Something Personal Ch. 04

"I hate it, too," he said angrily.

They stood there in silence, their bodies taut with anger, their chests heaving from the exertion of shouting.

"Are you going to marry her?" Nina couldn't help asking.

He rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his hair.

"Why do you care?" he asked sadly.

"I care," she said in a small voice. "Of course I care."

"But why?" he persisted.

She looked up at him, staring at her with those deep brown eyes, warm and tender despite the despair.

"You know why," she mumbled, not even sure she knew herself.

"Tell me why," he said slowly, walking toward her.

Just then Nina's phone rang and out of habit she checked the screen. Gavin was standing close enough to her to see Daniel's name.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Gavin groaned.

"It's not what you think -" she began.

"Whatever," he said, walking past her to the house. "I'll leave you to your call."

"Shit," she muttered.

"Oh, by the way," Gavin said, halfway through the front door. "She's not pregnant. You were right. So congratulations."

"What? Gavin -"

But he was already inside, the door slamming shut behind him.

---

Gavin angrily kicked off his shoes, forcing himself to pause in the foyer before joining Bill and Diane. He wasn't sure what he was upset about - that Nina was still talking to Daniel, that she was right about Marta not being pregnant, that she was just still so...Nina. So smart and beautiful and well-read and funny. And so infuriating and closed off and stubborn. Of course none of that angered him; even though those traits drove him crazy, they were all part of what made her Nina. And he loved all of them. He loved her.

He fell against the door, shutting his eyes. He loved her. "Dammit," he muttered.

The hiss of a bottle opening brought him out of his trance and he saw Bill walking toward him with a beer.

"Dinner's ready," Bill said, handing him the bottle.

Gavin followed him to the table in a stupor, feeling their worried gazes. Finally he looked up and spoke.

"She's not pregnant after all."

There was a brief pause before Bill and Diane spoke in unison.

"Thank God."

Gavin couldn't help but smirk. "Yeah."

"She was lying?" Diane asked quietly.

"She says the test was positive," Gavin said, shuddering at the memory of Marta's tears during their confrontation. "The doctor said it might have been a defective test or that it was something else – I think a chemical pregnancy, she called it."

There was a pause while they digested the news and he was surprised to see Diane looking outraged.

"Wasn't her doctor's appointment last week? Why didn't she tell you right away?"

"She said she was waiting for the blood test results. To see if she was really pregnant before she told me anything." Gavin recited Marta's explanation flatly. "I don't know if she was being honest," he admitted. "But she kept crying and I couldn't deal with it so I didn't push it."

"Oh." Diane softened at the mention of Marta crying. "Poor girl."

Gavin shrugged. "Yeah, but she's better off not having a kid this way. It'll happen for her with the right guy. I'm not that guy." I'll never be that guy, he thought.

"So, what happened with Nina?" Diane asked.

Gavin sighed, pushing the food around his plate.

"She drives me crazy," he told them.

Bill chuckled and Gavin shot him a curious look.

"Of course she does," Bill said. "That's how you know she's the one."

Diane rolled her eyes. "I never drove you crazy, dear. You drove yourself crazy resisting me and my charms."

Gavin forced a smile. "Well, I don't think we'd work out, anyway."

"Don't be an idiot," Diane said fondly. "You're going to see her after dinner."

"Am I?" Gavin asked, momentarily amused at the command.

"Yes. You two need to hash this out once and for all," Diane told him firmly.

"There's nothing to hash out," Gavin protested. "She's made it clear she's not dating anyone and even if she was, I'm not boyfriend material."

"Didn't I just tell you not to be an idiot?" Diane repeated. "Maybe she's scared, maybe you are, maybe it can work, maybe it can't. You'll never know if you don't give it a shot and tell her how you feel."

She looked at Bill as if for confirmation and he grinned at both of them.

"I generally agree with whatever she says," he told Gavin seriously. "It makes life easier for everyone."

Gavin forced a laugh in the hopes that the subject would be dropped. He suspected Nina would never be willing to take a chance on him, but maybe if he were at least honest with her about his childhood and his reaction to Daniel, they could get back to being friends. It would be better than not having her in his life at all. He wondered glumly if he was brave enough to be that honest.

