Soul Searching

Oh, what a day! First it was the usual stuff; high humidity caused a bad hair day. Then my car wouldn't start, and I had to wait for the auto club which made me an hour late for work. Of course I snagged my hose getting out of the car, and after all of that effort my client canceled, and I could have stayed home.

Liz came into my office bearing coffee. "Mrs. Fox, Mr. Garner wants to see you at eleven since your day is now free," Liz said.

"Do you know what he wants?" I said.

"No, but he didn't seem too happy," she responded. "Mr. Henderson was in to see him before he called for you."

Liz turned away and my brain went into turmoil. I had registered a complaint against Henderson for sexual harassment yesterday, so I knew what it was about. This was my fifth similar complaint in five years that I had worked for Bigalow Architectural Associates. The first two guys were fired immediately, but now everyone seemed to object to my charges. Why should I subject myself to this abuse by all of those men with their beady little eyes and roaming hands? It was bad enough that I had to fend off Ernie every night, although come to think of it, I hadn't had to fend him off for a long time.

After an attempt to make myself presentable, I marched into Garner's office. He had a serious look on his face; no, not serious, hostile. I could see my harassment form on his desk, and his eyes wondered from the form to me and back. His secretary Margie followed me in and closed the door.

"Mrs. Fox, I have your complaint here. We are giving it our full attention, and there will be a full investigation of Henderson's conduct. Does that make you happy?" Garner asked. I think I would have felt much more comfortable if Margie hadn't had a small smirk on her face.

"Yes, Mr. Garner. An investigation will certainly bring his immoral conduct to the surface," I replied.

"Mrs. Fox, the rest of this conversation if off of the record. I invited Margie to come in, so that we could have a witness that the conversation never happened. Do you understand, Mrs. Fox?" Mr. Garner stated in a matter of fact tone.

I was shocked by Garner's tone and with Margie's complicity. "I guess that means that you are going to whitewash the whole thing, right?" I said defiantly.

"Not exactly, Gloria. May I call you Gloria?" Garner retorted, not waiting for a reply. "I don't know exactly how you could tell that Henderson was looking up your skirt, but that doesn't matter. We are tired of catering to an uptight, sexually repressed bitch, so we are not going to whitewash anything. I am tearing up this complaint, and I am advising you to re-think your position regarding the matter. Gloria, it never happened, right?"

"So that means that to keep working here I have to subject myself to the inappropriate advances of every horny guy in the office?" I exclaimed while almost out of control. I tried to hold back tears, but the frustration had overcome me. I looked to Margie, but she didn't even offer me a hanky.

"Gloria, you are a good architect, and a hard worker. No one questions your contribution to the company, but you have to get over this thing about men. Lord knows how your husband puts up with it. I am going to give you three days off. During that time I want you to think about your feelings, and if required, we will make arrangements for you to visit with the company psychologist. We want you to work here, but you must have a serious attitude adjustment," Garner explained.

" Mrs. Fox, most of the women here believe that Mr. Henderson is a very nice person, and he is in no way offensive," Margie chimed in. "Most of the women have believed that your charges in all of these complaints were unfounded because we found the men involved to be respectful and well behaved. Either you see something that we don't, or you or you are just too up-tight, and I believe it to be the latter."

"Now you have a nice few days off, Gloria. Liz has cleared your calendar, and you have until Thursday morning to either straighten up your act or turn in your resignation. Clear?" Garner asked.

"Yes Sir!" I said as I left the office. My insides were turned upside down. How could they do this to me? Oh God, have I really turned into an up-tight bitch? As I retuned to my office to get my things Liz came in. We were not friends per se, but she was a good person with which one could talk. "Liz, am I an up-tight bitch? Please be honest."

"Yes Ma'am," she replied without hesitation.

"Thank you for your honesty dear," I whispered. "I will be back in a couple of days."

***

My mind was spinning as I passed through the doors to the parking garage. A light mist filled the air as I reached the outside, so I guided by Beemer toward my home and my refuge. Suddenly the thought occurred to me that I didn't want the loneliness of home, so I headed instead toward a local tavern which had great sandwiches at lunchtime. As I entered I noticed that the place was packed with people visiting each other as they ate or working on laptops to finish what they couldn't in the normal work day. Lord, I knew how that was.

