment he hesitated, unsure whether she wanted him to come in or not. But she turned and looked at him expectantly so he followed her into her building and up the stairs eventually coming to rest on the couch.

"Nina, I'm so sorry," he whispered, his head lowered.

"What the hell was all that?" she asked, her voice shocked.

"I know, I shouldn't have grabbed you. I'm sorry," he repeated. "Did - did I hurt you?"

"I'm not talking about that," she said angrily. "I'm talking about the way you reacted to Daniel. You looked like you wanted to kill him. And he didn't even do anything."

Gavin's head shot up. "Are you defending him? Showing up like that? After months and months of calling you?"

"Of course I'm not defending him. I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about you. The way you acted - you blew the whole thing out of proportion!"

"I did? Me?" Gavin stood up and started pacing. "This guy calls you for months, shows up unannounced after you've told him you don't want to talk to him, and I'm the one who acted inappropriately?"

"You don't understand -" Nina began.

"No, you don't understand. He needed to be told. You can't just do that - just show up at someone's work like that. Crazy people do that kind of shit."

He stopped pacing and looked at her. She was watching him, her brow wrinkled in confusion, but her eyes...her eyes were scared. Of him? Gavin's heart ached.

"Nina, you can't be reasonable with people like that. It doesn't work."

"So clearly beating them up is the way to handle them," she said sarcastically.

"Maybe," he muttered.

Nina's head came back in shock and he saw her mouth open in horror. The fear was still in her eyes but now it was combined with something else: disgust.

"I - I can't even believe what you're saying. It's like you're another person right now."

He sat down next to her. "Because I want to protect you? To make sure nothing bad happens to you?"

"Gavin, I'm not even sure you remembered I was there until I made you get into the car," Nina said slowly. "So don't make this about me. Wanting to protect someone and getting ready to kick someone's ass are two different things."

He knew he should feel guilt or remorse, especially since she looked repulsed by him. But all he could feel was anger. Anger at Daniel for being crazy and not leaving her alone, and anger at Nina for not recognizing the danger she was in.

"I'm not going to apologize for that," he said coldly.

She gasped. There was a long silence as they regarded each other. Finally Nina spoke.

"Look, I don't - I can't be - I can't handle this kind of - physical violence. I don't know if I can be around someone whose first impulse is to punch someone." She bit her lip and looked at the ceiling, blinking rapidly.

More silence. "What are you saying - that you don't want to see me anymore?" Gavin said in a low voice, his stomach twisting.

"I - I don't know," she whispered. "I - maybe we should take a breather. Take some time apart."

Gavin squeezed his eyes shut. He knew theirs was not supposed to be a 'real' relationship, but he couldn't imagine his life without her, he couldn't imagine not seeing or talking to her daily.

"Fine," he managed to say. He stood up again.

"I'll call you," Nina said awkwardly, standing as well.

He looked at her for a long moment. His hand lifted unconsciously to touch her and he had to instruct himself not to. He gave her a quick nod and left.