---

Nina had remained frozen in place, getting soaked by the rain, after Gavin went into the house. Eventually she straightened her shoulders and drove home. She had just gotten out of a hot bath and was making some tea when there was a knock at the door. She tightened her robe on the way to answer it, guessing who it was.

He was drenched. He just stood there, looking sadder than she'd ever seen anyone look. She opened her mouth to speak, to say something, anything, but he spoke before she could get anything out.

"He beat my mother," he said flatly.

She closed her eyes briefly, her shoulders slumping. She suspected as much, or something similar, but hearing him say it was heartbreaking.

"Come inside," she said, taking his arm.

Nina took off his coat and handed him a towel, directing him to a chair. He ignored the chair and followed her to the kitchen, leaning against the counter as she poured them both some tea.

"He beat her all the time," he said in the same eerily distant, detached voice when she handed him the cup. "She tried to leave him, hundreds of times. She and I moved in with my grandmother for the first time that I can remember when I was two or three years old. But he always convinced her to come back somehow." Gavin swallowed.

"She always went back," he added bitterly. "By the time I got old enough to realize what he was doing, I tried to protect her. I couldn't stand up to him, but I would throw myself on her, trying to at least get between them. She would always push me away, tell me to run and hide."

Nina shut her eyes in pain.

"He never touched me – not to hit me or hug me. He barely spoke to me, actually. Like he didn't notice I was there. It got to the point where she was so beaten down she barely spoke to me either. My grandmother told me later it was because she was still trying to protect me, to keep me off his radar, but I don't think that's true. I don't know."

Gavin sighed, turning away from her. He placed his hands on the counter and bowed his head.

"When I was seven we went back to my grandmother's for the last time. He kept coming around, same as before. But this time she stayed away longer than she ever had - almost a year. And I thought we would finally be free. One night he showed up, plastered. Screaming and shouting. And he forced his way into the house. He - he had a gun. But I apparently thought myself to be the man of the house, after living so long with just my mom and grandmother. So I tried to stand up to him, shouting at him to leave, telling him to leave my mother alone. He still didn't touch me. He actually laughed at me, like I was an annoying dog or something. Like I meant nothing."

Nina rested a hand tentatively on his arm, tears streaking her face. He still wouldn't look at her.

"I remember trying to shove my mom out of the room - telling her to run and hide like she'd always told me. She had this intense look in her eyes - not even scared. Just - willful, maybe. Determined. She was looking directly at him; she never looked at me. She pushed me behind her and told me to go to my grandmother's room - my grandmother was already hiding back there. I was clawing at her, throwing my arms around her legs, begging her not to talk to him, not to go. But she just shook me off. And she left with him. And she didn't take me."

His last words came out in a sob and Nina tightened her hold on him.

"When I ran to the door after them, she was just walking with him calmly to his car. Neither of them turned back to look at me."

Gavin was silent for a moment, his arms falling to his sides.

"I ran after them. I ran the mile and a half to our old house. And I heard her screaming. And I heard him - what he was doing to her." He gulped. "I was banging on the door, shouting at him to leave her alone. I think I finally broke a window and crawled in. But I couldn't get to her. By then some of the neighbors had heard me and had followed me in, and my grandmother had called the cops and they had shown up. They pulled me out of the house." He took another breath and forced himself to go on.

"He had beaten her unconscious," he said in a hollow voice. "He was arrested. And she never woke up."

Nina gasped, squeezing his arm.

"He died in prison. Some prison riot. I hope it was painful," Gavin spat out.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. He turned and she risked a glance at him. He was staring past her.

"So, that's what happened," he said despondently. "No one really knows - Brett knows some of it, and his mom. Not even Bill and Diane know the whole story. When Daniel -" He stopped and sighed. "I was just so sure -"

"Daniel's gay," Nina interjected. "That's why he kept calling: he wanted to tell me why he left me."

Gavin blinked. "He's gay?"

"Yeah."

After a long moment of silence while Gavin processed the news, he shook his head with a wry smile.

"Well, that's probably the only sane explanation for why any man would leave you," he said softly.

Nina blushed.