I found a table, ordered a Ruben and a dark Beck, and as I waited I reviewed the events of the day. Something inside told me that Mr. Garner had a point. After all I had made lot of complaints. Why did I do it? Ruffling feathers was not a good means of climbing the corporate ladder. I had a great job. Why was I ruining my chances?

My beer arrived, and I took a deep swallow as I tried to relax and clear my head. Work was not my only problem. I hadn't had sex with Ernie in months. He never asked anymore. Maybe he is having an affair, but maybe he just got tired of my headaches, etc. I was beginning to see the male of the species as my enemy. I had started dressing so conservatively that I looked like a 19th century schoolteacher.

My reverie was interrupted when a man chose to sit at my table. "May I get that beer refilled for you?" he said in a gentlemanly tone. He was a handsome guy, one who would have attracted me in my younger days; sure, younger days about five years ago.

Gloria snapped," Do I look like your whore or something." There was no reply. Suddenly he decided that this bitch wasn't worth the effort.

The bartender brought my order, but instead of minding his own business he said, "You were a little hard on him weren't you?"

"I guess I was," I replied. This is the second time today that someone has told me that I needed an attitude adjustment. I mulled over what had happened, and I guess it was finally sinking in. I was tuning off my co-workers, my husband and even strangers. If I kept going in this direction I was going to lose everything.

********

I spent the rest of that day wondering and thinking. The following morning I got dressed as if I was going to work since I didn't want to bring Ernie into my problem. Never did I expect all of the events that were about to unfold before me.

I drove around aimlessly after lunch, but I soon decided that this was silly, and I decided to return home. I needed to talk, and Ernie was the one in which I should confide.

As I turned the corner to our street I saw Ernie's car in the drive, but to my astonishment there was a second car behind it. Maybe he took off to play golf I thought. I parked on the street and entered the house making no effort to be quiet, but it soon became apparent that stealth was not important. I could hear Ernie and a female companion in the bedroom, and they were so absorbed in what they were doing that they could not have heard a train coming through the house. I charged up the stairs to spill my wrath and frustrations upon them, but when I came to the partially open door I froze; overcome by the sight before me. A pretty blonde about twenty-two years of age was on her knees with Ernie's hard penis in her mouth.

Ernie had wanted to do the oral thing for fifteen years, but I would never consent to anything that nasty. It was no wonder why he wanted it. He was moaning with delight with her saliva dripping over his tool and down over his balls. Then I saw Ernie get rigid. He shook as if he was having a seizure, and then he blasted a load of his sperm into her mouth. She actually swallowed all that she could, but some still ran out the corner of her mouth.

I fell back against the hallway wall as my emotions ran wild. He had found someone who would do what I wouldn't do. I was the one who promised to please him for life, but I had thrown away my opportunity to make him happy. Tears streamed down my face. I thought for a moment that I might become sick, but I forced back the inclination. I tried to put together the words that would spill out of my mouth as I prepared to make my assault on the room. I straighten up and tugged at my tailored jacket, but I couldn't do it. The word bitch rattled around and around in my head, so I just stood and watched.

When I was in college guys talked about stories in which men caught their wives in situations like this. They would be angry and upset, but they would also get hard and eventually jerk off. I guess that is the difference between men and women because the one thing I wasn't was wet.

Ernie crawled between her legs as she sat on the edge of the bed. "Oh yes, eat my pussy lover," my nameless adversary yelled. I never let Ernie do that to me either, but as he worked his tongue the length of her slit and sucked on her clit I began to wonder what I had missed. "Oh yes, baby, right there. Please don't stop. God, Ernie, I love it," she exclaimed. She fell back on the bed with a look of ecstasy one her face as Ernie brought her up and left her wanting time and time again. Even from that distance I could see her pussy contracting while forcing her juice out of her vagina and down the crack of her ass.

After one last assault she grabbed Ernie's head. "Stop torturing me, Ernie," she screamed as she grabbed his hair and pulled his face into her wanton vagina. Oh, God. Oh, oh, yes, yes, oowww she wailed as her orgasm took control of her being. What had I been missing all of these years? Momma told me that sex was for making babies, but I was finding out otherwise.

