Something Stupid This Way Comes

I jes' turnt twunny-one an' muh Pa tol' me that crops was bad this year, so he couldn't gimme much o' nuthin', but he gimme five bucks an' tol me ta go inta town an' have myself a good time. On the way there I saw Uncle Odell. He asked whut I was doin' an' I tol him, an' he gimme five more dollars and said, "Follow Main Street to Willow, take a left, and three houses down is a woman what'll give you the time of your life. Jes' tell her ya wanna sixty-nine."

I follered his directions an' got to the house an' tol' her my uncle sent me with ten dollars. She tol' me to come in, an' when I did she took me upstairs. I laid the money on her dresser, then I got undressed as she got undressed. She asked me if I knew whut a sixty-nine was an' I tol' her no so she tol' me to lay down, then she crawled up on top o' me an' she said, "Now, you lick my coo-coo while I put a hobbin on yer nobbin."

We started doin' each other, an' about a minnit later I heard an almost silent fart come outta her, and it stank somethin' fierce. All I could do was just lay there till the smell went away, but once it did I began lickin' her coochie again, then "Ffffffftttt." She farted again, an' this one was worse'n the last. I lay there waitin' for the smell to go away, an' it finally did, so I began lickin' her privates again when, "PWERMNPFH!" It was loud an' wet an' it stank so bad I thought a skunk done sprayed me. I pushed her offa me, grabbed my money, an' said, "I'm sorry, Lady, but I can't take 66 more of those."

I left her house an' started walkin' toward town again when a man said, "Watcha doin' there, young fella." I told him what had just happened an' he said, "Nonononono, you step right in here. Our ladies know how to treat ya right." I tol' him I ain't had but ten dollars an' he tol' me that was okay. "Got just the gal for ya." He took me inside and said, "This here's Sandpaper Sally. She'll take care of all your needs." So I went upstairs with her, put the money on the dresser, took my clothes off, then laid down on the bed.

She climbed on top o' me, pushed me inside herself, and it hurt something fierce. I said, "Ow, lady, you tryin' to sandpaper my pecker off?" She tol' me to wait and then she went to the bathroom. She came back out, climbed back on top o' me. I said, "Whoa, that feels a lot better. "What'dya do?"

She said, "I peeled the scabs off."

I pushed her offa me, got dressed, snatched up my ten bucks, and ran the rest o' the way toward town. There was a man sellin' ducks for twelve-fifty, but after I tol' him what kinda day I had, he let me have it for ten dollars. I put the duck under my arm and started home takin' the back way.

I came across a house in the country. There was a woman sitting on her front porch. She said, "Hey, I shore am horny. Wanna fuck?"

I tol' her, "Ain't got no money. All's I got's this duck."

She tol' me that was fine on account o' how horny she was, so I give her the duck and we had sex and it was really good. That woman decided it was really good too an' offered me my duck back if I did it again, so I did. Afterwards, I got dressed, put the duck under my arm an' headed home.

'Bout a good half mile in a man on a motorcycle comes barrellin' round a corner and hits me an' runs over my duck. He stopped an' raced toward me screamin', "You alright? You alright?"

"I'm fine, but you squooshed the shit outta my duck," I tol' him."

"Long as yer fine, that's all that matters," he said. I tol' him again that I was, so he said, "I ain't got no insurance, so hows about I give you twenty dollars for your duck." Seemed like a good deal to me, so I took it.

When I finally got home Uncle Odell asked how things went an' I said, "I got fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, an' twunny damn dollars for a fucked up duck."