"I'm sorry about how I acted that day," Gavin said. "When he kept calling and then showed up...I got so scared for you. It was like I was suddenly living in my nightmare."

"The nightmares," she murmured, making the connection.

"Yeah. They were always the same," he said in a distant voice. "Always of that night. Except since I met you...you were the one in danger. It wasn't my mother in the nightmares anymore, it was you. You were the one I had to get away from him. After that day when Daniel showed up, I began to wonder if, in my nightmares, I was actually him. If I was the one you needed to be protected from."

Her head shot up. "You're not him, Gavin. That's not who you are." Her voice was steady.

Gavin met her eyes briefly before looking down. "How can you be sure of that?" he asked doubtfully, heartbreak in his voice.

"Because I know. I know you. You're not him, not in your nightmares, and certainly not in reality. You were incredibly brave," she told him, gripping his arm. "You were just a little boy, you couldn't have stopped him."

He focused his eyes on her.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated.

"Yeah, well," he said awkwardly.

He poured his unfinished tea into the sink and rinsed the cup, walking over to where his coat hung on a chair.

"Where are you going?" she exclaimed.

"I'm going home," he said as if it should be obvious.

"But - no," she said helplessly.

"You want me to stay?" he asked in shock.

"Why would I want you to leave?" she said, confused.

"Because - you did just hear the story I told you, right?" He was looking at her like she was a simpleton.

"So?" she asked, dumbfounded. Suddenly awareness washed over her. "Gavin," she breathed. "God, you don't think that people - that I - would judge you for what your father did?"

"How could you not?"

"Jesus, is that what you think? That I wouldn't want to be with you because you had the misfortune of having that asshole as a sperm donor? Do you really think so little of me?" she asked furiously, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Of course not," he protested, thoroughly bewildered.

"I thought you were smarter than that. Turns out you're an idiot," she was muttering.

His confusion faded as her words sunk in. She watched him, mystified as a smile spread over his face slowly.

"What are you smiling about?" she snapped.

He began chuckling, which infuriated her.

"What is so fucking funny?"

"Nothing," he wheezed, losing control.

"Gavin -" she said threateningly.

"It's just - only you would tell me you want to be with me while being pissed off and shouting at me," he said, laughing so hard his shoulders were quivering.

"What?" she demanded, suddenly embarrassed, her words coming back to her.

"You know what you said," he told her cheerfully.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said briskly, stirring her tea.

"You said you wanted to be with me," he said triumphantly.

"Well, I just meant -" she stopped, pressing her lips together.

"What? What did you mean, Nina?" he asked softly, all humor gone.

"I just didn't want you to think that your friends would judge you for what happened to you when you were a kid," she said defensively, turning away from him.

Excitement surged through him as he watched her, tickled at her overly attentive cleaning of the tea kettle. He had felt somewhat relieved and lightened by telling her about his parents, but the overwhelming emotion had been exhaustion, emotional and physical exhaustion. That was gone now, faded completely as her words washed over him. She'd said she wanted to be with him. Maybe she hadn't meant to say it, but she had said it. He was elated, his doubts surprisingly gone.

"Nina," he said quietly.

He stepped up behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders when she didn't respond.

"Nina," he repeated, squeezing her shoulders. "Why did you tell me not to marry her?"

"Because it would have been a mistake," she said insistently.

"Why?"

God. Nina rolled her eyes. He was like a dog with a bone. He was not going to let it go. What had she really meant? Of course his past wouldn't make his friends think less of him. But clearly the words that popped out of her mouth without any thought meant something. She hadn't wanted him to be with Marta, and not because it would have been a mistake. Because he didn't belong with anyone else. Trouble was, she wasn't sure if she could be the one he did belong with.

Damn him.

"You don't belong with her," she whispered in a tight voice.

"Why?" he said softly.

He pressed his chest against her back, slipping an arm around her waist and holding her against him. She relaxed automatically, her head coming back to rest on his shoulder.

"Gavin," she implored.

"Tell me," he whispered, his lips tickling her hair.

"Because..." She sighed in surrender. "Because I - I think - I think you might belong with me."

Her head dropped forward and she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling like a fool. He spun her around so quickly she needed a second to focus on him. Gone was the goading, triumphant expression. He smiled tenderly, looking both stunned and relieved.