Believing it was over, I retired to the adjacent bedroom, so that they could dress, and I could make a plan of action if I had any choices left. My tears had dried up, but the memory of my life before this left me there sobbing. I could hear them talking together in the afterglow, but I couldn't hear words. Eventually the chat stopped, but nothing happened. No one left the room. I just had to investigate.

I peered through the crack in the door, and saw Ernie's cock sliding in and out of the girl's aching pussy. I didn't even know Ernie could do it twice a week, let alone twice a day. Oh, how inadequate I must be. He was slow and loving with her, and he seemed rewarded as she had one orgasm and then another. "That's right, Ernie. Do it slowly and easily until the sensitivity is over. Oh, Ernie, you are such a great lover. It is really a shame that you are married," she said through labored breaths. "Ok let me get on top now, so I can finish you off."

They changed positions, and she started riding up and down his pole, as he played with her breasts. That was about the only thing I had that she didn't. I was only a "B" but I doubted that she could fill out an "A". Their urgency increased as their passion rose until Ernie groaned while apparently filling her with his seed. Almost simultaneously she exploded with the grandest orgasm that I had ever seen. She screamed and shook as if she had no control over her body or the desire to control it. My heart sank as I realized that he didn't even use protection.

I fell to the floor, no longer sobbing, but wailing with my anguish. Suddenly I saw the flash of bare legs pass before me as the girl made her escape; dressing as she ran. Ernie didn't dress. He stood over me with juice still dripping off of his tool.

"The jig is up," Ernie said in a matter of fact tone. "I knew that someday you would catch on, Gloria, but I have needs that you would never satisfy. I am not going to apologize, but I will leave. I suppose I should have done the honorable thing and departed a long time ago."

"I love you, Ernie," I said in a pleading voice. "I will leave tonight because I have to think, but when I get my head on straight I would like to discuss this. Do you still care about me even a little bit, sweetheart?"

I think I still love you, Gloria," Ernie confessed," but I am not going to be celibate just so you can be the ideal career woman."

I needed someone to talk to, but it couldn't be Ernie now. I needed a girlfriend, but I had none. I guess I had no friends at all. I decided to use the only option open to me and called the office to speak to Liz.

"Liz, could you meet me for dinner tonight? I need someone to talk to, and you are the only person that I know that would listen," I implored. I didn't want to cry, but I did and that must have touched a chord in Liz's heart.

"Ok, Mrs. Fox, when and where?" she asked.

"Oh Liz, it's Gloria, please," I replied. "How about that steak place down by the river; my treat of course? Would six be ok?"

"Can we make it six thirty?" Liz asked. "I have to get something on for hubby and the kids, and get dressed."

"Of course," I answered. "Thank you very much, Liz."

*******

I packed a small bag for one night, made a reservation at the Hilton and prepared to leave. "You will be here tomorrow, won't you Ernie?"

"I am not sure why, but I will, Gloria. After fifteen years and three kids one more talk can't hurt. I do have to work tomorrow, but I will be home at the regular time," Ernie said.

I left, stopped to check in at the hotel, and went right to the restaurant to meet Liz. I knew I would be a little early, but a couple of drinks seemed right for me at this time.

I got a great table overlooking the river at about six, and I waited for Liz to arrive. She looked stately as she approached the table. She was tall and shapely with long black hair. "Mrs. Fox, oh, Gloria, is this about the office or something else?" she asked. "I know you were crying on the phone, and that is certainly unlike you, but you still have plenty of options at work.

The waiter approached, "Something to drink ladies?" he asked. "How about a bottle of chardonnay?" I asked, looking at Liz. She nodded and the waiter was off.

I started relating the events of the day through my tears, and Liz listened intently. I talked through the bottle of wine, dinner and a second bottle, and Liz softened and relaxed as I spilled my guts. She seemed genuinely interested in my problem, and started listening as a friend rather than an assistant.

"Liz, Ernie is the kind of guy that every girl wants. He is gentle, helps with the house work, is a good provider, is usually home when he is supposed to be, and he is a terrific father. "

"What do you want, Gloria?" she began. "This may be repairable, both at home and on the job, but you are going to have to give up a lot. I don't think you have to do sexual things that you don't want to do, but you do have to take care of your husband. To tell you the truth I think sucking dick is great. You can let your repression take over your life or you can put it behind you, but it is your choice whether or not Ernie sticks around."

"Just talking this out with you has made me realize that I have to change," I responded. "I am just not sure what to do."

"If it were me, and I wanted him back as badly as you seem to want him, then I would have the greatest dinner I have ever made on the table with flowers and dim lights when he gets home tomorrow. Let things go on from there, and if Ernie wants it to work then it will. You are going to have to give him some afterward though, without his having to ask. At work; just lighten up on your dress and don't be so business like. Apologize to Henderson and Garner, let people use your first name, and smile once in a while. You are a great architect, and I think you could be a good friend to all of us if you would just loosen up some," Liz advised.

After dinner we moved on to a small bar to have some more drinks. Neither of us was drinking enough to get drunk, but I did drink enough to gain the courage to ask for the answers that a grown woman should know by age twenty. The support and understanding that Liz provided gave me the strength to think and plan. My tears had dried, and my level head was once again preparing a plan to reverse the course of my life. Liz listened and I questioned.

"If you want to keep him you have to give him at least some of what he wants," Liz rambled. "If as you say he no longer asks, perhaps it is because he has gotten tired of being turned down. You don't have to be aggressive, but you do have to flirt a little, and to be truthful they like some aggression too. You will just have to re-think what you want Gloria. If it is not worth the trouble then maybe marriage is not for you."

"But I have enjoyed the closeness that sex brings; I just can't get the dirty part out of my mind. Liz, I have to give it my best shot. I can't lose him. I will do what I have to, to get him back!" I said with a resolve that surprised even me.

We parted company and I returned to my hotel room. I knew that I couldn't fix years of wrong in one night, but I certainly could give Ernie at least as much as that other woman.

************

I arrived home the following day at about 10AM with an arm full of groceries that would enable me to prepare the dinner of a lifetime. I also called Ernie's Mom and asked her to pick up the kids from school and keep them over night. Of course she wanted an explanation, but all I could muster was, "I will explain later, Mom." I parked in the driveway so that if Ernie did come home with his girlfriend he would not bring her in.

I called his office at about three to be sure that he would be home at the regular time as he had promised, and I responded to the receptionist with a pleasant "Hi, may I speak with Ernie, this is Gloria."

"Just a minute, I will see if he is in," the unidentified voice answered.

The wait was long and intense. What if he was unwilling to talk to me? What if he had already seen his divorce attorney? My brain was spinning with every conceivable negative that I could face including "get out of my house". Finally his familiar voice came on the line.

"What do you want Gloria? Since you stayed away last night I assumed that we had said everything we needed to say yesterday," Ernie stated in a matter of fact tone.

"I didn't say or do everything I needed to say or do yesterday, Ernie," I answered.

"I don't want to fight, Gloria," he replied.

"Neither do I," I said. "Ernie, please give me a chance. Come home at your regular time. Please Ernie," I begged.

"I expected to hear from your lawyer, not you," he replied.

"Please don't make this harder on me than it already is Ernie," I said with a quiver in my voice, and tears streaming down my cheeks again.

He seemed to soften some as he advised, "Ok, 5:30 on the dot. No OT tonight."

******

The house was darkened, with only the flickering of the candles that I had placed strategically around the living and dining rooms. I dressed in a silky little print from my younger days which barely came to mid thigh. I was a little proud that after childbirth I still had the figure that I had at twenty-two.

I heard Ernie's car pull up and started a warm bath that he could enjoy with the Rhine wine that I had chilled. The smell of my home made French Onion soup filled the house, the butter was drawn, the salad was ready, and all I had left to do was to put the lobster under the broiler.

When Ernie entered the house he was astonished. I handed him his wine and led him down the hall to the bath. "I thought you wanted to fight and rant," he said in a voice which was subdued by the mood that I had created.