"That's right," he said as if he were a teacher praising her for a correct answer. "And you belong with me," he added.

She rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the grin. "Condescending bastard," she muttered.

He smirked, cupping her face in his hands. "I may be a bastard, but I'm your bastard. And you're my wildcat. You make me crazy and I love every little thing about you."

Her smile faded. "What -" she whispered.

He ran a thumb across her lower lip, his gaze flitting from her mouth to her eyes. She watched him swallow, felt him tilt her head and lean in, and forgot how to breathe. Her eyes locked on his, she waited as he approached, excitement and apprehension leaving her immobile. Then his lips were on hers, molding together sweetly, and the pressure in her chest expanded. She melted into him, a small sob coming from her throat, and slid her arms around his neck.

His lips parted and she opened her mouth to him, suddenly desperate to get closer. She whimpered as their tongues met, heat rushing through her body. He sucked on her tongue, pulled back to nibble on her lip, tangled his fingers in her hair. His mouth became hot and demanding, kissing her possessively. Her knees trembled and she locked her arms around him, just trying to hang on. She had the fleeting thought that if it weren't for her stupid no-kissing rule, things would have been a lot clearer months ago.

Gavin broke the kiss suddenly and they stared at each other, both dazed and breathing hard. What he'd said came back to her and she rested a finger on his mouth.

"What did you say," she murmured dreamily.

He closed his lips around her finger, sucking it into his mouth, and her legs threatened to give out. His mouth slanted over hers, exploring, flicking, coaxing her to meet him. She lost the ability to think and plunged her fingers in his hair, returning his kiss greedily. Grinning mischievously, he cupped her behind and lifted her, her legs automatically going around his waist. To her surprise he walked to the couch instead of the bedroom, and they tumbled onto it, their arms and legs tangled together.

"Gavin, what -"

"Hush," he said, grazing her lips with his. "We've done enough talking."

"But - you said -" Nina sucked in a breath as his teeth found her ear.

"Be quiet, bossy," he teased, trailing kisses down her neck.

She met his eyes, dark and twinkling, and succumbed, gripping his arms and pulling him to her, sighing as their lips met. Seconds turned into minutes, which might have turned into hours. Seasons could have changed, calendar pages could have flipped through an entire year as she got lost in kissing him. He alternated between sweet and demanding, passive and forceful, speaking volumes without words. She was shocked that she could still learn new things about him, amazed at the intimacy of what they were sharing considering how much sex they'd already had. Somehow this felt like the true consummation, and she gave herself over to it willingly.

Their urgency slowing momentarily, Gavin brushed his lips against her cheek and forehead.

"I want you," he said quietly.

She smiled. "Then take me to bed," she told him.

He carried her to bed, placing her gently on her back before slowly undressing her. She lay docile except for her arching back and undulating hips as he ran his hands over her body. Soft moans came out of her mouth, her hands touching him wherever she could reach. He stripped quickly; even a second of not touching her was too long. Stretching himself next to her, he took her into his arms and kissed her deeply, his hands still stroking her. He knew at some point she would take control and tried to take advantage of her submissiveness until he couldn't resist any longer.

Moving slowly, he rolled on top of her, settling himself between her legs. She arched up and pressed against him. She brought her lips to his, slowly drawing his tongue into her mouth as her legs fell open.

"Nina," he said against her lips. "Do you want -"

"Please," she whispered, looking at him with need.

Gavin was surprised; she had always taken the lead, very vocal about what she wanted. It wasn't like anything he experienced with any other woman and wouldn't have expected to enjoy it so much. This uncharacteristic passivity made him unsure.

Nina focused her eyes on him, wondering why he was hesitating, and saw his confusion. She knew she was very bossy in bed. She had always been that way, knowing what she wanted and how to get there. For the first time she acknowledged that it had been her way of maintaining control, of not allowing herself to be vulnerable with anyone she slept with. Even she was surprised by her desire to yield now, wanting to give herself to Gavin in a way she never had with anyone before. Without making a decision to do so, she realized she wanted him to see that vulnerability. She needed him to strip away the last of her defenses.